The Conservative Cave

The Bar => Comedy Central => Topic started by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:10:00 PM

Title: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:10:00 PM
Do you have a joke, video, pic, or other humorous item to post, but you're too lazy to give it a thread of its own, or you don't think it justifies its own thread?

Put it here.  :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:10:25 PM
Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

A man at the store asks the clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

'If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a Kosher hot dog would you ask if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?

The clerk says, 'Well, no!'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:11:13 PM
(http://greggsutter.com/mt/archives/manWomanControlPanel.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:15:52 PM
From The Hollywood Knights:

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JjIIHOy5qs[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris on November 09, 2009, 06:21:34 PM
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

    Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
    hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
    wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
    thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
    finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
    measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
    breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
    vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
    knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
    classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
    dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
    promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
    executed as soon as possible.

    Addendum: The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:25:48 PM
(http://i33.tinypic.com/2cqi15f.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:26:36 PM
(http://i36.tinypic.com/2cq0av4.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:33:07 PM
Robots Can't Act

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S8YK-2waOk[/youtube]

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcciN15D4QQ[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:35:41 PM
Relax. This is satire. It's mocking racism.

Foreigners Around the World
P. J. O'Rourke
National Lampoon
May 1976

(http://i30.tinypic.com/2060izq.jpg)
(http://i25.tinypic.com/t5gn0x.jpg)
(http://i25.tinypic.com/2clc7s.jpg)
(http://i28.tinypic.com/35m13wm.jpg)
(http://i25.tinypic.com/ifztrd.jpg)
(http://i26.tinypic.com/2rcmqsg.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:46:22 PM
(http://i37.tinypic.com/oj1iki.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 09, 2009, 06:47:53 PM
CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'


Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon......... You got Nice house'
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: ColonialMarine0431 on November 09, 2009, 07:24:21 PM
 :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on November 09, 2009, 08:10:37 PM
 :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

Man, I needed that tonight!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 10, 2009, 11:40:34 AM
(http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/513.jpg)

More (http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 10, 2009, 11:42:36 AM
(http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/funny-dog-pictures-punch-bowl.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 10, 2009, 11:51:36 AM
(moved to companion Shortbus-NSFW thread)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 10, 2009, 11:52:03 AM
(moved to companion Shortbus-NSFW thread)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris on November 10, 2009, 12:20:38 PM
ha ha ha ha... I know what I'm sending out for Christmas cards this year. :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 10, 2009, 12:53:24 PM
There is now a companion thread in the Shortbus-NSFW section.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 10, 2009, 02:12:02 PM
The Golden Screw

There once was a little boy with a golden screw in his navel. His parents told him that the golden screw made him special.

He never worried about it, until he got to junior high school and had to change clothes for gym. The class bully saw the golden screw, and said, "hey everybody, check out the little kid with the golden screw in his navel!" Everybody laughed at him over the next few weeks, and he came to hate that little golden screw. He became an outcast at school, as all the other kids made fun of him. Even the kids who didn't mind the golden screw couldn't hang out with him, because their parents told them they couldn't talk to the weird kid with the screw in his navel.

The little boy would say to his parents, "Why me? Why do I have to be the kid with the golden screw in his navel?" and they'd say, "It makes you an individual!" and he'd say, "Well, I don't wanna be an individual, if it means being an outcast!" and every night, he would pray to God, asking that the golden screw disappear.

One day, after a particularly bad day of ribbing at school, the kid came home and went straight to his room. He cried all evening, and couldn't eat his dinner. when he finally went to bed, he made a special prayer. He said, "Lord, please remove the golden screw. I can't stand it any longer. I'll do anything, if you'll just remove the screw. Please, God, take it away. Amen."

And that night, while he was asleep, he had a dream. In the dream, a little golden fairy flew in the window....with a little golden screwdriver. She landed in his belly, and using the little golden screwdriver, she slowly unscrewed the little golden screw and took it out and flew away.

When the little boy woke up, he remembered the dream and though, "Could it be true? Could the little golden screw be gone?" and he lifted up the covers and looked... and it was! The screw was gone! He was so happy, and so excited! and he jumped up...

...and his ass fell off.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 10, 2009, 05:59:37 PM
... please (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I11w-rl6iaY)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on November 10, 2009, 09:13:23 PM
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow disease. 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine flu. Next year is the year of the cock...Anybody else worried?
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 11, 2009, 09:36:47 AM
(http://i33.tinypic.com/2mqnszo.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 11, 2009, 09:43:32 AM
(http://i38.tinypic.com/otdn2o.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 11, 2009, 04:02:04 PM
Kitteh Om Nom Nom

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnagRjxp7v4[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 11, 2009, 05:16:16 PM
(http://i38.tinypic.com/29ylaf.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 13, 2009, 10:25:51 AM
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on November 13, 2009, 11:05:04 AM
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
:thatsright:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 13, 2009, 11:13:37 AM
Family Guy vs Christianity (http://www.trilulilu.ro/adi/5178b7b76c851d)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on November 13, 2009, 11:18:26 AM
There was an uprising in the quiet African village of Mubutu.  The chief's brother, anxious to be chief himself, cut a hole in the back of the chief's grass hut and stole his throne, because the tradition held that whoever sat in the chief's throne was chief.  He was too noisy about his theft though, and he and his henchmen had to run as fast as they could back to his own hut, carrying the throne with them as the chief's guards searched the village for the culprits.  Hearing the guards closing in on his hut, the chief's brother decided that he should hide the throne in the rafters of his hut until the chief's guards had finished looking, then he could take his place on the throne and finally be chief himself.  His henchmen grunted and pushed, and finally got the heavy throne up out of sight in the rafters just as the chief's guards came storming in, demanding to know what they had done with the chief's throne.  The chief's brother denied any knowledge of the heinous crime, and invited the guards to search his hut, which they did.  Satisfied that the throne was not here, the guards were about to leave, when the rafters of the hut gave way, and the throne came crashing down on the chief's brother and his henchmen, killing them all.

 Moral of the story:  People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 13, 2009, 11:21:19 AM
(http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/536.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on November 13, 2009, 01:21:22 PM
(http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/536.jpg)



 :spork: :puke:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 13, 2009, 04:26:56 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/funny-pictures-you-need-a-bigger-fireman.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on November 13, 2009, 04:52:50 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/funny-pictures-you-need-a-bigger-fireman.jpg)

And bandages.  Lots and lots of bandages.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 13, 2009, 06:33:21 PM
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on November 13, 2009, 09:12:39 PM
 :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 15, 2009, 11:39:25 AM
A Zebra died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. As he entered, he asked St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled.. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'"
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 16, 2009, 12:15:26 PM
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, "OK. My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

No, the boy said, "He actually plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on November 16, 2009, 12:33:26 PM
 :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on November 17, 2009, 04:16:44 PM
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.


Thank you
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: thundley4 on November 17, 2009, 04:28:02 PM
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.


Thank you
:evillaugh:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris on November 17, 2009, 08:54:10 PM
Tough Guys...

