Denninmi (4,037 posts) Sat Nov 10, 2012, 09:57 AM
Think I gotta make a run for it. Violated terms of my Parole, Cops want me dead. Mexico or Canada?
Yup, gotta go before they throw me back in prison. I violated the terms of my parole, and the probation officers are gunning for my head.
Wasn't a fair trial in the first place, how can it be when the prosecuting attorney is also the judge and jury? But that's life in the criminal justice system, you only make it if you have $$$ and can hire the best defense attorneys who bill at $350, $400 an hour. Hell, their paralegals bill at $200, $250. It ain't cheap, the common man gets thrown to the wolves and rots in jail.
Yup, violated the terms of my parole. Did stuff that I shouldn't have, got caught carrying. Damned dangerous stuff, too, looked like I was planning to take out an army of cops. Weights, elliptical machines, treadmills. Got caught with drug paraphenalia, too, Nike, New Balance, Champion, Camelbak. Probably worst of all, ,Cannondale, Specialized, Surly. Gotta ditch this shit fast before they find me with more and charge me with multiple counts. Some snitch saw me going into the dive bars and the crack houses, all violations, yup, REI, Dick's Sporting Goods, Dunham's, Cycletherapy, American Cycle and Fitness, Lifetime. Damned dangerous places full of other cons, another clear violation.
More they got on me, the longer the sentence. Better ditch that $3K bike, knew I was violating when I bought it, but got lucky, they didn't do a background check, and I lied on the forms. Better sell it in a back alley deal for 25 bucks before they get me for that, too. More they got on me, longer the time. Get enough on you, and it's three strikes and you're out, life without possibility of parole.
Cops are gunning for me, gotta run. Maybe go down to Nogales, pay a smuggler to get me across the border, cause I sure as Hell can't stay here, Marked Man, cops have it in for me. Shoot first, ask questions later. Don't know Spanish, but I'll pick up on it fast, for a ****ing criminal I ain't a stupid man. Gotta run for my life.
They don't care if you're smart. Hell, they don't care if you're educated, you're just so much human garbage now. And they want you to know it every minute of every day. They talk about "educating" you in the joint, they shove some damned crayons in front of you and ask you to color, then make you listen to new age music to calm you down, calm the rage inside over how they treat you. Tried to break me there, I wouldn't let them.
They thought I was listening to their damned music, I was doing what John McCain did to survive 7 years in Viet Kong prison, mind games to keep myself from breaking. Recited the alphabet backwards, calculated the value of 2 to the Xth power, sang songs of hope, pride and resistance, all in my mind while they tortured me. Tried to break my spirit, came damned close but I was tough, I didn't let them break me all the way. Most of the way, but one little part of my humanity stayed alive.
Yup, it's been one Hell of a ride. Caught red handed with the shit on me, what could I do. Didn't read me Miranda, but how in the Hell can I prove it, their word against mine. Threw me in a holding cell and roughed me up real bad, turned off the cameras to no one could see, then called it a "technical malfunction. Yeah, they beat the shit out of me, they tried to break me, tried to make me confess, wanted me to plead guilty, but the prosecutor wouldn't even offer a plea deal, they wanted me to do the full time.
And I served my sentence, every day of it. It was Hell. Sure, it had it's moments, made friends with the other inmates, got myself into a gang, ruled the place, always on the lookout for the guards, they'll rough you up for no reason at all, beat you till you bleed and laugh about it.
Then there was the damned prison shrink. Told me it was ok, wasn't my fault, shit happened to me as a kid, bad shit, old man used to beat the living crap out of me and laugh, just like the guards. Liked to point guns at me, too, just like the ****ing guards, they'll take you out for sport if they can, and plant something on the corpse so it looks like a justifiable kill. Cover up for each other, too. Yup, prison shrink sold me I was entitled to my feelings, was ok to get pissed, was ok to feel good about myself. He ****ing lied. Maybe he meant well, but he either lied or doesn't know his shit. Get out, and it's "feelin' fine is doing the crime."
Yup, screwed up parole real bad, did shit that was a violation. Thought it was ok at the time, thought the damned prison shrink knew what he was doing. Guess not, he tells me one thing, P.O.'s tell me the opposite. Who to believe, it's all a rigged game designed to trip you up so they can throw you back in for life.
Private, for-profit prisons are the worst. Don't give a damned how they treat you, rough you up, that's ok, no accountability. Give you shit to keep you docile, if you don't take it when they shove it in front of you, they rough you up, hold you down, and jab it in your arm or shove it down your throat. Nice cocktail, makes you feel like a damned zombie. Big mix, Abilify, Seroquel, Effoxor, Wellbutin, Prozac, Paxil, Oifwhatever shit they can find. Really fight them, the add Haldol, Thorazine, maybe some sodium pentathol to make you cry like a baby and tell them the shit you don't want them to know. Gotta keep you quiet, you know, so the guards can rape you. And no one believes you or gives a ****. They'll rape you all right, over and over again. Then laugh about it.
