Dennis the Menace wants to pick up girls

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/11146057

Oh my.

Denninmi (5,216 posts)    Thu Jan 3, 2013, 11:04 AM

So, why are all of the women I meet out of my league? And usually unavailable.

Probably because, if I were playing for an NCAA team, it would be about a "Class F" school.
 
I think I need more self-confidence in this area of my life, too.

I would like to at least make an effort, it's been a long dry spell, if you know what I mean. Really long.

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Macoy51 This message was hidden by Jury decision.

ProudToBeBlueInRhody (9,691 posts)    Thu Jan 3, 2013, 11:13 AM

2. Dude, I suggest you self delete, now

This is not gonna end well

Denninmi (5,216 posts)   Thu Jan 3, 2013, 11:17 AM

4. Yeah, you are SO going to get an alert on this one.

<<<wonders what the real McCoy primitive said to Dennis the Menace.
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ProudToBeBlueInRhody (9,691 posts)    Thu Jan 3, 2013, 11:14 AM

3. The first thing you need to do is drop that attitude

That's a start.

lumberjack_jeff (23,422 posts)    Thu Jan 3, 2013, 11:22 AM

6. Volunteer, and forget the gym as a place for meeting women.

No one I know ever dated anyone they met at the gym.

Bars? I dunno. Not my cup of tea, I guess.

My recommendation is volunteering for social service organizations like United Way or something else you believe in - at least you're around like-minded people.
 
edited to add: the gym is a worthwhile place because you're there to focus on you.

AnotherMcIntosh (5,516 posts)    Thu Jan 3, 2013, 11:43 AM

7. You're probably too honest.

What common thing or common things do these out-of-your-league women value? Is it money? Is it the potential for being next to someone who has confidence and power because of money?
 
You need to figure out how to be subtle and let these women convince themselves that you have what they value. If money is what they value (and most women do), then playing the game can be as simple as having a few nearby props such as an investment magazine casually left on the back seat of your car. You decide what will work for you. Get in the game if you want to score.

seabeyond (82,211 posts)    Thu Jan 3, 2013, 12:31 PM

8. wish you the best.

bummed by some replies. feel ok by others. i have been reading your posts and know your struggles you have shared. depends if you are talking one nighters (luck) or more. if more, we are older now, dont do the games like some suggest. do not believe all or even most women are about money. just not true. how you go into this, is what you will get out of it.
 
lots of lonely of both genders out there looking for different reasons.

but... i like your progression the last handful of months. be confident and have fun.

Denninmi (5,217 posts)    Thu Jan 3, 2013, 01:01 PM

9. Well, a serious relationship would be nice.

I was never a one night stand kind of guy.

I could pontificate on how my attitude on that issue has evolved, but wouldn't want to get my first-ever DU alert by offending prying non-male eyes.
 
I could be open to it. Any port in a storm.

Edited to say, thanks, I appreciate the support of everyone here, it has made a difference in how I feel about myself.
 
And that is actually the real battle, the only battle. Once I got past the initial presenting problems, depression, anxiety, and severe frequent panic attack, it all became about attitude. No one in "real life" except my mother, who broke me down with tearful questions but has been very supportive, even knows about this - well, my employer and coworker knew there were problems, but were respectful enough not to push for details, even when I essentially took the entire month of Sept off as a medical leave.
 
My MH issue is pretty unapparent to the outside world, I pop 3 pills of the mood stabilizer lamictal daily, usually in my car or office. And, I act a little strange, not in any bad way, just doing new things that are so out of character for how I used to be prior to this, like becoming a gym rat at 47 , when I was the awkward, bookish, non-athletic nerd 30 years ago in HS. Grew a beard, lost weight, bought a bike and rode well over a thousand miles, joined the gym, hired a couple of trainers to work with me, upgraded my look and wardrobe a la 'Dancing In The Dark' ("I want to change my clothes, my hair, my face" - vintage Springsteen), spend a lot more time away from home on outside activities. Other than those few minor things, ok, they're major things, no one knows anything. I do all the things I always did, go to work, laundry, housework, walk the dog, etc.

