The Conservative Cave
The Bar => Comedy Central => Topic started by: CG6468 on March 06, 2013, 11:18:17 AM
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Life's Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
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I think there is a problem with the COMMUNICATION one.
If I listen to my wife talk for over 30 minutes I get in trouble and an irritated, "why aren't you saying anything?" Which is a trick question because if I give the honest answer of "because you've not stopped talking and we can't talk at the same time" I get in additional trouble.
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I think there is a problem with the COMMUNICATION one.
If I listen to my wife talk for over 30 minutes I get in trouble and an irritated, "why aren't you saying anything?" Which is a trick question because if I give the honest answer of "because you've not stopped talking and we can't talk at the same time" I get in additional trouble.
Which is better than I did with my "X". After she would fuss for 30 minutes then I would say, "Did you say something?". After which I'd get the silent treatment which is what I wanted to start with.
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Which is better than I did with my "X". After she would fuss for 30 minutes then I would say, "Did you say something?". After which I'd get the silent treatment which is what I wanted to start with.
Saying 'uh huh' and 'yep' every few minutes don't work either. Nor does saying "just tell me what you want me to say."
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Saying 'uh huh' and 'yep' every few minutes don't work either. Nor does saying "just tell me what you want me to say."
From a woman's point of view.
Wife tells you some gossip about your friends.
You respond, " well, well " and head for the TV. -20
You ask a few questions and head for the TV. +1
You sit down and discuss this news for 20 minutes. +150
Something comes up, washer or drier breaks, car needs expensive repairs.
You tell her "Don't worry I can handle this." + 10
You sit down for 20 minutes and ask ask her ideas on what should be done, get repairs or buy new. +150
Vacation is coming up, you tell her she should decide where to go, it makes no difference to you. -200
You go to a restaurant with those brocures on different vacations in the area and sit for 30 minutes discussing all the sites YOU would like to see with HER. Priceless +500
Wife tells you her best friend confided in her that she has Herpies, you just shrug and go to the TV. -20
You take cell phone and sneak into the bathroom to make a doctors app. to be checked out. -5,000
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I think there is a problem with the COMMUNICATION one.
If I listen to my wife talk for over 30 minutes I get in trouble and an irritated, "why aren't you saying anything?" Which is a trick question because if I give the honest answer of "because you've not stopped talking and we can't talk at the same time" I get in additional trouble.
My mom is a talker, so I tried an experiment once to see how long she would talk to me if I didn't say anything back. :whistling: She didn't appreciate it much :rotf: Yes, I am a terrible daughter.
(We actually talk on the phone almost every day now.)
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You work so she doesn't have to......+1
You demand that since she doesn't work she should get up early and cook you breakfast.....-1,000
You take her on vacation and eat every meal in very nice places......+1
You get her up early one morning and don't take her striaght to breakfast .......-1,000
You take her on a long driving tour of several states.......+1
You ask her to do a little of the driving one day.......-1,0000
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Needs a major fix,
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80) (-100000000000000000)
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From a woman's point of view.
Vacation is coming up, you tell her she should decide where to go, it makes no difference to you. -200
Is the minus sign a typo?
I would think allowing her to pick the vacation would be positive points.
Or do mean that he isn't going too?
I liked the herpes one that was funny.