Well. It’s election time again. With that comes the question that is always there but never answered: why do dead people always vote demonrat? As a hard-hitting journalist (yes, I’m a reporter dammit!) I decided to go in search of the answer.
Fortunately I did not have to do much searching. Come to find out Dr. Roger Enstead had already done an in depth study to get to the bottom of things. For those of you may not have heard of Dr. Enstead he is very credentialed. He is president of the International Smarter Than You Institute and is chairman of the National Bacon Lovers Association. In other words, this guy knows his stuff.
I was lucky enough last week to get to do an interview with Dr. Enstead. I had hoped to have time to write a full piece on his study; however, I’ve been stuck reading over these pesky position papers so I just have time to do a quick breakdown.
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F: So dead people vote democrat?
Dr: Yes. At a ratio of almost 100 to 1.
F: Why is this?
Dr: That is what I wanted to answer with my study. It was enlightening to say the least.
F: Well tell us more. Why do dead people vote democrat?
Dr: When a person dies their brain ceases to function.
F: Right.
Dr: The brain no longer works.
F: Yes.
Dr: Do you not see the correlation?
F: I suppose. Dead person equals dead brain.
Dr: Exactly! Once a person dies, regardless of what they were in life, their body essentially becomes democrat like.
F: So when a person dies said person becomes a democrat. Gotcha.
Dr: No! No! I said democrat LIKE. I did NOT say that they actually become democrat.
F: You said their brains stopped working. Plus, even I know once they’ve been dead for awhile they smell bad.
Dr: It is true that both democrats and the dead have similar mental capabilities and odors, but to call the dead “democrats†is really uncalled for and rude because there are differences.
F: Like?
Dr: Dead people will not steal from you, shit on your lawn, scream at you, mooch from you, run GoFundMe scams on you…You get the idea.
F: I see, but I still have a question. You said that the dead vote democrat at a ratio of almost 100 to 1. Why does the “1†vote republican.
Dr: Oh make no mistake about it. The 1 intended to vote democrat but just voted incorrectly. After all, it has the mental capabilities of a democrat.
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So there you have it. The reason why dead people vote democrat. From an actual doctor. Who did a study. And likes bacon. Now back to those pesky position papers.
