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WASHINGTON - In response to derisive comments by Russian Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin, the 0bama Administration has prepared aDeclaration of Racism against Russia. President 0bama will confer with his Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Cabinet, and will later appeal to Congressional leaders to declare that a state of racism exists between the United States and Russia. Deputy Prime Minister Rogozin ridiculed sanctions placed on certain high-ranking Russian, Crimean, and Ukranian officials by the United States, calling President 0bama a "...prankster." Prominent American leftists, bloggers, and other assorted moonbat assholes immediately voiced their outrage, calling for the 0bama Administration to respond quickly and decisively against Russia. Others did not wait for the administration to act, instead issuing particularly bitter, sarcastic remarks at the Russian regime. "Oh," said Jessica Greenstein-Rabinovitch, a 23-year-old Brooklyn social activist and blogger, "if it isn't Racist-sky McCokespoon running off at the white supremacist mouth again!" In Silver Lake, an eccentric Los Angeles suburb, 28-year-old Ian Frankel declared that he would shave half of his beard off in solidarity with Ukranians, but would grow the other half even longer to protest "dissing the 0-bammer." In universities across the United States, faculty meetings in Departments of English, History, Queer Studies, African Studies, and Queer African Studies called hasty meetings and joined conference calls with White House handlers. 0bama advisor Valerie Jarrett was said to be enraged by Rogozon's words, in part because she was called away from shopping for handbags online and gossiping with Oprah Winfrey. "Mutha****ah gonna pay," Jarrett was heard to say. Candlelight vigils will be held at over 100 American universities, with candles lit by bonfires of Russian novels. "Dostoyevsky? Mutha****ah gonna be Dostoy-BURNED-sky," Jarrett declared. A State of Racism has never been declared by the United States. In legislation passed by Presidential fiat in January 2009, A State of Racism was said to require a higher level of resources and commitment than does a State of War. In a statement issued by the White House, while a State of War involves focused military operations to achieve geopolitical ends, a State of Racism "involves the concerted efforts of certain political assets deployed toward the end of salving President 0bama's feelings and ego," and may include, but is not limited to, a lump sum payment of $1 billion in small, unmarked bills to the 0bama family as recompense. When pressed for details, unnamed White House sources added that the resources to be deployed against Russia in a State of Racism would include, but would not be limited to, Jay-Z, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, George Clooney, Harry Belafonte, Cher, Barbra Streisand, and, as indicated by the source, "some younger ***** for 0bama to mack on." 0bama is said to be sequestered in the Oval Office, weighing his options in conference with Scarlet Johansson and Jamie Foxx. One of the more provocative options available to the President is to deploy Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert against the Russians in a formidable combination of snark and irony; the comedians would be supported by the arched eyebrows of Rachel Maddow and the debilitating tag-team faggery of Chris Hayes and Ronan Farrow. "There are two things you don't do," Hayes sneered when reached for comment, "pull out of me early, and insult President Dr. Rev. Honorable Barack Hussein 0bama, Phd, Esq, EdD, MD, FACS, ASCAP, SCMPTE." Unnamed White House sources also indicated that 0bama lickspittle and Sylvester the Cat impersonator Ed Schultz might be wedged in the Black Sea to block Russian naval forces. "Hey," bleated the spit-spraying Schultz, "whatever helpssttttthhhhh my President!"Editor's notes: When asked for the meaning of "McCokespoon" in connection to Russia, Greenstein-Rabinovitch glared and walked into a local organic food collective. When asked for proof that 0bama had earned the lengthy honorifics applied by Hayes, he called this author a racist and a "cisgender."
...When pressed for details, unnamed White House sources added that the resources to be deployed against Russia in a State of Racism would include, but would not be limited to, Jay-Z, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, George Clooney, Harry Belafonte, Cher, Barbra Streisand, and, as indicated by the source, "some younger ***** for 0bama to mack on."
