The Conservative Cave
The Bar => Comedy Central => Topic started by: Kyle Ricky on April 26, 2012, 07:38:13 PM
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I am in a giving mood. So anyone who tells me a funny joke and make me laugh, will get a hi5 ...
And just as a warning. Pig fell in the mud is not a funny joke :lmao:
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Whddayacalla fly with no wings?
A walk.
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My favorite, because it's practically my biography; I tell it every October, on the anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar.
One day Admiral Lord Nelson was abovedecks scanning the horizon, when the guy up in the crows' nest hollered down to him, "Hey Admiral Lord Nelson, there's a French ship out there."
Admiral Lord Nelson nodded, and turning to his assistant, "Go down belowdecks and get my red coat."
The assistant came back with the red coat, and inquired, "Hey Admiral Lord Nelson, how come every time we see an enemy ship, you ask for your red coat?"
Admiral Lord Nelson turned to him and said, "You see, if I get wounded in battle, the red covers the blood, and the crew doesn't see I'm wounded, and so don't lose heart."
A few minutes later, the guy up in the crows' nest hollered down, "Hey Admiral Lord Nelson, there's the whole French fleet out there."
Admiral Lord Nelson looked at his assistant and ordered, "Go down belowdecks and get my brown pants."
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What is the difference between a wife and mistress?
45 pounds
What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes
And last but not least if the dove is the bird of peace what is the bird of true love?
The swallow :tongue:
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My favorite, because it's practically my biography; I tell it every October, on the anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar.
One day Admiral Lord Nelson was abovedecks scanning the horizon, when the guy up in the crows' nest hollered down to him, "Hey Admiral Lord Nelson, there's a French ship out there."
Admiral Lord Nelson nodded, and turning to his assistant, "Go down belowdecks and get my red coat."
The assistant came back with the red coat, and inquired, "Hey Admiral Lord Nelson, how come every time we see an enemy ship, you ask for your red coat?"
Admiral Lord Nelson turned to him and said, "You see, if I get wounded in battle, the red covers the blood, and the crew doesn't see I'm wounded, and so don't lose heart."
A few minutes later, the guy up in the crows' nest hollered down, "Hey Admiral Lord Nelson, there's the whole French fleet out there."
Admiral Lord Nelson looked at his assistant and ordered, "Go down belowdecks and get my brown pants."
That was funny how can I give you a high five?
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That was funny how can I give you a high five?
"High-5"s are given by punching on the blue [High Five] thingamajig to the left of each comment.
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Lol, they are some good ones. Frank, I heard that one before from Bill Engvall.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqHPqTDHxJs[/youtube]
They tell their favorite jokes, and the brown pants is part of it.
That was funny how can I give you a high five?
Once you hit 100 posts, you will have the option available :)
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"High-5"s are given by punching on the blue [High Five] thingamajig to the left of each comment.
He's not "there" yet, but he does owe you one.
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Lol, they are some good ones. Frank, I heard that one before from Bill Engvall.
They tell their favorite jokes, and the brown pants is part of it.
In my lifelong occupation of being deaf, I usually wear brown pants or shorts (depending upon the weather).
It helps when dealing with abrupt surprises one walks into.
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In my lifelong occupation of being deaf, I usually wear brown pants or shorts (depending upon the weather).
It helps when dealing with abrupt surprises one walks into.
I know what you mean. lol
Keep them coming guys. I love a good joke. :-)
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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,†but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,†but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf: Zeitgeist, that is hilarious. LOL
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I am in a giving mood. So anyone who tells me a funny joke and make me laugh, will get a hi5 ...
A Russian and American and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "we were the first in space!". The American said," We were the first on the moon!". The blonde said "so what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads." You can't land on the sun, you idiot, you'll burn up!", said the Russian. To which blonde replied, " We're NOT stupid you know, we're going at night!"
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A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"
"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"
"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.
"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
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Good ones Cactus and Zeus. I like those. I am going to share that one with my pastor, Zeus. :rofl:
^5 to everyone on here. Keep them coming ..... :cheersmate:
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The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So.... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord
while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"The Lord smiled and replied,
"Who's he going to tell?"
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A Priest, a pedophile, and a child molester walk into a bar, and that was just the first guy.
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lol, good ones. I am going to share that with my pastor also, zeus.
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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. " Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, " How can I get to the other side?". The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river and shouts back, " You ARE on the other side."
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LOL, good one, Cactus.
Keep them coming.
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An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
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An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
:rotf: :rotf:
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OK. This was in the news. In the Mediterranean, two tanker ships collided and sank. One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint.
.......................Its feared the survivors are marooned...
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Wait! Wait! I got another one!
OK, this plane full of circus performers goes down in a dark jungle. All the circus folk were eaten by cannibals.
Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and said..."Does this taste funny to you?"
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A cannibal passed his mother in law in the woods.
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There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
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^Good one Zeus !
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^^ LOL, they are some good ones. ^5 guys ...
Keep them coming. I am really enjoying reading them. :-)
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A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
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:rotf: That is great, Zeus.
