The Conservative Cave
The Bar => Comedy Central => Topic started by: Chris on August 25, 2009, 11:40:16 AM
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http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays
"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."
"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."
"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside."
:rotf:
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"How the **** should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic ****ing eyes."
about 15 hours ago from web
:rotf: I love guys like this! :lmao:
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"The dog is not bored, it's a ****ing dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a ****ing rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
:lmao: :lmao: I love this guy! Wish he were my dad! :rotf:
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Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.
9:33 AM Aug 7th from web
:rotf: I like how he thinks! :cheersmate:
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OMG it IS my dad!!!
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OMG it IS my dad!!!
Do you have abrother named Justin? lol!
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"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that."
:lmao: Very wise man!
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Shit my kid's dad says:
She's like a sister to me. No, make that a step-sister; because wanting to boink a full-blooded sister would be wrong.
He's schizophrenic, he does that. Would it make you feel better if I gave him a BlueTooth?
I bet you could suck-start a .357.
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Shit my kid's dad says:
Got a link MSB? :lmao:
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Got a link MSB? :lmao:
My kid's dad = me
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My kid's dad = me
Yes I realize that but are you archiving them electronically? Would love to add it to my favorites for perusal! :-)
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A couple from my Dad, who passed last year:
* "Put that down. You got tinkeritis or something?"
* "Thatsa girl" (said sarcastically to either me or my brother after we performed a relatively simple operation like rebuild a 455 cubic inch Pontiac engine after a rod exploded inside cylinder #3, screwing up the main journals and ripping apart the cam).
* "You wanna knuckle sandwich? Stop yer whinin'. You wanna whine? I'll give you somethin' to whine about."
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A couple my Dad said.....remember this would be in the 50's early 60's.
"Boy, don't you let some little girl get you in trouble."
"Boy, if you'd leave the hood down on that damn car you wouldn't spend so much time sit'n on the side of the road."
...and the one they all learn in "Dad-School"..."What the hell have you done now!"
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...and the one they all learn in "Dad-School"..."What the hell have you done now!"
Nobody told me that there was an A-school for the "dad" MOS . I just sorta got tossed my kit, they told me "you're a dad now" and left me to figure it out for myself.
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Nobody told me that there was an A-school for the "dad" MOS . I just sorta got tossed my kit, they told me "you're a dad now" and left me to figure it out for myself.
That's OJT right there, brother.
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"Your mother rented this film, What Happens In Vegas. I thought it was going to be non-fiction, but it's fiction, and it's about some idiot. :lmao:
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(watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat."
:lmao:
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"Social security wont be there when I retire." Now my kids are saying that.. naner I get mine..........
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"What are you stupid? You can't polish chrome!"
OK, wasn't my dad, it was Noel's brother, the ****in moron
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"Her hands were unbelievably soft; it was aawesome. It's like she skinned a baby and sewed it to her fingers."
--my kid's dad
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ha ha ha ha...
"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."
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['You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up."
12:01 PM Sep 9th from web /quote] :rotf:
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"You're being ****ing dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose
:lmao:
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Stop pissing all over the toilet seat. That's my job.
:rotf:
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"Does anyone your age know how to comb their ****ing hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started ****ing."
:lmao: :rotf:
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Nobody told me that there was an A-school for the "dad" MOS . I just sorta got tossed my kit, they told me "you're a dad now" and left me to figure it out for myself.
It's cool that my kit includes how to pack 27 suitcases (I have a wife and two little daughters) into a trunk tetris-style for a family vacation. My dad could do that. All of a sudden, I learned it, too!
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More from Mr. Snuggle Bunny's Guide to Parenting:
How's my favorite son doing?
*pause for response*
Not you; your brother.
*pause for response*
No, I don't pick favorites with my children; I think you should have to compete for it.
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"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
:lmao: Wise man!
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"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or **** it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."
:lmao:
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I don't remember too much from my Dad except "Don't pick your nose." But my mom?
