primitive has drug-addled abusive husband

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1235131

Oh my.

Holly_Hobby (2,049 posts)

Abusive husband

I wish I didn't have to ask for help, but I don't know where to turn.

I've been married for 27 years. My husband had drug and alcohol problems earlier, but slowed way down over the years. He seldom has anything to drink, but smokes a lot of medical marijuana, which is illegal here.

He was forced to retire early because of an orthopedic problem. He refuses to have a joint replacement because he's scared. So he goes to a rheumatologist who gives him opiates. The doctor asked my husband about prior drug and alcohol abuse, and he did admit to it, but the doctor prescribed it anyway.

My husband has become extremely mean and abusive in the 6 weeks since he started the drug. This morning, he shoved me off the bed because he was frustrated about something or other, I don't even know what about. I'm 56 with my own health issues and landing on the floor is dangerous for someone my age.

I told him that I will not tolerate abuse and would leave if he didn't settle down. He told me if I left, he would hunt me down and kill me.

Do I go to the police? Battered women's shelter?

My family is of no help whatsoever, mental illness, alcoholism, etc. His family is nothing but enablers.

Can someone point me in the right direction? Thanks so much.

I'd've left him twenty-seven years ago, but that's just me.

Arkansas Granny (13,145 posts)

1. First of all, get yourself to a safe place. If there is a women's shelter where you live, call them. You have to be safe before you can do anything about your husband's behavior. Don't try to reason with him while he is in this state of mind and don't wait until you get hurt before you take any action.

Second of all, contact your husband's doctor and inform him of the changes in your husband's behavior. It sounds like he is having a bad reaction to the drugs he is taking now.

I would only contact the police as a last resort. If you feel that he will harm you or hurt himself, by all means, call for help.

Lionessa (2,758 posts)

3. When he reports you missing, simply call the local officers and inform them you are safe and had to put distance between you and hubby till his doctor adjusts his meds because he was becoming violent. Do not them or anyone where you are though.

SheilaT (10,220 posts)

4. Absolutely leave.

If family is no help, do you have friends who will take you in at least temporarily? Yes, do seek out local battered women's shelter as a start.

Because he has already threatened you, you might want to consider getting a restraining order against him, although they often are not very useful. But you will at least have it on record then that he has threatened you.

As soon as is realistically possible, move as far away as you can and start a new life. It will be worth it.

The primitive should've left him once she was aware he had a drug habit in the past.

ProudToBeBlueInRhody (7,742 posts)

5. I agree with the others above

Your safety comes first. Get out of there, now!

But all of this only started when he was given the new meds? He wasn't threatening or abusive in any way, shape, or form prior to this?

You need to get to his doctor and inform him of this and if he refuses to talk to you, you need to contact a social service or family addiction group. The man is an addict and NEVER should have been given such powerful drugs.

MrsBrady (3,561 posts)

6. get any money available to you and take it with you...

even if you have to clean out the checking account...etc...

HelenaHandbasket (41 posts)

7. Went Through This Myself...You Will Survive...Be Strong

I had a similar situation and it just got worse and worse. It went from the occasional black eye or busted lip or bruise until I ended up with a crushed disk in my spine, a concussion, a blood clot in my head, a fractured jawbone and several of my back teeth loosened. I had to have all of those things taken care of medically!

Sometimes the police arrive too late or you can't get to a phone. Police also only come if they have what they deem a real reason to and they tell you that they can't enforce a restraining order unless the abuser actually does something or violates a court order. Any threats have to be proven. A restraining order is only a piece of paper and a verbal warning. A person who is drugged and violent and is usually irrational and illogical. Paper cannot stops fists or worse.

I went through the same thing...nobody in my family wanted to hear it. His family kept telling me to stay with him because despite everything he was a "good man". No, he wasn't. He was a closet-druggy and a manipulative monster. I hid it from friends and co-workers. It was horrible and I felt that I had no where to turn. I did go to the police but they only helped in an emergency. I worried that if I left him I'd not be able to take care of the kids alone. We had a house but it was in his name only. He had it long before I met him. I worked but didn't make a lot of money and most of that was going toward childcare.

I felt like a prisoner and it was all so unpredictable. I never knew from one minute to the next if he was going to snap or if he'd actually carry out his threats. I finally just decided that anything had to be better than what I was going through at home. I simply drove off one day in my car with the kids and left the area. I had no money...nothing. I didn't tell anybody I was leaving. I just drove and put major miles between us. I knew that I could not leave my state or may have faced kidnapping charges, but I drove all the way to the opposite end of the state! I called the United Way and they pointed me to a battered women's shelter where I remained until I could get on my feet.

I went to court and told the judge that my monstrous ex-husband (who showed up in court with two attorneys and an entourage) could be nowhere near the kids until I was positive he was off drugs. I didn't care what the courts said. The judge told me that the court order said that this abusive monster had visitation rights and was paying child support. My ex was a well-to-do, functional druggy who had the connections and the money to manipulate the system and people. I defied the judge and the court. My kids, my life. The judge told me that if I didn't comply with the court's visitation order that I'd face legal action. So now, not only was I fighting my ex-husband, but now I had to fight the court system.

It was horrible to go through, but I am glad I had the strength to leave. What would have happened if I didn't? I may not even be around to type this, but guess what? It was all years ago and I overcame it. I got myself together and raised my children alone just fine, brought myself and my kids a house, went back to college and made a decent living. I just went back for my master's degree now. My kids are now grown up just fine and gone out on their own and I am in a happy place with a wonderful and kind man in my life. Life is beautiful. It's like you have to go through the prickly thorns to get to the beautiful rose.

Eventually I reconnected with the man who abused me (only because my kids asked that we make amends). He is now an elderly man (he was much, much older than I when we married). He and I are not friends, but we can tolerate each other for the sake of our adult children. I let the past stay in the past and while I didn't forget, I forgave. If I didn't, he would have still had some kind of hold on me. I freed myself in every way possible. You can too. Be strong. You will get through this, but it will not be easy.

I don't know if the United Way still helps with this kind of stuff, but you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). Make sure you do this secretly without him knowing. Call from a payphone or a friend's house and not from your home phone or cell phone. Ask them what you should do and who can help and where you can go.

I know that it's hard to leave a man that you may still love because you probably remember when he was not all bad. You may even feel sorry for him because of what he's going through. More importantly, it's scary and overwhelming to step out into the world all alone. That's only natural. Only you can decide what is best for you, but getting hit and verbally abused is not a life anyone deserves or wants. There comes a time in life when you have to decide what's practical for you and when a person is beyond help or redemption even if you are deeply connected to them. That's up to you.

Be safe, be smart, be strong and I wish you all the best!

Nobody deserves to be abused! Nobody!!!!!!!!

Well, franksolich is no expert on marriage and marital relations.

Which is why it continues to amaze him, how someone will stick with an abusive spouse (male or female).

[Bad Dog]

Losers are attracted to losers. Simple as that.

[JohnnyReb]

I wonder what the DUmmie advice would be if it was a man being abused by a similar drug addicted crazy woman?

[franksolich]

I wonder what the DUmmie advice would be if it was a man being abused by a similar drug addicted crazy woman?

"Well, it's his fault."

I gave up a long time ago on trying to understand unequal relationships, where one partner has such a strong hold on the other partner.  Marriage--and other relationships--is supposed to be on a mutually-respectful basis, and if it isn't, to Hell with it, walk away.

[BEG]

Leave woman, go to a shelter if you must.

Sorry, I don't believe the doctor prescribed opiates knowing he has a drug and alcohol problem.  I think your husbad lied to the doctor.   Also, it's not medical marijuana if a doctor didn't prescribe it. Methinks you have a little enabler in you as well.

[Freeper]

I wonder what the DUmmie advice would be if it was a man being abused by a similar drug addicted crazy woman?