Get out, and it's parole for life. Hell, I'm lucky they didn't make me register with the cops like a pedophile. That's coming next, when they declare me a danger to the public, and take away the rest of my rights. P.O.'s watch me like hawks watch a rabbit, just waiting to pounce. Got to vote, probably the last time ever. Yup, they'll strip me of my rights, they already stripped everything else from me, why not that? I got no rights, I got no hope. They'll put me away for life for my crimes.
Sure, I did the crime, but it wasn't much, could have been a Hell of a lot worse, but it was bad enough in their eyes. Kangaroo court, though, didn't have a damned chance even if I was innocent, they only want to break you, break your spirit, make you give in and give up. That's what they really want, to suck the very soul out of you, bit by bit, until all that's left is an empty shell. Then they'll take that from you, too, it's either life in prison or death sentence. Of course, they can't get it over fast, gotta make it as slow and painful as possible. Death by 10,000 little cuts.
Then there's what they do to you on parole. Gotta check in all the time with your P.O., or they throw you back in. Gotta get a job and keep it, or it's a violation. But who wants to hire an ex-con? No one. Maybe let me dig ditches or scrub toilets if I'm lucky, and even then, the boss is always looking for you to screw up, too. Gotta pay restitution, and it's damned expensive. They'll take everything you got, and if you ain't got it, they'll take it out of your hide, garnish your wages if you're lucky enough to keep a job and get a check. They want to strip you down so you ain't got nothin' in life. Yup, that's all they really want to do, break you. Because if you think for yourself, you're damned dangerous. Surprised they didn't put a tether on me so they can watch my every move.
Family don't want you no more, think you're dangerous, think you're just a trouble maker. People are scared of you. They see you in public and cross the street to avoid you. Call you names, taunt you. Laugh about it. They don't give a **** how much it hurts, they laugh about it. No one gives a damned about you, and laugh while you cry. Yup, they just want to break you fast as they can.
You suffer, they laugh about it. I committed a misdemeanor, and they gave me life. Hell, no, they gave me death, they're just doing it real, real slow so it hurts damned bad. Because they want to remind you, ever minute of every day, that your crime was so bad you don't belong in society, you're dangerous. No forgiveness, no second chances. Just never-ending pain.
They want to break me, and laugh when they do it. They want a compliant serf who jumps when the lord of the manor says jump. They want to keep you down forever. I may go down, but I'll go down fighting. Not gonna pull a Thelma and Louise or a Butch and Sundance and jump off the cliff, but can't guarantee they won't take me down, death by cop sounds kinda humane now compared to the living Hell this is. Won't do myself in and give them the satisfaction, but they might do it to me. And then they would laugh about it over my cold dead corpse. Because you know, they think I deserve to die. They'd like it to be real slow and painful, but they don't give a damned how it happens as long as it happens. No hope for me, most of all, that's what they want to break, your will, your spirit, your humanity, your hope. Can't have hope when it's hopeless.
But if you let them take hope away, treat you like shit, they win. They can beat me, they can jail me, they can put me against the wall and shoot me, but I'll go down fighting, I'll be a John McCain to the bitter end. And in the end, as they put the hood over my head and get ready to spring the trap door, I'm going to smile because I know they never took away the one thing I have left, my pride.
Gotta run. Hope I make it. Via Con Dios. If I don't make it, think kindly of me. I'm not a bad man, just a man who got caught up in bad circumstances. The time was way more than the crime. They don't care, but I do. And I have that one little thing they can never take away from me. Pride.
Denninmi (4,037 posts) Sat Nov 10, 2012, 10:00 AM
1. Read Between the Lines, People. Draw the Analogies.
All I asked for was help, and to keep my dignity. All I got was ****ed over by the very people in the mental health system who I trusted to help me. They want to break me, want me to crumble and give in. **** that. I'm not a bad man, just got caught up in circumstances that went way beyond anything I thought would happen, and I'm apparently going to be punished for the rest of my life. Nothing I did justifies the way I was treated. Nothing. They can take everything away from me, everything I ever loved. But I will never let them take my soul. Never.
Denninmi (4,037 posts) Sat Nov 10, 2012, 12:17 PM
4. Positive? There were some positive.
In SPITE OF all of the shift they shoveled at me. That doesn't excuse in any way how they stripped me of my dignity and self -esteem.
Some good comes from every tragedy. McCain ended up in Congress, wouldn't have happened without the publicity of the experience. (Yeah, he's the other side of the aisle, but I still respect him for surviving, not very much for his politics.)
If that's how "the pro's" operate I want no part of it. A real pro with any humanity would have offered me choices, not illegal threats and ultimatums and intimidation under the cover of "doing what is best for the patient". How in the Hell is ruining my life in my best interest?
And then any positives that come out of it they take away by telling me it must be a symptom of my insanity.
You know why I love the gym so much? Because to them, I'm not some mental patient to be feared or ridiculed, I am just another middle aged guy who is working really hard in improving his life, and they are damned supportive and kind. I know the staff gets paid to do it, but they go way above and beyond.