(http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/9158/nobarrelinthegun.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: DixieBelle on November 17, 2009, 09:47:51 PM
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

:rofl:

Sounds like something Undies would say.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 18, 2009, 02:29:02 PM
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/political-pictures-moon-landing-fourth-astronaut.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 18, 2009, 02:34:36 PM
(http://i47.tinypic.com/2a6mp2f.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 18, 2009, 04:52:17 PM
Drunkest Guy Ever Blaster Battle (http://www.break.com/index/drunkest-guy-ever-blaster-battle.html)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: vesta111 on November 19, 2009, 05:27:52 AM
Drunkest Guy Ever Blaster Battle (http://www.break.com/index/drunkest-guy-ever-blaster-battle.html)

That was not funny Golem, not one bit.

That there happens to be my grand baby in that video who was NOT drunk.  He is a good Baptist and does not drink, smoke or swear.

I can explain everything in that video------First the boy had ashma as a little tyke, it most likely came back.  The boy was trying to breath right.

He was kicked in the head when he was milking the goat back a spell ago.  He has problems with balance since then, I myself have seen him fall out his truck a few times.

We have been telling him he needs glasses since he was 16 and mistook soda for those spirits he mistakenly brought home.

You got to look close at that video to see what we as family are a seeing.

Poor Billy Bob must of taken a spell of feeling ill, stopped for a soda with sugar and not wanting to disgrace himself  by   telling the clerk he had a problem,  decided to get some soda by himself.     His balance was off as usual and he because of eye problems grabbed what he thought was root beer.

Poor boy, here as anyone can see Billy Bob had a health problem, trying to breath and stand up was almost impossible.  Those crazy store owners should have called for medical attention, not a couple of Goons that threw him out on the street to possibly die from Ashma.

OK Smarty Pants, we the family are going to SUE the owner of that store for every cent he has.  Our Billy Bob lay in a ditch until his cousin the Counties Sheriff arrived to save his life.

Teach those damn Arab store owners not to mess with us good Christian Churchgoer folk.








Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: thundley4 on November 19, 2009, 10:49:36 AM
I got Your Momma.

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner..
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted.
 
'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.  She had gotten into trouble at school and at home..  Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter..
 

________________________________ LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday..  I want a red one.  Your friend, Carol
 
Carol knew this wasn't true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
 
________________________________ LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol.  I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday..  Thank you, Carol
 
Carol knew this wasn't true either.  She tore up the letter and started again.
 
________________________________ LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year.  I am very sorry.  I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday..  Thank you, Carol
 
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike.  By now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church.  Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
 
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
 Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.  She looked around to see if anyone was there.  She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room.  She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
 
________________________________ LETTER 4:
 
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
 
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
 
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 19, 2009, 11:58:25 AM
We Love Russia!!

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4eFcSiNf_w[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 21, 2009, 10:16:30 AM
The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Wineslob on November 30, 2009, 01:43:28 PM
WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
__________________
John
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 01, 2009, 12:28:41 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/funny-pictures-bird-means-business.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on December 01, 2009, 10:00:47 PM
WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
__________________
John



Perfect note :heart: it
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 04, 2009, 11:51:22 AM
(http://www.ilovebacon.com/v5/120409/c.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris on December 04, 2009, 12:45:12 PM
(http://img706.imageshack.us/img706/6094/certificateinvitation.png)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 04, 2009, 04:20:42 PM
(http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs254.snc1/10128_103173543031047_100000152061137_91740_1628853_n.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 15, 2009, 01:32:53 PM
Rwandan Grand Prix

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Dp_g9tIr8I[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on December 16, 2009, 02:06:32 PM
From an E-Mail -


Two Couples that snuck into the White House without any credentials:

(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/cid_16E85433-DF33-44B7-B6C2-3381FED.jpg)

and

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V


(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/cid_905A093B-9B4C-4D16-A6E5-C1CB98E.jpg)

V
VVV
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 30, 2009, 12:16:37 PM
(http://i49.tinypic.com/n6c16s.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 03, 2010, 11:23:23 AM
I first saw this a couple years ago. It still cracks me up.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on January 03, 2010, 07:42:23 PM
from an e-mail;


-TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK -


A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he
attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and
a calculator.  At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious 'Al-Gebra' movement. He did not identify the man, who has been
charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.


'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code
names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.'


As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.




When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have
better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes..' White House
aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
President.


It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.



 
 
 HAPPY NEW YEAR
 
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Wayne on January 04, 2010, 06:29:54 AM
 :lmao: :rotf:  That is so funny and stolen..
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 05, 2010, 04:11:53 PM
(http://i45.tinypic.com/15gbj28.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: SSG Snuggle Bunny on January 06, 2010, 01:08:33 PM
A priest and a rabbi are having lunch together. The priest admiringly shows his sandwich to the rabbi and says, "When are you going to cut lose and enjoy a delicious BLT?"

Without looking up from his lentil soup the rabbi replies, "At your wedding."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Specbid on January 06, 2010, 03:11:52 PM

Stan was a big, tough, hard-drinking ironworker.
One day, he gets home from work to find his wife upset.
His wife says "Stan, you need to talk to your grandson Barack. Seems he got laid yesterday."
Now Barack was only 15, so this news thrilled Stan. He immediately went to the bar to boast about his 15 yr. old grandson getting laid.
He buys all his ironworker mates drink after drink and gets louder and louder "my grandson is only 15 and is already getting laid."
Now who should walk by the bar? Barack himself. Stan grabs him and pulls him into the bar.
"Well Barack," says Stan, "did you get laid again today?"
Barack says "give me a break, Grandpa, my a$$hole still hurts from yesterday."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: catsmtrods on January 06, 2010, 04:43:06 PM
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.  SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .


 
- 'I've got Problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
- 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.  'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
- 'How much do you charge?'

- 'Eighty dollars per visit,'  replied the Doctor.

- 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

- 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
- 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
- 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
- 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

 SCREW THOSE SHRINKS... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Daisy on January 08, 2010, 04:52:49 PM
An old lady in a nursing home for old people was walking around flipping up her nightdress at the old men,  asking "Super Sex?". She was ignored. Finally she walked up to an old man in a wheelchair, flipping up her nightdress she asked, "Super Sex"? The old man paused briefly and replied, "Ill take the soup."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 09, 2010, 03:40:46 PM
(http://i50.tinypic.com/243p1ds.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: SSG Snuggle Bunny on January 09, 2010, 07:12:28 PM
Tough Guys...

(http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/9158/nobarrelinthegun.jpg)
That MG42 would be a lot more effective and intimidating if it had a barrel.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on February 21, 2010, 05:18:48 PM
(http://i49.tinypic.com/vih5l1.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 06, 2010, 02:46:06 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/epic-fail-costume-fail.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 07, 2010, 04:45:02 PM
How To Make An Episode Of Barefoot Contessa (http://foodnetworkhumor.com/2010/01/how-to-make-an-episode-of-barefoot-contessa/)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 07, 2010, 04:51:15 PM
Honest Movie Titles: Oscars 2010 (http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1802286)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 08, 2010, 05:08:57 PM
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/political-pictures-k1a1-tank-youre-welcome.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 08, 2010, 07:08:25 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/funny-pictures-basement-cat-vs-ceiling-cat.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 10, 2010, 05:56:25 PM
(http://9gag.com/photo/19073_500sq.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on March 10, 2010, 07:49:20 PM
(http://9gag.com/photo/19073_500sq.jpg)

I LOVE this! 

