Local Hen Surpasses Elon Musk In Net WorthWOOSTER, OH — With egg prices soaring to historic highs, multi-billionaire Elon Musk has been dethroned as world's richest after local farmer Old Man Hopkins reported that his New Hampshire Red — who he had named "Hen" — had surpassed Musk in net worth.
"Bok bok," said the hen in response to the news of her newly-laid riches.
"Cluck, cluck, cluck," continued the hen to a horde of finance journalists who had swarmed Old Man Hopkins' farm in hopes of getting a sound bite from the world's wealthiest animal, which they, in fact, did. "Bok, bok, bu-GAWK!"
With that final "bu-gawk," the hen then laid another golden capsule of vast riches, thus earning the prosperous poultry a total net worth surpassing the GDP of Botswana, Uruguay, Mongolia, and Indonesia combined.
Old Man Hopkins admitted owning the affluent fowl was not easy, recounting that just this morning he had already turned away dozens of crypto entrepreneurs, big brands looking for endorsements, and Elizabeth Warren carrying a satchel for collecting taxes. He added that the hen now had a security detail 24/7.
"But I gotta say, wealth has its perks," said Hopkins as he hopped in his Bugatti tractor and began plowing the field for spring planting.
At publishing time, a visibly envious Elon Musk had reportedly begun repurposing all Tesla factories into massive chicken coops.
TikTokker Furious As No One Has Ogled Her At Gym All MorningLAGUNA NIGUEL, CA — A local TikTokker was left angry today after she was unable to achieve her goal of drawing attention from men at the gym, who she could then berate on camera and shame publicly on social media.
"These guys are being such jerks," said avid fitness enthusiast and aspiring social media influencer Priscilla Balos. "I need them to give me attention that I don't want so I can then rip them a new one and post the video online about how they're totally creeping on me with all this attention I don't want that they're not giving me like I need them to. Ugh!"
Balos had hoped to generate a surge of buzz online by joining the growing trend of women dressing in skin-tight gym attire and working out while posing suggestively in front of men who are minding their own business only to spring their trap as soon as a man even so much as glances at them. "The fact that these guys refuse to be jerks by ogling me just makes them jerks for not ogling me," Balos complained loudly, attempting to be heard by men working out around her who were clearly wearing earbuds and wanting to just finish their exercise. "Don't you get it?! I'm hot! Look at me so I can get mad at you for looking at me!"
At publishing time, Balos had resorted to stretching and bending over directly in front of the gym's front doors, forcing herself into people's view as they entered the facility. Gym staff was forced to call the police and have Balos forcibly removed from the property.
Lucky Charms Unveils New Ukrainian Flag MarshmallowGOLDEN VALLEY, MN — Move aside, purple horseshoes! General Mills announced today an exciting new addition to their Lucky Charms marshmallow lineup: Ukraine Flag charms, available for a limited time only.
"All the proceeds from this special edition of Lucky Charms go to Ukraine, much like your taxes," said General Mills CEO Jeff Harmening. "Now, with every bite of the delicious, nutritious Lucky Charms cereal, you're getting yourself ready for the day - and you're energizing the brave soldiers of Ukraine to go punch Putin in the face."
"Take a bite out of Putin!"
In a new commercial for the special edition of Lucky Charms, Lucky the Leprechaun is replaced by a cartoon version of Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, who follows a rainbow to find a magical pot full of new Abrams tanks, missile launchers, and anti-air batteries. "They're magically destructive! Yipee! Mamma mia! Wait, what ethnicity was I supposed to be again?" he says happily as he rides along the rainbow. "Wheeeeeee!!!"
The cereal company also reminded customers that supporting Ukraine "is part of a balanced breakfast, just like sugar, corn starch, modified corn starch, corn syrup, trisodium phosphate, and red 40."
Schiff, Swalwell Demoted To House Party Planning CommitteeWASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Kevin McCarthy announced he was demoting Reps. Eric Swalwell and Adam Schiff from the powerful House Intelligence Committee to join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the lesser-known House Party Planning Committee. Their main focus will be planning birthday parties and seasonal potluck celebrations for the upcoming Congressional term.
"This is a very prestigious committee assignment," McCarthy said while trying to suppress a snicker. "Representative George Santos has a birthday coming up, and I've tasked these three with planning a little get-together in the Congressional breakroom."
Sources say that despite their bruised egos, the trio got right to work planning the party. Schiff decorated the breakroom with a tasteful banner made of balloons he blew up himself, along with a large sign reading "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY." AOC hired a soft-pretzel vendor and volunteered to serve drinks, citing her extensive experience as a part-time bartender before joining Congress.
Unfortunately, disaster soon struck as Swalwell tripped over an errant balloon and spilled an entire vat of his famous homemade chili on AOC's white pantsuit. "You've ruined the party and my women's suffrage outfit," yelled a sobbing AOC as she ran from the room. "I'm literally dead!"
At publishing time, McCarthy was forced to cancel the party for unrelated reasons, as he found out that Representative Santos had lied about the date of his birthday.
Hillary Clinton Boasts Of Having No Classified Documents From Her Time As PresidentCHAPPAQUA, NY — After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time serving as President of the United States.
"For years now, it's been ‘emails, emails, emails,' – now while I may have mishandled classified emails from my time as Secretary Of State, nobody can impugn my record of properly storing and declassifying sensitive materials during my time as President!" The former First Lady and Secretary of State went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to share her achievement.
After the applause died down, Clinton motioned for Kimmel's sound tech team to pull up her Tweet where she had wished "Happy birthday to this future President" with a picture of herself. "When I was running for President in 2016, I knew I would need to be unimpeachable in handling sensitive material – once I got into office, and more to the point, after my term ended, I was careful to declassify, acid-wash, destroy, and otherwise properly handle classified documents. Presidents have to be mindful of these things!"
The applause slowed when Kimmel attempted a light joke acknowledging that Clinton's husband had been President rather than her, and audience laughter quieted as several laser dots appeared on Kimmel's forehead. The studio audience's laughter continued to dwindle as Kimmel's gestures to "cut" to commercial went unacknowledged, with the room growing tense.
At publishing time, a hostage negotiation team was called in and recommended de-escalation tactics instead of a head-on confrontation with Clinton. Several officers were able to escort her peacefully out of Kimmel's studio, at the end of which she posed dramatically and intoned to news cameras "I'm ready for my Presidential close-up, Mr. DeMille."