The Conservative Cave
The Bar => The Lounge => Topic started by: asdf2231 on April 27, 2008, 09:19:57 PM
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I'm tired.
I did a little over 500 miles today and wound up in Mitchell, South Dakota at a Best Western motor lodge.
Last night was harder than I thought it would be. I tucked my son in and then went back in his room and laid alongside him when he came out to blow his nose because of the tears.
I had to explain that I wasn't going to get eaten by a bear or a cougar and that I would be home before he knew it. I just laid next to him and held him and told him Don't you worry about a thing because every little thing was going to be alright. My daughter turns 14 in two weeks so she has a better grasp of time. She acted very brave and grown up about the whole thing because she is at the stage of her life where she is turning into an adult and is trying the role on for size. My wife just held me close and told me "Silly man, quit worrying."
The kids each gave me things to take with me. My son offered up his small stuffed sea turtle. In Korea turtles are considered good luck and ever since we lived there it has become a running thing then when you take a long journey, you take a turtle along. There is a small plastic one in my wife's car and a tiny crystal one in mine for everyday trips, but when you venture forth you pack some heavier duty Turtlepower. My daughter offered up a small porcelain frog and a tiny Celtic medallion in the form of a Brigid's Shield with a blue stone set in the center. It was her favorite necklace when she was tiny and we always associated it with her safety. St. Brigid's Shield held over her, warding her from harm. She had lost the thong that it hung on. Superstitious bastard that I am, I took it and crafted a helluva good luck charm. Hanging over my work bench in the garage was a small signal mirror that had ridden in my Dad's survival kit from his many years as a flight engineer in Navy aircraft. I remember playing with it a ton when I was a small child myself. I clipped the sweat stained nylon cord off the mirror and attached the medallion to it, leaving my fathers ancient, complicated sailor's knot joining the cord together intact. It will remain around my neck and close to my heart until I return home again.
I didn't hurry along today. I woke up at 8am in my wife's arms and she finally got a little forlorn about my leaving today. She told me that it occurred to her that if she never let me go then I wouldn't be able to go. But she did. With a smile eventually. Slow breakfast with the kids and cramming last minute things into the truck and I got on the road about 11am feeling very conflicted. Part of me wanted to turn around before I hit the interstate. The rest of me was almost singing out in triumph. I should make 500 miles a day in order to reach Washington State by May 1st. Other than that for the first time in 14 years I have no other pressing priorities. I have no set schedule on when to rise and depart, no limitations on how I make the distance. When I arrive I have no set plans. I unpack and then see what I need to pick up to stock the cabin. And then for 4 weeks my time is my own to do whatever the hell I feel like doing. No events scheduled to run at set times or seminars or people to meet for drinks or dinner like my usual get-aways. No worries about when to hit the road on Sunday morning to be home to make dinner leading into children's bedtimes and the eventual re-donning of the mantle of parental duties that revolve around the coming week. No worries about getting called out for emergencies. Not. A. Damn. Thing. Except the road and the travel.
And the hole in my heart right now that the people that I love and share my life normally fill with their bustle and goings-on that make up a home. As enjoyable as the feeling of freedom is I miss my wife of 16 years and my kids. I suspect that will get easier because they are never far from me no matter how far west I go. But for right now the motel room is too empty and quiet and I miss them all terribly. Things will sort out.
I could have flown. Hell, I could have taken my time away in the Mid-West. But there is something of significance about going West till the land ends. Call me a traditionalist. I have always loved the plains and the mountains and high country of Wyoming. When I married the only place I had ever really been was the time miss-spent in Tulsa, Oklahoma and the trips there and back. Born on the East Coast, moved to Wisconsin when I was 6. Went to Illinois a bit and parts of Minnesota. Other than that... We left for Yellowstone the day after we married and I saw the plains and a bit of the west. Four years later I had been in three other countries in the Far East and lived abroad there for two years. Six years after that and I had managed to see most of the country from coast to coast. But the Pacific North-West is magical to me. In 1993 we drove from Las Vegas to Olympia WA and then hit the coast and spent two weeks driving from WA to Northern California down 101 camping the whole way. I never did get to see the forests of Washington and northern Oregon. Which is why I chose to take this walkabout where I did. In all my travels I have never really been where the sidewalks end. Yellowstone was the closest but it is almost like visiting a combination museum and captive wild game park. This is going to be something different. I had originally looked at Alaska, but the logistics were pretty dismal and the wilderness there is very good at punishing the unwary and the untried. By contrast the wilderness areas in Washington are sort of like the kiddy pool for outward bounding.
509 miles today. Back in the day the trip west took about four months and you were lucky if you made 20 miles a day without serious peril. I came out of the bluff and hill country around the Mississippi River and hit the plains doing 80mph with a satellite telling me exactly where my car was and "Closer to fine" by the Indigo Girls playing on the stereo while the miles rolled by. If I have a breakdown as a solo traveler it's a bit of a wait till AAA shows up with a wrecker. A slightly different experience than what befell a solo wagon breaking down in the Dakota plains 150 years ago. Their bones still lay beneath the prairie sod in so very many unmarked graves. A broken leg back then was an invitation to infection fever and death. Cholera and typhus. Robbers, Indians, weather and just plain bad luck could take you at any stage of the trip. I think about that when I drive across these plains. My grandmother went from no electricity to a world that had zero-g toilets that men were using in orbit during the span of her life. The changes over the course of my life have been less spectacular but no less significant. I wonder what the travelers who took wagons west would think of my own silver truck speeding me along. I have a rifle in a boot riding in the cargo area and a .45 along but light years separate the things that make up the brand of early pioneers and shmucks like me.
I'm tired and should probably get some food before bed. A few cups of coffee have helped shake off the day. I'm content right now to be concentrating on the travel. The travel is the easy part. It's what I will find at the end that has my stomach fluttering in anticipation and excitement. Even with all the wrapped up ambivalence... I feel very much alive in a way I have not in living memory. Tomorrow is more of the tans and greens of the prairie rolling down the miles till the foothills and the mountains. Sufficient unto the day...
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Thanks for the trek update! I look forward to reading more of your journey across the country. I am a little disappointed you didn't stop at my house for coffee.... I made cinnamon rolls this morning. :-)
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don't forget to check out the corn palace in Mitchell before you go on
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Thanks for the trek update! I look forward to reading more of your journey across the country. I am a little disappointed you didn't stop at my house for coffee.... I made cinnamon rolls this morning. :-)
Holy Gee!