They would tell Stinky to stay withe Sparkley or whatever her name is.  

[I_B_Perky]

"Well, it's his fault."

I gave up a long time ago on trying to understand unequal relationships, where one partner has such a strong hold on the other partner.  Marriage--and other relationships--is supposed to be on a mutually-respectful basis, and if it isn't, to Hell with it, walk away.

Same here Frank.

[GOBUCKS]

She should get a gun and shoot him in the head.

The abuser would be dead, and another DUmp democrat would be in prison.

Win-win.

[Vagabond]

"Well, it's his fault."

I gave up a long time ago on trying to understand unequal relationships, where one partner has such a strong hold on the other partner.  Marriage--and other relationships--is supposed to be on a mutually-respectful basis, and if it isn't, to Hell with it, walk away.

There is always strong reasons.  There's kids, joint bank accounts, and all that time spent trying to build a life with that person.  The abuser also will seek to isolate the person, not letting them talk to family or have friends, they may even try to belittle their abused to the abused partner's family.  

If the abused walks away, they are very often bereft of financial resources.  What the DUmmies never mention is that statistically, there are at least as many abused men as there are women.

[jukin]

Losers are attracted to losers. Simple as that.

Sad but true. Then they complain about being losers attracted to losers.

[BEG]

There is always strong reasons.  There's kids, joint bank accounts, and all that time spent trying to build a life with that person.  The abuser also will seek to isolate the person, not letting them talk to family or have friends, they may even try to belittle their abused to the abused partner's family.  

If the abused walks away, they are very often bereft of financial resources.  What the DUmmies never mention is that statistically, there are at least as many abused men as there are women.

I agree that it's not as easy as "just leave" but what kind of advice does this person think she is going to get on a public message board besides "leave"?

I personally know of a man that was abused by his wife, you are right, it happens to men as well. This guy was not a push over wimp either.

[I_B_Perky]

There is always strong reasons.  There's kids, joint bank accounts, and all that time spent trying to build a life with that person.  The abuser also will seek to isolate the person, not letting them talk to family or have friends, they may even try to belittle their abused to the abused partner's family.  

I understand that. But I really think it goes deeper than that. Seems to me that this type of person, gender is unimportant, is more of a follower or maybe a dependent needy person or something. Ain't me, that's for sure. If she who is omnipotent ever hit me or tried the abuse routine, then she who is omnipotent would find her pretty little omnipotent ass in court.

[delilahmused]

She should get a gun and shoot him in the head.

The abuser would be dead, and another DUmp democrat would be in prison.

Win-win.

That was my first thought...why doesn't this woman have a gun. The thing about conservative men is they want their women armed and dangerous. A chick with a gun isn't anyone's victim.

Still, before I clicked on the thread I thought maybe Pam's husband was acting up again.

Cindie

[delilahmused]

There is always strong reasons.  There's kids, joint bank accounts, and all that time spent trying to build a life with that person.  The abuser also will seek to isolate the person, not letting them talk to family or have friends, they may even try to belittle their abused to the abused partner's family.  

If the abused walks away, they are very often bereft of financial resources.  What the DUmmies never mention is that statistically, there are at least as many abused men as there are women.

If she's abused, chances are her children are too, even if only through seeing violence in their own home. Girls that grow up watching their dad abuse their mom are more likely to pick an abusive husband. Boys that grow up watching their dad beat the crap out of their mother often grow up to beat their own wives and family. Frankly, I'd rather be flat broke in a shelter than in a house with escalating violence. A mother's first instinct should be to protect her children, even above her own life. Never in my life have I ever met a mother who didn't felt that way. Still, these women don't seem to feel as strongly about it as normal women for whatever reason. If they have kids that should be an even greater incentive to leave. The majority of women eventually leave their abusive relationships. The reason women give for staying? Because they love him. Go figure.

Cindie

[USA4ME]

Holly_Hobby

I've been married for 27 years.... I'm 56 ...My family is of no help whatsoever, mental illness, alcoholism, etc. His family is nothing but enablers.

