Author Topic: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter  (Read 5785 times)

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Offline franksolich

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Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« on: April 17, 2011, 04:09:23 AM »
note: this is humbly dedicated to the sparkling husband primitive on Skins's island, a good friend of Mrs. Alfred Packer, the hippywife primitive down there in northeastern Oklahoma, in gratitude for the literary inspiration l'eunuco in Baltimore gives francescosolichi; sono quelli che ci detestano che ci ispirano; one hopes he, and others, find it entertaining.

Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter.  The mid-afternoon sun was shoving through the trees in the backyard as Mrs. Alfred Packer looked up from the table, out the window.  She was preparing rabbit-and-eggs for Easter dinner, and it was sweaty, troublesome labor, keeping the chopped pieces of meat from slipping and sliding around the greasy oilcloth onto the floor.

She felt a spasm in her bent back, and stopped to rub it; where hippyhubby Wild Bill had jabbed her the day before.

The day before, the couple had been amid the noise and tumult of Tulsa, picking up lumber and supplies for Wild Bill's still-making business, when they had walked by the massive Roman Catholic cathedral whose central bell-tower and spires dominate the city skyline.

The cathedral was closed, but even through the thick stone walls one could hear the choir and orchestra therein rehearsing for Easter services, the Hallelujah chorus from Handel's Messiah.  Mrs. Alfred Packer, feeling a tinge of nostalgia and regret, had paused to listen; it was so very much like her neighborhood in urban Ohio, and she imagined the priests and altar boys and worshippers, bearing the Cross and candles and incense, in a colorful pageantry of awe and wonder.

Seeing her hesitate, hippyhubby Wild Bill angrily grabbed her arm and dragged her along; "We don't do religion, woman; remember how many times I've told you, we don't do religion, and you better not forget it."

And upon reaching home, Wild Bill had locked up her shoes, leaving her barefooted so she wouldn't run away.

* * * * *

Mrs. Alfred Packer sopped her forehead with a dirty rag; Wild Bill was so hard.

Others had sensed how it would be, that long-ago day when she said "good-bye" to the family at the Greyhound bus depot up in Ohio, coming down to the wilds of Oklahoma to become hippywife to hippyhubby.  Mrs. Alfred Packer thought about that maudlin scene often; her father silent and grim, his mouth clenched shut, her mother trying stoically to bear the burden of a lost child, her sister and sisters-in-law weeping copiously, her brothers and brother-in-law taciturn in their damnation of her for being such a fool, and the little nieces and nephews clinging to the hem of her skirt, begging and crying, "Don't go, dear Auntie, don't go.  We love you, dear Auntie, please, Auntie, don't leave us."

And in the darkened recesses of the bus station, her long-ago beau from high school, Johnny, wishing that what should have been, had been, rather than this.....
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2011, 05:19:37 AM »
Mrs. Alfred Packer had been the oldest child, the oldest daughter, in a large family created by a decent honest hard-working laboring man and his equally-decent and devout wife, in urban Ohio.  She had been the apple of her father's eye and the pride-and-joy of her mother, which was perhaps a little too strong to be healthy for her.

Considered a princess, in childhood she had acquired the notions and bearing of a princess.

As a little girl, imitating the robust religiosity of her mother, she had dressed up her Barbie dolls in nun's habits, but at about the age of seven years, she had discarded that extensive wardrobe in exchange for one in which Barbie had tiaras and long gowns; more tiaras than Imelda Marcos had ever had shoes.

When a teenager, she had met and fallen into puppy-love with Johnny, the darkishly-handsome Italianate son of another decent hard-working laboring man and his equally-decent and devout wife.  For a teenager, Johnny was strikingly gentle and considerate and well-mannered, solicitous of her every need and want, having a sense of courtesy that would make Amy Vanderbilt look coarse and crude, and both sets of parents had beamed upon the prospective match.

But the association was severed when they were both 18 years old, because Johnny wanted to work at the local tire factory, so as to buy a four-bedroom bungalow to cram full of children; to live a modest retiring unassuming sort of life inevitably culminating in a healthy and well-financed retirement, and to treat his hausfrau as she was to him, a queen.

That was not good enough for Mrs. Alfred Packer; she was a princess and deserved a prince, not a tireman.

* * * * *

Mrs. Alfred Packer wearily picked up another dead rabbit and chopped off its ears, using one of those long heavy cadaver-cutting knives Wild Bill had gotten her at a surplus-property auction of the county coroner.

