Need Advice

[morningAngel]

So I came down with a broken heart just to start my winter.  The one that I love told me that there was "no spark" and that he didn't want to "force it"..so I walked away..well after three weeks I finally get an email saying he had thought he was giving me space which is why he didn't bother to call or email or text etc...and that I was a wonderful person etc etc etc...
so...
do I turn around and run back? text? call? what?

I suck at this relationship shit, am gonna start going to the bar and dumping them in the morning

[Zeus]

So I came down with a broken heart just to start my winter.  The one that I love told me that there was "no spark" and that he didn't want to "force it"..so I walked away..well after three weeks I finally get an email saying he had thought he was giving me space which is why he didn't bother to call or email or text etc...and that I was a wonderful person etc etc etc...
so...
do I turn around and run back? text? call? what?

I suck at this relationship shit, am gonna start going to the bar and dumping them in the morning

Quite asking others what you should do.  Follow your heart

[morningAngel]

So I came down with a broken heart just to start my winter.  The one that I love told me that there was "no spark" and that he didn't want to "force it"..so I walked away..well after three weeks I finally get an email saying he had thought he was giving me space which is why he didn't bother to call or email or text etc...and that I was a wonderful person etc etc etc...
so...
do I turn around and run back? text? call? what?

I suck at this relationship shit, am gonna start going to the bar and dumping them in the morning

Quite asking others what you should do.  Follow your heart

my heart is what got me in this mess in the first place..I have piss poor judgement!

[Zeus]

my heart is what got me in this mess in the first place..I have piss poor judgement!

Is your heart the problem or  over emotive & pride the problem ?

[Chris_]

So I came down with a broken heart just to start my winter.  The one that I love told me that there was "no spark" and that he didn't want to "force it"..so I walked away..well after three weeks I finally get an email saying he had thought he was giving me space which is why he didn't bother to call or email or text etc...and that I was a wonderful person etc etc etc...
so...
do I turn around and run back? text? call? what?

I suck at this relationship shit, am gonna start going to the bar and dumping them in the morning

Quite asking others what you should do.  Follow your heart

That is the worst advice I have ever heard/read.

[Chris_]

You need to organize your thoughts:

1. Do you have an open/honest relationship without games?  I suspect not, with that "space" stuff -- but I could be wrong.
2. What values do you share?  Are they lasting values or simply shared likes?
3. Where do you want the relationship to go?  Let it wander its own way at your age is not a good idea.
4. How do you want 3. to happen? Where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year?  5 years?

I would start there.  Put your heart in a lock box and  determine what will make you happiest IN THE LONG RUN.

Even if it hurts in the short run.

[Zeus]

That is the worst advice I have ever heard/read.

Why ? You or I or the corner grocier could tell her what to do but if it works out or doesn't work are our lifes affected at all ?

[morningAngel]

You need to organize your thoughts:

1. Do you have an open/honest relationship without games?  I suspect not, with that "space" stuff -- but I could be wrong.
2. What values do you share?  Are they lasting values or simply shared likes?
3. Where do you want the relationship to go?  Let it wander its own way at your age is not a good idea.
4. How do you want 3. to happen? Where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year?  5 years?

I would start there.  Put your heart in a lock box and  determine what will make you happiest IN THE LONG RUN.

Even if it hurts in the short run.

you make some valid points.  the whole space thing bothered me...not wondering for three weeks whether I was dead or alive? what was going on? 
this whole spark thing? do I wait around for it to come back? what if it never does? am I somebody to hang around with until he finds the "spark" with someone else?
oh this just plain sucks
going back to plan B....bar..drunken pick ups...

[ReardenSteel]

you make some valid points.  the whole space thing bothered me...not wondering for three weeks whether I was dead or alive? what was going on? 
this whole spark thing? do I wait around for it to come back? what if it never does? am I somebody to hang around with until he finds the "spark" with someone else?
oh this just plain sucks
going back to plan B....bar..drunken pick ups...

Which bar? 

I tend to agree with freedumb here despite his name. If it were me in your shoes I would make contact but not without "preconditions" (as they say). Follow your brain in this respect. Also, even if I knew I was going to take the person back they would have to do something extraordinary to earn it as well as do so in my timeframe. Not games of course but honest trust building.

On edit:

That's my two cents and about what my advice is worth. I'm no expert, but I've been down this road a ton. (also, for the record, I'm single. LOL)

[Carl]

To be brutally honest about the matter it sounds like someone that liked the attention you gave and has decided he misses that.
Not sure he wants anything more then that though and if that is the case then you know in both your head and heart what the answer is.

