http://www.democraticunderground.com/123724Oh my.
From the loners' forum:
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
What is the purpose of this group?
I'm very curious.
Also, what does each person define as a loner? Is it someone who lives alone or is it someone who isolates their families further from society or is it even someone who just doesn't have much of a social life?
murielm99 (11,658 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
1. It is self-defined.
I have posted and read in this group in order to be supportive of loners. Being a loner is often a choice, and that is good. Some people are loners, though, because they are rejected.
I am taking a sabbatical from certain types of social situations, because I have been badly hurt. I have my husband, my grown children, and a few friends I see very seldom. I have a few acquaintances, too.
This is a healing and reevaluation time for me.
Come up with your own definition of a loner, and join if you feel like it. Be warned: you won't get many replies.
This group is populated by loners, and they don't always have much to say!
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
7. I understand about the healing time.
I was always very social when I was younger. The time I spend alone gives me more of an opportunity to look within and find out who I really am and what I really like.
Maybe I'll finally find out who I really am and not who everyone else thinks I am.
catchnrelease (371 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
2. Your choice as to what defines a loner. I consider it being an introvert. Being one myself, I define it as disliking large social situations where you have to make inane chit chat. Not shy, do sometimes enjoy being with a small group of friends, but being in big crowds of people you don't know and don't really care to know, can exhaust you mentally/emotionally until you get a chance to recharge by yourself. My favorite reference on being a loner is The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney really a fascinating book.
I think the purpose of the group is to just let other loners/introverts know that there is nothing wrong with you, you don't need to change or be more friendly, chatty, get out more, etc. I/we're just another kind of personality. I'm quite happy with myself, spending time by myself, doing what I want to do with my time vs wasting my time doing what some one else might think I should be doing. (Or maybe I'm just selfish, lol) Luckily, I'm married to an extrovert who gets to be the "front man". He gets to do all the phone conversations, answers the door, deals with people I don't want to deal with. I do have family, and many close friends that I can have fun with in small groups, so it's not as if I'm languishing away in misery, in a dark room somewhere.
That's my take on it.......
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
8. I don't know if I'm actually a loner.
There are times when I crave company.
The problem with craving company is that the company available tends to be company that I don't really want to keep. I'm just not the loud-bar-get-wasted-pick-up-male-coworkers-and-become-the-topic-of-work-gossip-on-Monday type of person. I'd rather go to a lecture, to a play, a cozy dinner party, the community band concert, etc.
I've become a loner due to the lack of company that I want to keep.
The empressof all (26,862 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
17. We are in similar circumstances
I know many in my family worry that I'm depressed or something must be wrong with me because I'm "not productive"...I'm lucky that at this point in life I no longer need to work. I can blissfully do what I want when I want within limited confines. (Other than not enough money...Why can't I win the lotto?)
I have a loving spouse and child and a few good friends who accept me as I am.
I have no need to run hither and yon to social events or involve myself in random activities just to demonstrate that I am alive.
I spent most of my adult life helping others in my profession...and I'm done. I just don't feel a need to get up and do it every day. Thank you very much....I'd rather read a book or watch a stupid tv show.
LWolf (34,110 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
3. All of the above.
"Loner" is self-defined.
I am a loner. I always have been, whether I lived alone or with others. I've been married twice, once for 10 years and once for 11 years, and have lived mostly alone for 11 years since my last divorce.
I prefer living alone. I like my privacy. I don't get lonely. I don't need to have people around. I rarely call anyone, including my closest family, and when they call me, it's hard for me to come out of my own head for any longer than 10 minutes or so.
I DO miss being married for all the wrong reasons. What I really need is, not a spouse, but a manager/housekeeper/butler/cook/valet/handyperson/secretary who would, while I was gone, do all the house work, yard work, laundry, barn chores, farm chores, repairs, mundane business phone calls, keep the fire going, etc., and leave a nice warm meal on the stove, but disappear as soon as I got home.
I have some friends that I like, and enjoy occasional social time with. I have a very small family that I adore, and would spend more time with if I worked less. Alone time has to come first, though. Without abundant time alone, I am stressed, depressed, and irritable. Time with people drains me.
I have no problem attending movies, going out to eat, attending parties, etc. alone.
If I had a secure income I didn't have to show up at work for, I'd like to have a square mile of my own property with my house right smack in the center, surrounded by miles of public land, miles and miles and miles away from any paved road or traffic. I could live there without going anywhere for months at a time in perfect peace.