 :cheersmate:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on March 10, 2010, 09:17:57 PM
That was funny
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: thundley4 on March 10, 2010, 09:27:23 PM
The left side should say; "color names if you're a girl, or a gay guy".
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 11, 2010, 09:42:06 AM
(http://9gag.com/photo/18980_500sq.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: DefiantSix on March 11, 2010, 11:29:28 AM
(http://9gag.com/photo/18980_500sq.jpg)

What's it's DU screen name?  :hyper:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rich_t on March 11, 2010, 12:14:09 PM
(http://9gag.com/photo/18980_500sq.jpg)

Quick.... Kill it before it can breed!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 11, 2010, 04:48:33 PM
(http://i43.tinypic.com/311uskg.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 11, 2010, 04:52:11 PM
(http://www.ilovebacon.com/v5/031110/b.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 11, 2010, 04:54:10 PM
(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/3/11/129128120992307140.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 11, 2010, 04:55:52 PM
(http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/funny-dog-pictures-shake-paw.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 11, 2010, 06:47:59 PM
(http://upnextinsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/funny-sports-pictures-wish-football.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 12, 2010, 03:51:48 PM
(http://i44.tinypic.com/2qlyct4.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:24:34 PM
(http://i43.tinypic.com/23nuir.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:24:57 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/129115488545710051.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:25:23 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/129115798925121624.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:25:40 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/129116263845039545.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:26:26 PM
(http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/129115741043501184.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:26:52 PM
(http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129120274207011172.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:27:11 PM
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/engrish-funny-sponge-boob.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:27:44 PM
(http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/celebrity-pictures-jack-nicholson-need-pee.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:28:10 PM
(http://mthruf.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129123073481415417.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:28:38 PM
(http://thatwillbuffout.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/129115999749810357.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:29:09 PM
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/political-pictures-us-senate-healthcare-bill.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:29:31 PM
(http://hackedirl.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/129106548037341541.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 13, 2010, 02:30:06 PM
(http://images.oddlyspecific.com/oddlyspecific/2010/02/129099861411871257.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris on March 13, 2010, 11:33:13 PM
ha ha ha... some of thse are pretty good this week.

(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/funny-pictures-cat-looks-like-dustmop.jpg)

(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/funny-pictures-cat-has-a-visitor.jpg)

(http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/funny-dog-pictures-doin-there.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris on March 14, 2010, 03:40:41 AM
I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on March 15, 2010, 01:24:28 PM
(http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/winsurance.png)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 02:10:48 PM
(http://jimmycarter08.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/first-lady-change12.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 02:12:01 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129121842337975087.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 02:12:29 PM
(http://i40.tinypic.com/2qxx5ye.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 02:12:51 PM
(http://i43.tinypic.com/dhagr9.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 02:13:17 PM
(http://i40.tinypic.com/jipbtf.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 02:13:41 PM
(http://9gag.com/photo/19608_500sq.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 02:14:07 PM
(http://9gag.com/photo/19604_540.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 04:04:00 PM
(http://www.mordantorange.com/images/comics/misc/conspire.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 16, 2010, 06:37:44 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwEdMlauxY0[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 19, 2010, 09:55:39 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129122295204518563.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 19, 2010, 01:05:19 PM
(http://i40.tinypic.com/2vj3fit.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: AllosaursRus on March 19, 2010, 08:08:21 PM
(http://sites.google.com/a/wildblue.net/bruceptt/pic/ThatWasNotChicken.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Randy on March 21, 2010, 12:33:23 PM
(http://thatwillbuffout.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/129115999749810357.jpg)

Now THAT is freakin' cool!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 24, 2010, 07:03:42 PM
(http://i41.tinypic.com/nceaoi.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 31, 2010, 11:13:59 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129131089237200488.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 31, 2010, 11:15:05 AM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129141184522367208.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 31, 2010, 11:23:28 AM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129143579526632076.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Mike220 on March 31, 2010, 12:54:01 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129143579526632076.jpg)

Is that a Floriduh license plate?
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on March 31, 2010, 06:15:25 PM
(http://i43.tinypic.com/aemwbk.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on March 31, 2010, 09:20:32 PM
(http://i43.tinypic.com/aemwbk.jpg)

Is that Michelle Obama
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 01, 2010, 10:04:22 AM
I think so.  :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: DefiantSix on April 01, 2010, 03:23:15 PM
(http://i43.tinypic.com/aemwbk.jpg)

Quote
...Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the bitch's moustache is so mother****in' thick... 'cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak. I know a mother****in' Bigfoot when I see one! Don't bring a Bigfoot into my home, Gus! With my children? The bitch can't talk! She can't walk a flight of steps! She's not trained well, Gus! She can *not* walk steps! I'll bet she climbs the **** outta trees, though, don't she, Gus? Doesn't she? DOESN'T SHE? But you got to not bring her around here - **** her! And your mother****in' children? They're Bigfeet, too. They're half-Bigfoot, Gus, 'cause the mother****ers is 6 years old and have Afros 17 inches long. They're little hairy mother****ers, just like their mother. Look at the mother****ers! You know how I found out they was Bigfoot - when I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the mother****ers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the mother****in' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the **** are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this and the mother****ers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this mother****in' shit?" Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie-Goo-Goo." What the **** is going on here? Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, mother****er. You can take your mother****in' hairy fat-ass wife moustache bitch out the ****, you can go upstairs and get the mother****in' dog and scoop up the shit and take Eddie and get these motha****in' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' mother****in' kids of yours and put them in the mother****ing "Goonie-Goo-Goo"-mobile and get the **** out! And if my wife don't like that, she can get the **** out, too!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 03, 2010, 12:51:16 PM
From Roscoe Karns at Free Republic:

(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Michelle/run-from-esther1.jpg)

(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Looter/tiger_lootie.jpg)

(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Barack/barry_head-up.jpg)

(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Obama/obama_desk.jpg)

(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Michelle/geico_obama.jpg)


Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 03, 2010, 04:38:51 PM
If By Creative You Mean Creepy (http://wedinator.com/2010/04/02/funny-wedding-photos-if-by-creative-you-mean-creepy/)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 06, 2010, 01:54:52 PM
(http://www.investors.com/image/toonCF040510_FULL.jpg.cms)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on April 06, 2010, 02:53:46 PM
That is great
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 07, 2010, 01:11:20 PM
(http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129143848778764803.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 07, 2010, 01:17:55 PM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 07, 2010, 06:47:14 PM
Tiger ballet

Quote
Watch the tiger on the left. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how you quit a ballet company in style... You know some stage manager backstage was flipping his shit when he saw that

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSeHsy9RWTg[/youtube]


Alternate links:

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SN9XrTL76iA[/youtube]

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpKINd8NPwo[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 09, 2010, 11:07:14 AM
(http://i40.tinypic.com/14t22qr.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: vesta111 on April 11, 2010, 08:56:03 AM
Received:   Wed 4/7
 