She sighed.

The years had gone on, and former beau Johnny and his second choice had indeed prospered and flourished, in a modest four-bedroom bungalow crammed full of children.  The children all were grown and gone on in life, and Johnny was now getting grey and stoop-backed, and his wife fat and pleasant.

Just last Christmas, Johnny had sat down with pen-and-paper in hand, scanning various financial documents; his retirement plan had ballooned during the Reagan-Bush-Gingrich-Bush prosperity, but there was a dark cloud hovering on the horizon.  Having put 35 years into the tire factory, Johnny decided to cash in those investments and retire, to putter around the house and dote on his wife.

The devoted children however had other plans for the couple; one was an attorney, another a judge, a third a physician, a fourth a college professor, a fifth an anesthesiologist, a sixth a bishop, a seventh a dentist, an eighth an abbess, a ninth a well-known literary figure out in Hollywood.  Only the tenth, who had become a ward-heeler, and then a state representative, for the Democrat machine, had turned out badly.

No one had the slightest idea why that had happened, but it had happened.

The older nine children, grateful to their parents for the love and care and attention they had given them, had pooled their resources and bought for Johnny and his wife a retirement place down on the Gold Coast of Florida, once owned by a Harkness, complete with a private nine-hole golf course.

* * * * *

Mrs. Alfred Packer sighed again, chip-chopping off the feet of dead rabbits.

Since no man was good enough for her, a princess, she herself had remained a spinster until reaching middle-age.

Feeling the pressure of the years, she began looking for a mate; any mate would do.

On the internet, she had met Wild Bill, from the trees and mountains of rural northeastern Oklahoma near Tulsa, and as he was a man and she was desperate, she eagerly romanced him.

What Mrs. Alfred Packer had not known at the time was that Wild Bill was illiterate--he didn't do Christmas, and spent the day listening to "talking books" from National Public Radio; only the blind and the illiterate did such a thing, not being able to read actual books.  And Wild Bill was not blind.

And so actually it had not been Wild Bill making all those written expressions of raw animal passion during their internetizing; rather, it was Wild Bill's sister.

Mrs. Alfred Packer oftentimes wondered why Wild Bill's sister, her sister-in-law, gazed at her in a way most women usually do not look at other women, and it discomfitted her considerably.

But at any rate, hippywife had married hippyhubby, who made it clear from the start that she was to adopt his own tastes, his own preferences, his own opinions of things, his own prejudices and loathings, his own hostility towards all that is good and decent in people, and in life.

If she didn't, he would wreak physical damage upon her, so she did.
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2011, 06:57:04 AM »
As Mrs. Alfred Packer chopped off the noses of the dead rabbits, tossing them into a chipped-enamel basin for later use, she sighed once again, thinking about hippyhubby Wild Bill.  Wild Bill was a hard one, nothing as he had seemed to be on the internet when they were courting.

The oldest in a large family, Wild Bill had built a home at the end of a long deeply-rutted dirt road, over which trees hung, creating a winding tunnel-like approach to the house.  He entertained fantasies about living like in the old days, Abe and Mary in a log cabin or Joe and Sadie in a sodhouse, and had nearly created that effect with this structure, which flapped and banged around whenever the wind blew, and snow when there was snow, coming through the chinks in the walls.

But really, the only thing reminescent of the old days was the shack down by the chicken coop, inside of which was a bench with two holes.  Even though it had two holes, the brother, Mrs. Alfred Packer's brother-in-law, with a tongue too large for his mouth, was always missing both holes.

Somehow, both hippyhubby and hippywife herself never reconciled Abe and Mary, or Joe and Sadie, with a microwave oven in the log cabin or a cat-litter box in the sodhouse; an electric mixer in the log cabin or an internet connection in the sodhouse.  And Mrs. Alfred Packer oftentimes wondered how Mary, or Sadie, got along without mood-altering chemical pharmaceuticals.

And Wild Bill was no Don Juan in bed; it was always poke-poke-poke, done, turn over, immediately fall asleep, and pass gas all night long.  Mrs. Alfred Packer longed for the Wild Bill who had been so passionate, so lustful, so full of animal energy, so unbridled in carnality, that he had seemed in their pre-marital internet chats.

* * * * *

Wild Bill was a man of strong likes and dislikes, mostly dislikes.  He disliked anything, or anyone, that was good and decent, including his own neighbors.  Mrs. Alfred Packer, upon arriving in the area, had been struck at how aesthetic, how appealing, how beautiful and handsome, how warm and gracious and friendly, the people of Oklahoma were; the strong well-formed husbands, the comely wives, the well-groomed and well-behaved children.

But hippyhubby had disabused her of that notion, convincing her that they were actually sordid selfish mean ugly ignorant beings worthy only of contempt; "fundies," he called them, as if that were a bad thing.

It was not that Wild Bill's own family was anything to look at; his gap-toothed mother, the brother with both eyes on the same side of his nose, his stringy sister with the chicken-like cackle to her voice, the brother with a goiter the size of a grapefruit on his throat, and the twins, one whose jaw receded into his neck leaving him with no chin, and the other with his chin where his forehead should be.

She felt most uncomfortable with the brother with three nostrils, who upon coming up behind her, always lifted the back of her skirt to see if she had anything on under there.

And it was always discomfitting if she found herself sitting in between the twins, the chinless one groping one of her breasts, and the chinned-instead-of-foreheaded one groping the other.

The brother-in-law she disliked the most was the youngest brother of hippyhubby, the one born with no ears, the sullen, saturnine chain-smoker of cigarettes who never said anything, simply glaring at other people and things with a malicious insolence.  Wild Bill insisted this one was the anomaly in the family, the aberration, that he was as dumb as a rock.
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2011, 07:26:31 AM »
Wild Bill and his brothers were independent businessmen and craftsmen, earning a living building clandestine moonshine stills out in forests and valleys of the area, and recently they had branched out into something new, what were called "meth labs."

The county sheriff was aware something was going on, but could never catch up with Wild Bill and his brothers; every time the police cruiser pulled up to a work-site, it looked as if Wild Bill and his fellow co-carpenters were putting up a chicken coop or hog shed or cattle shelter instead.

Despite that Wild Bill made a good income, cash only and tax-free, as he was always having to bail one of his brothers out of jail, he was compelled to take away from Mrs. Alfred Packer her paycheck from the local nursing home, where she cleaned the kitchen and brought home $200 a week.

In trade for her paycheck, hippyhubby gave her an allowance of ten dollars a week, paying it with a counterfeit $10 bill.

This had been going on for quite some time, and there had been many reports of funny ten-dollar bills being scattered around in Tulsa, and every time there was a report of yet another one, the county sheriff paid a call upon Mrs. Alfred Packer, to learn if she knew anything about the matter.

The sheriff, being an Oklahoman and a church-goer, was handsome and always courteous, tipping his hat to her, addressing her as "ma'am," and generally treating Mrs. Alfred Packer as if a lady, a princess even, but his visits always unnerved her.  Fortunately, every time the sheriff showed up to inquire about fake paper (or an individual who had mysteriously disappeared, leaving no trace of his physical existence), any possible evidence was long gone.

* * * * *

Defurring a dead rabbit on the table, Mrs. Alfred Packer suddenly remembered something, and gasped.

Earalier that very week, the county sheriff had dropped by.  He had not come by to inquire about any criminal matter, but to buy something instead.  Mrs. Alfred Packer designed and hand-made earrings, jewelry which found great favor with residents of the nursing home, both the unsenile and the senile, many of whom were signing their whole social security checks over to her, they finding the jewelry so irresistible they had to buy it.

Either that, or they found it necessary, if they needed their bottoms wiped or bed changed.

Mrs. Alfred Packer had shown the sheriff her latest creations, the sheriff selecting the pair he thought most suitable for his wife.

"How much?" he asked.

"Ten dollars," she replied.

The sheriff pulled out his wallet, but fiddling among the contents, could find only four $20 bills.

"I'll have to give you one of these," he said; "do you have change?"

After which Mrs. Alfred Packer had given him the earrings, and a $10 bill......
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2011, 08:05:41 AM »
Mrs. Alfred Packer hadn't yet told hippyhubby about that lapse, but she had little time to wonder what to say, as Wild Bill and his brother with hair growing out of his retinas suddenly appeared in the kitchen.

Wild Bill was not in his usually-violent mood, and in fact appeared somewhat jocular.

"You'd better stay off your fat ass and hurry with that hare-and-eggs Easter dinner, woman," he told hippywife, "because we're working up an appetite here.  We got to go to town to pick something up.

"A present for you."