"You want sympathy? I will tell you where to find it in the dictionary, right between shit and syphillis."
(Note: Had no clue what syphillis was, much less how to spell it.)
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I don't remember too much from my Dad except "Don't pick your nose." But my mom?
"You want sympathy? I will tell you where to find it in the dictionary, right between shit and syphillis."
(Note: Had no clue what syphillis was, much less how to spell it.)
Same here. My dad passed when I was 12. My mom's favorite started when I was about 13 and passed her in height. She's 6 feet tall...
"With a chair and a baseball bat, I can still take you out."
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"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
:rotf:
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"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."
9:46 AM Oct 26th from web
:-) Well said! :lmao:
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"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."
:lmao: I so wanna say this to all the Blackberry fanatics i run into!
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"We don't hit girls.
"I don't care if she was being annoying. If we hit girls every time they annoyed us we'd never get anything done."
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"We don't hit girls.
"I don't care if she was being annoying. If we hit girls every time they annoyed us we'd never get anything done."
Oh boy. :lmao:
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:rofl: OMG!!!
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"We don't hit girls.
"I don't care if she was being annoying. If we hit girls every time they annoyed us we'd never get anything done."
Very true. :rotf:
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Twitter fave Shit My Dad Says heads to TV
Twitter sensation Shit My Dad Says is headed to television.
CBS has picked up a comedy project based on the Twitter account, which has enlisted more than 700,000 followers since launching in August and has made its creator, Justin Halpern, an Internet star.
"Will & Grace" creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick are on board to executive produce and supervise the writing for the multicamera family comedy, which Halpern will co-pen with Patrick Schumacker. Halpern and Schumacker will also co-exec produce the Warner Bros. TV-produced project, which has received a script commitment.
The comedy's title will change if it gets on the air. (ya think?)
Halpern, 29, had moved back in with his parents in San Diego, and on Aug. 3 he launched "Shit My Dad Says," a Twitter feed featuring colorful -- often profane -- comments and pearls of wisdom made by his 73-year-old father during their daily conversations.
HollywoodReporter (http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3ia4b706c7ade5c201ef51c5f91bc9ff77)
Why not put it on cable ?
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****in' A, right. Don't mix shit with the Makers...
"I'm having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain't mixing ****ing makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil' ****ing umbrella in it"
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"Why the **** would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi."
That's pretty good.
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This site is freaking hysterical! :lmao:
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"Don't listen to the ***** side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a *****. Remove the *****, son."
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“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
:lmao: :lmao:
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Nobody told me that there was an A-school for the "dad" MOS . I just sorta got tossed my kit, they told me "you're a dad now" and left me to figure it out for myself.
Hi,
I am damn near 70 and I can relate with that one. My dad left when I was three months old, my mother remarried and I got sent to a boarding school. All of a sudden I was 22 with three kids in diapers trying to figure out what the hell to do. My training was watching Ozzie and Harriett and My Three Sons on TV and my Marine Corps DI. Of the three, the DI was most accurate.
I got a do over and ended up raising a step child. Much better step father than I was a father, but there was unconditional love....coupled with smartass remarks along both roads. Now I hear my kids, particularly my oldest daughter, telling her kids the same stuff I told them. My step daughter would make a good DI. She is having to train her two boys and her husband and doing a pretty good job of it.
regards,
5412
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"No, he is not a nice boy. There is no such thing as a nice boy. There are boys and then there are fags."
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"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."
:lmao: :lmao:
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"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. **** that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
:lmao:
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"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."
9:14 AM Dec 14th from web
:lmao: :lmao:
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I don't remember too much from my Dad except "Don't pick your nose." But my mom?
"You want sympathy? I will tell you where to find it in the dictionary, right between shit and syphillis."
(Note: Had no clue what syphillis was, much less how to spell it.)
My word, Iassa, your mother was my father. Wonder how that makes us related.?
Dad had a healthy vocabulary, I still cannot figure out the " Jesus Christ on a pogo stick" came from.