Warren DeMontague (42,967 posts)    Thu Jan 3, 2013, 03:21 PM

11. I think socialization in general once you get into your 40s gets more challenging.

People insulate, settle down, their boundaries get more defined, etc.

I did alright in my 20s, either single or in a series of relationships, but even then I found the whole 'meet-n-mate' dance a pain. I think some of it is, if you're relatively self-aware it's hard not to be self-conscious and as such overthink things, which can make it weird.
 
I wouldn't want to try to do it again, at my age. I guess the only thing I would add is, I think it's tough for everyone, women too. So don't be too hard on yourself. I wish you luck.

loli phabay (2,334 posts)    Sat Jan 5, 2013, 11:09 AM

12. use the internet plus you may be trying to play in the wrong leaugue.

The perfect partner for you may not be perfect but rather perfect for you. Everyone always believes they are a leaugue when in reality they are c or d leaugue. Good luck.

Dash87 (959 posts)    Sun Jan 6, 2013, 12:17 PM

13. Most women will not approach you and ask you for a date.

I think that's most mens' problems with finding a date. If you see someone you like, just ask them out. What's the worst that can happen?
 
Don't listen to the "act rich" or "act like an asshole" people. Just be yourself, and ask many people out - one is bound to say yes.
 
I object to the term "leagues." I always found that whole concept pretty stupid - I don't believe there is such a thing - just people with different interests. I also noticed that you're insulting yourself in your OP - maybe that's part of the problem? It's like climbing - don't look down - just go for it. Don't pretend to be something you're not, and have a positive attitude.
 
Also, have you tried the internet? I have a few friends that have had good results from it.

Springslips (154 posts)    Mon Jan 14, 2013, 08:28 PM

14. Join groups. Meet ups.

Just to socialize more--not to date. This will help you feel better about yourself. Find stuff you like. Learn to do things that woman, many woman, will like. Most people do the same old thing dinner and a movie. You would be amazed at what ice skating and a run through the mall will do. Be adventurous, this can be as simple as trying new things. Don't just go after anyone; know the type that you like and find out if you are their type. Woman are not from a mold, they vary as much as anybody else. Remember the best relationships are two that actually like to be around each other in an equal relationship, have similar ideas of spirituality, money, openness and are at a similar intellectual level. Don't sweat failure and don't be outcome dependent. That's about all I can say. Try online dating, it is not the best, but you can find a few dates there.

<<<wonders if Dennis the Menace should hook up on the internet with the subway cat or go to a primitive meet-up with the LynneSin primitive.

klook (4,245 posts)   Fri Jan 25, 2013, 04:45 PM

15. Don't think about "Leagues" at all.

Sorry, coming late to this thread, but this is crucial.

I suggest you get a copy of The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. Fromm was a profound influence on me and my thinking about relationships. He writes about different kinds of love, not just erotic/romantic love.
 
This passage from the foreword is a good indication of Fromm's thinking:

This book...wants to show that love is not a sentiment which can be easily indulged in by anyone, regardless of the level of maturity reached by him. It wants to convince the reader that all his attempts for love are bound to fail, unless he tries most actively to develop his total personality, so as to achieve a productive orientation; that satisfaction in individual love cannot be attained without the capacity to love one's neighbor, without true humility, courage, faith, and discipline. In a culture in which these qualities are rare, the attainment of the capabity to love must remain a rare achievement. Or--anyone can ask himself how many truly loving persons he has known.
 
Fromm writes from a broad perspective: Although his training was in psychiatry and psychology, he draws on Taoism, Indian philosophy, Western philosophy, and other sources for inspiration. (There is some material about love of God, too, but it's not heavy-handed.)
 
To me, some of Fromm's most enlightening ideas come in the section of the book called "Love's Disintegration in Western Society." He writes that in western capitalist societies, all things -- including individuals -- become commodities. When we conform to this system in every aspect of our lives (which most of us do without even realizing it), we "market" ourselves to potential partners and start thinking of ourselves (and partners) as products with a value on the love market. Witness the proliferation of references to women as "10s" or "6s," etc., and to men as "alphas," "betas," "Mr. Right," and so on. Even beyond "hotness" scales or class distinctions, there's the sense that we're each in some "League" or other and women are either "out of our league," available to us, or beneath us.
 