Mrs. Alfred Packer dropped the cadaver-knife, nearly chopping off a finger.

"Right, woman, a present for you, an Easter present for you," Wild Bill insisted.

"Instead of having to cook any more using that explosive natural-gas range, I'm getting you an electric stove."

* * * * *

Wild Bill and his brother went out into the yard, and attached a home-made trailer to the back of the 1949 Ford pick-up truck, and as soon as they had disappeared down the dirt road, Mrs. Alfred Packer sat down and wept; wept tears of joy, tears of thanksgiving, tears of surprise, at how nice hippyhubby was being.

As she walked around the yard collecting chicken eggs, Mrs. Alfred Packer fantasized about this new stove; what it might be, where it was from, what it looked like.

She supposed it was one of those shiny, gleaming, smooth white ranges she'd seen once in the display window at Sears, Roebuck in Tulsa, the one with an oven on top, and an oven below.  Or perhaps it was one of the nice ranges she'd seen another time in the display window at Montgomery Ward in Tulsa, with six burners on it. 

Still dancing joyously around the yard, Mrs. Alfred Packer then remembered the ultra-sleek kitchen range she'd once seen in the display at J.C. Penney in Tulsa, the self-cleaning one.

She was still dancing on tip-toe, faux-pasing as if a ballerina, floating through the air, when Wild Bill and another of his brothers, the youngest one, the chain-smoking no-earred one, the maliciously insolent one, the one allegedly dumber than a rock, came back, something in the trailer covered over with canvas.
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2011, 08:19:31 AM »
"Get off your fat ass and go inside and clear out enough of the kitchen, woman," hippyhubby said, "so that we can get this inside for you."

Mrs. Alfred Packer rushed inside, and shoving the kitchen table against the wall, made haste to prepare the way.

After which Wild Bill and his unearred little brother carried in the electric stove.

Mrs. Alfred Packer gasped in disappointment, utter discouragement.

* * * * *

It was a large, bulky, dented Philco electric stove, about as old as Mrs. Alfred Packer herself.  One of the hinges on the oven door was missing, being replaced with baling-wire.  A burner on top was also absent, cut wires the only evidence it had ever been there.  Two of the burner-knobs were similarly not there.  The white enamel paint was considerably chipped, and there were decades-old grease build-up in the oven and around the burners.

"This is from Lucinda's house," she said, trying to hide her disappointment.  "This is from her house that burned down last week."

"Shut up, woman," Wild Bill said; "it's a safe electric stove, compared with the dangerous natural-gas one here, and now get your fat ass out of the way so we can put it in.

"Be grateful that I cherish you enough to be concerned for your safety."

But first, hippyhubby and his sullen brother had to remove the natural-gas stove, and immediately arose a problem.

The problem was with the 3/4" copper tubing that fed natural gas into the stove; it was welded on both the stove and into the wall.

Wild Bill and his non-earred brother contemplated the situation.

The little brother indicated he had an idea, a great idea, a solution to the problem.  Kneeling on the floor, a lighted cigarette chugging from his mouth, he grabbed a pair of 4' bolt-cutters and severed the pipe.....
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2011, 08:23:20 AM »
Okay, that's it, that's the end.

For a first draft I started writing only a couple of hours ago, it'll do.

As usual, this is fiction, but it's fiction based upon anecdotes of the life of the Packer clan as related by the hippywife primitive in the cooking and baking forum on Skins's island. 

Some things may be a little bit exaggerated, other things greatly minimized, but on the whole, the story's probably at least 67-75% true-to-life accurate, faithful in most details.
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline GOBUCKS

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2011, 10:58:07 AM »
Superb yarn, coach! If only the DUmmies could apply even a speck of that skill in constructing their pathetic bouncy tales.

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2011, 01:12:25 PM »
If only the DUmmies could apply even a speck of that skill in constructing their pathetic bouncy tales.

You know, sir, it's got to be Hell, being the sparkling husband primitive.

You know he wants, badly, to critique this story, which is dedicated to him.

But he can't even do it in "code" from Skins's island, because the imperious primitive who doesn't like us, the "Theempressof_All" primitive, is a moderator there, and watching him like a hawk.

In case you didn't know, the imperious primitive, a habitue of the cooking and baking forum, is the one who has a near-middle-aged son who gets a new "life partner" about seven times a week.

So the sparkling husband primitive is gagged; he has no chance to praise this literary work.

And it's even worse than that, for the sparkling husband primitive.

