The Conservative Cave
The Bar => The Lounge => Topic started by: SSG Snuggle Bunny on December 21, 2010, 04:11:11 PM
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The wife sidles up to me and purs, "You know they have a cure for male sexual dysfunction and it conveniently comes in the size of a pill."
"Is that right?" I replied. "They can get an entire 18-year blonde with unresolved father issues into a pill?"
And then the fight started.
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My wife asked me what was on TV. I said dust, and then the fight started.
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first like the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
And then the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
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:rofl:
These are funny.
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.â€
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?â€
And then the fight started...
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The old lady and I were stressed out over having to go endure some wickedly epic Excedrin moments with family this Christmas, when she pats me on the knee, smiles, and says "Ya know, honey, next year, we can spend a few bucks and actually GO SOMEWHERE for Christmas!"
I said, "Terrific! Where YOU gonna go?"
Then the fight started...
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Darling, she purred, how many other women have you slept with?
None sweetheart, I was wide awake with all the others I replied.
Then the fight started....
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My husband and I starting bickering about something inconsequential, when he shouts out to me "yeah, well you aren't so good in bed .." He stormed out the door for work. He called me mid-morning because he knew how bad he messed up. After he called a few times, I finally answered the phone.
Him: "What took you so long to answer?"
Me: "I was in bed."
Him: "What were you doing in bed this late?"
Me: "Getting a second opinion."
Then the fight started..........
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
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A few years ago, my psychotic ex-girlfriend had gotten back together again after a really nasty fight.
Of course, the make-up sex was amazing, and as we lay spent and sweaty in the aftermath, I turned to her and said, "Now, tell me you're happy we managed to patch things up."
She said, "Hell yeah! Of all your friends, you've got the biggest d*ck!"
Then the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started..
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Nights like this, I so love this place. :cheersmate:
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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Nights like this, I so love this place. :cheersmate:
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
I agree it has made me smile and laugh
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BAHAHAHAHHAhahahahaha snort HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
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:rotf:
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
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My ex-wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, â€I AM NOT HAPPY!!!â€
So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?â€
And then the fight started…..
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
:rotf:
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I could read this kind of stuff all day long. :rotf:
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Me too.
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I went outside to the back yard and grabbed the 5 gallon bucket and the scoop to pick up dog shit. It was a warm day and the smell was rather pungent.
About halfway through my chore, Mrs E hollered from the deck that dinner was ready.
I hollered back that what I was currently smelling wasn't too far off from what was coming out of the kitchen.
And then the fight started.
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Wife said that for the 25 th wedding annaversary she wanted to relive our honeymoon.
Said she had already planned it. We'd stay at the same motel... in the same room....sleep in the same bed....it was all going to be exactly like the original honeymoon.
Then I said, "All except one thing...this time I get to scream "It's to big, it's to big"."
...and then the fight started.
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Wife said that for the 25 th wedding annaversary she wanted to relive our honeymoon.
Said she had already planned it. We'd stay at the same motel... in the same....sleep in the same bed....it was all going to be exactly like the original honeymoon.
Then I said, "All except one thing...this time I get to scream "It's to big, it's to big"."
...and then the fight started.
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf: Oh Lord........ :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
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yeah, I hate when that happens. :p
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Wife said that for the 25 th wedding annaversary she wanted to relive our honeymoon.
Said she had already planned it. We'd stay at the same motel... in the same....sleep in the same bed....it was all going to be exactly like the original honeymoon.
Then I said, "All except one thing...this time I get to scream "It's to big, it's to big"."
...and then the fight started.
:lmao:
:rotf:
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I went outside to the back yard and grabbed the 5 gallon bucket and the scoop to pick up dog shit. It was a warm day and the smell was rather pungent.
About halfway through my chore, Mrs E hollered from the deck that dinner was ready.
I hollered back that what I was currently smelling wasn't too far off from what was coming out of the kitchen.
And then the fight started.
:rofl: H5
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So, the beach bunny says she can't get the wood burning stove to stay lit to heat the house.
"I can't get the wood to burn!" she complained.
So I replied, "Have you tried preparing it for dinner?"
And then the fight started.
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So, the beach bunny says she can't get the wood burning stove to stay lit to heat the house.
"I can't get the wood to burn!" she complained.
So I replied, "Have you tried preparing it for dinner?"
And then the fight started.
:hi5:
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(http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y128/wasp69/holythreadresurrection.jpg)
:-)
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In the months preceding our wedding anniversary, the wife was trying to remember how long we had been married. She asked "How long have we been married? 10 years, 11 years?"
My reply? "I didn't know time mattered in Hell".
And then the fight started...
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A long time ago, before I was married and when I still smoked, I was with a girlfriend at a party. I couldn't find my Marlboros, so I asked "Where's my cigarettes at?" Being the OCD, grammar nazi twit that she was, she replied "It is very rude and incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition. Rephrase the question."
My reply? "Okay, where's my cigarettes at, bitch?"
And then the fight started...
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In the months preceding our wedding anniversary, the wife was trying to remember how long we had been married. She asked "How long have we been married? 10 years, 11 years?"
My reply? "I didn't know time mattered in Hell".
And then the fight started...
It's a running joke with my wife and me that when she mentions how long we've been married, I always say it seems longer. (23 years on New Year's Eve this year.)
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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!â€
And that’s how the fight started.....
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Related...
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and...well... you get the point.
"Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
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Related...
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and...well... you get the point.
"Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
:lmao:
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My first wife asked me once what I thought would happen if she died.
My reply? "Hopefully, I'll be acquitted".
And then the fight started...
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A couple was preparing to head out to their fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration.
"You get your purse and coat, I'll pull the car out front and lock up the garage," says hubby, considerately.
When his bride comes out onto the front porch, she sees him leaning against the front fender of the car staring wistfully at the front of the house. She walks over to him.
"What are you looking at?" she asks.
"Oh, I was just looking at those bushes over there... Remembering."
"Remembering what?" she asks.
"Well, you remember the time your dad caught us in the bushes? He pulled me outta there by the scruff of the neck, threw me against the wall and said, 'Either you're gonna do the right thing and marry my daughter or you'll spend the next fifty years in jail!'" he answers.
"Yeah, I remember. What about it?"
"Well," he replies, "I was just thinkin', I'd be gettin' out about now."
That's when the fight started...
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There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser.
He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute! She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check".
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
And then the fight started . . .
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
And then the fight started . . .
Dupe (http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,52962.msg592435.html#msg592435)! :tongue: :-)
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Dupe (http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,52962.msg592435.html#msg592435)! :tongue: :-)
Daggummit! :bawl: :-)
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So I said to my wife “what would you do if we won the lottery�
“I’d take half of it and leave youâ€, she said.
“Well, I won ten bucks today; here’s your five; now **** off!â€
..And then the fight started...
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My wife made my favorite meal, Fettuccine Alfredo, I said what did you do differently this time.........
And then the fight started...
.
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Years ago, mad cow disease was all the rage on the MSM.
Wife was sitting there griping about it.
I mentioned that I didn't understand what the fuss was all about because I already had one.
I never even made it out the door.
True story.
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Years ago, mad cow disease was all the rage on the MSM.
Wife was sitting there griping about it.
I mentioned that I didn't understand what the fuss was all about because I already had one.
I never even made it out the door.
True story.
:rotf: h5
Yeah, they won't let me donate blood because of the potential of me having mad cow disease (spent too many years in Europe). Well, I did get married twice....and the third time, no way in hell am I going anywhere near that term with her. :-)
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:rotf: h5
Yeah, they won't let me donate blood because of the potential of me having mad cow disease (spent too many years in Europe). Well, I did get married twice....and the third time, no way in hell am I going anywhere near that term with her. :-)
Yeah, the time limit is six months, last I checked.
It would explain a lot about me. :whistling:
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I told her I wanted to put it in her butt
And then the fight started...
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
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The new neighbors across the street drew my wife's interest and she said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?” “I would love to.” I replied. “But I don’t know her well enough.”.....
.....and then the fight started.