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Offline BannedFromDU

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More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« on: May 12, 2009, 11:41:11 AM »
Quote
Soylent Brice  Donating Member  (1000+ posts) 
      Tue May-12-09 03:51 PM
Original message

so, i'm quitting smoking today...   Updated at 3:51 PM
   
i had my first smoke when i was 11 years old. it was in the bathroom at a holiday inn. my stepbrother talked me into trying it. it was a marlboro light. it was AMAZING.

Was that the only thing you smoked in that bathroom, DUmmy?

unlike a lot of other first time smoking stories i've heard, mine differed drastically. i didn't cough, and i didn't get dizzy or lightheaded. i had the advantage of having second-hand smoke from the time i can remember, due to living in a house with smokers.

Typical DU: "Oh, I can HANDLE it. I could from the START. I'm SPECIAL."



it was an instant romance, nicotine and i.

Too bad grammar and you never got along.

by the time i was 14 years old i was smoking a solid pack a day. i was smoking lucky strikes unfiltered, and then eventually settled for the middle ground: marlboro reds. i had experienced insomnia for years so my evenings were spent staying up all night painting and smoking, or staring out the window listening to music.

Also typical DU: bragging about his prowess and stamina at something utterly bad for him.

fast forward. at 23 years old my firstborn daughter arrived. i swore i would quit. my wife had quit when we found out we were pregnant. i was so proud of her. i did not quit. instead i went through a ton of handwashing, hand sanitizer, and shirt changes, just to hold my baby. two more kids later i am doing the same thing. have i no willpower? am i truly "ADDICTED"? obviously so, in fact, and in no apparent hurry to curb my own inevitable bad health, or spare those around me from the stink i ooze.

You were JUST bragging about what a hardcore, badassed smoker you are, DUmmy. Somehow you're "addicated" now? I thought you could HANG, tough guy.



here i am, 28 years old, will be 29 in august. and i can't continue like this. i have shortness of breath, extremely high blood pressure, and get tired playing something as simple as freeze tag with my kids. this is not what i want for them. this is not what i want for my wife. this is not what i want for me.

Um, moron, you've been like that since you started smoking.

the sad thing is that i'm scared. i have ADHD. i have been on dozens of medications from the time i was 11 years old. i took myself off of meds when i was 19 years old. smoking, i convinced myself, was the only thing that was keeping me sane. smoking is my centering tool. smoking, so i have come to believe, is what makes me calm, focused, and attentive enough to appear "normal" to the rest of society. so i have this fear. enough so that it made me cry last night at the thought of quitting smoking.

Here we go. Let's see. You started SMOKING a stimulant at 11, and you started taking medication for ADHD...at...age 11.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Democratic Underground.

but i am sure of myself that this is the best possible thing for me, and for the first time since i have been smoking i genuinely want to quit. for the first time it's not an influenced decision (as my wife has implored me to quit for years) and so i feel more ownership. i feel like i may have a chance. i might just pull this off.

Probably not, though. I will give you points for not blaming Bushitler for your disgusting habit.

so here i am, about to go to lunch. i'm going to talk sweetly and softly to my cancerous beauty. i will explain to her: "it's not you babe, it's me, i swear". in all seriousness, i will probably talk to my last few smokes.

i don't have any problem with other smokers. i will not ever, nor have i ever, try to convince someone else to quit. i have come to find that it is a personal choice. those who smoke should in no way be condemned. but for me, this particular road has taken an odd and unexpected turn. it is time. and i am ready.

Translation: "Oh, shit. I forgot how many smokers there are on DU. Better make sure I stroke them."

i will be picking up a box of that nicotine gum, and my last cigarette will be at 7pm EST.

just seeing those words typed out scares the shit out of me.

so, wish me luck if you want, any luck or good vibes are welcomed!!

side note: if anyone else who has quit smoking has any tips about how they kept themselves from cheating and sneaking smokes in let me know please. my willpower is almost non-existent.

This dickhead will be sucking on a smoke within 12 hours. He's a loser. And soon, we'll OWE him a lifetime of healthcare, because the EEEEVIL tobacco industry forced him into this.


Hey, DUmmy? Quit bragging and just do it.
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Offline franksolich

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2009, 11:47:57 AM »
Quote
.....we found out we were pregnant.

How so?

Usually it's just the woman with that condition.

One is intrigued.
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Offline Chris_

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2009, 11:54:58 AM »
Quote from: franksolich on May 12, 2009, 11:47:57 AM
How so?

Usually it's just the woman with that condition.

One is intrigued.
:rotf:  More DUmmie fantasies, I suppose. 
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Offline Ralph Wiggum

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2009, 11:57:28 AM »
Quote from: franksolich on May 12, 2009, 11:47:57 AM
How so?

Usually it's just the woman with that condition.

One is intrigued.

That's pretty common language for a married couple to use when "they" become pregnant.  I've heard it a lot.

I remember my first smoke at age 15 or so.  Disgusting.  However once I started mixing it with a beer a few years later, it became like heaven.
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Offline franksolich

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2009, 12:00:19 PM »
Quote from: Ralph Wiggum on May 12, 2009, 11:57:28 AM
That's pretty common language for a married couple to use when "they" become pregnant.  I've heard it a lot.

I know; I had a sister and brother-in-law who used it, and even though still a kid, I thought it was pretty stupid.

A woman gets pregnant.  A man lives with a woman who is pregnant.

No way is the man pregnant himself; if such were possible, I'm sure there's a lot of pregnant women who would like to shift some of that nuisance and pain on him.
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Offline Ralph Wiggum

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2009, 12:06:39 PM »
Quote from: franksolich on May 12, 2009, 12:00:19 PM
I know; I had a sister and brother-in-law who used it, and even though still a kid, I thought it was pretty stupid.

A woman gets pregnant.  A man lives with a woman who is pregnant.

No way is the man pregnant himself; if such were possible, I'm sure there's a lot of pregnant women who would like to shift some of that nuisance and pain on him.

I'm not much a fan of that language either, Frank.  In fact, those couples who used it kind of bothered me as well.

In the unlikely event that I become a father someday, I've already vowed not to say "we're pregnant". 
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Offline JohnnyReb

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2009, 12:23:51 PM »
I tried that nicotine gum when it first came out. I chewed the stuff like it was Juicy Fruit and still smoked 4 packs a day.......something had to give. I gave up nicotine gum.
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Offline Karin

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2009, 12:35:03 PM »
The "we're pregnant" is creepy.  It's one of those new-age, moonbatty, touchy-feely feminized "man" things.  Men like that turn me off so much there's not a snowball's chance "we're" going to get "pregnant" "together."

That said, is there anything more boring than a stop smoking story?  Bitch slap me if you must, but one of my favorite authors is that hard left fag David Sedaris (I love the stories about his mother).  His last book was eaten up by half with his tale of woe of quitting smoking (and drinking, too).  He lost about 90% of his funny. 
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Offline jukin

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2009, 12:38:45 PM »
Three kids before it is thirty?

BREEDER!!!111!!!!
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Offline Ralph Wiggum

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2009, 12:39:50 PM »
Quote from: Karin on May 12, 2009, 12:35:03 PM
The "we're pregnant" is creepy.  It's one of those new-age, moonbatty, touchy-feely feminized "man" things.  Men like that turn me off so much there's not a snowball's chance "we're" going to get "pregnant" "together."

I may be mistaken, but I think the late great George Carlin had a routine ridiculing the "we're pregnant" stuff too.
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Offline Wineslob

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2009, 12:46:03 PM »
About as close to that "saying" I ever got was, (pointing to my wife's belly) 'I did that".  :-)
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Offline Chris_

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2009, 12:58:57 PM »
Quote from: jukin on May 12, 2009, 12:38:45 PM
Three kids before it is thirty?

BREEDER!!!111!!!!

 :rotf: You beat me to it! H5.
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Offline Vagabond

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2009, 01:09:16 PM »
The fastest guy I ever knew was a smoker.  During the Army Physical Fitness Test, I saw him hit the 1 mile mark and without breaking stride he reached into his shorts, pulled out a cigarette and lighter,  lit the cigarette, finish it in one drag throw it down, and put the lighter back in his shorts.  His time was estimated at 8:50 for that 2 mile run.  It was estimated because he beat the scorers to the finish line by a good fifteen seconds.
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Offline TheSarge

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2009, 01:17:17 PM »
Quote from: franksolich on May 12, 2009, 11:47:57 AM
How so?

Usually it's just the woman with that condition.

One is intrigued.

It's only HER condition when it comes to abortion.
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Offline Traveshamockery

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2009, 02:01:51 PM »
The guy sounds like he's obsessed with cigarettes.  I know people who smoke or have smoked and quit and none of them were quite that obsessed with an object like cigarettes. 
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Offline USA4ME

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2009, 02:52:01 PM »
If we only had his address we could send him a crate of Camel Unfiltered as a send-off.

.
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Offline Chris_

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2009, 02:52:39 PM »
Quote from: Karin on May 12, 2009, 12:35:03 PM
The "we're pregnant" is creepy.  It's one of those new-age, moonbatty, touchy-feely feminized "man" things.  Men like that turn me off so much there's not a snowball's chance "we're" going to get "pregnant" "together."

That said, is there anything more boring than a stop smoking story?  Bitch slap me if you must, but one of my favorite authors is that hard left fag David Sedaris (I love the stories about his mother).  His last book was eaten up by half with his tale of woe of quitting smoking (and drinking, too).  He lost about 90% of his funny. 

Hit you with a pre-emptive Hi5 to counteract the effects of anybody bitchslapping you. :II:
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Offline Ree

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #17 on: May 12, 2009, 02:53:23 PM »
Dude...if you're talkin to your ciggies I'd say smokin is the least of your problems....
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Offline Chris_

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #18 on: May 12, 2009, 02:56:40 PM »
Quote from: Ree on May 12, 2009, 02:53:23 PM
Dude...if you're talkin to your ciggies I'd say smokin is the least of your problems....

Hey, at least he's not skulking the streets at 2AM looking for poopers to poke.  And getting a little nuts on the nice young men in the clean white coats when they wonder WHAT THE ****, OVER?!?!?!?!
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Offline BlueStateSaint

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #19 on: May 12, 2009, 04:10:19 PM »
Quote from: USA4ME on May 12, 2009, 02:52:01 PM
If we only had his address we could send him a crate of Camel Unfiltered as a send-off.

.

H5!  That was funny!
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Offline BannedFromDU

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Re: More from the demand side of absolutely free healthcare
« Reply #20 on: May 12, 2009, 04:24:27 PM »
Quote from: DefiantSix on May 12, 2009, 02:56:40 PM
Hey, at least he's not skulking the streets at 2AM looking for poopers to poke.  


    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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