"Automatons cannot love," writes Fromm. "They can exchange their 'personality packages' and hope for a fair bargain." He describes and refutes several variations of pathological "love" -- neurotic love, sentimental love, the "egotism a deux of a "two-against the world" kind of love, etc.
 
Don't despair, though! Despite all this talk about what is wrong with predominant Western models of love, Fromm offers this:
 
Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other from the center of their existence, hence if each one of them experiences himself from the center of his existence. Only in this 'central experience' is human reality, only here is aliveness, only here is the basis for love. Love, experienced thus, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place, but a moving, growing, working together; even whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two people experience themselves from the essence of their existence, that they are one with each other by being one with themselves, rather than by fleeing from themselves. There is only one proof for the presence of love: the depth of the relationship, and the aliveness and strength in each person concerned; this is the fruit by which love is recognized.
 
The essential message of this book -- and I think it's a wise one -- is that we must first love ourselves (self-affirmation, not narcissism), and that, paradoxically, our strength as individuals and independence make it possible for us to truly love another.
 
One last quote for you from this great book:

In contrast to symbiotic union, mature love is union under the condition of preserving one's integrity, one's individuality. Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.
 
Best of luck to you, Denninmi -- don't put yourself down. Just be the best person you can and socialize a bit, and you'll meet somebody you can have a good relationship with. It happened to me.

I dunno.  Maybe appearances do count.

I was in the big city on Thursday, and a good-looking woman, but a stranger to me, commented something complimentary about an anatomical feature of mine, and s-o-o-o-o loudly too; many heard it.

The problem was, I was with the femme at the time.

[jukin]

A sincere thank you from Jukin for such a poignant validation of your stereotype.

"They don't call them stereotypes for nothing"
A reasonable Man

[Mr Mannn]

Honesty is always the best policy, Denninmi. Tell her you are a mental patient right off the top. Its also good to let her know about your fear of parking garages and water. Oh, she needs to know all about how you could suicide at any moment and it will be her fault.

Tell her your name at DU so she can read your posts and think about you when you are not there.
Chicks like that.

Ask her what psychotic drugs she takes and tell her all about yours. Common ground is important.

also let her know she is safe with you because you're not allowed to own a gun. Then show her your collection of knives.

Listen to Mr Mannn, and you will have a girl in no time!

[Freeper]

Macoy51 This message was hidden by Jury decision. Hide
1. Go Ugly, Early

To break your dry spell, I suggest you go ugly early. Don�t wait until closing time to start talking to the fat, ugly ones. Basicly, if you are trying to date out of your league, and striking out, then try to date below your league. Once you build up your confidence, then start working your way up the food chain until you reach �your� spot.

/and take the red pill



Macoy
A Jury voted 6-0 to hide this post on Thu Jan 3, 2013, 11:24 AM. Reason: This post is disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate. (See Community Standards.)

[GOBUCKS]

Well DUmmy Dennis, when you're a weird, professionally diagnosed lunatic, everyone of both sexes is out of your league.

Your best shot at a meaningful relationship is to hang around the men's room at an interstate highway rest stop.

You can't even nail a hooker, because they don't take credit cards.

DUmmy Macoynumbers was on the right track, but he didn't realize you can't pay cash.

[I_B_Perky]

I'm gonna help you out Dennis the Menace... for the simple reason that insane nuts like you need lovin too!!!

Here is what you do boy:

1. Find the closest female prison.
2. Find out the inmates names
3. Send them letters.

Most of them will get out sooner or later and then you got a ready made girlfriend, what with the government requiring them to have a place to live and all to make parole. Make sure they are on parole for at least 5 or 10 years and make sure their crime was they killed their boyfriends or husbands that cheated on them. Studies show that these women won't kill again so you are safe!!!

You are welcome.