The Conservative Cave
Current Events => The DUmpster => Topic started by: dandi on August 29, 2009, 01:16:57 PM
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gauguin57 (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-29-09 11:14 AM
Original message
Here's the funeral program, if you want to follow along
http://cfadm.3cdn.net/47d53e97b2c667bac5_a3m6ii1zo.pdf
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x6418090 (http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x6418090)
Not so, not so! Dandi has procured a copy of the actual funeral program:
A MASS OF THE INEBRIATION
Basilica of Our Lady of Perpetual Numbness
Roxbury, Massachusetts
August 29, 2009
11:00am-12:00noon Pre-Service Cocktail Hour, cold hors d'oeuvre
12:00noon-12:15pm Processional Hymn - "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall"
12:15pm-12:30pm Opening Prayer - In honor of separation of church and state, and so as not to make Ted's multitude of atheist admirers uncomfortable, there will be no entreaties to imaginary sky-daddies at this time. Please take these 15 minutes to text nasty messages to Glenn Beck, nip from your pocket flask, clean the lint from your navel, and wonder whether Dear Ted actually needed embalming with all that alcohol onboard.
12:30pm-12:45pm Open Bar - Freshen Your Drinks
12:45pm-1:00pm Words Of Damnation - The Kopechne Family
1:00pm-2:00pm Mid-Service Cocktail Hour
2:00pm-2:15pm Interpretational Dance - "Stumbling Home To Glory" - By The Washington D.C. GLBT Pink Prancers Dance Troupe
2:15pm-3:00pm Responsorial Psalm
Reader: His nose was red but now he's dead.
All: His nose was red but now he's dead.
Reader: And the distillers shall mourn, likewise the Welfare Queen, and the entitlement mongers.
All: His nose was red but now he's dead.
Reader: May the taxes rise like the end of his sailboat when he stepped off, and the dead awaken to vote once again.
All: His nose was red but now he's dead.
Reader: Curse the warriors and comfort mine enemies. Smite the unborn and praise the treasonous.
All: His nose was red but now he's dead.
3:00pm-3:15pm Ceremonial Opening Of The Bottle Of Single Malt
3:15pm-4:15pm Pre-End Of Service Cocktail Hour, waitress sandwiches
4:15pm-5:00pm Final Respects/Viewing - At this time the body will be flipped face down for smooching of the derriere by adoring Leftists. Chapstick available from the ushers.
5:00pm-5:15pm Closing Prayer - (see: Opening Prayer)
5:15pm-7:00pm Happy Hour
modified by franksolich to aesthesize the formatting, as it's really good--no content changed, and sorry for the inconvenience.
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:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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WHAT? They didn't sing that old knee-grow spiritual.........
"Swim slow sweet Oldsmobile...coming for to ca......(burp)".
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http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x6418090 (http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x6418090)
Not so, not so! Dandi has procured a copy of the actual funeral program:
A MASS OF THE INEBRIATION
Basilica of Our Lady of Perpetual Numbness
Roxbury, Massachusetts
August 29, 2009
11:00am-12:00noon Pre-Service Cocktail Hour, cold hors d'oeuvre
12:00noon-12:15pm Processional Hymn - "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall"
12:15pm-12:30pm Opening Prayer - In honor of separation of church and state, and so as not to make Ted's
multitude of atheist admirers uncomfortable, there will be no entreaties to
imaginary sky-daddies at this time. Please take these 15 minutes to text nasty
messages to Glenn Beck, nip from your pocket flask, clean the lint from your
navel, and wonder whether Dear Ted actually needed embalming with all that
alcohol onboard.
12:30pm-12:45pm Open Bar - Freshen Your Drinks
12:45pm-1:00pm Words Of Damnation - The Kopechne Family
1:00pm-2:00pm Mid-Service Cocktail Hour
2:00pm-2:15pm Interpretational Dance - "Stumbling Home To Glory" - By The Washington D.C. GLBT Pink Prancers Dance Troupe
2:15pm-3:00pm Responsorial Psalm
Reader: His nose was red but now he's dead.
All: His nose was red but now he's dead.
Reader: And the distillers shall mourn, likewise the Welfare Queen,
and the entitlement mongers.
All: His nose was red but now he's dead.
Reader: May the taxes rise like the end of his sailboat when he
stepped off, and the dead awaken to vote once again.
All: His nose was red but now he's dead.
Reader: Curse the warriors and comfort mine enemies. Smite the
unborn and praise the treasonous.
All: His nose was red but now he's dead.
3:00pm-3:15pm Ceremonial Opening Of The Bottle Of Single Malt
3:15pm-4:15pm Pre-End Of Service Cocktail Hour, waitress sandwiches
4:15pm-5:00pm Final Respects/Viewing - At this time the body will be flipped face down for smooching
of the derriere by adoring Leftists. Chapstick available from the
ushers.
5:00pm-5:15pm Closing Prayer - (see: Opening Prayer)
5:15pm-7:00pm Happy Hour
Incredibly sacreligious. I'm going to Hell for laughing at it . . . :lmao: :rotf:
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Oh, that was just grand! It must be published. It's too good.