An e-mail I got from a friend!

[Toastedturningtidelegs]

This just about killed me!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for


the wife. A guy who purchased his


lovely wife a pocket Taser for their


anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at


Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that


sparked my interest. The occasion was


our 15th anniversary and I was looking


for a little something extra for my wife,


Julie. What I came across was a


100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized


taser. The effects of the taser were


supposed to be short lived, with no long-


term adverse affect on your assailant,


allowing her adequate time to retreat to


safety. WAY TOO COOL!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!


I was disappointed. I learned, however,


that if I pushed the button AND


pressed it against a metal surface at


the same time; I'd get the blue arc of


electricity darting back and forth


between the prongs. AWESOME!!!





Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to


Julie what that burn spot is on the face


of her microwave.





Okay, so I was home alone with this


new toy, thinking to myself that it


couldn't be all that bad with only two


triple-A batteries, right?





There I sat in my recliner, my cat


Gracie looking on intently (trusting


little soul) while I was reading the


directions and thinking that I really


needed to try this thing out on a flesh


& blood moving target.





I must admit I thought about zapping


Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and


thought better of it. She is such a


sweet cat. But, if I was going to give


this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some


assurance that it would work as


advertised. Am I wrong?





So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a


tank top with my reading glasses


perched delicately on the bridge of my


nose, directions in one hand, and taser


in another.





The directions said that a one-second


burst would shock and disorient your


assailant; a two-second burst was


supposed to cause muscle spasms and a


major loss of bodily control; a three-


second burst would purportedly make


your assailant flop on the ground like a


fish out of water. Any burst longer


than three seconds would be wasting


the batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'





What happened next is almost beyond


description, but I'll do my best...?





I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking


on with her head cocked to one side as


to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning


that a one second burst from such a


tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all


that bad. I decided to give myself a one


second burst just for heck of it. I


touched the prongs to my naked thigh,


pushed the button, and . . . HOLY


MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF


MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE


HELL!!!





I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in


through the side door, picked me up in


the recliner, then body slammed us


both on the carpet, over and over and


over again. I vaguely recall waking up


on my side in the fetal position, with


tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,


both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere


to be found, with my left arm tucked


under my body in the oddest position,


and tingling in my legs!





The cat was making meowing sounds I


had never heard before, clinging to a


picture frame hanging above the


fireplace, obviously in an atempt to


avoid getting slammed by my body


flopping all over the living room.





Note: If you ever feel compelled to


'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of


caution: there is no such thing as a one


second burst when you zap yourself!





You will not let go of that thing until it


is dislodged from your hand by a


violent thrashing about on the floor. A


three second burst would be considered conservative.





SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE


HELL!!!





A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as


time was a relative thing at that point),


I collected my wits (what little I had


left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.


My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face


felt like it had been shot up with novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently, I shit myself,
but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw
a faint smoke cloud above my head which I


believe came from my hair. I'm still


looking for my nuts and I'm offering a


significant reward for their safe return!!





P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now


regularly threatens me with it!

[JohnnyReb]

I've read that several times before....and it's been funny every time.

[Lord Undies]

That's a new one to me.  Very funny stuff.

 

I hope the guy found his jewels. 

[BlueStateSaint]

That is pretty funny.  I'm glad I got my coffee after reading that.