I forgot, you live in the twin cities don't you?
My brother lives in White Bear.
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don't forget to check out the corn palace in Mitchell before you go on
NOT my first rodeo, lol. ;)
We saw the corn palace a couple years ago. It was though as I recall a drive-by.
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Thanks for the trek update! I look forward to reading more of your journey across the country. I am a little disappointed you didn't stop at my house for coffee.... I made cinnamon rolls this morning. :-)
Holy Gee!
I forgot, you live in the twin cities don't you?
My brother lives in White Bear.
On your way home maybe? That would be fun, just drop me a PM.
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I loved reading your post! This would make a great book. I hope you plan on journaling.
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Interesting read! Be safe, enjoy yourself and keep us posted.
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A shade over 600 miles today.
Most of it was a tawny blur of prairie dotted with sage and patches of greenery. There was the pinkish asphalt, the grass and the collected works of Johnny Cash to help fill the time.
If you have never driven I-90 west, about 85 miles from the border of South Dakota, you sweep around a curve and the Black Hills are suddenly there as a hazy bluish smear on the horizon.
It's kind of jarring after the endless rolling tan hills and it is the first promise of the high country that lies ahead. My Garmin routed me on a state highway, 212, north and west from Belle Fourche rather than the usual route straight out on the interstate. It was an interesting ride. 150-170 miles of high prairie rolling off into the distance. Herds of black cattle and pronghorns. the soil torn and rent by the jagged creeks and the odd gulch. And nothing else for almost a hundred miles. Except for the 25 or 30 miles of construction equipment that had torn the road down to a single lane in some places. Thank you Garmin. :censored:
Other than the happy news about our wayward cat returning to the fold it was a very uneventful day. Motion and music. 85 mph for the bulk, gas stops and bathroom breaks. Travel Zen. That nice feeling where moving down the road is at the time just as satisfying as the idea of actually going anywhere. I pulled into the Holiday Inn in Billings Montana and booked a nice room and collapsed with room service, coffee and a hot bath in that order.
Two more legs until I get to the forest and the cabin. From here to Idaho and into eastern Washington and then the home stretch from Spokane to Hoodsport. I feel disconnected, as I always seem to feel when I am bouncing from hotel to hotel. Kind of a generic blur of furnishings and vague good manners from the staff interspersed with forgettable meals and that sort of lost feeling from occupying temporary space.
I want to be at the end of the trip so I can really unpack and finally decompress. I am wondering if the Pacific is still the same blue that I remember so well. I wonder what I will find under the boughs of the forest and in the high green places. And what I will find in myself when I am where I have chosen to go.
In spite of the monotony of the travel, today was the first time where my pulse quickened a little bit at the sights appearing around each turn. I pulled over and stretched my legs a bit on the high grass here in Montana and took in the smell of the damp red earth and the sage. I watched a hawk hunt for his lunch and heard the sounds of the cattle lowing off in the distance under the murmur of the wind. It was the first time that I think I really realized what an adventure I am setting out on. What a gift I have been handed. 500 miles to do tomorrow. I have never seen Idaho and I will be passing through the northern tip of the Rockies on the way. Then into the evergreen state and what awaits there I can't say.
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It's good to hear the trip is going okay. :)
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Glad the cat came home! Keep us posted on the trip.
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Stickied for asdf to continue to update! Look forward to the next installment, bud. Godspeed!
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Going until the land stops. Steinbeck said the same thing. Great minds, ASDF! Best of luck on your journey.
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Another 500 miles today, roughly.
Billings Montana to Coeur d'Alene Idaho. 12 scant miles from the border of Washington state. The drive was... Interesting. I saw the first REAL mountains of the trip just after setting out from Billings.
Everything up till now had been foothills and butte country. It has been a few years since I have driven in the mountains. I can authoritatively say that the United States should never go to war with Canada.
After driving behind these people up the continental divide it can be affirmed that they absolutely do not know how to yield. Warren Zevon and the Who sped me along through the Rockies today in style. A little snow on the ground up there and a lot of rain coming down.
It was interesting driving through Montana to see the sprawling modern day equivalent of the old west bunk houses on the ranches. Small RV trailers and mobile homes grouped around corrals and feeding stations.
After passing through cattle range after cattle range with a few horse herds mixed in, I looked out the window and was surprised to see a hundred or so llamas milling around one pasture. I wondered idly if the cowboys who took care of them took shit from the other ones. Cattlemen look askance at sheep herders as it is. I guess the sheep herders have someone they can lord it over as well. I gassed up in the middle of the mountains at the Rock Creek Trailer Court, Bar, Resort, Gas Station and General Store. Home of what I can only assume is Montana's only "Testicle Festival". As seen in "Hustler" according to one of the signs. :)
The country flattens out from here till I cross the Cascade mountains and then swing around Puget Sound for the cabin, which is just west of the Hood Canal, the Sound's western most finger. I contacted the cabin owner today and chatted for a bit and asked some questions. My biggest shock is that "He" was a "She". Hispanic last name and a first name of "Angel". I mistakenly assumed I was exchanging emails with a guy, lol. I will pull into the cabin tomorrow around 6pm or so. By good luck there is an internet cafe/coffee house 5 miles down the road next to the resort in Hoodsport, so I will be able to check email once in a while perhaps. But the cabin itself is pretty stark as far as modern techno comforts.
There has not been room for a lot of introspection on the trip so far. The first night was kind of like the ache from a raw wound. "What the hell am I doing here, I must be nuts..." Hard to get to sleep, hard to wake up and turn the truck West rather than speeding back East to comfort and routines and the people that I love. At this point after 1,500 miles I am just bone weary and looking forward to getting out of the damn truck and unpacking. My throat is a little raw from the cigarettes and my stomach is unhappy with the cooled coffee and road food. it will be good to spread out in the quiet little cottage that awaits and after taking a breather for a day or two, start to see what is out there. I have 5-6 days of writing that needs to be done over the course of May. That may take first priority, but I am itching to get out in the wild green places and follow my feet and my nose. And the ocean awaits. I have always loved the sea. My father spent so much of his life on it. Some of my earliest memories were family vacations to beaches in Rhode Island and Connecticut. Park me on a beach and let me watch the waves and listen to the boom of the surf and the keening of the gulls and I am a generally content creature. Stick me on a boat and I am in Nirvana.