As you know, he's a member of a certain, uh, organization that has a code of ethics; one of them is omerta, where one does not reveal his membership in this certain, uh, organization.

So the sparkling husband primitive can't come clean, and admit he's a member.

There's a second code of ethics, fifteen or so points, which reads like the Boy Scout oath, one point of which it says one cannot tell a lie.

So the sparkling primitive can't lie, and say he's not a member.

I'll bet the sparkling husband primitive's fit to be tied.
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline GOBUCKS

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2011, 01:45:59 PM »
You know, sir, it's got to be Hell, being the sparkling husband primitive.

You know he wants, badly, to critique this story, which is dedicated to him.
....

I'll bet the sparkling husband primitive's fit to be tied.

I'm sure DUmmy Husb2Sparkly is dying to comment. DUmmies hunger for nothing, not even illicit drugs, more than attention. Being mentioned so prominently has to be the biggest event so far in 2011 in this DUmmy's life. (Of course, a fresh batch of litter is a big event to this DUmbass.)

The only problem might be his designation as "l'eunoco", and his tacit admission. If he accepts that label, then it's a short journey to the next sexual stop, and his affiliation with a certain ethnic/fraternal/business organization makes that problematic. I know you don't do television, but many will see parallels between DUmmy Husb2Sparkly and the ill-fated Vito Spatafore, of the Soprano outfit.

Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2011, 02:33:46 PM »
Seeing her hesitate, hippyhubby Wild Bill angrily grabbed her arm and dragged her along; "We don't do religion, woman; remember how many times I've told you, we don't do religion, and you better not forget it."

And upon reaching home, Wild Bill had locked up her shoes, leaving her barefooted so she wouldn't run away.

Does he really treat her like that? I feel bad if he does. :(
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats

Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2011, 02:42:24 PM »
What Mrs. Alfred Packer had not known at the time was that Wild Bill was illiterate--he didn't do Christmas, and spent the day listening to "talking books" from National Public Radio; only the blind and the illiterate did such a thing, not being able to read actual books.  And Wild Bill was not blind.

And so actually it had not been Wild Bill making all those written expressions of raw animal passion during their internetizing; rather, it was Wild Bill's sister.

Mrs. Alfred Packer oftentimes wondered why Wild Bill's sister, her sister-in-law, gazed at her in a way most women usually do not look at other women, and it discomfitted her considerably.

But at any rate, hippywife had married hippyhubby, who made it clear from the start that she was to adopt his own tastes, his own preferences, his own opinions of things, his own prejudices and loathings, his own hostility towards all that is good and decent in people, and in life.

If she didn't, he would wreak physical damage upon her, so she did.

Is this true? I feel bad for her if it is, a woman totally loses herself when she allows a man to dominate her.
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats

Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2011, 02:46:04 PM »
And Wild Bill was no Don Juan in bed; it was always poke-poke-poke, done, turn over, immediately fall asleep, and pass gas all night long.  Mrs. Alfred Packer longed for the Wild Bill who had been so passionate, so lustful, so full of animal energy, so unbridled in carnality, that he had seemed in their pre-marital internet chats.

Quote
She felt most uncomfortable with the brother with three nostrils, who upon coming up behind her, always lifted the back of her skirt to see if she had anything on under there.

And it was always discomfitting if she found herself sitting in between the twins, the chinless one groping one of her breasts, and the chinned-instead-of-foreheaded one groping the other.

The brother-in-law she disliked the most was the youngest brother of hippyhubby, the one born with no ears, the sullen, saturnine chain-smoker of cigarettes who never said anything, simply glaring at other people and things with a malicious insolence.  Wild Bill insisted this one was the anomaly in the family, the aberration, that he was as dumb as a rock.

OMG! is this true? I don't really know any of these people hence the questions.
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats

Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2011, 02:47:41 PM »
In trade for her paycheck, hippyhubby gave her an allowance of ten dollars a week, paying it with a counterfeit $10 bill.

:(
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats

Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2011, 02:50:10 PM »
Mrs. Alfred Packer hadn't yet told hippyhubby about that lapse, but she had little time to wonder what to say, as Wild Bill and his brother with hair growing out of his retinas suddenly appeared in the kitchen.

Wild Bill was not in his usually-violent mood, and in fact appeared somewhat jocular.

"You'd better stay off your fat ass and hurry with that hare-and-eggs Easter dinner, woman," he told hippywife, "because we're working up an appetite here.  We got to go to town to pick something up.