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One Sunday service the Pastor, and the music minister were out of synch. After a rousing fire and brimstone message about the evils of alcohol, the Pastor finished his sermon entreating the congregation to throw every bit of demon alcohol into the rive. Without missing a beat the music minister began the post sermon song with "Shall we gather at the river".
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The Arrogance of Authority
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........!!"
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^^ HAHA, great ones guys. I like that "Your badge, show him your badge!" :rotf: ^5 to the both of you.
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Two Jewish gentlemen, long-time friends, happened to meet, and one noticed that the other seemed depressed.
"What's wrong?" he asked
"There's terrible trouble in my family, " the first fellow said. "I sent my son to Israel so that he would come home a better Jew and believe it or not, he came home a Christian."
"It's funny that you should mention that," said the second man. "Exactly the same thing happened to me. I sent my son to Israel so that he'd become a better Jew, and he too, came home a Christian."
They both decided to seek the advice of their rabbi. They went and told their rabbi what had happened in their families.
"It's funny that you should mention that," said the rabbi, "because exactly the same thing happened in our family. I sent my only son to Israel in hope that he would become a better Jew, and, believe it not, he also came home a Christian."
At that, the three men fell to their knees, and with tears streaming down their faces, addressed God the Father Almighty directly. When each of them told the Lord their stories, they heard a voice from heaven reply: "It's funny that you should mention that . . ."
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^^ lol, good one zeus. :lmao:
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Both of them were great
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’ Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!â€
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, " If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, " Is it on or off ?"
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LOL. Good ones guys. I heard that one before Zeus. It makes me laugh every time I hear it. ^5's
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to be know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?
(Are you ready ???)
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Definition of an outdoor bar-b-que...it's the only type of cooking "real men" will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to check on the vegetables and set the table.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off."
And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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What is a cat?
Consider the evidence:
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg.
Conclusion:
They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
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Good ones, CG. lol. ^5
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This was nominated "Best E-Mail of 1997".
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service: Morny. Ruin Sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"
RS: "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"
G: "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please"
RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means'."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English Muffin!! I've got it!! You were saying 'Toast'! Fine! Yes, an English Muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymund"
G: "You're welcome!"
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There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went for a walk to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to investigate, and the farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pullet." The city boy, confused, asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pullet is a female chicken." The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens - one under each arm.
A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He inquired, and the man selling it said, "The ass is $15." The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey outside in your yard." The man just said, "That's an ass." The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh," and bought the donkey. As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait! The ass occasionally gets a bit stubborn about moving, and you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."
So as the city boy is going back home, the donkey stops dead in its tracks, and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this, a beautiful woman walks up and asks him if he needs help. The city boy thinks, "Hey, why don't I try to impress this lady by using the country terms that I learned today?" So he says to her, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
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This was nominated "Best E-Mail of 1997".
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service: Morny. Ruin Sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"
RS: "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"
G: "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please"
RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means'."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English Muffin!! I've got it!! You were saying 'Toast'! Fine! Yes, an English Muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymund"
G: "You're welcome!"
:rotf:
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What do you call a group of contentious registered attendees at a chess tournament, inside the front door of the convention center?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer !
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I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"Freakin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
:-)
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Cephas asked Willard..."Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our tea during the war, to make us forget about women?"
"I think you mean saltpeter!"
"Yeap, that's the stuff.... I think it's beginning to work!!
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lowfreeboard/Saltpeter.jpg)
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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These have been funny
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These have been funny
Yeah, I like reading them.
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the toilet. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a Mars Bar.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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LOL. I like that CG. I just started working out again after a few years of not doing it. So I can relate to her pretty well. :rofl:
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He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail. This 55th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table, the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!" The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes†or did she say “No?†He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her: "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes†or did you say “No?â€
"Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will’ And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!â€
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Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough.
After awhile, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar"? The woman shakes her head NO! "Kin ya breathe"? The woman begins to turn BLUE, eyes widen and again shakes her head NO!
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right cheek a long lick....
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstrution flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never see nobody do it!"
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Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough.
After awhile, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar"? The woman shakes her head NO! "Kin ya breathe"? The woman begins to turn BLUE, eyes widen and again shakes her head NO!
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right cheek a long lick....
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstrution flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never see nobody do it!"
:rotf: :lmao:
h5
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman enter the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. What luck he thought as she took the seat right beside his!
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in New York.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he exclaimed. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
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"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."
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On a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans...
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough.
After awhile, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar"? The woman shakes her head NO! "Kin ya breathe"? The woman begins to turn BLUE, eyes widen and again shakes her head NO!
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right cheek a long lick....
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstrution flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never see nobody do it!"
:rotf: Good one.
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Todd Palin was out fishing with a couple of his daughters; he had remembered to pack them lunches of moose bologna sandwiches and filet of walrus, but forgot to bring anything for himself.
He took his cell phone out and called back to the house and explained the situation. Sarah dutifully got up and made him a sandwich-- polar bear sirloin, I think-- and one for herself, and
walked out to the boat with them.
You know, that was funnier in my head. What do you think?
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Well, you're missing a punch line.
Like what Sarah said when she got out to the boat:
"When I stand on this sandwich, I can see Russia from here!"
Something like that, anyway....
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Well, you're missing a punch line.
Like what Sarah said when she got out to the boat:
"When I stand on this sandwich, I can see Russia from here!"
Something like that, anyway....
But first, I have to stack the sandwich on top of all the magazines I read.
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But first, I have to stack the sandwich on top of all the magazines I read.
Well, that's better than stacking the magazines on top of the sandwich.
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When I was 13, I hoped one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so, I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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When I was 13, I hoped one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so, I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
haha. My first "Real" girlfriend had a nice set on her. We were both 18 and she was a DD redhead. Man was she fun.. ^5
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I would like to date a girl with huge...tracts of land.
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I would like to date a girl with huge...tracts of land.
It was great. That is for sure.
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Subject: FW: THE DAUGHTER
THE DAUGHTER
My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. She actually said...
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President
Obama's reelection campaign."
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Subject: FW: THE DAUGHTER
THE DAUGHTER
My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. She actually said...
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President
Obama's reelection campaign. Before the baby's born, of course."
FIFY
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Subject: FW: THE DAUGHTER
THE DAUGHTER
My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. She actually said...
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President
Obama's reelection campaign."
^5. Good one.
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This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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A pilot dies and goes to "H" "e" double toothpicks.
Satan is there to meet him and give him the grand tour.
Satan tells the pilot he is able to in effect choose his own eternal damnation fate.
Satan leads our intrepid pilot down a corridor that is populated with many doors.
The first door leads into the cockpit of an airliner filled with passengers queasy because of the weather they are stuck in.
The copilot is at the controls sweating bullets because he is low on fuel, only enough to land immediately, and still in the clouds, just above decision height, where hopefully he will break out of the clouds, see the runway a half mile, and safely land.
But he is stuck in that moment for the rest of eternity.
The next door is materially the same except the airliner is at decision height, and although weather is reported to be at minimums, there is still no visibility in any direction, and that crew will be there trapped in that moment for the rest of eternity.
By now they reach the end of the hall with an arrow pointing to the right that says "pilots"
Of course, our intrepid pilot ignores the sign, turns left, and before Satan can stop him, he opens the next door.
This cockpit is staffed with beautiful stewardesses, the weather is great, the fuel tanks are full, the scenery is beautiful....
I have to go now, but I will finish when I get back. Don't worry, it's worth waiting for, I hope !
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Obama fell in the mud. :lmao:
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An older guy suspected his wife of fooling around on him due to past suspicious activity. So he decided to go find a sor of "guard. He goes to the pet shop, and searches feverishly for animals that may work. After searching for a while, he comes across an unusual parrot with no legs. He consults the guy behind the counter, and asks him how he's staying on the perch, and if it's a good guard animal.
Well, he hears everything that goes on in the pet shop all the time, but he doesn't have any legs. The only way he stays on that perch is wrapping his dick around it."
The husband think for a while, and decides to take the bird home with him. So he gotes to work the next day like always. When he comes home, he consults his new pet.
"What happened while I was gone, bird?"
"Well, about an hour after you left, a different man came through the door. He and your wife went at it right away. There was kissing, massaging, rubbing, and touching. Then they got undrressed, and went into the living room...."
The bird paused for a minute.
What happened next, bird!?"
"I dunno. I got a hard on, and fell off the perch."
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A pilot dies and goes to "H" "e" double toothpicks.
Satan is there to meet him and give him the grand tour.
Satan tells the pilot he is able to in effect choose his own eternal damnation fate.
Satan leads our intrepid pilot down a corridor that is populated with many doors.
The first door leads into the cockpit of an airliner filled with passengers queasy because of the weather they are stuck in.
The copilot is at the controls sweating bullets because he is low on fuel, only enough to land immediately, and still in the clouds, just above decision height, where hopefully he will break out of the clouds, see the runway a half mile, and safely land.
But he is stuck in that moment for the rest of eternity.
The next door is materially the same except the airliner is at decision height, and although weather is reported to be at minimums, there is still no visibility in any direction, and that crew will be there trapped in that moment for the rest of eternity.
By now they reach the end of the hall with an arrow pointing to the right that says "pilots"
Of course, our intrepid pilot ignores the sign, turns left, and before Satan can stop him, he opens the next door.
This cockpit is staffed with beautiful stewardesses, the weather is great, the fuel tanks are full, the scenery is beautiful....
One stewardess is giving the pilot a manicure, one stewardess is giving the first officer a pedicure.
Another stewardess is giving the flight engineer a massage, the stews are also bringing coffee, deli food, anything the pilots want, for eternity.
Our intrepid pilot immediately says, this is where I want to be for all eternity.
Satan says, this is stewardess hell.
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The story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
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A horse, a ho, and Matthew Broderick's wife walk into a bar... :popcorn:
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The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.