The Conservative Cave
Current Events => The DUmpster => Topic started by: FlippyDoo on November 05, 2011, 09:38:23 PM
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FlippyDoo: Hello out there. Last month during a discussion about racism and scarecrows jukin asked if I knew any fictional spirit-guide scarecrows. I'm sad to admit that at the time I did not, but that has changed. Today we have a very special guest. I've searched and actually found a scarecrow fictional spirit-guide. His name is Joe. Thanks for coming today Joe.
Joe: You're welcome.
FlippyDoo: Before we get started I'd like to ask you if scarecrows are racist.
Joe: No.
FlippyDoo: I'm sorry. I mean do you think that hanging a scarecrow in a tree is racist?
Joe: An effigy?
FlippyDoo: No. Not an effigy. An actual scarecrow. Do you think that hanging an actual scarecrow in a tree is racist?
Joe: Probably not.
FlippyDoo: Have you ever been hung from a tree?
Joe: Yes.
FlippyDoo: Why?
Joe: To scare crows.
FlippyDoo: You don't talk much do you?
Joe: No.
FlippyDoo: Okay. Would you be willing to tell us why I invited you here today?
Joe: Yes.
FlippyDoo: Well go ahead and tell us.
Joe: I channel DUers.
FlippyDoo:They speak through you when you channel them?
Joe: Yes.
FlippyDoo:Any particular DUer?
Joe: Any DUer.
FlippyDoo: Could we request a specific DUer?
Joe: Doesn't work that way.
FlippyDoo: But we can ask them questions?
Joe: Yes
FlippyDoo: Questions like who they are?
Joe: No.
FlippyDoo: Why?
Joe: Don't really know.
FlippyDoo: Okay…I think. I guess why don't you go ahead and do some channeling.
Channeling Joe: Hello
FlippyDoo: Are you a DUer?
Channeling Joe: Among other things.
FlippyDoo: What other things?
Channeling Joe: Oh too many to list.
FlippyDoo: Why don't you tell us about your most exciting "things".
Channeling Joe: I really don't know where to start. I'm a leading contender for the Dynamic Orator of the Year award.
FlippyDoo: What is the Dynamic Orator of the Year award?
Channeling Joe: The Dynamic Orator of the Year award, or DOTY award, is given yearly by some website called the Conserving Cave. Or something like that. Oh there is also the fact that I'm an ESFMSTDM
FlippyDoo:I really don't think the DOTY award is what you think it is, but that really doesn't matter. Tell me, what is a ESFMSTDM?
Channeling Joe: Emergency Special Forces Medical SWAT Technician and Disaster Manager.
FlippyDoo: Really? What does a ESFMSTDM do?
Channeling Joe: Lots of things. Especially to do with combat and disasters. If you were on a battleground and had kidney failure I could do I kidney transplant AND give you a quick facelift.
FlippyDoo: Wow!
Channeling Joe: Oh yes and remember the television show McGuyver? The McGuyver character is based on me. Of course they had to dumb the character down some for television.
FlippyDoo: That's very interesting. Let me ask you this. Let's say you're in a combat type situation. Two bad guys have taken and wounded a hostage. Both the bad guys and the hostage are behind a brick wall. What would you do as a ESFMSTDM?
Channeling Joe: First you would need to get the cosign of the wall.
FlippyDoo: Cosign? Someone cosigned something to do with the wall?
Channeling Joe: NO! Cosign! It's a trig function. We learned little things like them functions in school I'm not surprised that you don't know them. Now they don't teach you them functions and things.
FlippyDoo: Oh. I think you may mean cosine. The problem is that cosine has to do with angles. Not walls. I suppose if the wall was angled you could get the cosine of the angle of the wall.
Channeling Joe: You don't know them functions very well. It's to be expected. Look it up.
FlippyDoo: I know a little about functions. Not much, but a little. You're a smart one though. You obviously have a lot of knowledge on the subject. Would you be willing to take part in a quick little test? Just to display your vast knowledge?
Channeling Joe: Yes.
FlippyDoo: Okay. What is the law of sines?
Channeling Joe: The law of signs determines the distance that them signs need to be from them roadways. Oh and little things like how large them letters need to be on the signs. And yes...also the sign coloring.
FlippyDoo: Really? What about the law of tangents?
Channeling Joe: The law of tan gents says that the more a man is tanned the more he can stay in the sun without them rays bothering him. I really ought to get around to writing a primer about the law of tan gents. Too many people here in Murika don't know these things. It's sad.
FlippyDoo: Well alrighty then. How about telling us about the Pythagorean Theorem?
Channeling Joe: The pithagkorean theorem is really simple. It is the idea that them pith helmets are better when made with pith from Korea because of their agricultural techniques used to grow pith. Oh and the yartoffa tree from the southern low country produces the best pith.
FlippyDoo: I think you may be confused. I'm pretty sure that there is no such thing as a yartoffa tree, and I'm positive that the Pythagorean Theorem has nothing to do with pith helmets.
Channeling Joe: It's understandable that you don't know these things. The Murkin schools are to blame.
FlippyDoo: No. It's nothing to do with the schools. The Pythagorean Theorem has absolutely nothing to do with pith helmets.
Channeling Joe: Look it up!
FlippyDoo: I tell you what. I have a laptop here. You can look it up for us. [turns computer around]
Channeling Joe: [types in P-I--T-H-A-G-K-O-R-E-A-N--T-H-E-O-R-E-M and stares silently at the results before speaking] It's happened! I knew it would! It's all in the script!
FlippyDoo: What are you talking about?
Channeling Joe: The search results say that my spelling is in error and that the theorem has to do with mathematics. This can only mean that The Google has been infiltrated by agent provocateurs.
FlippyDoo: Infiltrated?
Channeling Joe: Yes! It's simple to see for anyone who knows trends. Just like 1894. You should get milk. Oh and it has to be canned.
FlippyDoo: 1894? And canned milk?
Channeling Joe: I haven't got the time to educate you about them simple things. I've got to get to DU and tell them folks how to handle this disaster. We've crossed the Rubicon, but it'll be okay if they'll just listen to me. I'm heading to my hat rack.
Joe: Hello?
FlippyDoo: Is that you back with us Joe?
Joe: Yes.
FlippyDoo: You okay?
Joe: I feel dumber.
FlippyDoo: Don't we all buddy. Don't we all. See you guys later. Have a good Thanksgiving month.
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:rofl: :rotf: That was good. :evil:
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:rotf: To good!
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Hi5 :-) :-)
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There needs to be an awards show for this - with a category for 'Best interview given by a fictional spirit guide'.. Well, and a category for 'Best nachos served at a Mexican restaurant'.. and 'Best shade of the color green' - But I digress - well done, oh winged and furry one..
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^5! :lmao:
Damn, that was FUnnie! :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: