NanceGreggs Channels God Almighty for the shallow end of the gene pool to admire

[asdf2231]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=3810553&mesg_id=3810553

Memo From a Pissed-Off God 
 Advertisements [?]Edited on Sun Aug-17-08 12:17 AM by NanceGreggs
Let me start by saying that playing the role of An Angry God has never appealed to me. You know, schtick like flooding the entire planet, or turning Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt – although impressive (and they do tend to make for a great story!), it’s never really been My thing.

Truth be told – and being who I am, telling the truth is kind of a given – a lot of you are really on my last nerve these days, to the point where a plague of locust and an outbreak of boils is starting to seem like a great idea.

Allow me (and come to think of it, who’s gonna stop me?) to be blunt. I am sick and tired of hearing about how some of you – and I know who you are – are screwing up the environment, ignoring your less fortunate brethren, and waging war, while having the My-damned nerve to say that you’re somehow doing it with My blessing.

So let’s start with getting a few things straight between us – a Creator and created-in-My-image kind of discussion, if you will – just so we all know where I stand.

I think I’ve made it pretty darned clear from the beginning that doing unto others as you would have done unto yourself was the way to go – and as I remember it, I didn’t allow much in the way of wiggle room. You either looked out for your neighbor or you didn’t, and I would be the Ultimate Judge of how well you scored.

Nowadays I’m inundated with legal briefs, filed by those of you who think there’s a loophole in that admonition that’s big enough to not only crawl through, but drive your SUV through while hauling a tractor-trailer full of excuses for why you think your fellow man doesn’t deserve your notice.

Now, a lot of you might remember my Son (long-haired hippie-type, popular at parties once that water-into-wine thing got around). Well, I gotta tell you, every time I hear someone say, “How would Jesus vote?”, or “What would Jesus do?”, it makes me wonder if I got so caught up in saying things like “Let there be light” back in the early days of this whole experiment, I forgot to make sure you were all given brains along with your standard-issue humanity kit.

So once again, let me try to make this so simple, even the simple-minded among you can understand.

Waging war for the sake of power and money is not something Me, or The Kid, would vote for. Nor is the idea that killing and maiming innocent people for access to oil something either of Us would get behind.

Here’s a few more tips on things I don’t approve of (and I can’t believe I actually have to spell this out for you, but here goes):

· Screwing up the planet so that a few greedy corporations can make bigger profits.
· Justifying killing people on the basis that they talk funny, worship in places that aren’t called churches, and wear strange things on their heads.
· Waging war and pretending it’s about spreading concepts like democracy when it’s really about coveting thy neighbors goods
· Torturing your fellow man (and just for the record, calling it “enhanced interrogation techniques” isn’t getting anyone off the hook)
· Forcing fellow human beings to work in inhumane conditions and labeling it “the free enterprise system at work”

And finally, the BIGGIE (to use the colloquial term), justifying your absolute worst behavior – i.e. throwing stones from your glass house, judging others as though you aren’t deserving of judgment, ignoring the plight of your fellow man because you have deemed them lazy, not moral enough by your standards, or just too beneath you to be considered your equal – by declaring yourself a God-fearing Christian.

Believe Me – and on this point, I most assuredly know whereof I speak – you are definitely barking up the wrong tree. And if you really are God-fearing, you might want to reconsider your current approach to following My Word.

In closing, I just want to remind all of you, yet again, that I know what’s in your heart of hearts – so don’t even try telling me that when you vote for people who are promoting war, famine, pestilence and death – so long as it’s the other guy who has to suffer, and not you – you are honestly doing so because you think that's the way I would have wanted it.

Folks, I didn’t just fall off the celestial turnip truck. So, please, spare me your woeful cries that when you spat on the homeless guy who was beggin’ for a quarter for food, when you looked the other way when people were imprisoned without charge, when you declared that the sick deserved their fate because they were too lazy to get jobs that included health insurance, you were doing what the Good Lord (that’s Me!) taught you to do – because you weren’t, not by a long shot.

You might want to keep in mind that this All-Knowing thing is not just a rumor, but yet another fact that certain politicians would just as soon you forgot – along with everything else I’ve ever told you.

I’ve got a very long memory. And that doesn’t bode well for a lot of you – especially certain people of the church of political persuasion.

So smarten up, folks. Don’t make me regret that I ever started this whole thing in the first place. I've put a lot of faith in your ability to understand right from wrong, and your potential for coming down, strong and with conviction, on the side of doing the right thing.

Believe me, I am the last person in the universe who wants to be proven wrong.

Merciful Zeus... Is that lantern jawed troll in her avatar really her?



 

[Chris]

That's Molly Ivins.  At least Molly was a halfway-decent writer, even if the only thing she put out was crap.

[MountainSage]

I only read her stuff when I don't mind my eyes bleeding.

[asdf2231]

That's Molly Ivins.  At least Molly was a halfway-decent writer, even if the only thing she put out was crap.

Funny.  Nance doesn't attribute this anywhere...  Hmmmm...

[franksolich]

Hey, asdf, the best way of displaying the American Nana primitive's original posts is this way:

NanceGreggs  Donating Member  (1000+ posts) Sun Aug-17-08 12:04 AM
Original message

Memo From a Pissed-Off God   

Let me start by saying that playing the role of An Angry God has never appealed to me. You know, schtick like flooding the entire planet, or turning Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt – although impressive (and they do tend to make for a great story!), it’s never really been My thing.

Truth be told – and being who I am, telling the truth is kind of a given – a lot of you are really on my last nerve these days, to blahblahblahblahblah

It saves a great deal of depreciation on the keyboard, and the reader doesn't miss anything anyway, from the unquoted part.

