Squash and the Scales of Justice
When the fourteenth run-through failed as badly as the first, CINCFDSOP yielded to a rare admission of total defeat. CINCFDSOP (Commander-in-Chief: Foreign Dignitaries Security Operations Procedures) was Desmond Malmquist Carver. Junior personnel called him “Mr. Carver, Sir.†He’d have preferred “Colonel†but that was officially frowned upon. Agents with seniority called him “Sir.†No one addressed him in the familiar, except for Gordon Pape, who called him “Des†– and once “Sink,†but that was another story.
An ex-military man like the rest of the FDSOP branch, Carver was accustomed to success, and what he had just been watching did nothing for his – or anyone’s – sense of well-being.
“There has to be a way! There just has to be!†He looked at his watch, then slapped the table. “This meeting’s over! Go get something to eat. We’ll reconvene at 1900 hours. No, 1905. I’ll be in my office.â€
He stood up quickly, too quickly as it turned out, because when the crisis team jumped to their feet with him, they knocked the apparatus flying. Two of them grabbed for the squash balls; another dropped to his knees hurriedly to retrieve the little weights that had fallen onto the floor. Carver paid no attention. He kicked a tiny one-gram weight into the corner and walked out, slamming the door.
Even before the sound faded, he reopened it.
“One of you bring, Pape,†he commanded it.
They nodded in unison.
In the comfort of his office, Desmond Carver took off his tie and dropped into a chair beneath the picture of a young lieutenant grinning beside the burned-out hull of a North Korean tank. He longed for Korea again. It was so simple then, he thought. HQ would say: “Take the hill!†So you shelled it. You led your men up. You took it. Then you led them back down and on to the next one.
“A bit like the Grand Old Duke of York,†he said to himself with a grin. “But still a lot better than this crisis nonsense today.â€
The nonsense today was the general happiness, unfettered comfort, and absolute security of His Esteemed Excellency, Chou Lai Deng, minister of justice, squash enthusiast and most likely successor to the premiership of the People’s Republic of China. What made it nonsense to Carver was not the person of Chou Lai Ding, who had proven himself to be urbane, pleasant and cooperative. It was the way in which he had to be protected. Chou had to be looked after – no question about that – but it was never to appear that way. It must never appear to anyone, even Chou, that he required protection, otherwise he would lose face. Yet FDSOP rated the man Category Seven! Even the Queen of England was only Category Five.
The crisis part was tomorrow morning’s squash game between Chou and the president. That game, unless FDSOP could prevent it, was going to turn into a diplomatic incident of major consequence.
While the president was a top-flight squash player, there was no doubt that Chou would win – he was world-class. That part was all right, however – in fact, the State Department preferred it so. After all, this was squash, not baseball or golf, AS long as the president gave Chou a good run, he didn’t have to win. The problem – the crisis – was sabotaged equipment.
An FDSOP agent had obtained incontrovertible evidence that one of the squash balls they were to use was ever so slightly, but quite deliberately, weighted on one side. It would bounce just a bit off center, just a bit off true – and make both the president and Chou look like fools in front of hordes of media.
A jouncing tap on the door startled Carver.
“Gordon Pape, Des!†a cheerful voice announced.
“Not here! The mee…â€
The door opened, then closed, and Gordon Pape had taken a seat before Carver was even sure what he had been going to say.
“He heard you needed me,†Pape smiled, and proceeded to dangle his leg comfortably over the arm of his chair. He was oblivious to CINCFDSOP’s fixation with protocol.
“The squash game?â€
Carver willed himself to be calm. Gordon Pape was the only non-military type in the branch. He was irreverent and irrepressible, but simply the best agent they had.
“How thoroughly have you been briefed?†Carver asked, addressing himself to the desk blotter. The dangling leg was too much for him.
“Well, I know all about the game, if that’s what you mean,†Pape said, “but so does the whole world. The rest of it I’m pretty sketchy on. All that I know is that they might be playing with a wonky ball that would make them both look dumb. I got that from that new kid of yours with the funny haircut.â€
“That new kid,†Carver’s glare was focused this time, “is a former marine and the haircut is regulation.â€
Gordon Pape shifted in his chair so that he could dangle his other leg over the arm as well.
Carver cleared his throat. “The matter, plain and simple, is that we have to replace one bad squash ball with a normal one.â€
For the first time, Pape sat up straight. “I suppose,†he said, “it’s not just a simple case of palming the bad one and replacing it, is it?â€
“No,†Carver replied. “Number one, the squash balls, including the sabotaged one, are being supplied by Chou. Heavy symbolism here. After the game there’s going to be a new trade agreement signed. Among other things, China’s going to sell us sports equipment.â€
Pape whistled in appreciation of the situation.
“Number two, they’re already on display in Chou’s suite. Have been since he arrived. You’d never be allowed to touch them. Besides, there are eight. You could never check that many without being obvious.
“Number three. Our information is that you can’t tell the bad one from the good ones by feel or appearance anyway, or even by picking it up.â€
“So nobody knows which one it is?†Pape was becoming seriously interested.
“All we know,†Carver leaned forward, “is that it weighs a few milligrams more than it should.â€
“I see,†Pape murmured. “Is there any good news?â€
“There’s one piece of sheer luck. Chou is very proud of being minister of justice. Last year the Canadian government gave him a balance scale in twenty-four-karat gold. You know – the Blind Justice statue? It’s a real working scale, and he just loves it. Take it everywhere he goes, and makes sure it’s always out where everybody sees it.â€
Pape was leaning forward now. “That means you’ve got the equipment right there! Why don’t you just send somebody in to do the job?â€
For a long time, Desmond Malmquist Carver held his breath. “Maybe,†he said, “maybe…uh…you can help us here.†He swallowed. “State has asked for the privilege of carrying the balls from Chou’s suite to the court. The Chinese have agreed – they’re flattered, in fact. That means I can get one of our people in wearing a gymnasium-attendant’s uniform. Even if they frisk him – which I doubt – one squash ball in his pocket is going to look normal enough.
“The problem is time. We’ve been at it all afternoon with a duplicate of Chou’s scales. At the absolute outside, our agent has got time to use the scale for only two weights. Now, how does he find the ringer using the scale only twice?â€
Pape turned to lift his leg over the arm of the chair again, and allowed himself to slip down comfortably.
“You’ve done a lot of homework, Des,†he said with genuine admiration. “Now do you want me to be the attendant tomorrow morning, or have you got someone else in mind?â€
Gordon Pape has a solution. What is it?
