Author Topic: General humor thread  (Read 38704 times)

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Offline Wineslob

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #50 on: November 30, 2009, 01:43:28 PM »
WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
__________________
John
“The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.”

        -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC (106-43 BC)

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Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #51 on: December 01, 2009, 12:28:41 PM »

Offline littlelamb

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #52 on: December 01, 2009, 10:00:47 PM »
WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
__________________
John



Perfect note :heart: it
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #53 on: December 04, 2009, 11:51:22 AM »

Offline Chris

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #54 on: December 04, 2009, 12:45:12 PM »
This post is disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #55 on: December 04, 2009, 04:20:42 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #56 on: December 15, 2009, 01:32:53 PM »
Rwandan Grand Prix

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Dp_g9tIr8I[/youtube]

Offline rustybayonet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #57 on: December 16, 2009, 02:06:32 PM »
From an E-Mail -


Two Couples that snuck into the White House without any credentials:



and

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V




V
VVV
« Last Edit: December 16, 2009, 02:09:28 PM by rustybayonet »
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery - today is a gift- that's why it's called the "present"

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #58 on: December 30, 2009, 12:16:37 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #59 on: January 03, 2010, 11:23:23 AM »
I first saw this a couple years ago. It still cracks me up.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w[/youtube]

Offline rustybayonet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #60 on: January 03, 2010, 07:42:23 PM »
from an e-mail;


-TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK -


A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he
attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and
a calculator.  At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious 'Al-Gebra' movement. He did not identify the man, who has been
charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.


'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code
names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.'


As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.




When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have
better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes..' White House
aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
President.


It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.



 
 
 HAPPY NEW YEAR
 
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery - today is a gift- that's why it's called the "present"

Offline Wayne

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #61 on: January 04, 2010, 06:29:54 AM »
 :lmao: :rotf:  That is so funny and stolen..

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #62 on: January 05, 2010, 04:11:53 PM »

Offline SSG Snuggle Bunny

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #63 on: January 06, 2010, 01:08:33 PM »
A priest and a rabbi are having lunch together. The priest admiringly shows his sandwich to the rabbi and says, "When are you going to cut lose and enjoy a delicious BLT?"

Without looking up from his lentil soup the rabbi replies, "At your wedding."
According to the Bible, "know" means "yes."

Offline Specbid

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #64 on: January 06, 2010, 03:11:52 PM »

Stan was a big, tough, hard-drinking ironworker.
One day, he gets home from work to find his wife upset.
His wife says "Stan, you need to talk to your grandson Barack. Seems he got laid yesterday."
Now Barack was only 15, so this news thrilled Stan. He immediately went to the bar to boast about his 15 yr. old grandson getting laid.
He buys all his ironworker mates drink after drink and gets louder and louder "my grandson is only 15 and is already getting laid."
Now who should walk by the bar? Barack himself. Stan grabs him and pulls him into the bar.
"Well Barack," says Stan, "did you get laid again today?"
Barack says "give me a break, Grandpa, my a$$hole still hurts from yesterday."

Offline catsmtrods

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #65 on: January 06, 2010, 04:43:06 PM »
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.  SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .


 
- 'I've got Problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
- 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.  'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
- 'How much do you charge?'

- 'Eighty dollars per visit,'  replied the Doctor.

- 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

- 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
- 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
- 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
- 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

 SCREW THOSE SHRINKS... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
"Liberalism is an essentially feminine, submissive world view. Perhaps a better adjective than feminine is infantile. It is the world view of men who do not have the moral toughness, the spiritual strength to stand up and do single combat with life, who cannot adjust to the reality that the world is not a huge, pink-and-blue, padded nursery in which the lions lie down with the lambs and everyone lives happily ever after."


~ Dr. William Pierce


 

"How many more times are we going to cower under tables and chairs, whimpering like mindless dogs, thinking that someone else has the responsibility to save and protect us?"

Offline Daisy

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #66 on: January 08, 2010, 04:52:49 PM »
An old lady in a nursing home for old people was walking around flipping up her nightdress at the old men,  asking "Super Sex?". She was ignored. Finally she walked up to an old man in a wheelchair, flipping up her nightdress she asked, "Super Sex"? The old man paused briefly and replied, "Ill take the soup."

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #67 on: January 09, 2010, 03:40:46 PM »

Offline SSG Snuggle Bunny

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #68 on: January 09, 2010, 07:12:28 PM »
Tough Guys...


That MG42 would be a lot more effective and intimidating if it had a barrel.
According to the Bible, "know" means "yes."

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #69 on: February 21, 2010, 05:18:48 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #70 on: March 06, 2010, 02:46:06 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #71 on: March 07, 2010, 04:45:02 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #72 on: March 07, 2010, 04:51:15 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #73 on: March 08, 2010, 05:08:57 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #74 on: March 08, 2010, 07:08:25 PM »