No matter what you do,don`t let yourself be hurt anymore in this,you are a terrific gal that doesn`t deserve that.

[Chris_]

That is the worst advice I have ever heard/read.

Why ? You or I or the corner grocier could tell her what to do but if it works out or doesn't work are our lifes affected at all ?

"Listening to your heart" usually ends up in tragedy.  You need to listen with your brain.  Your heart points a direction -- your brain decides whether it is a good one.

"But I love him!" is the cry of many a single mother or woman who is stuck in an abusive relationship.

Think about it -- how often do you hear about (or know) women who are dating men in prison.  No matter what, that is stupid.  But these idiots stay with them because they "follow their heart."

[Chris_]

You need to organize your thoughts:

1. Do you have an open/honest relationship without games?  I suspect not, with that "space" stuff -- but I could be wrong.
2. What values do you share?  Are they lasting values or simply shared likes?
3. Where do you want the relationship to go?  Let it wander its own way at your age is not a good idea.
4. How do you want 3. to happen? Where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year?  5 years?

I would start there.  Put your heart in a lock box and  determine what will make you happiest IN THE LONG RUN.

Even if it hurts in the short run.

you make some valid points.  the whole space thing bothered me...not wondering for three weeks whether I was dead or alive? what was going on? 
this whole spark thing? do I wait around for it to come back? what if it never does? am I somebody to hang around with until he finds the "spark" with someone else?
oh this just plain sucks
going back to plan B....bar..drunken pick ups...

Sparks are fun, but they need to be followed up by a warm, long lasting fire. 

You are too precious to wait for anyone.  Don't let your self-respect be measured by his whims.  Let him "spark" with someone else -- it just means it wasn't meant to be.

[morningAngel]

You need to organize your thoughts:

1. Do you have an open/honest relationship without games?  I suspect not, with that "space" stuff -- but I could be wrong.
2. What values do you share?  Are they lasting values or simply shared likes?
3. Where do you want the relationship to go?  Let it wander its own way at your age is not a good idea.
4. How do you want 3. to happen? Where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year?  5 years?

I would start there.  Put your heart in a lock box and  determine what will make you happiest IN THE LONG RUN.

Even if it hurts in the short run.

you make some valid points.  the whole space thing bothered me...not wondering for three weeks whether I was dead or alive? what was going on? 
this whole spark thing? do I wait around for it to come back? what if it never does? am I somebody to hang around with until he finds the "spark" with someone else?
oh this just plain sucks
going back to plan B....bar..drunken pick ups...

Sparks are fun, but they need to be followed up by a warm, long lasting fire. 

You are too precious to wait for anyone.  Don't let your self-respect be measured by his whims.  Let him "spark" with someone else -- it just means it wasn't meant to be.

aw thanks
actually I reached "shear pin" level today and basically told him FU... my family being a farm family for those unfamilar with the shear pin theory..moving parts have a shear pin a small metal pin of inferior easily broken metal, this part when stressed will break thus halting the gears and preventing major damage to the larger more expensive parts, in other words when your shear pin goes there is a good reason...
your hay baler gears suddenly stop working, it means the gears were stressed from a  jam up of too wet hay and your shear pin broke, your child is tired, over stimulated and cranky and you ask her to pick up her toys and she blows a complete tantrum..her shear pin broke...
after much thought..I realized..my shear pin broke

[Chris_]

You need to organize your thoughts:

1. Do you have an open/honest relationship without games?  I suspect not, with that "space" stuff -- but I could be wrong.
2. What values do you share?  Are they lasting values or simply shared likes?
3. Where do you want the relationship to go?  Let it wander its own way at your age is not a good idea.
4. How do you want 3. to happen? Where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year?  5 years?

I would start there.  Put your heart in a lock box and  determine what will make you happiest IN THE LONG RUN.

Even if it hurts in the short run.

you make some valid points.  the whole space thing bothered me...not wondering for three weeks whether I was dead or alive? what was going on? 
this whole spark thing? do I wait around for it to come back? what if it never does? am I somebody to hang around with until he finds the "spark" with someone else?
oh this just plain sucks
going back to plan B....bar..drunken pick ups...

Sparks are fun, but they need to be followed up by a warm, long lasting fire. 

You are too precious to wait for anyone.  Don't let your self-respect be measured by his whims.  Let him "spark" with someone else -- it just means it wasn't meant to be.

aw thanks
actually I reached "shear pin" level today and basically told him FU... my family being a farm family for those unfamilar with the shear pin theory..moving parts have a shear pin a small metal pin of inferior easily broken metal, this part when stressed will break thus halting the gears and preventing major damage to the larger more expensive parts, in other words when your shear pin goes there is a good reason...
your hay baler gears suddenly stop working, it means the gears were stressed from a  jam up of too wet hay and your shear pin broke, your child is tired, over stimulated and cranky and you ask her to pick up her toys and she blows a complete tantrum..her shear pin broke...
after much thought..I realized..my shear pin broke

If I was 20 years younger, I would love to be your dad (/George Burns)

[Zeus]

That is the worst advice I have ever heard/read.

Why ? You or I or the corner grocier could tell her what to do but if it works out or doesn't work are our lifes affected at all ?

"Listening to your heart" usually ends up in tragedy.  You need to listen with your brain.  Your heart points a direction -- your brain decides whether it is a good one.

"But I love him!" is the cry of many a single mother or woman who is stuck in an abusive relationship.

Think about it -- how often do you hear about (or know) women who are dating men in prison.  No matter what, that is stupid.  But these idiots stay with them because they "follow their heart."

Hence the followup about being overly emotive. Listen to your heart(unsaid but should be understood is the heart listens to the brain). What you or I or the corner grocier think about someone elses relationship is just gossip of sorts we don't need to like it or understand it. Any relationship is between the 2 parties involved no one else. Could be why so many relationships fail,one or the other or both are more concerned about what others think than what they themselves do.

[MrsSmith]

I've broken up and been broken up with several times.  With few exceptions, regardless of which did the breaking, he has called or come back a few weeks later, wanting to fix it back up.  With husband #1, I tried it.  Never again.  Whatever was wrong, gets worse.  Whatever was right, disappears.  

IF you decide to try it again anyway, don't just go back.  Set up ground rules, and make him earn you all over again, just like you'd never dated before.  If nothing else, it puts the whole relationship back on the basis of rebuilding, not just start back where we left off.

If you think you can stay distant enough to make rebuilding possible, it may work.  Do not get too intimate until the process is working.  The sexiest thing a girl can do is hold herself somewhat aloof.  If he perceives that you are chasing him, he will run.  If you are taking even one step away, he will follow along behind.  Keep the distance.  Anytime he starts to back off, back off just as fast, or faster.  And do always remind yourself that you can live just fine without him.  

Before you decide which way to go, pray about it.  Listen for that still, small voice.  

[Chris_]

That is the worst advice I have ever heard/read.

Why ? You or I or the corner grocier could tell her what to do but if it works out or doesn't work are our lifes affected at all ?

"Listening to your heart" usually ends up in tragedy.  You need to listen with your brain.  Your heart points a direction -- your brain decides whether it is a good one.

"But I love him!" is the cry of many a single mother or woman who is stuck in an abusive relationship.

Think about it -- how often do you hear about (or know) women who are dating men in prison.  No matter what, that is stupid.  But these idiots stay with them because they "follow their heart."

Hence the followup about being overly emotive. Listen to your heart(unsaid but should be understood is the heart listens to the brain). What you or I or the corner grocier think about someone elses relationship is just gossip of sorts we don't need to like it or understand it. Any relationship is between the 2 parties involved no one else. Could be why so many relationships fail,one or the other or both are more concerned about what others think than what they themselves do.

I have never had a relationship have anything to do with anyone else. Maybe your relationships hinge on 3rd parties but that is far from the norm.  But I have been given good advice that I didn't listen to.  Mostly from people older and wiser than me who had been down that road more than a bit.

[Chris_]

Before you decide which way to go, pray about it.  Listen for that still, small voice.  

Like the one I ignored that was screaming at and kicking me and pulling my hair when I got married the 1st time saying "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND??? STOP!!! STOP!!!! STOP!!!" -- that voice?

;)

[asdf2231]

Hon what you need to do is set your heart aside and take a look at the "Big Picture".

Is the guy ever going to be right as a father for Little Bug or the type of person you see yourself being happy with in 5 years?  Are you really right for HIM or would it be better having him unhappy but in your life?

Take a deep breath and try to step outside the "I Want" zone and look at it objectively.

Then I'd get totally drunk and sleep with his brother or best friend and mail him pictures with a detailed explanation of how lousy he was in the sack compared to them.  But I'm kinda petty that way.

I really did mean everything but the last part though.

Have a Tiger Hug!


They make everything better.

[debk]

First....I'd like to mention....there are some very caring men here and that's a really neat thing to see. <<<hugs>>>

You need to organize your thoughts:

1. Do you have an open/honest relationship without games?  I suspect not, with that "space" stuff -- but I could be wrong.
2. What values do you share?  Are they lasting values or simply shared likes?
3. Where do you want the relationship to go?  Let it wander its own way at your age is not a good idea.
4. How do you want 3. to happen? Where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year?  5 years?

I would start there.  Put your heart in a lock box and  determine what will make you happiest IN THE LONG RUN.

Even if it hurts in the short run.

you make some valid points.  the whole space thing bothered me...not wondering for three weeks whether I was dead or alive? what was going on? 
this whole spark thing? do I wait around for it to come back? what if it never does? am I somebody to hang around with until he finds the "spark" with someone else?
oh this just plain sucks
going back to plan B....bar..drunken pick ups...

MA.....seeing you write that you might be just a stop gap until he finds someone to have a "spark" with....I find terribly sad that you think so little of yourself.

You are not just a pause in some guy's life until he finds a "spark"! If you are....he's not worthy of YOU. Let him find a "spark" on his own time....not yours.

This is where your head has to rule your heart. Even if you have years together....you must figure out if what you have has the potential to be a lifetime. Not what your heart thinks...what your head thinks.

If your head can't see a "forever and ever and always".....then you are only setting your heart up for pain.

Your heart can handle temporary pain.....but you can't spend your life wondering if you are sparky enough....cause there's more to life than just sparks. Those speed bumps can be killers and you have to know that you can stick together getting over those speed bumps, especially when those bumps turn into mountains. Believe me when I say that those sparks aren't going to be what get you over the mountain.

Like Mrs Smith said.....listen to your "little voice"....and pray about it.  That little voice can get pretty loud, and God will be there too. You just have to listen......

Big <<<<HUGS>>>>

[BEG]

I wouldn't want a guy back that said he didn't feel that "spark" and that he didn't want to "force it".  Move on, you deserve so much more.

[morningAngel]

You guys/gals  are so sweet to me 
I left for a bit and did a drive by grocerying...son of a staff member has blended family with four kids and two adults, having a rough time of it lately financially as we all know how that goes, I knew they were at soccer practice as the mom coaches, so I decided to quit feeling sorry for myself and work a little on my Karma..so emptied out the freezer and pantry and took over four bags of groceries...I explained the the little bug how they were doing us such a big favor because now we had more room in our house for stuff! 
Sorta gives me a chance to quit with the self pity and realize how good I really do have it!

[RightCoast]

Sorry I'm lat to the party: Walk away.



My wife's aunt was with her guy for over 15 years, married for 13 of them and he "didn't think it was working anymore" a few months after their son's first birthday.  Everybody told her to "hang in there," "it'll be OK," "you'll work it out." He kept giving her tiny little signs that things would indeed work out - all well dating a teenager.

Now he's gone and gotten a lawyer and so has she. 

She should have walked away months ago - which BTW was my advise to her from the start.

Walk away.  You'll always be better for it.

Stay it may work out, it may not; but you'll always have doubt.

[Chris_]

Then I'd get totally drunk and sleep with his brother or best friend and mail him pictures with a detailed explanation of how lousy he was in the sack compared to them.  But I'm kinda petty that way. ;)
 

That was YOU?  My brother would never say...

[DarkHalo]

Hon what you need to do is set your heart aside and take a look at the "Big Picture".

Is the guy ever going to be right as a father for Little Bug or the type of person you see yourself being happy with in 5 years?  Are you really right for HIM or would it be better having him unhappy but in your life?

Take a deep breath and try to step outside the "I Want" zone and look at it objectively.

Then I'd get totally drunk and sleep with his brother or best friend and mail him pictures with a detailed explanation of how lousy he was in the sack compared to them.  But I'm kinda petty that way.

I really did mean everything but the last part though.

Have a Tiger Hug!


They make everything better.

That last part just made me laugh. 

As for the first part my advice is just don't 'settle' when you deserve better. People get scared and settle for someone when they really do deserve better. That was the story of my marriage. I wont make that mistake again. Do I get laid less than many guys? Yeah, prolly. But Ive learned to go for quality rather than quantity. And in the long term that always pays off.

Like ASDF said, think 'Big Picture'.