My 8 year old daughter was forced to confront a bully - I am pissed off

[RobJohnson]

QueenOfCalifornia  (1000+ posts)      Fri May-29-09 04:15 PM
Original message
My 8 year old daughter was forced to confront a bully - I am pissed off
 This week my little girl came home from school and told me the following story:

While on the playground she witnessed an obvious and disturbing bullying incident. A little boy, her same age, was playing with her on the school playground- he is smaller than all the other kids his age. (He was born missing his right hand and has only 3 fingers on the other. He has a prosthetic leg since he is also missing one leg. This little kid is a testament to what being brave is all about. He never complains about his physical differences but instead does his best to do whatever all the other kids are doing. He has taught himself how to run in a very choppy "gallop" and has learned to ride a scooter - it is difficult since he is missing a hand and a leg but he comes over to play at my house and keeps up with his able bodied peers...) anyway, while out on the playground a kid who is twice his size began making fun of the boys missing hand and then began mocking his gallop... he taunted and teased until this poor kid was so humiliated that he sat down on the playground and hid his face in his knees.

When I heard the story I wrote an email to the school principal outlining the incident - I Cc'd the boys mother and my husband. The next morning I followed up with a phone call to make sure that this would not happen again... I was told that there is a zero tolerance policy for bullying and that the abusive boy would be "counseled and that his parents would be contacted" I insisted that this be done right away since the victim was embarrassed and afraid to go back to school. This child has had to endure a lot of nasty comments about his disabilities and I know for a fact that the wounds are deep.

Here is what they did:
They took my daughter along with the little victim and placed them in a room, they brought in the bully and had him sit across from my daughter and the victim. Then they made my little girl tell what she had witnessed. Then surprise, surprise, the kid denies all of it, said it was a lie and that it never happened. That was it. My daughter came home feeling like there is no justice. That simply by denying the event, the kid is not being punished and the victim sees that his and my daughters stories are flatly denied and without missing beat calls my child and the victim liars. Of course this kid has a reputation for being a monster and his parents always stand up for him claiming that he would never, ever do anything wrong. He has zero conscience and my kids feels victimized by him, the counselor and the school. She said she would never report another incident since she knows that she will be made to feel that her word is worthless and that she has no power to protect herself from the abuser.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5744392

Poor kid.

deaniac21 (1000+ posts)      Fri May-29-09 04:21 PM

4. Write a letter to the NEA!

 

HiFructosePronSyrup  (1000+ posts)      Fri May-29-09 04:45 PM
Response to Original message
26. Meh.
 One kid accuses another of bullying a third person.

Another accuses the other kid of lying about him.

Tell them to both cut it out.

Problem solved.

HiFructosePronSyrup  (1000+ posts)      Fri May-29-09 05:05 PM
Response to Reply #35
36. So things start getting done when you bully the school, eh?
 Little bit ironic.

Who's your bully?

HiFructosePronSyrup  (1000+ posts)      Fri May-29-09 05:20 PM
Response to Reply #38
41. "You think I am bullying the school for advocating for my child."
 You're advocating for your child? I thought you were advocating for the third child.

But anyhoo, for all you know your kid did make it up. From the school's perspective there's no telling what happened, so there's no reason to go after them.

You just called the kid a "monster" which is bullyish, and apparently talk about the kid behind his back.

You're supposed to be a grown up, not your kid's constant "advocate."

LWolf  (1000+ posts)        Fri May-29-09 08:49 PM
Response to Original message
86. You need to punish that evil school.
 They are obviously incompetent, insensitive morans, every last one of them, and you ought to declare war. Get a lawyer, speak at the next board meeting, and organize peaceful demonstrations outside the school building every morning and afternoon.

Call all the local tv stations; they'll be glad for more sensational drama to feed the public.

Maybe you can get a bunch of them fired; it's worth a try, anyway. Or, perhaps you can get a deposit to your daughter's college fund if you sue them for destroying her trust in the system.

In times like these, everybody needs a target, and it looks like this will serve for many. It's certainly doing so for those responding to your thread.