Don't tell your mother I gave you a beer, [I was 30 years old]=======Me to my kids, "don't tell Grandma I gave Grandpa a beer."
That neighbor believe it or not is a millionare but he don't have a damn cent.
1969 on the moon landing, ": Put enough TNT under a brick out house and anyone can go to the moon. Himmmmmmmm, don't even want to go there.
In a mood of contemplation's Oceans are dieing, has been since the 1940's when I saw the changes in the coral off Key West. Dad rode the ASR's as master Diver and Rigger for 22 years.
Every thin boy I dated was a " Pecker neck kid."
That Admiral Rickover is the Father of the nuclear navy, he has balls the size of beach balls.
Calling me in tears, We lost the Thresher.
Refusing to talk to me when the Scorpion went down, my Hubby left on a Boomer the next day.
Some time in the late 1980's we were standing on the front lawn facing the river and out of the blue Daddy says, " some day there will be orange trees on this spot."
Anyone touch my lobster traps and I will shoot a hole in their boat below the water line.,
Few memories of him as a kid, he was Carear Navy, quite an experience for me to have a dad around all the time. For the first 12 years of my life he would come and go, no time to even get to know the man. Then he retired and I too my surprise found I was living with a knuckle dragging deck ape.
To listen to Dad one would think him a rip roaring raciest, he used every term know to man about everyone. I asked him once, just once why he put down everyone different from us. He replied that a true Yankee disparages everyone different from them. But they save the worse for their own kind...
Darn Xmas and memory's of Daddy and the good times.
Oh yes------Wish in one hand and crap in the other.
Someone needs to give you a hit between the running lights.
But the best thing I remember is his having a T 'Shirt with DILLIGAF, Bar and Grill on the front.
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"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0"
:lmao:
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Bunlet: Dad, what's a con-n-dom?
MSB: It's a thing to keep you from having kids.
Bunlet: How does it work?
MSB: Not very well.
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“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the ****ing back."
Hear Hear! God those suck! :lmao:
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Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't **** with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable.
:lmao:
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In honor of Valentine's Day:
"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."
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Hi,
My grandfather was a dairy farmer and I used to spend summers on the farm:
Don't force it get a bigger hammer....
Paint some hair on it then you can get it in.
At the time he said that I was like 8 years old and had no clue, but my uncle was laughing his ass off.
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"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
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‘Shit My Dad Says’ Twitter Account Spurs CBS Show Starring William Shatner!
:rotf: :rotf:
You heard that right. Shatner will be starring in a show that is based on the Twitter account of a 29-year-old named Justin, who lives with his 74-year-old father. Justin updates his Twitter account with quotes from his father – hence the title, “Shit My Dad Says.â€
Here are some of his Father’s latest quotes:
“There’s a word for people like that…No, I’m saying, there’s a word and I don’t know what it is. I’m not being ****ing poetic.â€
“Nah, we don’t celebrate it. Don’t know who St. Valentine was, don’t give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory.â€
“Don’t mess with him…Trust me, you don’t **** with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They’re unpredictable.â€
“You can watch the house while I’m gone. Just don’t call me unless something’s on fire, and don’t screw in my bed.â€
http://www.reviewstl.com/shit-my-dad-says-twitter-greenlit-cbs-show-william-shatner-0220/
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I remeber one time when I was about 13 and thought I was 30 I was eating dinner and my mom made mashed potatoes with onions in them. :mental:
I said i don't like mashed potatoes with onions in them.
My Dad looked at me and then slaped me up along side the head :thatsright: and said, "I suppose you didn't like that either"!
Needless to say I ate the mashed potatoes, onions and all and never uttered another word during dinner. :popcorn:
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# "Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor."
1:24 PM Feb 28th via web
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
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It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d **** you twice if they had another dick.
:rotf:
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OMG!!!!!!!!!!! So stealing that!!!!!!!
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Just saw the site I have a few saved thanks for passing it on