The Conservative Cave
Current Events => The DUmpster => The DUmping Ground => Topic started by: miskie on July 22, 2010, 05:37:48 PM
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Mods - if this seems to be a bit too self-promoting - kill it..
Anyway --
Miskie's Big Book of Poetry is a collection of all of my Calpeg parodies and spoofs - all in one place ! - So, if you are looking for a nice bedtime story for the children.. find something in the Big Book of Mother Goose. But, if you are constipated, or a bulimic looking for 'inspiration', this is the thread for you !
miskie's CalPeg poetry Primer
Wanna write your own CalPeg prose ? Here are a few easy steps and soon you will be making them retch like a pro !
1. find an object and describe it
Microsoft Natural Keyboard
curved, black, buttons, hard, soft, worn, white, silver.
2. Find an object or action that some or all of the descriptive words may apply to, preferably something sexual, violent, or sad.
An old whore.
3. Write a couple of sentences that merge the symbolism.
My keyboard is curved, like an old whore's ass - old and worn, hard and unforgiving in most places, but still soft and forgiving in a few. They both have jobs to do, and do them regularly without emotion or complaint. Both are dressed in black, with silver accents.
4. Break the sentences up into segments, and reorder them -eliminate capitalization and punctuation
Microsoft Natural Keyboard
curved and worn
like an old whore
hard
unforgiving
yet soft in some
places
wearing black
as they work
tirelessly
feeling nothing
never complaining
as they serve
all of
mankind
And there you have it - Instant Peggy Prose ! Oh --- One last Thing -- Don't forget your copyright !
© 2010 M.
Perfect !
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Night Stick
smooth black
hardened
cold
I am beaten
gurgling
blood
for poetic
crimes against
humanity.
I see
only darkness
© 2010 M.
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i like
vanilla
it tastes like
something
that it shouldn't
or some random
sexual
reference
I threw in to make
lameass poetry
hot
What doesn't taste like
vanilla is
bronze, salty
water
i think i may have mistaken
used fryer grease
at a fish
joint
for the ocean
i bob for fish sticks
sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle
it hurts
like the first time
i bobbed for fish sticks
ouch.
© 2010 M
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My Sexual Poem: Anal
strap on
ball gag
leather, chains,
Anal Ease
bars in the window
no sunlight
no sounds
no
escaping
me
fetid dark hole
rancid odor
cockroach in a filthy
corner- i'm
penetrating
no prying eyes see
bound, naked
prostrate figure
writhes
in my basement
no one can hear him
scream
no matter how much
he wants them
to
© 2010 M.
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A lazy Monday ripoff:The Purple Nurple
in the car next to hers
is a boy with one eyebrow
hair
shaved off the back of his head
covered with a
hat
his ripped tee shirt
exposed a
purple nurple
he staggers along
still hung
over from the party
he never saw
the girl next to him
who was
weeping
she stepped
on her own
nipple.
© 2010 M.
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A new poem: Summer Pervert
a pervert waves
as children pass by
his pervert son
snuggles campers under the night
sky
pervert beaches
pervert people
pervert marches
pervert films
perverts
everywhere
at the bar
the primitive begs
to get
some
tail
everybody there
refused her.
though
she is a pervert,
nobody will "go
there"
© 2010 M.
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Nightly Nooseworthy
they talk to us every
night
excited, snarky, greasy
smiles and
hair
false rage
Blame Bush
even though he is
Nowhere to be seen
no
thinking
underneath
Olbermann's clothes
lies a tiny
treasure in waiting
almost as big as mine
I am pressed against the
TV screen
naked, hot and moist.
until a jolt of electrical
current puts me
to sleep
© 2010 M.
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Breasts hanging
long
like knee-highs with
oranges
stuffed inside the toes.
as I jog, they
bounce off my
knees like
soccer balls
deflected by an
adept player.
I tie them
around my lovers waist.
keeping him
inside me
until i explode in
ecstasy.
© 2010 M.
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I write poems that make
people want to gouge out their
eyes.
with a spork
vivid Calpeg
sexual imagery,
dance across neurons
as killer whales
dance
in a sea filled with
seal pups.
© 2010 M.
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The Prom is..
agent orange
is what they called me
toxic
foul smelling
deadly
poison
gas
Depends full
brown softness
smeared across my
breasts showing
scatological
kink and fetish
after they all
leave
I am voted Prom Queen
and King
ex-lax kicking in again
the
prom is
awesome
© 2010 M.
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Sacrifice
Give your votes
to
the messiah
forget voters,
polls
there will be
blood
from
your actions
The One
needs
your
jobs
renew the
congress
in the fall
time to
sacrifice
yourself
© 2010 M.
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A Love Poem....for my Dog.....Fruit Flies
circle the kitchen and rover lies
at my feet
tiny odors spring
form the carpet
fleas cover me
from mouth to
toes
they taste tangy
like 9 volt batteries
the socks on his feet
protect me
from scratches
rover knows
some special tricks
not learned
in obedience school
his love is deep
inside
me
rover
drags his ass
across the carpet
then
passes out
© 2010 M.
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Newest Poem: Vaseline Intensive Care
skin cracked and red
battered all night
someone’s beating
meat slapping
or stroking
out
vibrator buzz buzz buzz buzz
silver bullet gleaming
run to the bedside
in the drawer of the nightstand
fingers full of
soothing goo
or is it my depilatory ?
I need help in here
oh god its burning
genitals on fire
no time to think
where’s the bathtub
turn on the shower
open the faucet
oh thank god there’s vaseline
at last
cooling off my junk
OK
saved the night
time to dress up
guests are downstairs
staring staring staring
jar of vaseline
got my
back
tonight
© 2010 M.
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My poem for Winter:
The Shining
the knife
shines
as the clothing
gets cut
away
no work
no play
jack
is dull
© 2010 M.
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Transparency: my clothing
blue-green
varicose veins
under
wrinkled
skin behind
liver spots
all over
me.
transparent
clothes
rolls of
flab
I am drowning
in my excess
skin
police
beat
me back
from justin bieber.
my
heart
is clearly
broken
you have left your mark
with your
night
stick
I am
now
hemorrhaging
© 2010 M.
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Let me :hi5:you for a job well done. :rotf: Maybe Frank should represent your literary endeavors instead of CalPig's because he'd have an easier time selling talent than dreck. :cheersmate:
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My Valentine's Day Poem
Desert
midnight
at the
oasis isn't
like the
song
around the
corner
are scorpions
they sting like
huffing aquanet does
i hate you
maria muldaur
© 2010 M.
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End of Days
volcanic clouds cover blackened sky
lava spread
under my feet
someone forgot
to beam me up
alone at last
i remove my
clothes
after the the sun is gone
I dance the night away
disco inferno
my new friend 'louie'
sees me
then leaves me in
darkness
where did you
go
© 2010 M.
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The Wine
moistened my hair
splashed my face
the men
warned
me
go away
all gay
but i
just
had
to
try
© 2010 M.
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Damn, that's some good stuff, miskie, sir.
This hat's off to you.
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Damn, that's some good stuff, miskie, sir.
This hat's off to you.
Let me :hi5:you for a job well done. :rotf: Maybe Frank should represent your literary endeavors instead of CalPig's because he'd have an easier time selling talent than dreck. :cheersmate:
Much appreciated both - I figured I would stick my CalPeg tidbits here in one place, as they have been scattered across posts - Now they can easily amuse our primitive friends. There are still a handful of CalPeg poems I haven't rewritten, and probably never will, as they are just awful, and there is no way I can make them funny, or any worse.
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Great stuff miskie, love them!
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This is my favorite....it speaks to me.
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
Good Job!
as killer whales
dance
in a sea filled with
seal pups.
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Damn, you're good. :clap:
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Ahahahahahahaha Genius. Absolute genius.
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Sadly , I've not seen a CalPeg poem in days - whatever will I do without my muse ?? :evillaugh: She must be chicken..... Hummmmmm......
sometimes in the
morning
i want
a great big chicken
sandwich
i fantasize about
the
colonel
and his secret herbs
and spices
i wish he would find me
baste me
taste me
and tell me i am finger lickin'
good.
© 2010 M.
Oh well, I guess my muse has inspired me after all.... :-)
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Sadly , I've not seen a CalPeg poem in days - whatever will I do without my muse ?? :evillaugh: She must be chicken..... Hummmmmm......
Oh well, I guess my muse has inspired me after all.... :-)
aaaugh!! That was wretched :bawl:
Still better than the stuff CP churns out.
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Occasionally, as for largely large chicken sandwich
me where we want morning
me the herb of the colonel and that secret
which approximately are fantasized and taste
as for spice me me who desire the fact that he finds me
do to attach me and I finger lickin'
So call the fact that it is to me;
It is good.
In Engrish
:-)
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The heyena
reaches out
gorges
her eyes
blank
not smiling
she is
through
Her mouth
agape, bleeding
strange
as though she’s someplace
else
Maybe
she is okay
No way to know
not in this
jeep
i’ll need
to get
closer
to a thousand
hungry
beasts
Ill bring a fork
© 2010 M.
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The newest poem: Lost
i watch this show
on
the television
the dead, the
survivors
the monster
on this
island
I really dont get it
but it
makes me
hot
Trapped with
strangers
who cant escape
my hunger
or
poetry
that leaves them
all
weeping
© 2010 M.
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New Wave
hair stands up
caught in time
dep gel
moose
my acid
washed jeans
ready to throw myself
down
on justin bieber
or maybe
molly ringwald
I dont
care
prince
on my
ghettoblaster
the big hair
on that woman
the memories
of
aquanet
filling
my
lungs.
© 2010 M.
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dumplings
floating in porcelain
bliss
bobbing up and
down
as ducks in a river
all in a row
they are my children
made from love
filled with my
special
poetic
justice
dumplings know nothing
but
love
crisp on the outside
like fishsticks
brown softness
inside them,
inside
me
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they are my children
made from love
:rotf:
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hair stands up
caught in time
dep gel
you've just described me in 1985!!
Miskie -- these are truly putrid . . . and by that I mean GREAT!!!! :rotf:
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A new poem: Hung Like Old-Timers'
amidst the tangles of varicose veins by my ankles
hang the remnants of
mammories
mine
like the shifting balls on the strings of a Neuton's desk toy
my mammories clack together
to and fro
they swing as i walk
to the record store
justin bieber on 45, or one of those compact disc things
tingle me
coarse black hair stands erect
as does one nipple
some life in my tired mammories
reminds me of my youth
when they were mounted much higher on my chest
watching mickey mouse club
on 9 inch screen
perky
I still remember you
bobby burgess - my old justin bieber
with your mouse ears
all sexy-fine
with that smile
but you went
and grew up
it broke my heart
you were smiling for
not me
but someone else
i hate kristie ann
but not as much as maria muldaur
why ?
let a scorpion sting your nipple
that memory
will last a lifetime.
sometimes
the bite swells
and i forget
which red lump
is my nipple and which
is filled with poison.
mammories
light the corners of my
mind
© 2010 M.
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justin bieber on 45, or one of those compact disc things
tingle me
coarse black hair stands erect
ewww. :rotf:
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I regurgitated a little in my mouth reading that. :p Thanks for the MAMMORIES. Is this poem a reference to anyone in particular? :rotf:
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I regurgitated a little in my mouth reading that. :p
Mission Accomplished :rotf:
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OH THE HUGE MANATEE!!!!!!!!!!!
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My newest poem: On Incontinence
Depends
hold and entrap
struggling and leaking
I seek some relief
I fall in the bowl
into darkened waters
i
unleashed
cramps
that
pursue my
irritable bowel
even pinched noses
smell
my incontinence
to quiet the roaming
down the hershey highway
an impossible task
i drank a gallon of prune juice
i am
the victim
of a freeper
prankster
© 2010 M.
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My newest poem: On Incontinence
Depends
hold and entrap
struggling and leaking
I seek some relief
I fall in the bowl
into darkened waters
i
unleashed
cramps
that
pursue my
irritable bowel
even pinched noses
smell
my incontinence
to quiet the roaming
down the hershey highway
an impossible task
i drank a gallon of prune juice
i am
the victim
of a freeper
prankster
© 2010 M.
You possess a very special and unique type of insight and perversion.
1: Are you willing to sell educational classes?
2: I want to be YOU when I grow up. :-)
3: You should market your seamen... :tongue: :tongue: :tongue:
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You possess a very special and unique type of insight and perversion.
1: Are you willing to sell educational classes?
2: I want to be YOU when I grow up. :-)
3: You should market your seamen... :tongue: :tongue: :tongue:
1: I'm not sure many would be willing to pay...
