Dear DUers,
It is with a heavy heart that I come to you today to inform you that I am dropping from the race as your candidate in the Jackass Party. Some outsiders will claim that I am dropping out because you guys at DU are hate-filled scum. I ask you not to believe these people because, in all honesty, the fact that you guys at DU are hate-filled scum had very little to do with my decision.
Due to the fact that there were so many of you giddy at the prospect of a FlippyDoo candidacy I feel you need some explanation. The reasons that I have made my decision are as follows:
The first reason is honesty. You guys at DU can lie constantly with no remorse, and you expect the same from your candidates. Even though I've been practicing since declaring my candidacy I still have come no where near mastering this art. Frankly, I don't know how you and your candidates can lie all the time and with such passion that you delusionally begin to believe your lies are the truth. I guess it really is an art form. My hat's off to you.
The second reason has to do with greed. I know that you DU folks and your candidates are some of the most greedy and self-centered people on the planet. You're always looking for a handout. You're always looking at how something will benefit you and no one else. You're always looking to steal something from anyone who has more than you. To show how I'm failing in this category, since announcing my candidacy I have twice, without thinking, donated my own money to hard working individuals who were down on their luck. Now to my credit, both times I immediately remembered as I walked away that as your candidate I should never give my own money and that I should actually have been TAKING money from the down on their luck, hard working individuals and giving it to people like you guys who are too sorry to work. Granted, I did realize my error, but it was after the fact. I just can't be sure that it won't happen again.
The final reason is intelligence. You people at DU are extremely proud of your intelligence and expect your candidates to be as intelligent as you are. This has caused me extreme problems. Thus far I have found no way to successful bring my intelligence to your level. Even though I do not drink, I decided that I would drink a case of beer to see if that would help. The problem was that, even as I was so drunk that I could not stand, my intelligence level still was not low enough. I finally tried to convince my wife to beat me in the head with a claw hammer in an attempt to match your intelligence level. I suppose the final straw in my decision to quit as your candidate came when my wife refused. She claimed that even if she beat me into a vegetative state that the chances were that I still would not successfully reach your intelligence level. She then asked that I drop out of the race.
I do apologize to all of you DUers for getting your hopes up and then letting you down. On the bright side, you are all still proud members of the Jackass Party, and I'm sure that someone who matches your honesty, greed, and intelligence levels will step forward for you much as the unicorn keeper did in '08.
Your fictional spirit-guide and former candidate,
FlippyDoo
P.S.
I can not deny that a small part of my decision was the fear that a particular DUer may ride my coattails to victory in frank's state of Nebraska. While I realize that the chance of such a victory is probably infinitesimal, it is a risk that I do not want to take as frank is a nice guy.
