The Conservative Cave
The Bar => The Lounge => Topic started by: RobJohnson on August 10, 2013, 03:32:29 AM
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Look, I'm telling you now, before you judge me too harshly on what I'm about to reveal, that apart from taking lots of photos I'm not an overly gushing parent. I find lots of baby and toddler stuff that I must do with my two-year-old quite unbelievably dull; about as stimulating as watching repeats of the weather forecast in the dark.
These first two years that everyone said would go so quickly – for much of it, the minutes have passed like hours. Not that the slowness has made my memories any clearer, as I still have no idea where I put, say, the lock of hair from her first haircut that I said I would keep forever, or if her first word really was Abu, followed by Hamza, or was it merely cat? She definitely said both – but when? I'll have to check my Facebook updates. Or the log at GCHQ.
So it is in the context of this lack of precise gushingness that I must make this confession. My daughter has recently become obsessed with the size of her poos – and they are all big, according to her, whether they look to me like they came out of a greedy Jack Russell or a sickly church mouse. "Big poo, Mummy," she says, in awed tones – awed by her own bottom. "Big poo."
Big Poo (http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/aug/08/dread-daughter-poos-smaller-girl-conform)
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WTF?? :confused:
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Oh, shit.
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Some precious memories need to kept to oneself. :thatsright:
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That's TMI!!
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That's TMI!!
Boy children have a fascination for their Poo's. Never heard about girls having this they just want this stuff gone.
Sons one 8 years old other 6 came running to me one day, Mom, Mom you should see what Jonny did in the toilet.
With Boy children especially if you had no brothers is a special assignment from God. God causes problems for females that know little about the male. First when the boy is born is the fact that this is a human but not with the body of a female. Not a replication of the mother but a very different species.
The body has attributes females don't have, they have these things between their legs females must learn about. One learns within days diapers are different for boys and girls, and unless one wants a squirt in the eye to keep the front covered when changing them. A 5 pound infant has the bladder pump strong enough to squirt 2 feet in the air. [ the kids going to grow up to be a one man fire department ]
As the boy grows they seem to learn to do thing physically faster then the girls, walk and are interested in the kitchen pots and pans you begin to realize these boy children have a different brain from the girl children. I bought Raggedy Andy dolls for my boys at 2 years old and they became their Buddy's, for a year or so. By 3 they were taking everything apart in the house to see how it worked. By then they had found their man hood and began to run about naked to show everyone what they had.
Boy's---so different from the girls.
Somewhere in the next few years the boys became fascinated with yuckier stuff, worms, snakes and dead fish or crabs.
So came the day I had to dash upstairs to see what my oldest had to show me in the toilet with his younger brother on my heels laughing. This child had put down a dozy of a movement, it stretched around the bowl. How on earth all that came out of a little kid was amazing.
In walks the older sister, takes one look and flushes my sons masterpiece down the drain. Both boys were outraged and my daughter had no idea why.
Through the years this same daughter has pulled out her hair with her two boys, even as a sister to two she just could not understand them. My comments to her was always---Don't Flush-----
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Boy children have a fascination for their Poo's. Never heard about girls having this they just want this stuff gone.
Sons one 8 years old other 6 came running to me one day, Mom, Mom you should see what Jonny did in the toilet.
With Boy children especially if you had no brothers is a special assignment from God. God causes problems for females that know little about the male. First when the boy is born is the fact that this is a human but not with the body of a female. Not a replication of the mother but a very different species.
The body has attributes females don't have, they have these things between their legs females must learn about. One learns within days diapers are different for boys and girls, and unless one wants a squirt in the eye to keep the front covered when changing them. A 5 pound infant has the bladder pump strong enough to squirt 2 feet in the air. [ the kids going to grow up to be a one man fire department ]
As the boy grows they seem to learn to do thing physically faster then the girls, walk and are interested in the kitchen pots and pans you begin to realize these boy children have a different brain from the girl children. I bought Raggedy Andy dolls for my boys at 2 years old and they became their Buddy's, for a year or so. By 3 they were taking everything apart in the house to see how it worked. By then they had found their man hood and began to run about naked to show everyone what they had.
Boy's---so different from the girls.
Somewhere in the next few years the boys became fascinated with yuckier stuff, worms, snakes and dead fish or crabs.
So came the day I had to dash upstairs to see what my oldest had to show me in the toilet with his younger brother on my heels laughing. This child had put down a dozy of a movement, it stretched around the bowl. How on earth all that came out of a little kid was amazing.
In walks the older sister, takes one look and flushes my sons masterpiece down the drain. Both boys were outraged and my daughter had no idea why.
Through the years this same daughter has pulled out her hair with her two boys, even as a sister to two she just could not understand them. My comments to her was always---Don't Flush-----
I think vesta read Nadin's book on how to raise boys.
BTW: Little girls like to get naked and go streaking too......and they're fast as hell.
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Oh, shit.
:lmao:
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One of those slow news days.....
Toddler turds.
Uh huh. :whatever:
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I dread the day those whopper turds have got to go.
Of course, it's no coincidence that her current fixation with size has ballooned while we are on holiday in California. When I decided to bring her here for several weeks and wondered about the possible side-effects, I imagined her learning to pronounce aluminium wrong, or developing a taste for pork burritos, or falling as hopelessly in love with the CNN newsreader Anderson Cooper as I have (the nice man recently came out). I forgot that what this country would really do to is show her size. Everything in America is so much bigger than it is at home.
The fridge in the place we're staying is enormous. The carton of juice inside the fridge is twice the size of the ones at home, and the egg box has not six but 12 eggs inside it – in fact it looks less like a box of eggs and more like a police line-up of anonymous Twitter trolls. I watch my child taking all this in with her wide eyes, and listen to her hamming up the dimensions of her bowel movements like a Hollywood producer. Why, she really has absorbed the local culture here in Los Angeles – she takes those little poos of hers and turns them into stars.
And I think about how much of what girls do is about making themselves smaller. Wanting to suck their waists in and be thin. To not have said so much in public, with such an impact. To be like Hello Kitty – all smile, no mouth. I remember well the years from 12 to 14, where I learned to step back from the tests, step back from my brains, because girls weren't meant to initiate. Girls were meant to follow the boys, and I adored those funny boys. Who so often took our jokes and said them a little bit louder. A little bit more – big.
A friend told me yesterday that her four-year-old announced she had done a poo "like a brown dolphin". Another friend remembers her little sister sitting on a potty and saying, "Look! It is a beautiful golden sun!" before they all waved it goodbye, discussing the beautiful sunset as they flushed it down the loo. I know I must, but I am resistant. I do not want to flush my daughter's beautiful sunsets down the loo.
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:pokingpoop:
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thanks guys, now you got me looking at my turds!!
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Liberals talk some crazy shit, don't they.
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(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h69/TheColdDick/gifs/algoreshit.gif)
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(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h69/TheColdDick/gifs/algoreshit.gif)
That is without a doubt one of the most disgusting (but accurate) things I've ever seen on the innerwebz.
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thanks guys, now you got me looking at my turds!!
:lmao:
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:whatever: I guess I missed "all the fun." :whatever: About all I did was teach them where to put their poo once they got old enough. :lmao: