http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x9174984It's a few days old, but worth the read.
Fuzz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:09 PM
Original message
What do you do when you're male and feel 'trapped' in a marriage?
I know I may get some 'poor you' or some male bashing, but here is a short description of the situation.
Married nearly 16 years.
Gave up my career to be a stay at home dad. Kids are doing great in school, fantastic actually, first chair in orchestra, honor rolls, gifted and talented classes, special programs for which very few are selected, stuff like that. It's been my priority for years. I do all the cooking, some of the cleaning (not my strong suit).
Wife's career is going strong and I try to encourage her. I was in the corporate world for a long time, know it and understand it as well as the office dynamic. She has often said that advice has been invaluable in helping her navigate the pettiness, and several promotions have come her way with more on the horizon.
I now have some chronic health conditions that I won't go into.
Because of this situation, I have no where to turn, and nothing of my own, except this family, this house, this home, and I think she has lost all respect for me.
Everything I say, no matter how it's said is taken as an insult. There is nothing physical at all. Not once in 16 years of marriage has she initiated contact. And no matter how honest I am, an no matter how or when I attempt to bring up the subjects, it's always the wrong time or the wrong way. Yet, she says she loves me and says we'll work on it, but nothing has changed, and it's been years.
Sounds like a divorce is in order, right?
I guess this is roll reversal.
Thanks for letting me vent.
She wants a man, not some panty waist. She's getting boinked by a co-worker.
Mari333 (1000+ posts) Journal Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:11 PM
Response to Original message
2. marriage counseling if you want to keep it together
and heres a huge hug.
Fuzz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:17 PM
Response to Reply #2
11. She doesn't want to go. She thinks she will just be 'beat up'.
Warpy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Journal Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:49 PM
Response to Reply #11
45. Please go alone
It can save your life instead of allowing you to spin down into despair. We all know how that one ends.
Good luck, that feeling of being trapped is a terrible one.
Wonder what percentage of liberals go to therapy? It is a liberal occupation exclusively utilized by liberals.
Kali Donating Member (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:13 PM
Response to Original message
3. why can't you "have something of your own"?
I don't understand
Fuzz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:19 PM
Response to Reply #3
15. I just don't really, I have my computer, my coffee, my homemade cigs
and my whiskey. I hardly have any clothes. Most everything goes for the kids.
This explains a lot DUmmy.
rebel with a cause Donating Member (1000+ posts) Journal Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 09:37 PM
Response to Reply #15
66. Wow, sounds familiar....
Buy you some clothes, they don't have to be expensive just stylish, and take some pride in yourself. Maybe lay off the whiskey if that is adding to your problem. 
Don't know what your health problem is but if your wife is verbally abusive this might open you up for more put downs because it may make you seem more helpless/defenseless. I have been through this, so I can tell you to build your self confidence up and tell your self that you are not a worthless blob. Get counseling, take some classes, get a part time job if you are able and if you are not do some volunteer work that you can physically handle. Prepare yourself for what may come if your marriage does fail.
As for you original question. I you still truly feel trapped after the holidays then chew your leg off and set yourself free. Some of us women have basically had to do this to escape our marriages. Sorry if this is a downer.
Try some Mydol.
qb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:14 PM
Response to Original message
5. I jerked off a lot.
There's nothing wrong with a little short-term relief.
I also distanced myself from the emotional abuse and spent a lot of time with my kids.
I figured we could get along civilly until the kids were older.
I was actually relieved when she left me for another man.
rucky Donating Member (1000+ posts) Journal Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:21 PM
Response to Original message
17. Let me know when you figure it out...
I'm seven years into what's pretty much the same situation, and have no ideas myself.
Are these the types of men liberal woman really want? Women wear the pants on the family.
Hello_Kitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Journal Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:21 PM
Response to Original message
19. You should be entitled to some spousal maintenance, since you are dependent.
If you decide to leave.
I'm so sorry. :hug:
I suspect that this is what the fuzzy one wanted to hear.
AngryAmish Donating Member (1000+ posts) Journal Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:25 PM
Response to Original message
25. Well, you got your booze and that is important
Just look forward to the playoffs.
You.... you.... you cold hearted man you.
pitohui Donating Member (1000+ posts) Journal Click to send private message to this author Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list Fri Dec-18-09 04:27 PM
Response to Original message
27. never give up a job/career to be a stay at home babysitter
you have just learned what millions upon millions of women suffered and endured to learn
if you want to be admired and respected, you need to be self supporting, a house husband is no more attractive than a house wife, because anyone with eyes (which presumably includes your spouse) can see that in other marriages, both adults are capable of holding down jobs whilst raising the children
it is very hard to respect someone who is living thru his or her kids -- it is v. hard to respect an adult who can't earn money, because we live in a capitalist society and, at the end of the day, you are judged on your ability to earn
each person has to have his or her own life, to be an adult, and there is just nothing sexy or exciting abt a person who wraps his/her life around the rug rats
you do understand that there are lots of two career couples and those couples are just as likely, if not more likely, to have high achieving kids in the honor society etc? well, your wife in the workplace knows that too...
i am really sorry for your health problems and know how difficult/impossible it can be to get hired in middle age (esp. if you have health problems, what co. wants you on their health plan?)
i honestly don't know what to do, i can explain why your wife no longer respects you, because it's the nature of living in a capitalist society, and it's the same reason why a successful man no longer respects a middle-aged sick wife who isn't working -- there is simply nothing in the package to respect
if possible you need to find a way to bring in at least some money but it's a good chance that your health precludes this
all i can do is say that millions of women have been there and, at the end of the day, it is NEVER a good idea for an adult to become financially dependent on another adult -- sometimes it can't be avoided, but when it's done voluntarily, it leads to the situation you're talking abt
most people don't ADMIT that they don't respect the female stay at home parent, but of course they don't, there is no reason why they would feel any different abt a male stay at home parent -- it's a problem of a grown adult being perceived as slacking off
yeah, yeah, raising kids is the toughest most important job in the world...except the trouble is we know that other working parents do it...so we're just humoring you when we pretend to believe that raising kids requires a stay at home parent giving up his whole life to attend to the kiddies
if you want to be sexy and respected by your wife, you don't want to be humored any more, you want to be attractive and respected
if there's any way you can, get a job, if not, i'm truly stumped...you are setting an example for your children and in fairness to them i think you should tell them that it wasn't a good idea to be a stay at home parent -- one thing my mom did, we made SURE we knew that staying home to raise kids was a shitty idea if we wanted security, respect, and $$$ in later life -- a break in a career too often means the death of the career
This draws the wrath of the hive dwellers.
Still a lot there.