I miss my wife and kids like I would miss my arm if it were taken. I find myself reaching out for something and finding that my phantom fingers are grasping the air. The phone calls have helped a lot but they won't be practical after today. What has me the most curious is if I will like the guy I am spending the next month with. We all have our routines that we either take comfort in or use to avoid stress or anger. I think what may have prompted this is that I realized that my whole life had become a series of routines. Nice ones to be sure, for the most part. But your routines can get to be more than a crutch to ease you through your days. If you fall into the wrong ones or just find yourself captive to them they can become walls higher than any prison's. I started to think of my life's routines as the standard operating procedures and started resenting the things that should have been a break from the every-day grind as intrusions ON the every-day grind... if that makes any sense at all. So we take the giant leap into the unknown and try to step outside the routines and all the well crafted walls of small pleasures and see what's really out there. And what is really inside. I know the old saw, "No Matter Where You Go There You Are." I have known since I was a scared young man looking into the well of trouble he had dug for himself that there is no place you can run that you don't take yourself with you. I'm not stupid enough to believe that the local change is going to lead to some stunning revelation and my life's path will become clear. What I am hopeful for though is achieving a little clarity that I couldn't get standing in the Grand Central Station of my life. A little clarity is all.
A couple more cups of coffee tonight and then it'll be time to turn in. Couple days down the road and I will see about venturing into town and posting some pics of the cabin. The trip is ending tomorrow but the journey is about to begin.
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ASDF - I feel like I'm riding shotgun man. Thank you for sharing this journey. If you only knew how beautiful and touching your words were. Keep writing.
So you're going to Oregon correct? My dear Granny was born and raised in Gresham and Mt. Hood was always a part of her life. She had many fond memories that she lovingly shared with me. I hope to make it there someday myself. She moved to the South when she met and married my grandfather who was coming home from the war. She never went back except to visit.
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Great post and please keep doing so.
Nice pics -- what a beautiful view.
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Going until the land stops. Steinbeck said the same thing. Great minds, ASDF! Best of luck on your journey.
Yes I agree and I think JTY does too! :-) :lmao:
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Sunday, May 4th.
Arrived at the cabin Thursday afternoon and then spent the evening shopping for food and essentials. I was too bloody tired to do much else. Friday was an unpack and recovery day. Got the cabin settled as much as I could in a fashion that suits. I am occupying the small back bedroom. The loft just didn’t feel right. By Saturday I was a little stir crazy. Two damp and cloudy days and I was fighting a bit of a cold. Drove into Shelton and saw Iron Man at the theater. :rocker2: The area is all mist covered mountains and huge fir trees shagged with moss and undergrowth. The people are the usual scenic area combination of moneyed tourist and the rural poor. You can sort of get a feel for exactly how rural you are by counting the road signs peppered with bullet holes. There are a LOT of them up here. The hood canal provides a bit of contrasting blue to the sea of green and offers a small feel of the real ocean.
After doing a little organizing last night I set the alarm early and drove some three and a half hours north and did the hiking trail at Cape Flattery. The road up paralleled the straight that runs between the U.S. and Canada. When they post a curve at 25mph they REALLY mean it. Blow one of those turns and its 50-70 feet down onto the rock shore of the straights below. Cape Flattery is the tip of the country. You can’t get any further North or West of the lower 48 without waders. Stunning country up here. The country sort of runs straight up and down. Jagged rocks and pine forests, grassy meadows and maples and birch in the valleys. DARK green forests draped in moss and shadows. You seriously expect to see a hobbit and a bunch of dwarves rushing about trying to crash an Elvish dinner party. The dark out here at night is pretty damn absolute too. You move around after sunset and the sounds of the forest send a sort of atavistic chill up your back and send your hindbrain gibbering off for your pointy stick and your torch to scare off the saber tooths. I have decided to do my bit of wilderness camping around the full moon. Probably the 15th. Which is not, I might add DURING the full moon. I have in fact seen that movie. Several times, lol.
Cape Flattery. The hiking kicked my ass. Slightly improved trail that was steep and slippery in most places. Out of shape. Feeling old. But I fricking well did it. Took some nice pictures from the cliffs and did a little poking around on the side trails. This place is SO full of life! Ferns, flowers, creepers, seedlings, mushrooms… It’s mind-blowing the variety of vegetation you can find in a small area up here. I walked a bit on a beach afterwards trying to find a good sand dollar for my Mancub. I have always loved the Ocean. And the Pacific has always been what I think of when I think “Seaâ€. I was regretting not having the time to do more beach combing today. It was late in the afternoon and the drive home was as long as the drive there. More so, as I was bushed. Burned a steak on the grill and ate a big dinner, and I am writing this on the front porch of the cabin with a cup of coffee at hand and the sound of a million tree frogs filling the night. The clear sky has stretched through the evening and the stars will be spectacular when full dark comes.
The nights are the hardest. I have taken to leaving the radio or the CD player on just to fill the empty spaces with a little noise. I miss the feel of my wife lying warm next to me and the smell of her hair. I miss the feeling of my son’s small strong arms around my neck and my daughter’s laughter. I know I came up here to be alone, but I didn’t count on feeling this lonely while I was doing it. I am going to hit the internet café down mountain tomorrow and check email, post this and try to catch a weather report for the rest of the week. I also need to drive into Shelton to pick up my access permit from the timber company office so I can do my river trek later in the month.
I am planning on working a bit on the writing project early week and then heading south on 101 late in the week and doing some camping at one of the state parks along the beaches around the Columbia river bar. I’m finding the solitude and the peace I was looking for. I am just honestly not sure if I was looking for this much of it.
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Thanks for sharing your trip with us. The writing and the pics are top quality, whatever your writing project is I am sure it will be a success if it is of this standard.
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I am glad that you are doing ok and things seem to be pretty safe so far.
I will continue to lift your trip up in prayer.
Great pictures.
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Keep 'em coming! I'm loving the pictures. This is going to make a great story!
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Yeah, I almost made it. Isn't it about a mile hike from the road to the point?
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Going until the land stops. Steinbeck said the same thing. Great minds, ASDF! Best of luck on your journey.