Black **&@**!#s

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my #*^^#!=&s black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my !#=&+=+*s black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his @+#&^!*$s,

she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his

@$$&* in one hand and his $^!$^^^&s in the other,

lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure

you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen

very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
 
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on April 11, 2010, 06:11:37 PM
That was cute
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 14, 2010, 02:24:08 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28MBu7jHWrM[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 15, 2010, 04:06:57 PM
(http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129155751760030118.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 16, 2010, 12:30:08 PM
(http://9gag.com/photo/20891_500sq.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 17, 2010, 03:32:15 PM
(http://i42.tinypic.com/9v8ls6.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 18, 2010, 07:18:14 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z84AYN6_iUY[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 27, 2010, 12:21:27 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMb8Csll9Ws[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on April 29, 2010, 12:28:26 PM
(http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129165286775487129.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: DefiantSix on May 02, 2010, 10:42:52 PM
(http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa200/DefiantSix/Liberals_Page_1.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 03, 2010, 01:39:54 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129158313232935433.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on May 05, 2010, 09:30:20 PM
(http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129165286775487129.jpg)

I so love this.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on May 06, 2010, 06:51:53 AM
(http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa200/DefiantSix/Liberals_Page_1.jpg)




Those are great I am so stealing it from you
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 06, 2010, 03:21:26 PM
(http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129167643693536817.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris on May 06, 2010, 03:21:56 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/throwatspouse.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:21:21 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129161947198528817.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:27:27 AM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129173074737196776.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:29:51 AM
(http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129172406678632733.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:32:07 AM
(http://hackedirl.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129152197864402857.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:34:57 AM
(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/4/21/129163688064248972.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:37:33 AM
(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/5/3/129173519446886475.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:39:33 AM
(http://www.jokesaboutmothersday.com/images/better-mother/better-mother8.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:43:11 AM
(http://epicwinftw.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/ew-ati-sg.gif?w=320&h=240)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 07, 2010, 10:50:15 AM
(http://i41.tinypic.com/23vjn74.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 08, 2010, 01:34:45 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0906/godzilla-facepalm-godzilla-facepalm-face-palm-epic-fail-demotivational-poster-1245384435.jpg) (http://www.motifake.com/godzilla-facepalm-godzilla-facepalm-face-palm-epic-fail-demotivational-poster-61115.html)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Godot showed up on May 08, 2010, 04:13:43 PM
[youtube=425,350]<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-DsgZ4JXXB8&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-DsgZ4JXXB8&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Godot showed up on May 08, 2010, 05:38:22 PM
[youtube=425,350]<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/RRUbwnkEPqc&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/RRUbwnkEPqc&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: thundley4 on May 10, 2010, 08:58:25 AM
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?’
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 11, 2010, 12:38:17 PM
(http://cheezpictureisunrelated.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129167868934012100.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 13, 2010, 01:51:00 PM
(http://www.ilovebacon.com/v5/051210/a.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 14, 2010, 12:43:49 PM
(http://i44.tinypic.com/k2ekjl.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 17, 2010, 10:00:56 AM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129180597672766290.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on May 18, 2010, 04:06:06 AM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129180597672766290.jpg)
What?! I'm takin' it back!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 18, 2010, 11:23:14 AM
(http://artoftrolling.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129126641958228045.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 19, 2010, 03:07:43 PM
White Women's Workout (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/85bd6f85f7/white-women-s-workout)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 20, 2010, 12:40:46 PM
My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress (http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-ex-wifes-wedding-dress.html)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on May 20, 2010, 12:45:01 PM
That will make good evidence for the prosecution if she ever wants it back.  I did laugh at the Darth Vader picture, though.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 20, 2010, 12:46:34 PM
It's the way they sell 'em! From rude food to crazy cleaning products, the world's weirdest brands (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1279806/Its-way-sell-em-From-rude-food-crazy-cleaning-products-worlds-weirdest-brands.html)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 21, 2010, 02:03:48 PM
(http://thisisphotobomb.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129166859245689872.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 21, 2010, 02:04:07 PM
(http://www.thinkgeek.com/images/products/zoom/ae5e_zombie_protest.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 21, 2010, 02:04:31 PM
(http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129165230729926224.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 23, 2010, 01:24:09 PM
(http://iowntheworld.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/prehistoricobama.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 24, 2010, 11:10:48 AM
(http://i50.tinypic.com/hslwns.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 24, 2010, 11:56:41 AM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQEnknfZEGc[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 24, 2010, 12:51:47 PM
(http://i45.tinypic.com/34f1fr6.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 25, 2010, 11:51:27 AM
Some more Roscoe Karns stuff

(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Looter/lootie_picasso.jpg)(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Michelle/mo_sombrero.jpg)(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/misc3/kagan.jpg)(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Michelle/feet_do_your_stuff2.jpg)(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Michelle/michelle_mertz.jpg)(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Barack/rat_obama.jpg)(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Looter/lootie_signal.jpg)(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/misc3/lulu.jpg)(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Barack/obama_lootie_puppet.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 28, 2010, 01:47:19 PM
(http://www.ilovebacon.com/v5/052810/a.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 28, 2010, 05:27:13 PM
Original:
(http://i49.tinypic.com/2r3fdcn.jpg)

Roscoe Karns:
(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/misc3/hillary_rubberchicken.jpg)


Original:
(http://i46.tinypic.com/153mpvs.jpg)

Roscoe Karns:
(http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h124/Roscoe_Karns/Michelle/big_michelle.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 29, 2010, 11:11:59 AM
(http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2009/3/25/128825075025577352.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 30, 2010, 12:26:26 PM
(http://i46.tinypic.com/12161bq.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 02, 2010, 11:27:53 AM
(http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/predator.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 02, 2010, 01:44:08 PM
(http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/517/10000000.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 04, 2010, 12:52:52 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/129196697672670006.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 05, 2010, 06:20:31 PM
(http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/1445.jpg)
i'm scared... :(
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 13, 2010, 01:14:43 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prdwXfSvI3w[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 13, 2010, 06:10:22 PM
(http://i46.tinypic.com/2yuyir9.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 15, 2010, 04:56:25 PM
(http://i47.tinypic.com/6eetzo.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 17, 2010, 10:48:04 AM
(http://learnsomethingnewtoday.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/ebonics.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 17, 2010, 12:41:35 PM
(http://chzoddlyspecific.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/1290779727023712291.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 17, 2010, 05:13:18 PM
(http://jawdrops.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/OMG_WTF_LOL_59.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 18, 2010, 01:33:41 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnJ5I7ZJbVM[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 24, 2010, 12:30:48 PM
(http://i47.tinypic.com/20p7p52.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 25, 2010, 03:43:51 PM
(http://thisisphotobomb.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/129203833213614450.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: thundley4 on June 25, 2010, 05:01:33 PM
The golfing nun
A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother-540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.  The sweetest swing I ever made.  And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!

”No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… ’You missed the ****ing putt, didn’t you?’
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 29, 2010, 12:17:47 PM
R. Lee Ermey GEICO commercial

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhlWddAXSRA[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: PatriotGame on June 29, 2010, 03:02:29 PM
Two gay condoms walking downtown along the sidewalk. They come upon a gay bar. First condom says to the second, "say, ya wanna go inside and get shitfaced?"
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 30, 2010, 07:18:08 PM
Charles and Camilla(http://www.princeharry.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/prince_charles_camilla.jpg)

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said “Please remove my shoes darling. One’s feet are killing one”.