[Chris]

Nance posted some other drivel tonight.  I thought about putting it in it's own thread, but it wasn't worth the bandwidth.

NanceGreggs  (1000+ posts)       Sat Aug-16-08 12:29 AM
Original message
One Bestseller - Comin' Up! 
 Advertisements [?]Edited on Sat Aug-16-08 12:36 AM by NanceGreggs
TO: Ms. Mary Matalin, Publisher

c/o Richard “Dick” Cheney’s Ass
Suite 303, Mezzanine Level
Washington, D.C.

Dear Ms Matalin:

After reading many excerpts from “An Obama Nation” by Jerome Corsi, I am writing to request that you consider publishing my upcoming book, tentatively titled “The Truth About Truth-Tellers & The Nit-Picking Fact-Mongers Who Are Out to Get Them”.

I am in possession of many interesting facts about Bush, Cheney, and other high-profile personalities active in today’s political arena.

While I don’t want to tip my hand, I will include a few examples of what I have compiled thus far, along with the unimpeachable sources for each fact stated:

Fact: Laura Welch was paid over one brazilion dollars to marry George W, and act as his “beard” while he pursued affairs with young (preferably bald) men.

Source: A former neighbor of mine, also named Welch, who is obviously in a position to know about such goings-on within her own family. She can be easily contacted at her residence, 101 Ocean Parkway or c/o Bellvue Hospital (address dependent on whether she is on or off her meds).

Fact: Dick Cheney once shot in a man in Texas just to watch him die.
Source: Preferring to simply be identified by the initials H.W. these days for obvious reasons, the victim miraculously survived this attempt on his life – but can be reached at an undisclosed location to verify his story.

Fact: Donald Rumsfeld is a secret cross-dresser, who can only achieve orgasm through masturbation while viewing photographs of Abu Ghraib torture victims and simultaneously eating chocolate.

Source: “Hellfire Helga”, who runs an S & M brothel on M Street in D.C., situated between an M&M’s factory on K Street and a Whips ‘R’ Us franchise on L Street, and obviously knows whereof she speaks.

FACT: Former AG John “Ash” Ashcroft is NOT one of us; he is an “artificial human”.

Source: Lieutenant Ellen L. Ripley, currently assigned to duty aboard the US Space Ship Nostromo.

FACT: Karl Rove regularly eats babies as part of a Satanic ritual.

Source: Gregor St. Clair, head waiter at Signatures Restaurant in DC, who has receipts showing that Rove consistently ordered baby spinach salad, new potatoes, very young veal, and devil’s food cake on a regular basis. (Rove’s ties to China, as evidenced by his prediliction for Peking Duck, have also not gone unnoticed.)

FACT: George H.W. Bush and Hermann Goering were on the same bowling team, and spent their time between strikes and spares plotting the downfall of the USA.

Source: Mac “The Whack” Wackowski, who has been panhandling at the corner of Broadway and 52nd Street since 1972, and can prove said allegations with three Crayolas, a Jon Nagy “Learn to Draw” kit, and an etch-a-sketch.

FACT: John McCain and Abe “Grandpa” Simpson are one and the same person.”

Source: In this case, multiple sources are available and obvious: both men have a get-off-my-lawn attitude, have never been photographed together, have never been known to have attended the same cocktail party simultaneously - and it is widely accepted as doubtful that either have slept with Cindy McCain since the early ‘eighties.

FACT: Bush & Cheney “best bud” Ken Lay was a lyin’, theivin’, lower than pond-scum crook.

Source: Ken Lay. Secondary source: A man going by the name of Len Kay, a reclusive international beach-bum with access to millions and no visible means of support.)

FACT: SOS Condi Rice is a high-priced hooker, whose demands for ever-escalating fees has led to chaos in world markets.

Source: Keith Bradsher (of the NYT, no less!), March 2008: “The price of Rice has almost doubled on international markets in the last three months. That has pinched the budgets of millions of poor Asians and raised fears of civil unrest.”

FACT: This Administration is firmly in-the-pocket of lobbyist money.

Source: Prisoner No. 74630280, aka “J.A.” Visiting hours from 1:00 p.m to 4:15 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays; known to have his tongue loosened by a $25 credit at the prison commissary towards the purchase of kosher snacks.

This, as they say, is just the tip of the iceberg. I am also knowlegable about real “facts” to do with voter suppression, Diebold, Blackwater, no-bid Halliburton contracts, etc. – but I am aware that you are not interested in such trivialities, substantiated or not.

I also realize that you don’t know me from Ann Coulter’s Adam’s Apple, and may be skeptical of my credentials. But being as I am a Democrat, perhaps you could ask your husband to vouch for me, as I understand he once had a tenuous relationship with my party.

Thanks in advance for your kind consideration of my literary work.

Breathlessly Awaiting Your Reply,
NanceGreggs

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x3806702

[Chris]

TomInTib makes an appearance. 

TomInTib  (1000+ posts)      Sat Aug-16-08 04:06 AM
Response to Original message
10. Speaking from someone who actually met Jon Nagy...
 I can testify to the truthiness of this account.

My encounter with Mr. Nagy inspired me to grow a goatee (a VanDyke, to be precise), which evolved into my trademarked beard.


KnR, Nance.

Tom

Surely someone this cool and connected can get better rates on his homeowners insurance?  You mean to tell me Tommy isn't close, personal friends with the CEOs of State Farm, Allstate, Progressive, and the board of directors at Farm Bureau?

[MrsSmith]

while having the My-damned nerve to say that you’re somehow doing it with My blessing.

Nance,

You are not God.

No one cares if you bless anything.


Sincerely,

Humanity