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In these troubled economic times, when money is scarce for many people, it's important that we remind ourselves, and our loved ones, that the holiday season is not about buying things.Then we and our loved ones can enjoy a hearty laugh, because, of COURSE the holiday season is about buying things. Now more than ever, the U.S. retail economy depends on consumers spending money they don't actually have on gifts that nobody actually needs. That is the thinking behind the federal government's recently passed $783-billion Emergency Holiday Retail Stimulus Act, which will be used to purchase, among other things, what the White House has described as ``a cheese log the size of the Chrysler Building.''When it comes to gifts that nobody needs, you will not find a better source than our annual Holiday Gift Guide, which we have produced every single year without a break since the discovery of America. As you might imagine, it's a major effort. The process begins in early spring, when we contact leading lifestyle trendsetter celebrities such as Beyoncé, Bret Favre and Queen Elizabeth II to ask them what gift ideas they believe will be ``hot'' this holiday season. Within hours -- such is the prestige of this Gift Guide -- we get a personal response from every single one of these celebrities' legal representatives, informing us that we have violated our restraining order. Then we take eight months off. ...Dave Barry's 2009 Gift GuideEducational sperm snow globePoop boxJerky pistolNose shower-gel dispenserMetal-detecting sandalsWhoppair boxing glovesNFL Garden GnomeBeer pagerStink-finder ultraviolet lightGolf club drink dispenserWine glass holder necklace (set of two)