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. . .. But it would not budge.

“Harder”, yelled Camilla.

“Harder?”, Charles yelled back, “I’m trying darling! But it’s just so bloody tight!”

“Come on give it all you’ve got”, she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, “There! Oh God, that feels so good.”

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, “See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!”

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, “Oh god, darling this ones even tighter”.

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen, “That’s my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!”
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 30, 2010, 07:19:16 PM
:rofl:

That one's worth sharing.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 30, 2010, 07:21:12 PM
I sent it to all my former sailor friends...
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 02, 2010, 01:20:52 PM
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/political-pictures-hand-farts.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 03, 2010, 05:38:33 PM
TGIS – OBAMAS #95 – Leaving Your Beaver (http://iowntheworld.com/blog/?p=28123)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 04, 2010, 01:03:37 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2doVc_d9GHU[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on July 04, 2010, 01:05:30 PM
ha ha ha...  :lmao:

They got what they deserved.  Poor animal. :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 04, 2010, 05:55:17 PM
(http://www.wilsonsalmanac.com/toons/may4.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 08, 2010, 03:18:19 PM
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddy."

The man behind the counter says, The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today. The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddy turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddy.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is serving as President."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 23, 2010, 06:03:49 PM
(http://images.sodahead.com/profiles/0/0/1/2/0/7/9/8/7/race-baiting-1267555113.jpeg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on July 24, 2010, 11:28:33 AM
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddy."

The man behind the counter says, The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today. The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddy turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddy.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is serving as President."



 :rotf: :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 30, 2010, 11:39:11 AM
(http://i28.tinypic.com/25yxd2w.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on July 30, 2010, 11:42:24 AM
:rofl:  I like it.  Direct and to the point.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on July 30, 2010, 01:41:05 PM
I want that for my car
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 31, 2010, 11:30:18 AM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2PM0om2El8[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 02, 2010, 11:01:33 AM
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_x-HoxsP0Jtc/ShMGtPV7nMI/AAAAAAAAAKY/mRNi8Kh2lFg/s1600/free-range-whole-human.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: DefiantSix on August 02, 2010, 01:32:33 PM
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_x-HoxsP0Jtc/ShMGtPV7nMI/AAAAAAAAAKY/mRNi8Kh2lFg/s1600/free-range-whole-human.jpg)

I would never buy human that scrawny.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: vesta111 on August 02, 2010, 07:14:03 PM
I would never buy human that scrawny.

Before I would buy that I would want to know the sex, males have the extra oysters that females do not.

Where is the head ?? How do I make head cheese, marinated eyeballs or deep fry the cheeks.

Do we have to take classes from Kenya on how to roast the long Pig.?

I don't think this cooking fad will do well in America, but if we look hard enough we may find a few countries that will add this cooking show to their cable TV.

Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on August 02, 2010, 07:30:08 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/funny-pictures-kitten-naps-in-sunlight.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Hawkwarrior2 on August 03, 2010, 12:52:23 PM
(http://img18.imageshack.us/img18/7619/01020146092400.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on August 03, 2010, 01:04:36 PM
We have a whole thread just for Obama: http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,8967.0.html
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 03, 2010, 09:32:21 PM
(http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/ec2afff5-ea33-44d4-b714-64fac2f92380.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on August 04, 2010, 05:47:41 PM
(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/8/3/9600be6a-2abd-4e88-bf10-981bf7ce5e6e.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on August 04, 2010, 09:16:28 PM
(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/8/3/9600be6a-2abd-4e88-bf10-981bf7ce5e6e.gif)


Karma is a bitch :tongue:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 05, 2010, 04:09:05 PM
A doctor tells a prostitute that she is pregnant and asks her if she knows who the father is. She replies, "If you eat a can of beans, do you know which one made you fart?"
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Hawkwarrior2 on August 06, 2010, 09:23:33 AM
Liberals are like slinkies. They really ain't good for much but they bring a smile to your face whne you push them down a flight of stairs.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 06, 2010, 11:15:24 AM
Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby!'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome: Both result in death.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: PatriotGame on August 07, 2010, 12:40:59 AM
Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby!'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome: Both result in death.

:lmao: Been there - still carry the scars...

BTW, your avatar freaks me out for some reason. What is that?
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 07, 2010, 11:16:18 AM
BTW, your avatar freaks me out for some reason. What is that?

It's a Golem. The avatar is a still from this 90 year old movie. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Golem:_How_He_Came_into_the_World) I agree it is creepy. I'll look for another.

Edited: new avatar
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: PatriotGame on August 08, 2010, 05:33:17 AM
It's a Golem. The avatar is a still from this 90 year old movie. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Golem:_How_He_Came_into_the_World) I agree it is creepy. I'll look for another.

Edited: new avatar

No, no, no, no! You do not have to change it! I was just wondering what it was and, what it is for! Please! Do NOT change it on my behalf.
Personally *I* feel it is an icon of this board!

Maybe a thorough explanation of what a Golem really is would be beneficial                            .
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 08, 2010, 10:34:24 AM
A Golem is a man-made creature - a precursor to Frankenstein. The most famous Golem legend dates back to Jewish persecution in 16th century Prague, when Rabbi Judah Loew ben Bezalel created a Golem to protect the Jews in the Prague ghetto from anti-Semitic attacks. Golems are incredibly strong and cannot be killed in the conventional way.

This particular Golem eventually ran amok and started killing innocent people. The Rabbi then had to deactivate the Golem. On the Golem's forehead was inscribed the word "emet" - meaning truth in Hebrew. The Rabbi rubbed out the first letter of the word, leaving the word "met" - meaning dead in Hebrew. The Golem was thus deactivated.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golem

http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Judaism/Golem.html


Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: SSG Snuggle Bunny on August 08, 2010, 10:56:14 AM
With apologies to our religious and/or undead board members:

(http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129158962904702935.png)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 08, 2010, 02:22:59 PM
(http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/batmanbomb.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 08, 2010, 02:23:58 PM
(http://thisisphotobomb.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/60db759f-4d56-419d-9385-58fb08a68d39.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 09, 2010, 11:32:12 AM
(http://rlv.zcache.com/moray_eel_tshirt-p235102374383710441trlf_400.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 09, 2010, 02:37:44 PM
(http://upnextinsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/5a5660c6-70e0-42c2-af55-5bf57622756f.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: PatriotGame on August 11, 2010, 02:28:27 PM
(http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/batmanbomb.gif)
Now that is some funny shit right there!!!  :-)
Gawd I miss the old Batman...
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 11, 2010, 10:26:56 PM
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/2818cbb6-3183-4153-8f73-c6b28c9458e5.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 14, 2010, 05:57:43 PM
(http://i34.tinypic.com/6f8rhv.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 15, 2010, 12:03:42 AM
(http://i33.tinypic.com/2imatdx.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 15, 2010, 04:30:49 PM
(http://thatwillbuffout.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/funny-car-photos-stop-barking-the-cat-isnt-coming-down.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 15, 2010, 04:31:16 PM
(http://thisisphotobomb.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/d114e5ff-0478-45f8-8824-b1066da6e2f1.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 15, 2010, 04:31:41 PM
(http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/b764fa1c-4622-4b79-bc1c-37519078d1f1.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 15, 2010, 04:41:01 PM
(http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/arsenio_sg.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 16, 2010, 03:04:44 PM
(http://i34.tinypic.com/2ms0j2s.png)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: The Hollywood NeoCon on August 16, 2010, 04:26:55 PM
(http://www.edopter.com/images_user/ideas/200903/ox3L7Y)
Title: Epic Libtard Fail
Post by: The Hollywood NeoCon on August 16, 2010, 04:30:41 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/fail-owned-non-gender-fail.jpg?w=500&h=667)
Title: Epic LAUSD Fail
Post by: The Hollywood NeoCon on August 16, 2010, 04:32:35 PM
LAUSD: Los Angeles Unified Skool Distrik