Oh yeah, this is gonna turn out just swell.

.

[Vagabond]

If she's abused, chances are her children are too, even if only through seeing violence in their own home. Girls that grow up watching their dad abuse their mom are more likely to pick an abusive husband. Boys that grow up watching their dad beat the crap out of their mother often grow up to beat their own wives and family. Frankly, I'd rather be flat broke in a shelter than in a house with escalating violence. A mother's first instinct should be to protect her children, even above her own life. Never in my life have I ever met a mother who didn't felt that way. Still, these women don't seem to feel as strongly about it as normal women for whatever reason. If they have kids that should be an even greater incentive to leave. The majority of women eventually leave their abusive relationships. The reason women give for staying? Because they love him. Go figure.

Cindie

If she's abused, chances are her children are too, even if only through seeing violence in their own home. Girls that grow up watching their dad abuse their mom are more likely to pick an abusive husband. Boys that grow up watching their dad beat the crap out of their mother often grow up to beat their own wives and family. Frankly, I'd rather be flat broke in a shelter than in a house with escalating violence. A mother's first instinct should be to protect her children, even above her own life. Never in my life have I ever met a mother who didn't felt that way. Still, these women don't seem to feel as strongly about it as normal women for whatever reason. If they have kids that should be an even greater incentive to leave. The majority of women eventually leave their abusive relationships. The reason women give for staying? Because they love him. Go figure.

Cindie

I got a while faceful of that argument one time.   

While I was stationed in Arizona, a new soldier arived from training.  He seemed to be in constant trouble, another soldier and I decided it was time to have a talk with the him off duty and off line to to try to get him to do the right things before it was too late.  His wife greeted us at the door, then returned to the kitchen.  He entered the room and saw us, then walked into the kitchen and reprimanded her for allowing us in "his" house followed by then staarted physically striking her.  I jumped to my feet and yelled,  "STOP!"  He turned and told me that I couldn't tell him what to do, in so many words that I don't remember or care to publish.  I then told him that he was being given an order to stop attacking his wife.  He then made the mistake of attacking me.  We wrestled him to the floor and called the MPs.  About the time the MPs arrived and cuffed him she attacked us and the MPs for getting her man arrested.  The MPs promptly arrested her as well.

As it all came out, he had been abusing her for months.  She came from some family in Misissippi that barely had wood floors and she didn't want to go back, and she viewed him as her only way out regardless of the abuse.  He wound up being found guilty at a court martial of 1 count of aggravated battery, 2 counts of battery, and 1 count of failure to follow a lawful order, they put him away for long enough to convince her to leave him and then cashiered him out of the army. 

[jtyangel]

There is always strong reasons.  There's kids, joint bank accounts, and all that time spent trying to build a life with that person.  The abuser also will seek to isolate the person, not letting them talk to family or have friends, they may even try to belittle their abused to the abused partner's family.  

If the abused walks away, they are very often bereft of financial resources.  What the DUmmies never mention is that statistically, there are at least as many abused men as there are women.

I actually think my ex is with someone manipulative and isolating and controlling like mentioned here. And some references were thrown that make me question her stability and I've been on the receiving end of her harassment too. I just don't know why people do what they do...why do that when you couldn't put effort into keeping your own marriage with all those extenuating factors like kids and joint finances together? Enough can't be said for people who appear to be 'nice' actually being spineless and manipulators knowing the personality and finding their own match to walk all over in that spinelessness. That's part of what I think the dynamic is in those situations.

[jtyangel]

I agree that it's not as easy as "just leave" but what kind of advice does this person think she is going to get on a public message board besides "leave"?

I personally know of a man that was abused by his wife, you are right, it happens to men as well. This guy was not a push over wimp either.

Given what I said, I agree. Not all are. Even strong people can fear the outcome of leaving though. Even if they aren't spineless, they fear the repercussions. Fear is paralyzing, even for the strongest person if they allow it to run the show.