Yes I agree and I think JTY does too! :-) :lmao:
You can respectfully bite my shrinking a$$. :bird: :-)
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Going until the land stops. Steinbeck said the same thing. Great minds, ASDF! Best of luck on your journey.
Yes I agree and I think JTY does too! :-) :lmao:
You can respectfully bite my shrinking a$$. :bird: :-)
Bare it! :-)
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Going until the land stops. Steinbeck said the same thing. Great minds, ASDF! Best of luck on your journey.
Yes I agree and I think JTY does too! :-) :lmao:
You can respectfully bite my shrinking a$$. :bird: :-)
Bare it! :-)
I don't know whether I should do this :bird: or this :naughty:
:-)
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Yeah, I almost made it. Isn't it about a mile hike from the road to the point?
Yeah. And a pretty "Special" hike too, lol. Here's part of the trail:
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Beautiful pics ASDF. What a hike!! Looks like you had to do some bushwacking. How long did you go for? I have another one coming up on Saturday...walk in the park compared to that...gotta love the Appalachian Trail maintainers!
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Beautiful pics ASDF. What a hike!! Looks like you had to do some bushwacking. How long did you go for? I have another one coming up on Saturday...walk in the park compared to that...gotta love the Appalachian Trail maintainers!
You can't hack away at the foliage in Cape Flattery. The trail is maintained by the local native tribe, the Makah, I believe. They have boardwalks on many of the trails.
http://www.makah.com/cape.html
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Beautiful pics ASDF. What a hike!! Looks like you had to do some bushwacking. How long did you go for? I have another one coming up on Saturday...walk in the park compared to that...gotta love the Appalachian Trail maintainers!
You can't hack away at the foliage in Cape Flattery. The trail is maintained by the local native tribe, the Makah, I believe. They have boardwalks on many of the trails.
http://www.makah.com/cape.html
It looks beautiful. Do you know if you can get into the water (more importantly, get back up out of the water!)
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asdf, I can't get over the seclusion of the cabin and looking at those views. I truly am in awe and just imagining how nice that must be to experience. I'm jealous quite frankly. I'm glad you got to check in and hope we hear from you again in a few days. I really appreciate that you are sharing this with us all! I think others do as well! AWESOME!
(sorry to jack your thread earlier :shucks:)
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Beautiful pics ASDF. What a hike!! Looks like you had to do some bushwacking. How long did you go for? I have another one coming up on Saturday...walk in the park compared to that...gotta love the Appalachian Trail maintainers!
You can't hack away at the foliage in Cape Flattery. The trail is maintained by the local native tribe, the Makah, I believe. They have boardwalks on many of the trails.
http://www.makah.com/cape.html
It looks beautiful. Do you know if you can get into the water (more importantly, get back up out of the water!)
Sheer bluffs Phil. There are some great beaches south of there for beach combing that are public access though.
And the trail WAS board walked in a few places, but mostly consisted of wet tree trunk slices set in mud and mud with roots and a few places had mud with boards for variety, lol. The hike was maybe a mile (2 round trip) but it was a hard one. For me at least. (On edit) 3/4 of a mile according to the link Reb posted. But it was uphill in both directions, lol.
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asdf, I can't get over the seclusion of the cabin and looking at those views. I truly am in awe and just imagining how nice that must be to experience. I'm jealous quite frankly. I'm glad you got to check in and hope we hear from you again in a few days. I really appreciate that you are sharing this with us all! I think others do as well! AWESOME!
(sorry to jack your thread earlier :shucks:)
You can jack my threads anytime! ;)
Thanks for doing the sticky for me. My wife has actually been popping in here and reading my posts.
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asdf, I can't get over the seclusion of the cabin and looking at those views. I truly am in awe and just imagining how nice that must be to experience. I'm jealous quite frankly. I'm glad you got to check in and hope we hear from you again in a few days. I really appreciate that you are sharing this with us all! I think others do as well! AWESOME!
(sorry to jack your thread earlier :shucks:)
You can jack my threads anytime! ;)
Thanks for doing the sticky for me. My wife has actually been popping in here and reading my posts.
Not a problem! Hi Mrs. asdf *waves*
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Beautiful pics ASDF. What a hike!! Looks like you had to do some bushwacking. How long did you go for? I have another one coming up on Saturday...walk in the park compared to that...gotta love the Appalachian Trail maintainers!
You can't hack away at the foliage in Cape Flattery. The trail is maintained by the local native tribe, the Makah, I believe. They have boardwalks on many of the trails.
http://www.makah.com/cape.html
It looks beautiful. Do you know if you can get into the water (more importantly, get back up out of the water!)
Sheer bluffs Phil. There are some great beaches south of there for beach combing that are public access though.
And the trail WAS board walked in a few places, but mostly consisted of wet tree trunk slices set in mud and mud with roots and a few places had mud with boards for variety, lol. The hike was maybe a mile (2 round trip) but it was a hard one. For me at least. (On edit) 3/4 of a mile according to the link Reb posted. But it was uphill in both directions, lol.
They can be a killer...did you have your pack? 2 hikes ago I would have sworn the last 2 miles dragged into 7.
The view you have is amazing. It always takes a little pain to see views like that. Good for you for getting out on the trail right away. I think I would have just been happy to be out of the car after your drive!
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Gosh, ASDF, I really envy you in this. While I've traveled all over the US on business all my life, I've never been outside (except to Mexico and the Caribbean). Nevertheless, I've always stayed in hotels and haven't thought about attempting something what your doing. Maybe now, that I'm retired and just wondering around the house, vacuming and doing the laundry and other housekeeping sorts of crap -- sort of Mr. Mom stuff (although the kids have long gone) -- maybe I'll give something like this a try!
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Sunday, May 11, 2008
On Wednesday last week I packed up the camping gear and headed for the northern side of the Columbia river bar to a State park called Cape Dissapointment. Brett and I had camped there 16 years ago when we drove from Vegas to Washington to start our two weeks down the coast. The camp site that we stayed in was already occupied by a young couple that looked to be about the same age as we were when we were there together. The guy had even hung his hammock between the two trees that I strung mine from so long ago.