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
4. I don't really have a version of "loner".
I do know that I've lost contact with most of my old friends/crowd and have found nothing that really "pulls" me towards most of my coworkers, PTO/PTA members, church group members, etc, that would want me to pursue any deep friendships beyond that of acquaintance. I have my child and that seems to be all I really need at this point in time. Do I enjoy going out? In small groups or one-on-one, yes I do enjoy it-but not on a regular basis. I'd prefer to be at home over going to a party. Fifteen years ago I would have had a much different answer. I've also noticed that when I do go out I prefer the events to be more staid, such as a lecture, a local band concert, a small town play, etc. I don't want to go into anything too noisy.
Nowadays I prefer quiet time, reading books, working on jigsaw puzzles, crafting, and other things. I like long walks with the dog instead of hanging out with a group of people. And if I had enough money I'd prefer to own a small acreage outside of town, where I could raise most of my own produce, maybe have a couple of goats for company, and learn how to become ever more self-sufficient.
Does that make me a loner? I don't know. Most of my coworkers think it makes me a bit crazy, since I don't like going to bars and partying all weekend.
LWolf (34,110 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
5. I think most loners would concur,
preferring small groups to large, quiet to boisterous. I DO live on small acreage out of town, although the hours spent working to pay the mortgage leave me pretty much too exhausted to do much with the acres. The quiet, and the privacy, though...priceless.
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
6. I'm not a big fan of neighbors
so country living would better suit me.
Maybe someday...
RKP5637 (16,866 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
12. Neighbors get kinda forced on one by default. One can't really go around a building interviewing all of the neighbors, a housing development, etc. before living someplace. I know exactly what you mean. I don't know if I'm a loner or not, but I hate having to force myself into social situations.
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
13. I live in an older neighborhood.
What was once an older, quiet, working class neighborhood has changed dramatically. The older neighbors have gone to live in homes or have passed away. Their children have sold the homes (huge two and three story homes) to people looking for a good deal. They in turn have converted them into apartments or kept them whole and are now renting them out to large groups of college students. The students are loud, they party all weekend, they race up and down the street (going so far as to racing their mopeds and scooters on the sidewalk, even if there are children playing), and they decorate with fast food wrappers and cases of beer.
I'm ready to move out to the country.
The country's not all it's cracked up to be, sweetheart.
You apparently haven't been reading franksolich.
People coming all the time; it's like Grand Central Station in the Sandhills of Nebraska.
RKP5637 (16,866 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
14. IMO it's become a very strange country, particularly over the past decade or so.
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
15. It really has.
And people are no longer welcoming like they once were. People are more suspicious of each other, which makes me further withdraw in general.
marginlized (241 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
16. I sort of had that house...
used to live on 5 acres for 22 years in a house I built with my own hands. Surrounded by trees. You couldn't see the road from the house or visa versa.
shanti (15,559 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
21. that would be heaven to me
iris27 (1,832 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
9. For me, it's serious introversion - being drained by crowds and restored by quiet time.
No matter the activity, I would rather do it with just my husband than with a larger group (even just another couple).
Beyond that, I have been taken advantage of a number of times by family and friends, which makes me reluctant let anyone too close.
Add a terminal inability to easily engage in small talk to all of the above, and presto - you have a loner.
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
10. I understand about being taken advantage of.
I've noticed I've become more withdrawn for that reason alone.
bemildred (59,361 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
11. A chance to talk with people who share how you feel about certain things.
It is entirely self-defined, being a loner is like being an extrovert, a pre-disposition, and you have it if you say so. It is not about whether you happen to live alone or not, though loners often do, and like it.
marginlized (241 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
18. I live alone by choice.
Been single for over 10 years. I’ve had two long term relationships - marriage was not an option - in the past, the longest being 18 years, so I feel like I’ve spent my ENTIRE LIFE in relationships. ... see how the two expand to fill … a little goes a long way, etc.
I’ve not been hurt. Had some great experiences. Incredibly lucky in some ways. But enough is … yeah enough.
All these comments about limiting your social exposure sound familiar. In addition, I find in loud bars that I can’t hear what people are saying. It’s hard to distinguish someone’s voice from the background noise. I’m not hard of hearing, it’s some sort of filtering thing. Again, a little goes a long way. I can go buy groceries and just that little interaction with the checkout clerk is enough for a day.
Its not that I wouldn’t like to have some people around, I guess I’m just really really picky about who I want to spend time with. Sorry. But these thoughts are only of a few. Never a crowd. I do have close friends.
Loner is me.
I think it runs in my family.
It runs in franksolich's family to be outgoing gregarious extroverts, and of course franksolich was naturally born that way; however, other circumstances dictate that franksolich be a shy withdrawn introvert.
Talk about an inner conflict, but that's the way it is; one takes life as one gets it.
shanti (15,559 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
22. runs in the family
i think it does too. dad was a loner, as are two of my sons. the two of my sons who are NOT are always on my case about being alone and it drives me nuts.
Speck Tater (8,193 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
19. For me being a loner is a choice because I have the option of not being one.
I get along great in groups. Whenever I end up being roped into going to a party or some other kind of gathering I have a great time. I share interesting conversations with a variety of people, and from feedback I've received via third parties, others at the party have also enjoyed my company.
That said, if there's graceful way to bow out of such an invitation, I'd rather stay home. Not because I want to sit in my dark house with the curtains drawn, brooding, but because I have some many other interesting things I'd really like to be doing.
Sure, doing small talk at the party would be fun, but it would be even more fun to engage in small talk with my Spanish tutor on Skype, or read some more in that exciting SciFi novel I'm wrapped up in, or solve a new math puzzle somebody just posted on my mathematical games forum, or go out and harvest some tomatoes from the garden, or dabble for a few hours with my water colors, or write another chapter in that novel I've been working on for 15 years... The list is endless. And all of those activities just happen to be more fun than trying to impress (please/attract/get attention from/get ego validation from) other people while they try their very best to impress (please/attract/get attention from/get ego validation from) me.
marginlized (241 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
24. I like those endless activities.
I've had way too many hobbies in the past. I wish I had a couple extra rooms in my house ...
... maybe I'll go build another one ...
As for the 'impress (please/attract/get attention from/get ego validation from)' activities, exactly.
shanti (15,559 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
20. definitely self defined
i define myself as a loner in that i live alone, but have family (4 grown sons, 2 siblings), but i have no partner or close friends (not even here on DU, which makes me sad as i've posted here for 9 years ). i'm retired as well, so even less opportunity to socialize. i really only go outside to grocery shop, doctor, or to the dentist. that probably sounds pathetic to most people, but i have my crafts, two cats and laptop and i'm pretty content most of the time. everyone has their moments, though... i'd consider another partner, but he'd have to be pretty similar to me, and that would be hard to find!
xmas74 (22,707 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
23. I have few around me.
I live in a familial-room mate type of situation. (Meaning-we're all related but we pay as room mates and live as such.) Even with that I'd rather spend my time alone or with my child, compared to everyone else around me. I have a sibling that I speak with once every few months on Facebook and it's usually over something silly. I leave the house for work, for church, for errands, a monthly craft night at the local library, and for my daughter's activities. Little else seems to interest me.
Maybe I really am a loner but never thought of myself as such until now.
nadine_mn (1,694 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
25. Can one be an extroverted loner?
I have one of those personalities - I can't explain it - I can be very friendly and social and people love to talk to me - I must look very approachable. I also enjoy talking to them (I rarely if ever initiate - that's the weird part). I have worked as a victim advocate, so clearly being comfortable talking with others is an asset.
Yet, I consider myself shy - when I say this my husband laughs. I have a very extroverted personality I guess - I love to make people laugh and entertain people. I have done a lot of public speaking - I love it. But there is sort of a wall that separates me from being close which is why its ok - victim/advocate boundaries, presenter/audience roles etc - does that make sense?
But I prefer to be alone (or with husband and our pets).
I rarely use the phone, I don't have any close friends (some acquaintances that I email), and rarely go out. I don't feel lonely, but I guess I can't really say I am introverted.
DevonRex (15,689 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
26. Yes. That's me.
I'm too approachable which is part of the reason I'm a loner.
marginlized (241 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore
28. Wow, public speaking ... I'm a Dale Cargegie dropout.
I've often thought of starting up a public speaking course that did all the wrong things. Instead of instilling the "proper" way of address, it would allow people to explore their fears, to name them, and express them. Instead of the ToastMaster's attempt at 'business normalcy', my group would inspire non-conforming crazy as a means of getting past anxiety.
Well, someone once told me I have a high tolerance for chaos, but there's no guarantee that others would survive.
Such a happy bunch of people, aren't they, the lonely primitives?