"A present for you."

Mrs. Alfred Packer dropped the cadaver-knife, nearly chopping off a finger.

"Right, woman, a present for you, an Easter present for you," Wild Bill insisted.

"Instead of having to cook any more using that explosive natural-gas range, I'm getting you an electric stove."

Awwwww!

Quote
It was a large, bulky, dented Philco electric stove, about as old as Mrs. Alfred Packer herself.  One of the hinges on the oven door was missing, being replaced with baling-wire.  A burner on top was also absent, cut wires the only evidence it had ever been there.  Two of the burner-knobs were similarly not there.  The white enamel paint was considerably chipped, and there were decades-old grease build-up in the oven and around the burners.

"This is from Lucinda's house," she said, trying to hide her disappointment.  "This is from her house that burned down last week."

"Shut up, woman," Wild Bill said; "it's a safe electric stove, compared with the dangerous natural-gas one here, and now get your fat ass out of the way so we can put it in.

"Be grateful that I cherish you enough to be concerned for your safety."

But first, hippyhubby and his sullen brother had to remove the natural-gas stove, and immediately arose a problem.

The problem was with the 3/4" copper tubing that fed natural gas into the stove; it was welded on both the stove and into the wall.

Wild Bill and his non-earred brother contemplated the situation.

The little brother indicated he had an idea, a great idea, a solution to the problem.  Kneeling on the floor, a lighted cigarette chugging from his mouth, he grabbed a pair of 4' bolt-cutters and severed the pipe....

Well darn! :(
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats

Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2011, 02:51:31 PM »
Okay, that's it, that's the end.

For a first draft I started writing only a couple of hours ago, it'll do.

As usual, this is fiction, but it's fiction based upon anecdotes of the life of the Packer clan as related by the hippywife primitive in the cooking and baking forum on Skins's island. 

Some things may be a little bit exaggerated, other things greatly minimized, but on the whole, the story's probably at least 67-75% true-to-life accurate, faithful in most details.

Oh! it's mostly fiction but there are snippets of truth? :(
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats

Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2011, 02:52:37 PM »
frank, you're a brilliant writer!
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats

Offline Chris_

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2011, 03:42:35 PM »
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Mrs. Alfred Packer hadn't yet told hippyhubby about that lapse, but she had little time to wonder what to say, as Wild Bill and his brother with hair growing out of his retinas suddenly appeared in the kitchen.
:rotf: Hurrah!

Happy Easter everybody!
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2011, 04:28:22 PM »
Oh! it's mostly fiction but there are snippets of truth? :(

There's a lot more truth in it than just snippets, madam.

Wild Bill's hatred of God and religion, transferred to Mrs. Alfred Packer.

Wild Bill's contempt for his fellow Oklahomans, transferred to Mrs. Alfred Packer.

Wild Bill's depriving his wife of appliances and implements necessary for running a home.

Wild Bill's domineering family.

Wild Bill upsetting his wife so much she seeks solace in chemical pharmaceutical mood-alterers.

Wild Bill's less-than-stellar civic record.

&c., &c., &c.

All things which Mrs. Alfred Packer herself has admitted happened.
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline franksolich

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #19 on: April 17, 2011, 04:46:16 PM »
OMG! is this true? I don't really know any of these people hence the questions.

It's a constantly continuing story, the story of the Packer clan.

Every story has some untied loose ends, to be tied in a sequel sometime later.

For example, you might recall the little Celestial peddlar of stainless-steel cookery, who mysteriously disappeared without a trace, after which Wild Bill and Mrs. Alfred Packer dined upon chop suey and chow mein for months, as side-dishes.

I still haven't cleared up the matter of the Federal Express deliveryman.

And now there's the sister-in-law, with her unnatural longing.

And of course the sheriff and the counterfeit $10 bills.

The lobsters from Maine.

The brother-in-law surreptitiously in competition with Wild Bill in the distillery-building business.

The fate of Wild Bill's first wife, who disappeared without a trace, after which Wild Bill rented a locker (freezer) at the local butchery for six months, filling it up and then slowly emptying it.

Wild Bill and Chief S itting Bull have it out.

Mrs. Alfred Packer and her relations with the contemptible "fundies."

The premature and unanticipated disappearance of residents of the local nursing home.

The African goat's-head stew.