(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/epic-fail-grammar-fail.jpg?w=480&h=640)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on August 24, 2010, 05:10:24 PM
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on September 02, 2010, 12:10:45 PM
I wonder if this is a formal or casual dress event.

(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/doowopnight.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 03, 2010, 12:22:17 PM
(http://i56.tinypic.com/29nxxu9.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on September 04, 2010, 09:13:56 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/demotivational-posters-responsibility.jpg)

(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/demotivational-posters-more-guard.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on September 05, 2010, 06:51:08 AM
(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/barack-beer.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 08, 2010, 12:23:02 PM
(http://i51.tinypic.com/zstug3.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: thundley4 on September 08, 2010, 12:36:54 PM
(http://i51.tinypic.com/zstug3.jpg)

:racist:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: AllosaursRus on September 09, 2010, 03:52:24 PM
:racist:

Too bad in my line of work, it turns out to be true!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 14, 2010, 10:55:31 AM
(http://i51.tinypic.com/15yekgg.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on September 15, 2010, 07:22:34 AM
(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/imgad.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: vesta111 on September 15, 2010, 09:07:49 AM
(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/imaged.jpg)

This is so funny, my dad often mentioned just that pointed at his neighbors house, however he wanted to place a string of pearls around the neck and spray paint the top of the head white.

The neighbor was not a fan of Barbara Bush.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 15, 2010, 10:50:02 AM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/zmrrq.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on September 15, 2010, 07:01:35 PM
Have no idea why it say it has been moved or deleted.  It's still on photobucket the same place I had it.  Go figure :confused:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: The Hollywood NeoCon on September 18, 2010, 07:00:37 PM
(http://blogs.friendlybeings.com/fun/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/owl.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 24, 2010, 11:53:42 AM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQnForWPm78[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on September 24, 2010, 02:52:23 PM
(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/ATT00008.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 24, 2010, 02:54:42 PM
(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/ATT00008.jpg)

 :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on September 24, 2010, 02:58:12 PM
And my favorite......

(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/Image.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on September 24, 2010, 02:59:21 PM
:rofl: Those are good.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: AllosaursRus on September 24, 2010, 05:00:03 PM
:rofl: Those are good.

Yeah, too bad we can't get away with them!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on September 24, 2010, 08:57:16 PM
Thanks for the smile I needed it
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on September 30, 2010, 04:45:54 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/parking_sm.jpg)
 :whatever:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 04, 2010, 01:39:37 PM
(http://weaselzippers.us/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/bsremoval.png)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 04, 2010, 01:39:51 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/129075821750451464.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 04, 2010, 01:40:15 PM
(http://thatwillbuffout.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/13e83f4d-4092-4e1f-9bb3-32e7902ac8f2.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 04, 2010, 01:40:45 PM
(http://www.zimdollar.co.za/Pics/zimMil_17.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 04, 2010, 01:41:15 PM
(http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/d88eadf9-bd96-4523-9f40-00342e25aeb5.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 04, 2010, 01:41:45 PM
(http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/91f46bb9-a2a9-44fc-9481-8e354c39719f.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 04, 2010, 01:44:04 PM
How It Should Have Ended (http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com/)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 04, 2010, 01:44:35 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 05, 2010, 04:44:59 PM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/fuuz5s.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 11, 2010, 05:18:41 PM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/np59qb.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 11, 2010, 10:06:48 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
 
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 14, 2010, 02:18:43 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zh8yzvs8EM4[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 15, 2010, 05:42:26 PM
(http://i56.tinypic.com/24439xy.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 24, 2010, 02:32:53 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/fail-owned-laundry-fail.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 26, 2010, 01:32:41 PM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/j97slj.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on October 27, 2010, 07:58:05 PM
^^HA HA! :cheersmate: :lmao:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on October 28, 2010, 12:28:07 PM
(http://failfun.com/wp-content/uploads/wedding-invitation.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on October 29, 2010, 12:15:39 AM
A man got rushed to the hospital,
doctors found he had six toy horses up his butt.

His condition is stable.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Wineslob on October 29, 2010, 12:27:07 PM
 :thatsright:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on October 29, 2010, 08:21:05 PM
A man got rushed to the hospital,
doctors found he had six toy horses up his butt.

His condition is stable.
DOH!!! :lmao: :cheersmate:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on October 30, 2010, 12:24:30 AM
An unconscious man was rushed to the hospital
Doctors found a spoon lodged in his colon
he hasn't stirred
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on October 30, 2010, 12:24:40 AM
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.

Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 14, 2010, 11:25:37 AM
Oops! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB2GboGOuTI)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 14, 2010, 11:26:58 AM
(http://i52.tinypic.com/f9mgld.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on November 14, 2010, 12:44:03 PM
An unconscious man was rushed to the hospital
Doctors found a spoon lodged in his colon
he hasn't stirred
:rotf: :cheersmate:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 21, 2010, 04:35:50 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVNDI2IaUeo[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on November 22, 2010, 10:21:44 AM
:rotf: :cheersmate:
Did you hear about the guy who passed out after swallowing $100 in quarters?
He was rushed to the hospital, but, so far, there has been no change. :D
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on November 22, 2010, 06:30:23 PM
(http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/3ee56475c332ba7de25880b075c110ea.png)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on November 22, 2010, 06:33:45 PM
awww, you care.

:-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Mike220 on November 27, 2010, 08:21:58 PM
If decomposing dinosaurs run oil power plants, do decomposing politicians run geothermal power plants?
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on November 28, 2010, 12:40:02 AM
I got a sweater.


I would have preferred a moaner or a screamer
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on November 29, 2010, 12:51:24 PM
At least you got somebody. :thumbs:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on November 29, 2010, 07:41:13 PM
I got a sweater. I would have preferred a moaner or a screamer
:-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on December 02, 2010, 04:18:03 PM
(http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/e9f8a149-f3cb-4664-82d2-ec5f26450e5e.jpg)   :whistling:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: ColonialMarine0431 on December 02, 2010, 04:31:39 PM
"Safe" sex

(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/ColonialMarine/GIFS-Animated/1242115138_SafeSex.gif)

 :naughty:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on December 02, 2010, 04:32:11 PM
:rimshot:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 03, 2010, 12:29:16 PM
(http://i51.tinypic.com/2m2vo1z.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on December 03, 2010, 08:11:13 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 04, 2010, 10:53:51 AM
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD


Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you have a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happen to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...