I'm sure that declaring war on the local school and serving up a menu of anger, demands, blame, and threat will whip them right into line. They'll probably waterboard the bully to make sure everyone gets their pound of flesh.

Besides, that will teach him not to bully, and his parents to do a better job. It will teach the school to remember that everything any student does is always their fault, and they will suddenly stop wasting public dollars drinking and playing cards in the staff lounge, and set up an on-site gitmo for students with poor social development.

That's the way it works, right?

Oh boy....

Generator  (1000+ posts)      Fri May-29-09 09:00 PM

87. Oh that was helpful
 I don't think the poster was saying ANY such thing. You just had to be an ass because it's what-fun? Because you hate whiny parents? Obviously you lack empathy and think the poster is crazy and overreacting for feeling what she feels-because damn it, why on a LIBERAL board-at least it was before Obama became president but ******* I do digress-caring about a handicapped kid was you known-important.

The story wasn't EVEN about the kid of the poster.Which reminds me why the internet is perfect for bullying. HALF of the shit on DU is nothing but bullying really, put downs, snide remarks, and all of it just to make the snide one feel superior. BASTA!  

LWolf  (1000+ posts)        Fri May-29-09 09:40 PM
Response to Reply #87
94. What?
 I was just getting in line with all of the other responses. Those are okay and mine is not?

No, it wasn't "fun." It's just another bash the school fest, and it complements this article, which was in my inbox when I got home from school today:

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20090615/goldstein

And this one, from 2 days ago, pointing out that the "stimulus" money is not to help keep schools operating, but to fund the next big privatization push:

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iQ72c...

42 teachers in my district lost their jobs last week. A mass of them got transferred, without warning, today. We took a pay cut to stay open this year, we're taking a heavier cut next year, along with increased hours, class size, and duties, and no prep.

Schools...not just mine, not just my district, not just my state, are in a state of crisis right now.

We're not only dealing with a budget implosion, along with the threat of maintaining AYP no matter how many days are cut out of the school year, how much support disappears, how many more students are crammed into our class loads, how many more extra duties we are saddled with next year; we're dealing with an energized force for further destructive policies and privatization in the form of merit pay and charter schools.

Of course, I'm sure it's all our fault. It's certainly all our fault that, without evidence beyond conflicting stories, that justice is not achieved.

We don't turn kids away because they are bullies. That's against the law. What we can legally do to "punish" a bully is extremely limited. What we can do to "change" a bully is, as well.

That doesn't mean that schools don't do anything. It's illegal and unethical for an administrator to give information about student discipline to someone other than the student's guardian. It's also not okay to give one parent information about conversations with any other parent.

It's true that I'm sick to death of armchair educators who are sure they know more about the ed code than the people who are directed by it.

I'm sick of the rush to judgment from those who wouldn't last a week in my classroom, from those I would't trust to manage any conflict erupting between my students.

One parent absolutely does not, and will not, have all the information about what was done "to" or "with" or "about" an offending student. It may look like nothing, because dealing with an individual student is not a public forum. Minors. Privacy. They go together.l

It's true that I don't think declaring war on the school, the admin, and the board is the way to change that bully's behavior, or to achieve justice for the victim. It's true that the plethora of responses calling for action against the school offends me.

It's Friday. I've spent the week consoling colleagues who've lost their jobs, collaborating with others trying to figure out how we're going to do the same job, or better, with fewer days, fewer resources, and many more students next year; consoling one student, celebrating with another, listening to several who need to be heard, tutoring a crowd at lunch, calling parents, meeting parents after school, and keeping the peace, and the focus and interest, going in the classroom when my students just want to be "done" for the summer.

On top of managing a family health crisis at home, which involved getting up every two hours all night long all week long.

And I managed to smile at my students when I dismissed them. I came home, logged on, and ran smack into another "war on schools" thread.

No, I wasn't focused on the victim. Of course I empathize; I spend all day, every working day, working with kids who have a wide variety of problems, issues, and needs. I also work with bullies. It's part of the job. Bullying isn't a school problem. It's a societal problem. When our culture doesn't glorify bullies, when put downs, when "winning" an argument, when finding and making "enemies" so there will be targets for attacks, for derision, name-calling, bashing, and chest-beating over is not longer a priority, when all those who oppose bullying start "being" the kind of person they want to see WHEN IT COUNTS, when faced with opposition, then the rampant bullying at school will diminish.

Perhaps the first place to start might be this thread.

Empathy doesn't require anyone to judge or place blame.

 
 
 


 


 

[Carl]

Maybe a bit jaded after reading so much of their idiocy but my first thought was that this was a sly bouncy trying to incite the mob to make this an illustration about how the Bush Administration is escaping "punishment for their crimes  " .

[BannedFromDU]

     This is why I hate DU.

     Suppose the story is true, to the letter. Then the mother, far from being a liberal super-hero, is devoid of empathy and wants nothing more than to ensure that a comeuppance is delivered to a "bully," in this case another little boy.  At the risk of bieng branded a liberal pinko, instances like this are not opportunities for adults to wave an indignant finger in a child's face. Instead, this is an opportunity for everyone to learn. The appropriate response, if all of this is true, is to isolate each of the children and explain to the victim that what happened was absolutely incorrect, and the other kid is being dealt with decisively. The bully needs to be given a polite but firm lesson in empathy(not sympathy, but empathy). The little girl just needs to have the situation explained in detail, so that she knows that adults understand what happened and are acting in kind.

Lurking DUmmies, read and nota bene: when a child is bullied, the first and most important job is for responsible adults to signal that they observed an injustice and are addressing that injustice with without emotion or partiality. A child in the care of adults, who relies on those adults for nurturing, only needs to know that their feelings and needs will be taken seriously. A child that acts like a bully is also in need of appropriate (i.e., nurturing) feedback: what you did is not acceptable behavior and will not be tolerated. Either you will treat others with respect, or you will not be allowed to be among them. Act appropriately, with respect for others, and we will move past this.

Of course, the point of this story is to draw the typical ire and indignation of a DUmmy, which would create the following result: an overly coddled victim, who will either learn to fear those around him or will expect all indignities to be resolved in his favor, and an overly punished bully, who suffers the humiliation of having some ****head liberal's finger in his face while they scream words like "Bushitler" and "Freeper."

Yes, I've seen bullying at elementary schools, and it almost never gets handled the right way.

[GOBUCKS]

This story is, of course, just another bouncy tale from the imagination of a hateful DUmmy. Then again, DUmmy greenbriar claimed to have been promoted to principal at her school. Of course, in the real world she wasn't, but if she were, she would probably screw up the school as badly as the imaginary one in this bouncy.

[Vagabond]

     This is why I hate DU.

     Suppose the story is true, to the letter. Then the mother, far from being a liberal super-hero, is devoid of empathy and wants nothing more than to ensure that a comeuppance is delivered to a "bully," in this case another little boy.  At the risk of bieng branded a liberal pinko, instances like this are not opportunities for adults to wave an indignant finger in a child's face. Instead, this is an opportunity for everyone to learn. The appropriate response, if all of this is true, is to isolate each of the children and explain to the victim that what happened was absolutely incorrect, and the other kid is being dealt with decisively. The bully needs to be given a polite but firm lesson in empathy(not sympathy, but empathy). The little girl just needs to have the situation explained in detail, so that she knows that adults understand what happened and are acting in kind.

Lurking DUmmies, read and nota bene: when a child is bullied, the first and most important job is for responsible adults to signal that they observed an injustice and are addressing that injustice with without emotion or partiality. A child in the care of adults, who relies on those adults for nurturing, only needs to know that their feelings and needs will be taken seriously. A child that acts like a bully is also in need of appropriate (i.e., nurturing) feedback: what you did is not acceptable behavior and will not be tolerated. Either you will treat others with respect, or you will not be allowed to be among them. Act appropriately, with respect for others, and we will move past this.

Of course, the point of this story is to draw the typical ire and indignation of a DUmmy, which would create the following result: an overly coddled victim, who will either learn to fear those around him or will expect all indignities to be resolved in his favor, and an overly punished bully, who suffers the humiliation of having some ****head liberal's finger in his face while they scream words like "Bushitler" and "Freeper."

