The Conservative Cave

Current Events => The DUmpster => Topic started by: franksolich on November 30, 2014, 10:51:23 AM

Title: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: franksolich on November 30, 2014, 10:51:23 AM: Which of the two overenormous primitives is most likely to cooperate with franksolich, as a public service for the Good of Humanity, in an attempt to lose weight?

As most know, the big guy was recently advised by his physician that his extra flab is overtaxing his heart, his stomach, his bowels, and his skeletal structure, and so if he doesnâ€™t lose weight--probably about 300 pounds--heâ€™s going to be posting on Skinsâ€™s island from a world heâ€™s not currently in.

One doesnâ€™t know if the LynneSin primitiveâ€™s been counseled to lose weight, but one assumes she probably has, as that sort of bulk on a woman her height canâ€™t possibly be anything good.

Well, we donâ€™t want anything bad to happen to either of them.

But franksolich has limited time and energy, and can help only one.

(http://i949.photobucket.com/albums/ad335/photoatcc/misc/osls_zps24132744.jpg) (http://s949.photobucket.com/user/photoatcc/media/misc/osls_zps24132744.jpg.html)

The criteria is, which of the two is most likely to cooperate, most likely to be motivated enough to succeed?

I havenâ€™t thought yet about what the LynneSin primitive might need, to get her down to a slender, svelte Nancy Reaganesque figure, other than that she could probably piss away her dropsy if she cut out all the pharmaceuticals she takes.

Iâ€™m no physician, but it looks to me as if sheâ€™s one-half water, minimum.

As for the big guy, Iâ€™ve worked out a diet and exercise regimen that canâ€™t help but trim him down to franksolichâ€™s size; with a 1,000-calorie-a-day diet and exercise that consumes 6,000 calories a day, giving a net loss of 5,000 calories a day, perhaps by next Christmas, the big guy can be there.

Now, a thousand calories might seem a starvation diet, but it wouldnâ€™t be that bad. The big guy would be weighed every Saturday, and for every pound heâ€™s lost the past week, heâ€™d get to chow down on a mini-taco.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: Big Dog on November 30, 2014, 11:53:57 AM: If Omaha Steve is telling the truth about knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door, then he will lose weight first.

(http://chestofbooks.com/animals/zoology/Anatomy/images/Skeleton-of-the-Seal.jpg)

If he is not, as I suspect, then The JOOOOOOOS will lose weight first.

(http://cdn1.arkive.org/media/6F/6FC02893-14D9-4844-B359-473EA1E15B70/Presentation.Large/Northern-elephant-seals-mating.jpg)
Omaha Steve and LynnSin at the last DU ~~hookup~~ meetup.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: GOBUCKS on November 30, 2014, 01:39:15 PM: Well, according to the Big Guy, he just jumped onto the final slicky-slide in life's waterpark, soon to reap his final reward at the bottom.

As he zooms downward during the next little while, expect a transformation from a morbidly obese DUmmy to a Barney Fife lookalike.

So assistance, limited as it must be, should focus on the DUmp chick with the enormous chin lump, because the Big Guy's weight loss won't depend on his motivation.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: franksolich on November 30, 2014, 03:07:22 PM: Quote from: GOBUCKS on November 30, 2014, 01:39:15 PM
So assistance, limited as it must be, should focus on the DUmp chick with the enormous chin lump.....

I should caution that's a pretty old picture; she's expanded considerably since.

But given my gallantry towards women, I didn't want to embarrass her, and so chose the most-flattering one.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: DumbAss Tanker on December 02, 2014, 04:20:07 PM: Only the dead ones.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: USA4ME on December 02, 2014, 04:28:19 PM: The LynneSin primitive is unaware she is overweight because when looking down she is unable to see past her 3 chins.

.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: JakeStyle on December 02, 2014, 04:35:56 PM: Steve doesn't give a damn, and now he has the excuse that he's about to croak from his mystery illness pretty soon. If anything, he's going to pack on another couple hundred lbs before he kicks.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: dutch508 on December 02, 2014, 07:46:21 PM: I expect a CalPeg poem on this topic before the end of the week.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: FlippyDoo on December 02, 2014, 07:47:56 PM: Quote from: DumbAss Tanker on December 02, 2014, 04:20:07 PM
Only the dead ones.

I foresee DAT having the correct answer.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: franksolich on December 05, 2014, 02:44:23 PM: This morning, while waiting in line at the convenience store, I happened to chitchat with a woman who's a nutritionist in a nursing home.

(No, this isn't a bouncy.)

She said yes, it's true that celery has a negative caloric value--it burns more calories in chomping it down and digesting it, than the calories celery has.

She didn't know anything else right off-hand, and because this was in line in a convenience store rather than in her office, it wasn't anything she could look up for the specifics.

I think a celery diet would work wonders for both the big guy and the LynneSin primitive.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: GOBUCKS on December 05, 2014, 05:51:13 PM: Quote from: franksolich on December 05, 2014, 02:44:23 PM
I think a celery diet would work wonders for both the big guy and the LynneSin primitive.

Celery, filled with melted cheese and wrapped in fried bacon.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: BattleHymn on December 05, 2014, 06:30:22 PM: The sure fire way for any primitive to lose weight is to experience an amputation. Kirk weighs a lot less, now that he's down to one flipper. TheMasterNutcase is also down on weight, thanks to his recent amputation.

Steve just wouldn't be Steve if he lost his FUPA. LynneChin would shed about 30 pounds if she had that lipoma removed from her face, and as a bonus be able to show herself in public again.
Title: Re: poll: which primitive would be most likely to lose weight?
Post by: freedumb2003b on December 05, 2014, 07:52:50 PM: (http://philly.barstoolsports.com/files/2012/05/not-sure-idiocracy1.jpg)