If Obama really wasn't a total lame duck pansy that he's turned out to be he would have said this :
Congress: "My bad, Americans; For the first 3 years of my presidency, I took advantage of the fact that I ran both chambers of congress and the White House, and decided to put my pride before the real priorities of saving America from becoming a 2nd World nation. I didn't see the situation for what it was, and since all I had in my corner were a bunch of Bark eating, Patchouli bathing, Berkenstock wearing, Dave Matthews listening pansies, I tried to shame Republicans by passing Health Care reform. As another slap in the face to the Conservatives, I tried to regulate the financial industry even further, making banks so reluctant to lend money that now "no one" can get a loan even though Real Estate is at rock bottom. Let me clarify who I mean by "No one": "No one" as in hard working Americans who pay taxes, abide by the law, and aren't total bloodsucking derelicts of society. Who I didn't include in the "No one" characterization was the guy with 5 kids, no job, collecting Social Security Disability for "Bi-Polar" aka Drug Addiction and unemployment. He can get a loan, because the banks know his money is "Guaranteed." After long hours of contemplation, aka, 36 holes of golf, I realized this probably isn't very good for the country. So as an olive branch to the American people, here is what I propose:
1. Corporations have over 3 Trillion dollars invested in assets overseas to prevent them from being taxed 35%. I propose that to promote domestic job growth, that corporations who bring their money back to the US only be taxed 5% of that amount. The jobs that the "reinvestment" in US located assets creates will be fully deductible expenses for the next 5 years.
2. Unemployment disbursements will be regressive. Meaning, after the first 8 weeks of receiving checks, the amount will be lowered 25% for every additional 4 weeks after, until the Government will no longer carry you while you cherry pick for jobs.
3. Social Security was a great idea at one point, but it's wholly abused by people who classify themselves as disabled for wholly ambiguous diagnosis'. What I propose is that if you have drug-related criminal offense, or really any egregious criminal offense at all, that you not be eligible for the full social security disbursement. America is not going to enable you to any longer.
4. Health Care - I propose that we revise Hippo laws in terms of Citizenship status. If you aren't a citizen of the United States, we're not going to cover your healthcare any longer. I don't have a problem subsidizing private insurance companies to provide plans for people with pre-existing conditions or requiring those plans to make people go to clinics as a preventative measure. I'm just no longer going to make taxpayers fund illegal aliens to get treatment because Hospitals can't ask them if they are legal Citizens or not.
In closing, I just want to say that I am not going to run for re-election. Even though I finally get it, I don't think I'm going to have much support from all the free-loaders in this country, so my chances of winning are pretty low. I just hope that whoever wins, that they realize that America isn't it's Government, but it's people, and the people who make America aren't the people who the Government carry, but the people who give the right to rule to it's Government. Sorry I got it twisted the first time around."
Obama exits stage left, not before punching Biden in the face. Cheers are heard throughout suburban America, not sure whether they are happy to know that Biden's teeth were in fact fake, or that they'll be able to go to work the next day knowing that the America will return as greatest nation to ever grace this Planet.
Thanks for reading, this was more therapeutic for me than anything else... I've just come to hard conclusions about my own political views and whats truly important to me and this country overall.
-"No one"