2: No, you don't :-)
3: The last thing the world needs are countless miskies roaming the countryside.. :rotf: We have already made three of them, that should be more than enough for the planet to deal with...
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Something new ! A poem written from the perspective of another 'famous' primitive..
Revulsion: my poem for the homeless in Wisconsin, and everywhere...
I see the bird's crap on my car window
and fox news says we're in for
some revulsion
how can it be?
The crap glued
my windows shut
and the goo is oozing?
I read the news on my ipod
on borrowed library signal
the smog is brown the burning tires beautiful
how can there be
war
thats not against the
homeless plight
that d.u. ignores
why do you
say i
stink
I’m not afraid
of my
revulsion
click 'post new thread'
© 2011 M.
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Good one, sir, another gem!
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Joker
as i look at the new deck of playing
cards i see the joker looking back at me
like justin bieber all
smart and knowing and
fresh from the box
the smell of plastic and vinyl
entices me - juice running down my leg from a
freshly squeezed lemon
i leave the underground for a while
a few hours
to enjoy the joker
as i make myself a joker to
everyone else
you fell for it bitches - just
like i fell for my joker
we all learned lessons today
you learned to laugh at me
and i learned that papercuts and lemon juice
in the wrong place is a
terrible thing.
© 2011 M.
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A new one from me...
Gross is my erect nipple
With one coarse black hair
Or maybe its that
Scorpion bite acting up again
It starts to ooze
My bright red nipple
It runs green
With goo
As it leaks.
Then i
slipped on the slime and
fell.
© 2011 M.
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Damn, you're good, sir.
As you know, I submitted eleven of the CalPig primitive's poems to the Watchtower magazine for their consideration. I had chosen the Watchtower because it's the largest-circulating magazine in the world, and I thought the CalPig primitive's poetry deserved the widest audience possible.
Alas, the august magazine never responded.
I'm assuming it's probably because I was too demanding; I insisted a photograph of the CalPig primitive had to grace the front cover of the edition carrying her poetry.
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H5 Miskie! Hilarious!
:rotf:
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That's hideous miskie, H5. :-)
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My Poem for Cinco De Mayo: Another Grift
I am angry at every carnie
who has given us
ring toss
That grift
brings so much pain
to me
im not lucky enough
to win
that poster
or goldfish
or justin bieber bobble head,
shucks.
So I say to carnies
Eff you
for your grift I always fall for.
At least I have my flatware to comfort me
and running, nipple shaped sore~
And dumplings.
© 2011 M.
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Damn, you're good, sir.
As you know, I submitted eleven of the CalPig primitive's poems to the Watchtower magazine for their consideration. I had chosen the Watchtower because it's the largest-circulating magazine in the world, and I thought the CalPig primitive's poetry deserved the widest audience possible.
Alas, the august magazine never responded.
I'm assuming it's probably because I was too demanding; I insisted a photograph of the CalPig primitive had to grace the front cover of the edition carrying her poetry.
No you di'int.......... :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
Got 2 of their mags in the truck now....they caught me at the farm.
One of their X-members told me that only 300,000 of the very best were going to get into heaven anyway. So, I asked him why they were out every Saturday trying to enlist more members? I would be trying to get some to quit so as to increase my chances.
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boston heat
sweaty feet
i hope i make it in time for
the
meat up
pants pulled up to my ribs
like ed
grimley
they hide my breasts from
naughty prying
eyes
my justin bieber tramp
stamp is waiting
to be enjoyed later
a small
surprise
for any meat up guests
which reminds me
where are my kneepads
my boston baked bean is
bulging
© 2011 M.
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OK, a big HI5 to you sir, for making me :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Condom Balloons
purple flavored
jelled
and
rolled
in the park
used by Occupy
lambskin no lube
stripped off
discarded
ready to
recycle
balloons inflated
all used days
before
shagging strangers
its not even my
birth-
day
today
© 2011 M.
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Awesome.
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White Line
now is its time
bring a kilo over
and
razor
TomInTib comes over
i am hardly aware
of that scorpion bite
Or justin bieber
selena gomez dumped his ass
and the chance is
mine
Lets snort our white line
I must live
with this rash
and
pustule
it
oozes under
clothes
it will turn to dried itching scab
soon
maybe.
© 2013 M.
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This awful poem reminded me of California Peggy's horrible poetry.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9tK9HYspFM[/youtube]