locust primitive trying to date, it's working out horribly for him

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1018401110

Oh my.

Okay, everybody knows what's really going on; whenever a primitive mentions a friend or relative's having a certain "issue," the primitive's really talking about himself.

Locut0s (2,408 posts)    Fri May 31, 2013, 11:54 PM

Friend of mine trying to date, working out horribly for him. Won't address other issues.

So I have a friend who has really bad BDD, Body Dismorphic Disorder. For those who don't know this is an emotional condition in which one perceives their own body image incorrectly. In this case his main problem is with his face. He claims to see thousands of awful problems with his face, lines, scars, zits, pimples, spider veins etc... The guy couldn't have a smoother face and is actually quite handsome. Despite this he keeps a notebook of all his facial problems and even keeps track of the number of hairs he looses and the like. I keep trying to convince him that he needs to get help but he refuses to accept that he has an emotional problem and insists he's just ugly or cursed.
 
Anyway he's the same age as me, 31, and like me lives at home with his parents still. I feel I at least have insight into my own emotional problems and feel that I must fix them. To him his issues are all external. My personal feeling is that his family environment is toxic to him and is a large part of the problem. His mother is odd and his whole family dynamic is very strange. He even told me of some violent incidents involving him and his sister or other family members involving a knife in which he got a minor criminal record, he didn't hurt anyone, but apparently things got out of hand somehow. Anyway he brushes things like that off as if they were nothing. To me they scream of family issues, but I digress.
 
One of the big things right now is that he wants to get a GF, have a relationship, have sex etc.. But IMO he's no where near in the right place to be dating. He's gone on quite a few online dates but always gets rejected. This is of course hurting his feelings and to him it's just a confirmation that he's ugly. Again I keep telling him it's not about his looks but about his behaviour and other issues that he needs to get help for. I'm obviously not on these dates with him so maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion but I don't think he even knows how to act properly. He tells me about horrible gaffs like talking about his other dates while on a date, comparing the girl to others in front of them, etc etc...

He even says he needs to try to get a little intimate with these girls otherwise the dates won't go anywhere. But you don't just start touching people on a date, it has to happen naturally or else people are going to freak out. That's the main thing, I don't think he knows how to be natural about any of this. To him it's a list of scripted events that he has to work out. I keep telling him that he has to make FRIENDS with a girl, it's not about some robotic list of events you have to perform. You have to share common interests and you genuinely have to be interested in each other. But he always has some overly analytical excuse for me.

I honestly worry that if he doesn't address these emotional issue or at least comes to the conclusion that they are emotional issues, that something will happen to him. He's talked about suicide but I don't think he will do that. I guess I worry more he will end up hurting someone or himself, even if it's not suicide.
 
I don't know what to say to him. I try to be supportive but my emphasis is that he needs to get help. I can understand some of his issues, but I have difficulty understanding how he can have zero insight into these issues, the guy is pretty smart about everything else.

Locut0s (2,408 posts)   Sat Jun 1, 2013, 12:10 AM

1. And no this isn't myself

 

Locut0s (2,408 posts)    Sat Jun 15, 2013, 09:02 PM

9. Yeah he just laughs at the idea, either one...

I tried. Those area's are just no go zones for him. Or he comes up with what seem to him to be some hyper rational reasons why attending such events would do no good. He's still trying to date online and keeps contacting me about his failures and how they reflect badly on him, and I keep telling him he needs to get help for these other issues.

His robotic way of going about these things and the way he talks about others is somewhat disturbing to me. He doesn't seem to notice it but even someone like me with 0 experience knows that you don't talk about dates in terms of "needing to get intimate" or "introduce physical touching", or "I'm looking for a fertile woman" etc... These are robotic and unusual ways to look at things.

And most certainly I wouldn't bring up some of the things he does on dates such as his other issues, living with his parents and the like. And he wonders why he gets few if any replies. He also looks at it all as an ends to a means. He will deny it and say that he is looking for a two way relationship but truthfully I'm not convinced he knows what that means. All he talks about are benefits and solutions for himself. He doesn't talk about getting a GF or wife as something joyful or happy, more like it's a chore that needs to be done to fill a hole in himself.

He talks about the physical attributes of girls and never the emotional aspects. He laments how others can get hot girls and he can't. He gets mad that other "uglier guys" have hotter girls. He even said he get's jealous when meeting a girl at the mall at the other hot couples walking around. And yet his whole problem is that he thinks of himself as very ugly. If I didn't know better I'd say he's schizophrenic, unable to understand how human emotions work. But when I meet him in person or talk over the phone and the topic is about movies, or games and the like I don't see this side.

Again I think his family up bringing has a lot to do with his issues, but this is another one of those no go zones, he just brushes it off and changes the topic. If he wasn't trying to contact me on a daily basis I wouldn't be as concerned about it as I am.

[Bad Dog]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1018401110

Oh my.

Okay, everybody knows what's really going on; whenever a primitive mentions a friend or relative's having a certain "issue," the primitive's really talking about himself.

 

I'm sure you're right but I'm not sure he realizes his friend isn't real.  The more I read from this looser, the more I think a big handful of pills might be the best answer.

[Ralph Wiggum]

Oh my...

I can't even get any spell check to fix that fake disorder.

[dandi]

Why the hell would anyone go to Moonbat Central for dating advice?

Between the DU womyn turning in a treatise on The Rape-Driven Power Of Patriarchal Western Dominance, the gay contingent providing a list of popular bath houses, the Momma's basement losers drawing from nothing more than the comments section of free porn sites, and all the rest of the babbling neurotics waxing long and eloquent on their own social isolation, you might as well go to a vegan meeting to ask how to make a Beef Wellington.

 

[BattleHymn]

I guess the trip to Hawaii turned out bad for the virgin primitive, huh?

[98ZJUSMC]

My personal feeling is that his family environment is toxic to him and is a large part of the problem. His mother is odd and his whole family dynamic is very strange.

Yet, they foot the bill/let you tag along for your Hawaiian Vacation/Paradise dating attempts, right?

I think this is one gigantic, multi-episode bouncy.

Locut0s (2,408 posts)   Sat Jun 1, 2013, 12:10 AM

1. And no this isn't myself

You....just had to throw that in there, eh?

I guess the trip to Hawaii turned out bad for the virgin primitive, huh?

Sure seemed like a quick  trip for  Hawaii.   

[BlueStateSaint]

I'm sure you're right but I'm not sure he realizes his friend isn't real.  The more I read from this looser, the more I think a big handful of pills might be the best answer.

One of these might do the trick.  Take at 900 fps.

[Freeper]

Anyway he's the same age as me, 31, and like me lives at home with his parents still. I feel I at least have insight into my own emotional problems and feel that I must fix them.

So you and your "friend" are emotional wrecks who never left mommy and daddy's house and you wonder why you can't find a date.

How about doing the work to deal with your issues, get a freaking job, move out of your parent's basement, and learn to take care of yourself before you try finding a woman. Women tend to want an equal partner, not some DUmbass who they will have to take care of like a child.