I endured one of the worst nights I have had in decades. When I got there it was early afternoon and the sky had clouded over and drizzle was coming down aided by a 20-25 mph constant wind coming off the ocean that the thin line of trees screening my camp site from the beach didn't do much to slow down. It was in the high 50’s when I set out so I was still in a t-shirt and shorts while I was struggling to get the tent up in the wind. By the time I got done rigging the tarp over the picnic table I realized that I was freezing my ass off. I changed into warmer clothing and got a fire going, but in that kind of wind the only way to get any heat from it is to sit downwind in the smoke, so I just huddled as near as I could and choked down a quick dinner and tried to get warm by wrapping myself around a few cups of coffee.
When I fell into my sleeping bag at 10, I couldn't stop shivering and the temp plummeted into the low 40’s. Brand new sleeping bag and it is a semi mummy style bag so I was tossing and turning feeling a little claustrophobic. I think it was midnight when I finally drifted off and I woke up at 2:30 on the nose and was up all night. Wind never died down. Fire didn't help me warm up. Had my first serious “Dear God what the **** am I doing HERE” moment.
Bad night. Long Dark Tea Time Of The Soul, as Mr. Adams put it. I had an Eyoresque rain cloud over my head as I chugged down bad camp coffee and loaded into the car and headed south. I followed 101 down to Cannon Beach in Oregon. Whined on the phone a little to my better half. The day did improve though. It got sunny and a little warmer. I drove back north and drove Long Beach from one end to the other (About 20 miles I think.) and saw a baby seal on the beach and a bunch of cool birds. Went back and walked the surf at the cape and had a good dinner and fell unconscious at dusk. Slept for almost 9 straight hours. Walked the north jetty after breakfast and then did some hiking along the trails in the park. When I busted out the map at lunch I realized that I had done everything I wanted to do that was within a days drive of where I was and broke camp and loaded up for home. The road back took me through Montessaro, which was the jumping off point for the Wynoochee river valley and the area that I had slated to go wilderness camping. When I hit the town, I swung north on a whim and started following the road up the valley. I was so ******* excited when I first spotted the river, My River!, winding through the trees. I drove up to the bend in the road that signalled the two areas that I was looking at on the maps and started driving the logging roads to pick out a camp site for later.
Little lanes of two gravel tracks and rocks going in between areas of clear cut and this sort of foreboding, dense, impenetrable wall of 2nd growth plantings of trees. Pretty steep slopes too. I kept the truck in 4 by 4 and low gear a lot. When I hit my first choice I learned a little something that they call in the military “Ground Truth”. The little verge between the woods and the river that was there on the maps and on the Google satellite overheads was a 200-300 foot sheer hill looking down at what was in actuality a pretty decent river gorge that the Wynoochee had carved out of the foothills. Ditto the 2nd site, except the drop was steeper. Long story short… I scouted every accessable cow path and logging road along 10 miles of river and didn't find a single damn location where it was even possible to camp. Unless I wanted to pitch my tent on jagged shale roadway next to acres of clear cut that is. The terrain between the roads and the river was the next best thing to impenetrable and the clear cut areas are tree stumps every 12-15 inches with crap all around in between them. I had a BLAST driving the logging roads and exploring, but my wilderness camp choice was a no-go.
Came home and sort of fretted for a bit. The federal forest wilderness camp sites are all closed right now. I was going to wander down to the visitor center on Monday and see if ANYTHING was open. So I spent Friday sort of recovering and did chores and laundry on Saturday. Watched a bunch of movies. Slept. Woke up to crystal clear skies and sunlight and threw some stuff in the truck and headed up 119 into the mountains figuring I would see if I could dig up a ranger at Staircase trailhead to talk to. Well the road to Staircase is closed and I didn't see a ranger anywhere, damn the luck. I started driving the forest roads and I found a tiny little remote camp ground run by the State called Lillywaup Creek. Prettiest damn place I have ever seen with a mountain creek running along the camp area. Picnic tables and fire rings, but you pack everything in and pack everything out. I spent the rest of the day traveling little one lane forest roads all over the mountains in the southeast corner of Olympic National Forest and taking pictures. Later this week I am heading back up to camp for a couple of days at the creek and explore some of the trails I scouted out up there today. Thursday is bringing three days of sunshine and near record warm temps and the moon will be near full, so for now this is as close to the wilderness as I can manage. It’s funny… The campground had a big sign that said “Do NOT discharge your firearms in or near the camp site.” I still get to go camping strapped so I’m pretty tickled. I’ll update when I get back.
This has been an amazing experience so far.
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Wow. Just wow!!!
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Wow, incredible, asdf. I'm going to have to 'borrow' that lighthouse pic..just sayin' :evillaugh:
Damn...sorry...just incredible. Look forward to your next update!
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The seal looks pissed that you waked him up. :-)
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Beautiful pics ASDF. What a hike!! Looks like you had to do some bushwacking. How long did you go for? I have another one coming up on Saturday...walk in the park compared to that...gotta love the Appalachian Trail maintainers!
You can't hack away at the foliage in Cape Flattery. The trail is maintained by the local native tribe, the Makah, I believe. They have boardwalks on many of the trails.
http://www.makah.com/cape.html
It looks beautiful. Do you know if you can get into the water (more importantly, get back up out of the water!)
Sheer bluffs Phil. There are some great beaches south of there for beach combing that are public access though.
And the trail WAS board walked in a few places, but mostly consisted of wet tree trunk slices set in mud and mud with roots and a few places had mud with boards for variety, lol. The hike was maybe a mile (2 round trip) but it was a hard one. For me at least. (On edit) 3/4 of a mile according to the link Reb posted. But it was uphill in both directions, lol.
They can be a killer...did you have your pack? 2 hikes ago I would have sworn the last 2 miles dragged into 7.
The view you have is amazing. It always takes a little pain to see views like that. Good for you for getting out on the trail right away. I think I would have just been happy to be out of the car after your drive!
Nopers on the pack. The area where I was going to do the wilderness camping is a no-go and the areas that are open in the federal Forest and the surrounding areas are car access off of single lane gravel forest roads. So the back pack is not going to be needed. When I head out on Wednesday though I will have my full hiking kit though. Manpurse/Camera Bag, 2 liter CamelBak and web belt with my pistol, knife and first aide kit. And the Stick. Can't do nothing without the walking stick! :) I will post some pics of the trails that I find for you when I get back.
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The seal looks pissed that you waked him up. :-)
He was pretty snoozy when I found him, lol!
When he woke up completely and realized that I was standing there he freaked just a tad.