Yes, I've seen bullying at elementary schools, and it almost never gets handled the right way.

I see something else missing as well.  I've known a couple of kids that had disabilities of one sort or another.  I've also seen them have friends around them that might make you look twice.  The other boys would be his friend because they knew if somebody messed with him, they could pound on the other kid without consequence.  That usually stops the bullying most effectively.

[RobJohnson]

this poor kid was so humiliated that he sat down on the playground and hid his face in his knees.


I thought the kid only had one leg?

[jtyangel]

I see something else missing as well.  I've known a couple of kids that had disabilities of one sort or another.  I've also seen them have friends around them that might make you look twice.  The other boys would be his friend because they knew if somebody messed with him, they could pound on the other kid without consequence.  That usually stops the bullying most effectively.

Anymore what I've seen in the schools is significant empathy for disabled children among other children. The teachers seem to take great strides  early in the year to explain(if the parents approve) the child's issues(particularly where communication is a problem). My son is autistic--one who is not verbal for the most part and we get normal children who come up to him in public all the time and say "Hi Ryan" even though he will very rarely respond because of his communication issues. They even go out of their way to say hello to him knowing they won't likely get a response. I've seen other instances where other students tend to rally behind a student with issues(remember the basketball kid?). It seems the tone has taken to being overly protective of disabled kids which can create it's own problems, but this would be particularly interesting this DU bouncy if it is happening. Of course the dynamics may be different for a child who can speak and has all his other facilties in that way and is seen as otherwise normal but different.

[SSG Snuggle Bunny]

This is why conservatives say that bullies--be they little boys or third world dictators--should be busted in the mouth and everyone else allowed to move on with their lives.

My son--and some other kids--were being bullied. I told him he first had to bring it to the teachers attention to allow the school a chance to exercise its proper authority, which he did. But the bully persisted.

I went to the principal and said my son has exercised the proper chain of authorities and those authorities could/would not respond adequately so if it continued my son had my permission to bust the little bastard in the mouth.

"But he'll get in trouble."

"Not with me he won't. You'll have a lot of paperwork, the kid will have a bloody lip but my son will have pizza for dinner."

The bully was quickly isolated after that. In a way I pity the schools because they know what the deal is but until they are threatened with the loss of control they don't exercise control because everybody is so litigation happy.

[AllosaursRus]

This is why conservatives say that bullies--be they little boys or third world dictators--should be busted in the mouth and everyone else allowed to move on with their lives.

My son--and some other kids--were being bullied. I told him he first had to bring it to the teachers attention to allow the school a chance to exercise its proper authority, which he did. But the bully persisted.

I went to the principal and said my son has exercised the proper chain of authorities and those authorities could/would not respond adequately so if it continued my son had my permission to bust the little bastard in the mouth.

"But he'll get in trouble."

"Not with me he won't. You'll have a lot of paperwork, the kid will have a bloody lip but my son will have pizza for dinner."

The bully was quickly isolated after that. In a way I pity the schools because they know what the deal is but until they are threatened with the loss of control they don't exercise control because everybody is so litigation happy.

Too bad we're talking DUmmies here, cause this is EXACTLY how this should have been handled. It has been my experience that disabled kids like this have strength that outweighs their peers. The body adapts for it's failings in other ways.  Perhaps if the parent of this unfortunate child encouraged him to exercise a little wup ass, this shit would stop!

[debk]

This is why conservatives say that bullies--be they little boys or third world dictators--should be busted in the mouth and everyone else allowed to move on with their lives.

My son--and some other kids--were being bullied. I told him he first had to bring it to the teachers attention to allow the school a chance to exercise its proper authority, which he did. But the bully persisted.

I went to the principal and said my son has exercised the proper chain of authorities and those authorities could/would not respond adequately so if it continued my son had my permission to bust the little bastard in the mouth.

"But he'll get in trouble."

"Not with me he won't. You'll have a lot of paperwork, the kid will have a bloody lip but my son will have pizza for dinner."

The bully was quickly isolated after that. In a way I pity the schools because they know what the deal is but until they are threatened with the loss of control they don't exercise control because everybody is so litigation happy.

You were smart to go to the principal before your son took action...thereby preventing your son from getting in trouble and the school take action after an incident.

Years ago when my son was in 8th grade (he's almost 28 now) he got mad at a "bully" for picking on a little girl that was handicapped. The bully was always making fun of her, and one day my child decided to fight him. Didn't wait until after school....did it mid-day in the boys' restroom.

My kid has always been slight, though he's now 6'1" at the time he was around 5' tall and really scrawny and had no clue how to fight. T landed the first and only punch. By the time, a teacher got there....T face was pretty bad ..the other kid was not hurt.

Of course..both kids parents were called in. The other kid was gone when I got there, the school secretary told me "he is conscious..( ) and to be prepared when I saw him". (We had emergency visits to the opthamologist to get a contact removed and the pediatrician for a concusion).

The principal told me he was sorry but because fighting was zero tolerance, both boys were suspended for 3 days. And that the bullying would be dealt with. I don't know what happened, but T never had another incident in school.

We didn't punish him...I figured getting the crap beat out of him was punishment enough and we did talk to him quite a bit about it, to think before he thought fighting was a good idea. (although M did tell him he should have waited until after school and off of school grounds.... ) Though I also respected the principal's position on fighting, I'm not sure what suspension really accomplishes. When I was a kid...they would have been "paddled" by the principal.

If my son has been in a fight since...he's never told me....but he still defends the "underdog"...at least with words.

[Lord Undies]

This is why conservatives say that bullies--be they little boys or third world dictators--should be busted in the mouth and everyone else allowed to move on with their lives.

My son--and some other kids--were being bullied. I told him he first had to bring it to the teachers attention to allow the school a chance to exercise its proper authority, which he did. But the bully persisted.

I went to the principal and said my son has exercised the proper chain of authorities and those authorities could/would not respond adequately so if it continued my son had my permission to bust the little bastard in the mouth.

"But he'll get in trouble."

"Not with me he won't. You'll have a lot of paperwork, the kid will have a bloody lip but my son will have pizza for dinner."

The bully was quickly isolated after that. In a way I pity the schools because they know what the deal is but until they are threatened with the loss of control they don't exercise control because everybody is so litigation happy.

Iz you my twin? 

[Lord Undies]

 When I was a kid...they would have been "paddled" by the principal.

So true.  My youngest son got "paddled" in elementary school (circa 1991-92).  He was bruised from the top of the back of his legs to his lower back.  I took pictures and called the principal's office.  My concerns were dismissed until I let it be known I was calling the police.

"Now, why would you want to involve the police?"

"Because if I sent him to school in the condition you sent him home, you would be calling the police."

The principal was soon gone from our little school district.

[debk]

So true.  My youngest son got "paddled" in elementary school (circa 1991-92).  He was bruised from the top of the back of his legs to his lower back.  I took pictures and called the principal's office.  My concerns were dismissed until I let it be known I was calling the police.

"Now, why would you want to involve the police?"

"Because if I sent him to school in the condition you sent him home, you would be calling the police."

The principal was soon gone from our little school district.

My gosh!!

When I was a kid, the principal did one whack on first offense and 2 on second. I don't remember anyone going for a third trip! I also don't remember any girls getting in enough trouble to get paddled. I think everyone was too afraid of what their parents would do when they got home!!

[AllosaursRus]

My gosh!!

When I was a kid, the principal did one whack on first offense and 2 on second. I don't remember anyone going for a third trip! I also don't remember any girls getting in enough trouble to get paddled. I think everyone was too afraid of what their parents would do when they got home!!

Heh! Girls got the same thing as us boys when I went to school. You could separate the bad asses from the wannabe's by who cried on the way to the principal's office. Some of those kids were scared to death of getting the paddle. Hell, my dad did it on a daily basis. The principal never had nothing like my dad!

[Vagabond]

Too bad we're talking DUmmies here, cause this is EXACTLY how this should have been handled. It has been my experience that disabled kids like this have strength that outweighs their peers. The body adapts for it's failings in other ways.  Perhaps if the parent of this unfortunate child encouraged him to exercise a little wup ass, this shit would stop!

