The Conservative Cave
The Bar => Comedy Central => Topic started by: Chris on February 10, 2009, 02:51:25 PM
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NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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absolutely true!! :-) Hi 5!
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Double H5!!! :-) (okay, I can't technically do that but you get one anyway!)
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If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework …you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s affirmative action.
If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.
If you cry…………you’re a wimp. If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s domination. If she asks you………it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form …..you’re a pervert. If you don’t ….you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape ………….you’re sexist. If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape……you’re vain. If you don’t ……..you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something. If you don’t ……..you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself. If you aren’t……. you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache…………she’s tired. If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often………you’re over sexed. If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.
So why do men die first?
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So why do men die first?
We want to...
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Hi,
I have been married twice, for a total of almost 50 years. You have uncovered many basic truths of life, right on.
If I may be so bold, the trick to a happy marriage is to just realize that is the way they are and quit trying to change it.
To me it is so simple. If a guy would just come home from work, talk to his wife for ten minutes looking her in the eye and paying attention, and give her a desrved compliment once in awhile, life would be so much better.
I see my son-in-law making the same mistakes I did when I was in my 30's. I hear my daughter (who is a beautiful girl) telling my wife things like just once I would like him to tell me i look nice, or he really enjoyed the meal I took two hours to prepare.. Women have emotional needs that need to be met and it really takes so little time. I can tell you this, the guy who understands it and takes that time will be well rewarded. Busting your ass to make a living, put a roof over your head and food on the table is not interpreted by women as I love you..... A smile and simply saying "thanks" or "good job" is so easy to do, it is amazing more folks don't catch on.
Just human nature.
What is the old saying, too soon old, too late smart. Wish to hell I would have understood those things when I was 30 instead of having them dawn on me when I became 60.
regards,
5412
PS: The crazy thing is this. I really understood that in my 30's but didn't apply it. At one time I had a department with 30 women in it. My mentor told me once to be sure to compliment them when they do a good job. If you give women positive feedback they seldom get at home they will be the most loyal workers you will ever find. He was right. I recall my ex wife screaming at me one time, "Just once I wish you would be as nice to me as you are a customer." What a sad thing really because she was right.
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Hi,
I have been married twice, for a total of almost 50 years. You have uncovered many basic truths of life, right on.
If I may be so bold, the trick to a happy marriage is to just realize that is the way they are and quit trying to change it.
To me it is so simple. If a guy would just come home from work, talk to his wife for ten minutes looking her in the eye and paying attention, and give her a desrved compliment once in awhile, life would be so much better.
I see my son-in-law making the same mistakes I did when I was in my 30's. I hear my daughter (who is a beautiful girl) telling my wife things like just once I would like him to tell me i look nice, or he really enjoyed the meal I took two hours to prepare.. Women have emotional needs that need to be met and it really takes so little time. I can tell you this, the guy who understands it and takes that time will be well rewarded. Busting your ass to make a living, put a roof over your head and food on the table is not interpreted by women as I love you..... A smile and simply saying "thanks" or "good job" is so easy to do, it is amazing more folks don't catch on.
Just human nature.
What is the old saying, too soon old, too late smart. Wish to hell I would have understood those things when I was 30 instead of having them dawn on me when I became 60.
regards,
5412
PS: The crazy thing is this. I really understood that in my 30's but didn't apply it. At one time I had a department with 30 women in it. My mentor told me once to be sure to compliment them when they do a good job. If you give women positive feedback they seldom get at home they will be the most loyal workers you will ever find. He was right. I recall my ex wife screaming at me one time, "Just once I wish you would be as nice to me as you are a customer." What a sad thing really because she was right.
Dude,
Don't derail a comedy thread... Ever.
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Dude,
Don't derail a comedy thread... Ever.
Hi,
Know what, on this issue I agree with you.
Sorry,
5412