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And then promptly went right back to sleep. :)
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but did you club him with the walking stick? :-)
Kidding!!! He's adorable!
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Dear God, what a helluva week.
Monday and Tuesday I spent the days driving the forest roads through the mountain range just north of my cabin. I was just exploring The wilderness area I had picked out was a no-go but I found a place called Lillywaup Creek that was the next best thing. Primitive camp sites, bring or filter your own water and a couple of vault toilets. (That’s the fancy term for an outhouse, as I have learned.) The entire campground was deserted and I got the pick of the litter. 25 feet or so off the prettiest little creek you ever saw. I drove up Wednesday morning and got my camp set up. I set up a folding camp chair and spent most of the day with a cup of coffee close to hand and started re-reading The Lord Of The Rings. It was certainly appropriate as I swear the place I was staying in was lifted from the trilogy and transplanted to Washington. Giant moss covered first growth cedar trunks, swaying pines, a happily babbling little creek and songbirds and humming birds flitting about. It was absolutely Sylvan. I read until dusk and then started a fire more for the cheer of it than for the warmth.
Then I learned something pretty elemental, but something that we tend to forget living in the modern world that we occupy. 20 miles up in the mountains and all by yourself can be a bit spooky. Your world shrinks to the soft circle of orange and yellow light reflecting off the surrounding trees. You become real damn aware of the sounds of the night. You settle in pretty quick, but I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t a comfort having a pistol strapped to my hip as I sat and watched the fire. When I was a kid I had an almost morbid fear of the dark. In certain circumstances it is sometimes easy to stand in the shoes of the child you were once more. In some ways I was a little relieved that the backpacking into the wilderness thing got short circuited. I was able to haul along most of my Snivel Gear. (The roomy tent and the heavy folding chair to name two items.) I was also able to haul along a 6 gallon jerry can of water rather than taking along a collapsible container and my filter pump.
What I was doing felt more like a cushy expedition than some arduous feat. It still felt pretty cool. Miles up in the wild, hell and gone from any living soul, sipping coffee by the campfire and listening to the wind sigh through the trees and rustle the boughs while the water gurgled over the rocks in the stream. With a Colt .45 on my belt and wearing my khaki hiking fedora. Pretty damn good feeling. Slept pretty well and was up at 5:30 with the sun. Well with the daylight anyway. They had promised gorgeous weather for the next three days, but the morning was a little chilly with actual frigging clouds hanging overhead in the tree tops. Then mid morning the sun was there and the clouds disappeared.
I did a little hiking up into the hills around the creek, as much as I was able to. A mile or so out from the campground and the trails started getting pretty iffy and rather than lose track of where I was and having to remember how to do orienteering on the fly, I doubled back and just wandered about close to the stream. When I got banged up and tired enough I wandered back to the camp and spent the rest of the day with Mr. Tolkien and often just staring at the creek rushing by and thinking. About my life. What I liked. What was lacking. Which parts were mine to blame for the failings and which parts were just shit happening, if you will. I found more good than bad in what I was looking at. Which is no small thing.
We all have baggage we carry with us that we fill with the mementos and knickknacks that we buy with our blood, sweat and tears as we go through life. The painful crap that we buy or get stuck with always seems to be the heaviest. I did not have a good childhood. I’m not whining about it mind you, just stating a fact. It took me longer than it should have to learn how to be an adult, and there were portions of it that I did, and still do, just plain suck at. I still have no idea what the hell I want to do with the remainder of my life. I can do or be anything I really want to be. Literally. Within a few confines, the sky is the limit. So why is it so damn hard to figure out? I mean seriously…
You pick something you enjoy and that you are good at and you develop the skills to do it for a living.
Piece of cake. Right?
Set that aside for now. Baggage. My father and I did not speak for the better part of about eleven years. Estranged, with a capitol ‘E’. The man didn’t come to my wedding. A couple of years after we were married we were living in Las Vegas. My wife was carrying our first child and running the Veterinary Clinic at Nellis Air Force base. I got a phone call from one of my brothers telling me that my father had slipped on the ice while working and hit the back of his head on the concrete. Hard. Subdural hematoma. Brain surgery to relieve the pressure. But he pulled through and was home. That hit me like a ton of bricks. The old man almost died and I didn’t find out till after the fact. I put some thought into it and finally called him. Told him that for my part I was truly sorry that it had come to where we were. That I had a daughter on the way and that I wanted her to know her grandfather. That if he had died without me being able to tell him “I love you.†It would have torn me to pieces. That I missed having a father.
We reconciled and for the next ten years we had a cordial if long distance relationship. He came back into the fold with the whole family as a matter of fact and he and my step mom became part of the regular extended family holiday gatherings. He made handcrafted wood work gifts for the grandkids and the daughters in law and my sister. It took time but we became friends in our way as well as father and son. When my son was delivered into this world in 2001 we named him Robert James after him.
We finally moved back home in 2002 after a little more than ten years in the service. I got to spend a good amount of time with the man. I saw him more in the following year than I had in the previous twenty. We arranged a day to go to the firing range together after he returned from a vacation in late Autumn.
I was a little shocked when I saw him. He was grey and he looked drawn out and tired. We had a really good day together. My dad the former cop was a lousy shot, but we had fun. But he was done in when we were finished. On the ride home I told him that his Mini-14 was pretty neat but that I liked my AR-15 better. He got a faraway look on his face and told me that he was going to tell my step mom to be sure to pass on his guns and the gun case he had built in his woodshop to me when he died. I just sat there for a second or two kind of shocked. I laughed it off and told him that I better inherit them when I was 60 because I wanted him around a lot longer. He told me he was having some issues and was going to see the Doctor on Tuesday for some tests. When we got back to his house I handed him a cleaning kit I had picked up and he asked me what he owed me. I told him it was on me, and he handed me a box and said, “Well take this for it then, okay?†It was a .22 pistol. I was floored. I drove home and sat at the kitchen table looking at the gun and cried because I knew something was coming.