You reminded me of a story I heard about a guy who played high school defensive tackle in the early 50's in the Pensacola area, we're talking leather helmets with no face mask.  He was born missing his right arm below his elbow and only weighed about 135 lbs.  Apparently offensive linemen who lined up against this guy were surprised to draw such an "easy" assignment.  Those same lineman were usually missing teeth by the end of the game, he knew how to use that stub to full effect.  I heard that he was among the first class to play football ot Florida State.  I really wish I knew that guy's name.

[Vagabond]

You were smart to go to the principal before your son took action...thereby preventing your son from getting in trouble and the school take action after an incident.

Years ago when my son was in 8th grade (he's almost 28 now) he got mad at a "bully" for picking on a little girl that was handicapped. The bully was always making fun of her, and one day my child decided to fight him. Didn't wait until after school....did it mid-day in the boys' restroom.

My kid has always been slight, though he's now 6'1" at the time he was around 5' tall and really scrawny and had no clue how to fight. T landed the first and only punch. By the time, a teacher got there....T face was pretty bad ..the other kid was not hurt.

Of course..both kids parents were called in. The other kid was gone when I got there, the school secretary told me "he is conscious..( ) and to be prepared when I saw him". (We had emergency visits to the opthamologist to get a contact removed and the pediatrician for a concusion).

The principal told me he was sorry but because fighting was zero tolerance, both boys were suspended for 3 days. And that the bullying would be dealt with. I don't know what happened, but T never had another incident in school.

We didn't punish him...I figured getting the crap beat out of him was punishment enough and we did talk to him quite a bit about it, to think before he thought fighting was a good idea. (although M did tell him he should have waited until after school and off of school grounds.... ) Though I also respected the principal's position on fighting, I'm not sure what suspension really accomplishes. When I was a kid...they would have been "paddled" by the principal.

If my son has been in a fight since...he's never told me....but he still defends the "underdog"...at least with words.

No Bully was ever beat me as bad as my dad.  I think that's why I was so bloody minded vicious when I did fight, and probably why I absolutely refuse to use corporal punishment on my kids.

[delilahmused]

In my experience as both a kid and a mother...as a general rule, kids don't bully handicapped children, they bully the whiny little wimps who will grow up to be full fledged DUmmies. Maybe mini-Dummie has pulled this kind of crap before so the school thought it best to get everyone involved (or at least everyone the whiny little brat said was involved) and get to the bottom of things. In reality, little whiny DUmmie brat has been taught from birth that she is a mere victim of a cruel world. The "bully" was probably just walking by and little whiny DUmmie thought he gave her a dirty look. I imagine a DUmmie child does a DUmmie mother proud when she exaggerates and blows things completely out of proportion.

Cindie

[RobJohnson]

Kids can be mean, and I know they don't limit themselves to non-handicapped children. It can be really sad, and nothing the DUmmy can solve on DU. (if the story is true)

[happy1ga]

I think the thing that everyone is missing from the story is WHAT DID THE KID THAT WAS BULLIED'S PARENTS DO? It was only up to the DUmmy to contact THEM and let them handle it the way THEY saw fit. After all, it was THEIR kid, not hers. The fact she took so much of an interest and involvement makes me suspicious that this is not the complete/real story

[BlueStateSaint]

I think the thing that everyone is missing from the story is WHAT DID THE KID THAT WAS BULLIED'S PARENTS DO? It was only up to the DUmmy to contact THEM and let them handle it the way THEY saw fit. After all, it was THEIR kid, not hers. The fact she took so much of an interest and involvement makes me suspicious that this is not the complete/real story

It comes down to this phrase, attributed to the Coach:

"Remember, DUmmies lie.  All the time, DUmmies lie."

[RobJohnson]

I think the thing that everyone is missing from the story is WHAT DID THE KID THAT WAS BULLIED'S PARENTS DO? It was only up to the DUmmy to contact THEM and let them handle it the way THEY saw fit. After all, it was THEIR kid, not hers. The fact she took so much of an interest and involvement makes me suspicious that this is not the complete/real story

A couple of the DUmmies mentioned that in the thread.