The Conservative Cave
The Bar => The Lounge => Topic started by: asdf2231 on April 12, 2009, 01:09:12 PM
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http://www.muckflash.com/?p=331
Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
April 10th, 2009 · No Comments
Memphis, TN -10 April 2009- Local and state health officials converged on a food processing plant just outside of Memphis after a sudden outbreak of serious gastric ruptures was linked to ‘Hungry Man’ TV dinners manufactured at the site. The infections, caused by a rare from of bacteria that produces gases forceful enough to damage internal tissues and organs, have affected nearly 200 people and caused a massive recall of nearly all frozen foods in the area. Bob Darian, a spokesman for the Tennessee Department of Health said that the operation was the largest in nearly two decades and characterized the outbreak as “critical.â€
Victims first started noticing flu-like symptoms late Tuesday after consuming a variety of ‘Hungry Man’ TV dinners. After several hours, however, scores of sickened consumers began to flood emergency rooms with severe cramps, bloody discharge and crippling abdominal pain. While the contamination hasn’t yet claimed any lives, several victims have been treated for serious internal injuries, including ruptured colons, distended bowels and extreme dehydration.
“While rare, certain kinds of bacteria common to industrial settings have been known to infiltrate a food supply and spread rapidly,†said Darian. “In less serious cases an affected person might not even notice, but mutated strains have become virulent enough to react with the body’s own naturally occurring bacteria to produce gas that is powerful enough to cause physical damage,†he said. Darian urged anybody who thinks they may be infected to seek medical attention immediately.
Maybe this has some military application?
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This brings a whole new meaning to "blow it out your ass". :evillaugh:
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I hope Mr Mann (http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,27287.0/highlight,Hungryman.html) is okay :lmao:
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News of the weird?
Yep, you bet:
Marian Folton, a local resident who was stricken a few hours after eating two trays of ‘Hungry Man’ fried chicken, said that the force of her condition was enough to tear fabric and flesh. “I wish I could explain it differently, but I have never experienced power like that from…well from down there,†she said. “I thought it was just a simple case of food poisoning, but things kept getting worse.â€
Folton waited to go to the hospital until, after being struck by what she could only characterize as a “thunderclap,†she looked down to discover that the seat of her pants was in shreds. “About that time I also saw a little bit of blood, and that even my couch was tore up. That’s when I decided to go,†Folton recalled.
We're being attacked by atomic farts!
:rotf: :lmao:
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TWO trays?! :rotf:
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I hope Mr Mann (http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,27287.0/highlight,Hungryman.html) is okay :lmao:
I was raised on Mexican food. Rectal explosions are a right of passage. Innards of steel and all that.
:fuelfire: Mr Mannn still plans on eating his Hungry Mannn TV dinner tonight.
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We're being attacked by atomic farts!
:rotf: :lmao:
(http://www.sfsignal.com/mt-static/images/AtomicBomb.jpg)
"Son, next time grandpa asks you to pull his finger, just say no!!!!"
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Maybe this has some military application?
You gotta be shitting me.
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Colon Blow (http://www.hulu.com/watch/10304/saturday-night-live-colon-blow)
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:rofl: only in my hometown....the only thing missing is a woman in curlers smoking a Pall Mall talking about "the big one that blew aunt sally away".
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News of the weird?
Yep, you bet:
We're being attacked by atomic farts!
:rotf: :lmao:
Of all the ribbing family about torn pants and damaging furniture, it no longer is a joke. Wow!
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Quote
Marian Folton, a local resident who was stricken a few hours after eating two trays of ‘Hungry Man’ fried chicken, said that the force of her condition was enough to tear fabric and flesh. “I wish I could explain it differently, but I have never experienced power like that from…well from down there,†she said. “I thought it was just a simple case of food poisoning, but things kept getting worse.â€
Folton waited to go to the hospital until, after being struck by what she could only characterize as a “thunderclap,†she looked down to discover that the seat of her pants was in shreds. “About that time I also saw a little bit of blood, and that even my couch was tore up. That’s when I decided to go,†Folton recalled.
Holy shit! She's like a human IED! :-)
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Bloody Rectum Debris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Can't blame those on the dog either. :rotf:
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Can't blame those on the dog either. :rotf:
Or the rare North American Barking Spider. :-)