He went to the Doctor on Tuesday and never really came home. Cancer. Systemic. He was in the hospital while they were running tests trying to quantify what was going on. He was too sick for chemo and the cancer was going to kill him if he didn’t get chemo. After a couple of days I went with my step mom for the meeting with the Oncologist who just said “I’m so very sorryâ€. I held her for a bit and she went off to make calls. I went back up to my father’s room to get my brother who was there to brace him and try to figure out what we were going to do. When I walked in he was gone. I went over to the window to try to see if he was in his car and before I could slip out, my dad woke up. He reached out and took my hand and asked me what the doctor had said. I honestly contemplated doing anything short of lying to get out of that room right then. He looked at my face and sighed. “This is it isn’t it?†he asked me in a quiet voice. And I had to look into the eyes of the man I had named my son after on that sunny autumn afternoon and tell him he was going to die. I had so rarely seen him cry in my life. He didn’t cry when I told him what the doctor had said as best I could. His voice broke and the tears started when he told me that he was scared that he wasn’t going to die in his right mind. He held my hand and told me that he hadn’t worried about me in ages. That he was proud of me and the man I had grown up to be. I struggle with that some days, because I am not sure I know who the hell that man is that he was speaking of. But it is a shiny gem in my lot of baggage that I treasure.
He died six short weeks later. After some time at home he relapsed. He chided me gently for spending so much time away from home to visit the last time that I saw him. He had a good day and was complaining about the hospital dinner he was trying to eat as I left. I looked over my shoulder at him and I knew somehow deep inside that I wasn’t going to see him again. Within the week pneumonia set in and my step mom called me to tell me that things did not look good. My wife was in Canada on business and I called her and she moved heaven and earth to get home that day while I let my sister and brothers know what was going on. She made it halfway home when they called from the hospital to tell me he had died. He did not die alone. The man was surrounded by family all day. But I wish I had been there for him at the end all the same. There’s an old quote, “He’s in better hands now, but God, we wish he were still in ours for a while.â€
So I struggle sometimes with this. He was proud of me. A lot of men go through hell in life on the basis of unfulfilled parental approval from their fathers. There are whole chapters in psych texts on the subject. It’s funny to me sometimes that I’m not sure that I’m proud of the man I have grown into but that he was. God knows I should probably take more pride in myself. I am a good man, for the most part. I have a good life and a good and loving family. I am starting to sort through the baggage during my time alone on this trip with an eye toward ditching the crap that I don’t need to be carrying and sorting out the spaces I need to fill yet. Balancing the load. God, it’s hard sometimes. You carry so much crap that you don’t need that you sometimes lack space for the essentials.
Maybe that was why the last few days were so golden. For a while there was just this bit of peaceful forest wrapped around me and the rest of the crap just stopped mattering for a bit. I have choices that need to be made soon. Important ones. I am standing at a crossroads in my life and I need to get off my ass and pick a road and start walking. I am tired and sore right now, but pretty content. I have not spent this much time with myself in many years and I am finding that I am still pretty happy with the guy in the mirror. As I said, I have found more good than bad when weighing my load in life. It’s a decent start on figuring out the path from here. It’s after midnight and the tree frogs are singing, the moon is up over the woods here and I have about run the laptop battery down to nothing. It’s been a long week and bed is calling.
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A couple of days later now. Here is the funny thing. I have had this weight sitting on me like an anvil the past five or six years. This constantly whispering and capering shadow thing haranguing me and criticizing. When are you going to grow up and get on with your life? Why the hell haven’t you even tried to do anything? Is this the best you have? It got worse after my dad passed because in some way I felt like I was betraying that pride in who I was that he had expressed to me at the end.
I have been a full time stay at home since the day my daughter was born 14 years ago this May 20th. I have had a bad couple of years. Short with the kids, withdrawn, depressed, low self esteem, the works. Every day that I was sitting around the house doing the basics and taking care of the kids seemed like one more funerary stone on the cairn of my life. A legacy from that crappy childhood is the self accusation that I was slacking. Quitting. Giving up and giving in. Sitting on my ass in laziness doing nothing while my wife worked her butt off securing an income for us. I hit 40 and had no chosen career, no real goals or prospects for one. I have been trained to hell and gone in disaster recovery work, but it is volunteer work. I am a fair hand with a paint brush and doing modeling and miniature work, but you can’t make a real living off that. Unfinished college degree, half finished projects in the basement, a stalled writing project on something that was heading towards publication, and this sinking feeling in my gut that I was running out of time to find what my path was going to be in life. And every day that passed was like this mocking weight pressing down on my chest.
My wife is hugely successful in her chosen career field and though we tote a large chunk of debt in certain areas, we literally want for nothing. I never resented her anything. If I did it was that she had always had the clarity to know exactly what she was steering for. She knew what she wanted to be and followed the path to it like she was riding a rail. And there was myself feeling like I was.
I have great kids. Seriously. They are polite, empathetic, so smart it scares me and such gentle, humorous little souls. There are shoals ahead I know, but they are such smooth sailors I hope we get by them without too much trouble. It has finally sunk in that they didn’t become who and what they are in a vacuum. My wife’s success in her career and professional endeavors did not happen in a vacuum.
I was so wrapped up in funk about not having a direction or function in my life that I could not see that I was already doing hard work, and as self involved, blind and crippled by my own stupidity and selfish concerns as I have been the last couple of years, I was still managing to do it pretty damn well. My wife can leave for two weeks of business travel without worry, if not free of regret at the time away from home, because I am there doing my job. My kids have had a parent home with them and there for them their entire lives because I have been there doing my job.
I have been victim to measuring myself by the wrong yard sticks. Society hands men a crappy archetype to try to live up to. And when you live outside that archetype it is easy to diminish what you are by trying to compare yourself to the expectations. I have had a path and a purpose all along and was just too surrounded by the trees to see the forest. And when you get lost inside yourself it is often hard to find your way clear. You cling to that circle of campfire not because of the things that are actually outside it, but because of the things you fear may be there. Self doubt leads to reinforcing personal failures. I was so scared that my life was passing me by and that I was failing miserably somehow to live up to what I was supposed to be that I couldn’t see the plain truths that were in front of my nose.
I am never going to be the things that I imagined myself being when I was a child. I am never going to be the things that I supposed that I should be as a young man. I am never going to be the things that I blamed myself for being too inadequate to become as an older man. And I would not change a thing that brought me to where I stand now, because any alteration would have taken from me the wonderful little souls waiting for me back home, and the love of the woman tending them till I return.
I was not afraid that in my heart of hearts that I was a bad man. I was afraid in my heart of hearts that I was a useless man. And self-doubt and self-recriminations breed nothing but anger and fear. And I have been an angry, fearful man for some time. All fathers have things that they want and hope for their children. Happiness, security, prosperity… To pass on enough that their children can pick their own paths with confidence and hold their heads high as they travel through life. This does not always happen. Some kids get a dark place in their souls that takes root and they ride the spiral down into the depths. I managed to claw my way out of the pit so very long ago and stagger off trying to get my legs back underneath me. It was not an easy path but I have steered a course that has been pretty true, if not always straight. I’m not sure where the detours and side roads will lead but I am pretty certain that I can see the road of my life ahead of me, and it does not seem a bad one right now.
I am a father and husband, and a tender of hearth and home. I have been and will be again a recovery worker who helps out others in time of disaster. I will have my hobbies and side distractions. But my job is tending to the garden of three souls and making sure that they can flourish in life. The things that I do separate will make sure that I flourish as well. It hurts to the core being away from them for so long in this place of green and sunlight and snow chased peaks, but I feel almost whole again for the first time in distant memory. And God knows they deserve a whole person to come home to them.
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The mountain on the left side is Dow Mountain.
My cabin is in the foothills there.
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That's really something, asdf. I'd write more, but I have to get to class. Suffice to say, I can relate to so much of what you have written in these last two posts...so much. Glad you are doing well, my friend. Take good care of yourself, up there...your family awaits.
Badcat, I'm going through mine by running up bleachers everyday. :lmao: I may figure nothing out, but I'll have a rock hard ass when I finally find where I'm going. :lmao:
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Asdf...touching story about your father. Brought back alot of memories of my relationship with my father, both the good and the bad.
You are taking a journey so that many of us will not have to.
Thanks.
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I have been a full time stay at home since the day my daughter was born 14 years ago this May 20th.
Cool deal. My daughter will be 14 tomorrow as well. It's been a blast! Hope yours is as great a kid as mine is.
KC
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That's really something, asdf. I'd write more, but I have to get to class. Suffice to say, I can relate to so much of what you have written in these last two posts...so much. Glad you are doing well, my friend. Take good care of yourself, up there...your family awaits.
Badcat, I'm going through mine by running up bleachers everyday. :lmao: I may figure nothing out, but I'll have a rock hard ass when I finally find where I'm going. :lmao:
I'll be the judge of that......bring it over here for the 'TEST'. :naughty: :-)
KC
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Asdf...touching story about your father. Brought back alot of memories of my relationship with my father, both the good and the bad.
You are taking a journey so that many of us will not have to.
Thanks.
Agreed and I also think many folks take their own journey in different ways.
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That's really something, asdf. I'd write more, but I have to get to class. Suffice to say, I can relate to so much of what you have written in these last two posts...so much. Glad you are doing well, my friend. Take good care of yourself, up there...your family awaits.
Badcat, I'm going through mine by running up bleachers everyday. :lmao: I may figure nothing out, but I'll have a rock hard ass when I finally find where I'm going. :lmao:
I'll be the judge of that......bring it over here for the 'TEST'. :naughty: :-)
KC
Somehow I can see a testing station for these things at a CC get together. :uhsure: :naughty: :-)
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Awesome stuff asdf. At least once per year...oftentimes more....I enjoy the solitude of the backcountry. Helps me assess priorities and gives me a new perspective on things.
When you are miles from nowhere and all alone, you tend to realize how fragile things really are. Those dark nights when you are aroused from your sleep for no reason at all...but are left wondering what lurks in the darkness nearby. In fact in a few weeks when the snow in the high country subsides a bit more...I am heading out into the backcountry for a jaunt of my own. This time I am taking my camera and hopefully will provide some pics of the local grandeur.
Jty if you want to make that butt rock hard, I can take you up a couple of mountain trails that will make those bleachers look like ant hills. :naughty:
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Awesome stuff asdf. At least once per year...oftentimes more....I enjoy the solitude of the backcountry. Helps me assess priorities and gives me a new perspective on things.
When you are miles from nowhere and all alone, you tend to realize how fragile things really are. Those dark nights when you are aroused from your sleep for no reason at all...but are left wondering what lurks in the darkness nearby. In fact in a few weeks when the snow in the high country subsides a bit more...I am heading out into the backcountry for a jaunt of my own. This time I am taking my camera and hopefully will provide some pics of the local grandeur.
Jty if you want to make that butt rock hard, I can take you up a couple of mountain trails that will make those bleachers look like ant hills. :naughty:
When I am ready for that challenge, I think I may have to take you up on that! Love hiking anyway! :-*
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asdf, if we ever meet, I'm buying you a beer.
Thanks for posting this stuff!
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That was a great post asdf, I am glad you have realised what I suspect your family knew all along! This would make a great book.
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ASDF - I've got tears in my eyes. I'm really speechless. The thoughts, fears, worries, questions...I've experienced them all. I feel privileged to be able to read about your journey. You've posted a lot of food for thought and I thank you for that. Sometimes you really do need the silence. The everyday noise of life can be deafening. I'm walking on my own journey right now. I just hope I can find the clarity you seem to be reaching.
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I have had this weight sitting on me like an anvil the past five or six years. This constantly whispering and capering shadow thing haranguing me and criticizing. When are you going to grow up and get on with your life? Why the hell haven’t you even tried to do anything? Is this the best you have?
Look back on this entire piece when you are done writing.
I think you will know what to do.
fixed quote tags --dixiebelle
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Wonderful, insightful narrative, asdf. You've really been a stay-at-home dad for fourteen years? Lucky you. Hell, if I tried that my wife (who had a career of her own as well) would have kicked me out long ago.
Our society certainly imposes the gender-based roles that you discuss. It's interesting to hear from someone who has broken those roles and spent a life performing what are traditionally classified by society as "female" tasks.
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Thanks all.
I have been buried in a writing project and doing constructive loafing the last few days. :-)
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Your daughter and my sister share a birthday.
Over 36 years ago, my mom and dad asked me if I wanted a brother or a sister....I said "sister" so they adopted me one.....I have never had any regrets.
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This is the first I've read this thread....I don't know what to say....except I think you have the makings of a book, asdf.
The pictures were incredible, the narrative not only extremely descriptive but also you deliver some very personal, private thoughts with such clarity.....I felt as if I was sitting alongside you listening to you.
You have much to be proud of.....as I'm sure your Dad thinks as he watches over you and yours.
Bravo....