Mrs. Alfred Packer saved by a package of praying jelly beans.

&c., &c., &c.

There's a lot of untied loose ends, as there had been in previous sagas (some of which eventually got tied up in this story)--the one new element in this story was the introduction of the ears-deprived chain-smoking sullen youngest brother, who's likely to be featured prominently in subsequent sagas.

Stay tuned.
apres moi, le deluge

Milo Yiannopoulos "It has been obvious since 2016 that Trump carries an anointing of some kind. My American friends, are you so blind to reason, and deaf to Heaven? Can he do all this, and cannot get a crown? This man is your King. Coronate him, and watch every devil shriek, and every demon howl."

Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #20 on: April 17, 2011, 05:03:24 PM »
There's a lot more truth in it than just snippets, madam.

Wild Bill's hatred of God and religion, transferred to Mrs. Alfred Packer.

Wild Bill's contempt for his fellow Oklahomans, transferred to Mrs. Alfred Packer.

Wild Bill's depriving his wife of appliances and implements necessary for running a home.

Wild Bill's domineering family.

Wild Bill upsetting his wife so much she seeks solace in chemical pharmaceutical mood-alterers.

Wild Bill's less-than-stellar civic record.

&c., &c., &c.

All things which Mrs. Alfred Packer herself has admitted happened.

That's really sad frank and I feel more sympathetic towards her now.
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats

Offline Traveshamockery

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2011, 07:36:23 PM »
Excellent work, Frank.  I now understand the hippywife a little better.  The hippyhubby?  Not so much. 


And then there is this..........
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And Wild Bill was no Don Juan in bed; it was always poke-poke-poke, done, turn over, immediately fall asleep, and pass gas all night long.  Mrs. Alfred Packer longed for the Wild Bill who had been so passionate, so lustful, so full of animal energy, so unbridled in carnality, that he had seemed in their pre-marital internet chats.


Who doesn't love a little DUmmy hippy porn?  I can say I'm thankful there are no pictures or home movies. 




Offline GOBUCKS

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2011, 09:06:05 PM »
It's a constantly continuing story, the story of the Packer clan.

Every story has some untied loose ends, to be tied in a sequel sometime later.

For example, you might recall the little Celestial peddlar of stainless-steel cookery, who mysteriously disappeared without a trace, after which Wild Bill and Mrs. Alfred Packer dined upon chop suey and chow mein for months, as side-dishes.

I still haven't cleared up the matter of the Federal Express deliveryman.

And now there's the sister-in-law, with her unnatural longing.

And of course the sheriff and the counterfeit $10 bills.

The lobsters from Maine.

The brother-in-law surreptitiously in competition with Wild Bill in the distillery-building business.

The fate of Wild Bill's first wife, who disappeared without a trace, after which Wild Bill rented a locker (freezer) at the local butchery for six months, filling it up and then slowly emptying it.

Wild Bill and Chief S itting Bull have it out.

Mrs. Alfred Packer and her relations with the contemptible "fundies."

The premature and unanticipated disappearance of residents of the local nursing home.

The African goat's-head stew.

Mrs. Alfred Packer saved by a package of praying jelly beans.

&c., &c., &c.

There's a lot of untied loose ends, as there had been in previous sagas (some of which eventually got tied up in this story)--the one new element in this story was the introduction of the ears-deprived chain-smoking sullen youngest brother, who's likely to be featured prominently in subsequent sagas.

Stay tuned.
You could explore in a little more detail all the peddling she does at the nursing home. It used to be cookies and other baked goods, since she purports to go through probably 25-30 pounds of flour a week, for a family of two. Now it's her glued together paste-and-pot-metal "jewelry". She is always offering something for sale to the feeble old folks who depend on her for their care. Examining the fortunes of the ones who resisted her sales pitches might be interesting.

Offline DumbAss Tanker

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #23 on: April 17, 2011, 11:06:00 PM »
I found the rabbit preparation particularly amusing.

 :cheersmate:

  :-)
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Offline Ballygrl

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Re: Mrs. Alfred Packer does Easter
« Reply #24 on: April 18, 2011, 12:15:30 AM »
I found the rabbit preparation particularly amusing.

:cheersmate:

:-)

I was horrified, does she really cut the ears, nose and feet off the bunny?
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"The nation that couldn’t be conquered by foreign enemies has been conquered by its elected officials" odawg Free Republic in reference to the GOP Elites who are no difference than the Democrats