But to some damned nurse who never met me before in my life it must be a sure sign of an impending manic breakdown, after listening to me talk for five minutes. Five minutes must be a popular timeframe to make a snap diagnosis.
Yeah, something is wrong, they ****ed me over like a twenty dollar hooker in a Detroit crack house.
And I was too upset and too stupid to fight for myself. I broke like a crystal vase thrown against a concrete wall.
I'm even starting to have nightmares about it, welcome to the land of PTSD. Just one more mental illness they can use as an excuse to throw me back in the slammer, this time no doubt it will be inpatient with a court order. It sure as Hell won't be voluntary. But hey, neither was the first time.
Denninmi (4,037 posts) Sat Nov 10, 2012, 12:41 PM
6. I don't need it, and I'm not gonna bother her on a weekend.
I appreciate your concern. Really.
I'm fine in that sense. No "crisis" here, came in from cleaning my gutters for a lunch break, that's all.
I' m pissed as Hell, I'm not "manic". I guess I am still entitled to my emotions until they shoot me so full of Haldol and Thorazine that I don't know my own name and I sit in a corner and drool on myself all day and piss my pants.
Denninmi (4,037 posts) Sat Nov 10, 2012, 05:47 PM
8. OK, EPIC RANTS -- OFF.
Sorry, friends and supporters. I know it's getting beyond tedious when I post over and over and over about the same exact thing. Especially when I do it for months on end in posts long enough to be a short story.
Rant off. I guess I find them very cathartic, but that doesn't mean I should inflict them on everyone else ad nauseum.
For the record, yes, I am furious about a lot of things, not just what I feel was done to me. Everything was coming out today, especially bitter memories of my father when I was a kid. Really bitter, in fact. I've shared this before, he was completely gone. When I was under about 8 or 9, I just wanted the kind of dad who would take me out in the back yard and throw a baseball to me. Instead, my father was a really creepy transvestite who would come home, pull all the drapes, go into the bathroom in his suit and tie, and come out a few minutes later in women's negligees, and a bra with enough foam padding to make Dolly Parton look flat chested. Nice thing to subject a young boy to, huh? It's amazing that I'm a normal heterosexual male with no kinky stuff hiding in the closet. Creeped me out when I saw 'Psycho' for the first time, my father was Norman Bates.
Later, of course, after my mother took all of his little kinky playthings out in the backyard, doused it with gasoline and had quite the bonfire, my father's hobby shifted to guns, oh yeah, someone who shouldn't be trusted with pointy scissors bought dozens of rifles and shotguns. And he enjoyed playing target practice on me while telling me I was a piece of shit. No ammo, of course, but he cocked the trigger more than once when I was in his sight.
I'm going to stop tormenting everyone here, and instead write all of this stuff out, probably pages of it, and take it to my weekly therapist appt. on Wednesday. I'll torment her instead, hey, it's her job, and I keep reminding her that I am great job security. This week's adventures alone should give the two of us enough to chew on until about February --- of 2015 .
Finally, yes, I am OK. I worked out first thing this morning, and then came home, cleaned the leaves from my gutters and the big leaf piles in corners from the wind caused by Sandy moving to our east last week. Now going out for a ride, pretty warm here for November in Detroit. Not a weeping mess, not a manic fool. Mad, yes, out of control, my short story post not withstanding, no.
Thanks for bearing with me.
Denninmi (4,037 posts) Sat Nov 10, 2012, 08:48 PM
10. Tobin, by now you should know
I'm a 47 year old Drama King (damn, that is just stupid).
Well, hey, as a rant it's pretty far out there.
Might be the bones of a good short story with a re-write and a lot of editing.
Gonna save the rants for my therapist, she is paid to listen. She has no choice!
I'm ok, really. Just wish the roller coaster would stop so I can get off the ride
More later, too hard to type on an iPod touch.
(http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs2/1744680_o.gif)
Seriously.
I think Skins should ban mentally-ill primitives from hanging around; it'd be for their own good.
I agree but that would be difficult for him to do, and he'd have to set some sort of cut-off point because if he banned every single person that had some sort of mental illness all that would be left would be the moles.
That there is a whole mess of crazy.
And I have that one little thing they can never take away from me. Pride.
Wait, DUmmie! Just move to a blue state like MI. You can get elected to office handily just like Brian Banks http://www.9and10news.com/story/20027085/8-time-felon-wins-state-house-seat-in-michigan
Dennis the Menace does live in Michigan.
Somewhere near Detroit.
I think we have found a long lost relative of the undergroundpanther.This one makes her look normal.
Why isn't he taking his place amongst the great Democrat elected body then? He's a shoe-in!
I would say the Denninmi primitive is one of the more sane on the island. At least he knows he's messed up. The rest of them are and don't even know it.
It's really bad; there's some heavy stuff in here that Dennis the Menace probably shouldn't have shared with the primitives.
I think we have found a long lost relative of the undergroundpanther.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
At least he still thinks he's human.
Seriously.
I think Skins should ban mentally-ill primitives from hanging around; it'd be for their own good.
That there is a whole lot more than a mess of crazy. That there is wholesale crazy. :cheersmate: