Ms. Ed the unappellated eohippus asks for literary critique

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x3232921

This is a new bonfire; no primitives have seen it yet.

It's obviously something written by the female heiress of Ms. Ed, and mom wants the approval of the primitives.

Since the female heiress of Ms. Ed is an innocent third party in this, please direct your comments and criticisms at Ms. Ed, the High Priestess of Moloch to the primitives, and not at the innocent third party, who doesn't have any pretensions or ego about being another Lil Porker Ava.

Horse with no Name  Donating Member  (1000+ posts) Thu May-01-08 04:48 PM
Original message

This was written by an 18-year old
   
Thoughts? Criticism? What do you think about it? Any input is valued greatly. Thanks.

It is night
I lay my body down to rest
Sleep refuses to intrude
My body begs for refuge
My eyes close but refuse to let sleep enter
It is now
I think of all the wrongs and injustices
Of all the things I wanted and was deprived
Of lost loves and new hates
People seldom know
What goes on when I lie awake at night
Thinking and scheming
Against myself and the system
The question "why me?" is now a reality
Conversation goes on
I try to enter, but am drowned out by unheard voices
People that don't exist
Except in the dark regions of my mind
It is now
I plot against my enemies and myself
I think of sordid and unpleasant things
I center my attentions on the shortcomings
But I won't give in
Because I am strong
The darkness has become my friend
My eyes have closed upon the world
And I am finally at peace
With my faithful friend-
The surrounding darkness.

[franksolich]

Oh my.

That didn't take long.

stellanoir  Donating Member  (1000+ posts) Thu May-01-08 05:04 PM
Response to Original message

1. My hope and prayer is that this eloquent and expressive youth
   
has transcended duality and can see the darkness as comforting and nourishing as the light.

By sheer coincidence, if anyone wants to believe it or not, those were once the exact words used to describe the young franksolich, "eloquent and expressive."

[DumbAss Tanker]

It's not bad.  As overflowing with self-indulgent teenage angst as you would expect from an 18-year-old, but not a bad piece of work at all.

[PatriotGame]

Horse with no Name  Donating Member  (1000+ posts) Thu May-01-08 04:48 PM
Original message

This was written by an 18-year old
   
Thoughts? Criticism? What do you think about it? Any input is valued greatly. Thanks.

It is night...
I lay my body down to rest
 

This was written by me:

It is night
I lay my body down to rest Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ....Smack the alarm clock!
"Ah great!  A brand new day, a new group of DUmmy angst filled posts to review. A great job to go to, a great home, great wife, great cats!
DAMN LIFE IS GOOD!"

[miskie]

I dont like it at all. But Im no fan of freeform poetry because it tends to be self righteous angst or some sort of quasi political 'statement'.

This tries to be both at once.

The work lacks flow and cohesion, making it difficult to read as a poem.

It gets a C-minus from me.

 

[dutch508]

fuquing wanker! Back to the trenches for you, me boy!

[stickyboot]

Horse with no Name  Donating Member  (1000+ posts) Thu May-01-08 04:48 PM
Original message

This was written by an 18-year old(italics mine)
   
Thoughts? Criticism? What do you think about it? Any input is valued greatly. Thanks.

I don't want to be guilty of stomping on a young person's literary efforts, but it's rather predictable for that age group. I think the interest in trying is the commendable part and I hope they keep plugging at it and learn the craft instead of just talking about feelings.

[dandi]

Sounds emo.

[Bondai]

It sucks.....