Well, Shit Happens!!!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: ColonialMarine0431 on December 04, 2010, 11:23:09 AM
(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/ColonialMarine/b-385482-funny_birthday.jpg)

Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 06, 2010, 12:54:52 PM
(http://i53.tinypic.com/219dz80.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 07, 2010, 12:14:57 PM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/ivza52.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: DefiantSix on December 07, 2010, 12:23:20 PM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/ivza52.jpg)


BOOOO!


Bad Golem!  No mudpies for you!   :angryvillagers:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 07, 2010, 04:33:37 PM
(http://harmful.cat-v.org/security-theater/_imgs/tsa-pedobear-logo.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Janice on December 08, 2010, 12:30:01 AM
(http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f251/WereBo/Cartoons/TSA-Mistletoe.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 09, 2010, 11:43:51 AM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n74VsnC3u-E[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on December 09, 2010, 11:57:58 AM
ha ha ha ha... :evil:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: ColonialMarine0431 on December 09, 2010, 01:28:07 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n74VsnC3u-E[/youtube]

 :lmao:

Hilarious!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on December 09, 2010, 06:56:56 PM
Another one saved from last year e-mail, from my warped mind - but typical government 'make work'

(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/Government-Snow-Plow.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on December 09, 2010, 06:58:53 PM
Another one saved from last year e-mail, from my warped mind - but typical government 'make work'

(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/Government-Snow-Plow.gif)
:rofl: Don't give them any ideas.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on December 09, 2010, 08:16:01 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n74VsnC3u-E[/youtube]
That was great. :bwah:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Janice on December 11, 2010, 09:44:41 AM
(http://i51.tinypic.com/lwro6.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 11, 2010, 10:43:13 AM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLqYC5uxlzM[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on December 11, 2010, 07:12:11 PM
^^That's gonna leave a mark. :hyper:
They seemed to get worse as they went on. :o
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on December 11, 2010, 08:25:25 PM
(http://www.mordantorange.com/mo/comics/2007-11-14.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 12, 2010, 12:21:06 PM
Mexican Oysters


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sí, señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: ColonialMarine0431 on December 12, 2010, 12:43:56 PM
Gangsta Bunnies...

(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/ColonialMarine/funnycartoonmerrychristmas.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on December 13, 2010, 06:58:25 AM
Another last year e-mail, that the warped mind thought funny;

Diary of a Snow Shoveler---

Dec. 8: 6:00PM
It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge snowflakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

Dec. 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life.

Dec. 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of the winter that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm  glad he's our neighbor.

Dec. 14:
Snow, lovely snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to -20 degrees after.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

Dec. 15:
20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that's silly,  We're not in Alaska, after all.

Dec.16:
Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour,  which I think was very cruel.

Dec.17:
Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.  God I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

Dec. 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling,  Took all day.  *oddamn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.

Dec. 23:
Only 2" of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0 degrees.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What - is she nuts!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did, but I think she's lying.

Dec. 24:
6".  Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a *(itch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his *alls.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the *oddamn snowplow.

Dec. 25:
Merry Christmas.  20 more inches of the *^=D#^( slop last night.  Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  God I hate snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's and idiot.  If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

Dec.26
Still snowed in.  Why in the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.

Dec. 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 below and the pipes froze.

Dec.28:
Warmed up to above -20 degees below.  Still snowed in.  The *ITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!!

Dec. 29:
10 more inches last night.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof, or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

Dec. 30:
Roof caved in.  The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars.  The wife went home to her mother.  9 more inches predicted.

Dec. 31:
City billed me $500.00 for plowing and shoveling.  Set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.

Jan. 8:
I feel so good, I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed??


Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on December 26, 2010, 01:35:28 AM
(http://chzhistoriclols.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/funny-pictures-history-sorry-folks-i-only-have-a-debit-card.jpg)
:rofl:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 30, 2010, 04:52:28 PM
(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_images/real/763.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: compaqxp on December 31, 2010, 03:45:05 AM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aotlEpmAFVQ&feature=related[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on December 31, 2010, 12:01:15 PM
 :lmao:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on December 31, 2010, 12:53:58 PM
(http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/squirrelfailp1.gif) :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: ColonialMarine0431 on December 31, 2010, 01:10:23 PM
(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/ColonialMarine/GIFS-Animated/kick3.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on December 31, 2010, 02:20:54 PM
(http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/squirrelfailp1.gif) :-)
:rotf:
That's gonna leave a mark. :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: ColonialMarine0431 on January 05, 2011, 04:25:49 PM
(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/ColonialMarine/capt_3a5a3971d9b049dabbf4bc2e19ea21f1-3a5a3971d9b049dabbf4bc2e19ea21f1-0.jpg)


Bang! Bang! Boehner's silver hammer
Came down upon her head.
Clang! Clang! Boehner's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead.


Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 07, 2011, 10:54:55 AM
(http://i56.tinypic.com/w9ff35.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 07, 2011, 11:23:45 AM
(http://www.whiterabbitcult.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Obama-Fly-Bullshit-1.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: true_blood on January 07, 2011, 12:19:07 PM
^^ :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 08, 2011, 09:55:50 PM
Zombie stationery (http://www.boingboing.net/2011/01/07/zombie-stationery.html)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 09, 2011, 12:47:49 PM
Politically incorrect jokes (You've probably heard some of these before)


I was at a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night. I lost by one point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, it's Africa. One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened up nearby, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on January 09, 2011, 10:26:10 PM
Kitty! :bawl:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3HGx6973iA&feature=related[/youtube]

Kitty ran away. :( :lmao:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 15, 2011, 12:51:05 PM
A Gentlemen’s Disagreement (http://senorgif.memebase.com/2011/01/05/funny-gifs-a-gentlemens-disagreement/)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: littlelamb on January 15, 2011, 04:00:20 PM
Kitty! :bawl:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3HGx6973iA&feature=related[/youtube]

Kitty ran away. :( :lmao:


Too funny
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 17, 2011, 04:13:47 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/88e6ae9c-ddab-467e-be06-bce51ae57b63.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 17, 2011, 09:02:13 PM
(http://i56.tinypic.com/zjtpuw.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 19, 2011, 01:30:56 PM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/358s2tk.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on January 19, 2011, 01:40:29 PM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/358s2tk.jpg)

Thanks for sharing Golem!  BTW, I liked the previous Golem avatar better.  Just sayin.   :whistling:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 19, 2011, 04:50:55 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm_t3g4RhpY[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: compaqxp on January 19, 2011, 05:45:05 PM
(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/funny-pictures-edna-opened-a-can-of-whoop-ass.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Eagle Kammback on January 19, 2011, 07:49:27 PM
(http://static.lolstream.com/images/1334_PeEie4e.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 20, 2011, 09:49:45 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb97nlbJD0Q[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 29, 2011, 01:36:01 PM
(http://www.remixito.com/images/actu/politique/breaking-news/breaking-wind.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 30, 2011, 06:23:10 PM
Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on January 31, 2011, 03:38:55 PM
(http://i52.tinypic.com/2mchn9x.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on February 05, 2011, 03:59:34 AM
Painting the Church


There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me!  What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on February 05, 2011, 11:57:16 AM
 :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on February 05, 2011, 05:18:46 PM
A guy goes to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "The first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on February 07, 2011, 08:38:10 AM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/_S0BtP.jpg)
http://www.boingboing.net/2011/02/04/spoof-of-classic-ore.html
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 01:24:38 PM
Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists  found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years.
The French came to the  conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries  ago.



Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth  of 2,000 meters.
Shortly thereafter headlines in the UK newspapers read: 
"English archaeologists have found traces of a 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French.



 One week  later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as  deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, they found absolutely nothing. 
They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using  wireless.

 

Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 01:31:48 PM
A rare photo of the Royal Navy's Harrier jump jet fleet just prior to disbanding due to the present UK 's defence budget cuts, flying over the Houses of Parliament in London.

You have to squint a bit to see the message the pilots are sending to the Government

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3QqO8EXd-II/TTyNn0W2UOI/AAAAAAAA8gw/-6kqFN4aH9I/s1600/harrier%2Bflyby.jpeg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: IassaFTots on February 09, 2011, 01:32:56 PM
Most Excellent namvet!!!
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 01:33:56 PM
How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 01:40:55 PM
Most Excellent namvet!!!

got that in an email from a retired officer i served with on the Newport News
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 01:45:46 PM
(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc37/msaps9020/nagging.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 01:50:42 PM
(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc37/msaps9020/dontask.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 01:55:19 PM
(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc37/msaps9020/voyer.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 01:58:44 PM
(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc37/msaps9020/attitude.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 02:05:37 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/demotivational-posters-dude1.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on February 09, 2011, 02:13:56 PM
(http://i227.photobucket.com/albums/dd2/king_voodoo/ATT00080.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Starring Emma on February 15, 2011, 04:48:40 AM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-shirt-fail.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Starring Emma on February 15, 2011, 05:22:55 AM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fail-owned-shirt-fail.jpg)

(http://media.bigoo.ws/content/97/267697/Funny-But-Stupid-People-Pictures.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on February 21, 2011, 10:44:18 AM
Laser Cat Bowling (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9a7_1298148929)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on February 23, 2011, 03:56:21 PM
(http://i51.tinypic.com/k1qwrt.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on March 26, 2011, 08:51:31 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/Just_Divorced.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on March 27, 2011, 02:29:13 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/rs036-1.jpg)
 :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on April 21, 2011, 04:10:09 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/undercover-breastfeeding.jpg)
:???:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on April 21, 2011, 04:32:06 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/reaction.png)
http://nation.foxnews.com/culture/2011/04/21/fifth-graders-react-during-sex-ed-class
 :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 01, 2011, 10:12:40 AM
(http://i52.tinypic.com/2ebbls8.jpg)

(http://i54.tinypic.com/aff2iw.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: The Hollywood NeoCon on May 02, 2011, 02:51:10 PM
(http://i52.tinypic.com/2ebbls8.jpg)

(http://i54.tinypic.com/aff2iw.jpg)

You don't say much, you ancient Hebrew monster you, but when you do, it's fookin priceless!!!  :cheersmate:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 06, 2011, 12:57:01 PM
(http://i54.tinypic.com/1zgc682.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on May 07, 2011, 11:03:09 AM
(http://i54.tinypic.com/1zgc682.gif)
I've seen this stupid shit, and have one thing to say about it:
 Bitch please
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: thundley4 on May 07, 2011, 12:46:22 PM
I've seen this stupid shit, and have one thing to say about it:
 Bitch please

I think it came from one of the late night shows. It was done well before bin Laden went to meet his virgins.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: CG6468 on May 07, 2011, 06:16:46 PM
I bet he didn't get a warm welcome from those Virginians!!!  :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on May 13, 2011, 08:59:27 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/demotivational-posters-pleasing-women.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: DefiantSix on May 13, 2011, 06:13:30 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/demotivational-posters-pleasing-women.jpg)

Ah, I see the abridged version has finally come out in paperback.  :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: rustybayonet on May 14, 2011, 06:31:36 AM
Ah, I see the abridged version has finally come out in paperback.  :-)
:yahoo:  (http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/rustybayonet_2009/Things/080318-130850-1.jpg)   :yahoo:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on May 19, 2011, 11:04:51 AM
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman said, "I have to ask you this.Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on May 25, 2011, 06:07:09 PM
(http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/55f1ad6a-cad4-4230-97e3-12dded5b821b.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 03, 2011, 01:04:51 PM
(http://i53.tinypic.com/ir2h41.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 04, 2011, 10:47:43 AM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/Chairs.gif)

They see me rollin'... they hatin'.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 04, 2011, 12:00:56 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/Chairs.gif)

They see me rollin'... they hatin'.

 :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 09, 2011, 08:39:06 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/myniggatreyshon.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 13, 2011, 08:19:49 PM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/af07e135-5324-45a4-be37-7cb8071b5105.jpg)

Mark it on your calendar.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 23, 2011, 10:45:34 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/modded-stop-signs-01.jpg) (http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/modded-stop-signs-02.jpg)

Heh.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Firechild on June 24, 2011, 12:02:00 AM
Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.' Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped. The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.'


Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on June 24, 2011, 07:47:54 AM
Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.' Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped. The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.'




+5
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on June 24, 2011, 07:53:14 AM
Barack and Michelle are at the St Louis Cardinals game.
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...........the fans would love it!"
So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right; I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
 
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Big Don on June 24, 2011, 11:06:51 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK3Eo9cScEQ&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on June 28, 2011, 01:46:44 PM
 I USED TO BE FRED JOHNSON

A highway patrolman stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him
for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer
thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so
I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so
then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and
she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred..'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.



Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on June 28, 2011, 01:59:26 PM
 :lmao: poor Fred.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: CG6468 on June 29, 2011, 08:49:58 AM
A woman walked into the downtown Detroit welfare office, trailed by 15 kids . . .

“WOW, ” the social worker exclaimed, “are they ALL YOURS???”

“Yep they's all mine, ” the flustered mamma sighed, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She said, “Sit down Leroy.”

All the children rush to find seats.

“Well, ” said the social worker, “you must be here to sign up.  I’ll need the names of all of your children.”

“This one’s my oldest – his name is Leroy” the woman said, “and this one is Leroy also.”

The social worker raised an eyebrow but continued.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

“All right, ” said the caseworker. “I’m seeing a pattern here.  Are they ALL named Leroy?”

Their Mamma replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ And when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ and they all comes a running. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Leroy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.”

The social worker thought this over for a bit, then wrinkled her forehead and said tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come and not the whole bunch?”

“Then I calls 'em by dey last names.”
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on June 30, 2011, 11:58:26 AM
(http://i53.tinypic.com/2017dh.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: FreeBorn on July 09, 2011, 11:00:04 PM
Bay Area News~

Police in California have yet to release the name of a drowning victim found in a creek pending notification of family.
Judging from the man's broken ankle and toxicology of a .23% B.A.C. the Medical Examiner surmises the victim had trouble walking in his spiked heel shoes and fell from the footbridge connecting his trailer park and the adjoining trailer park of a friend whom the victim had been visiting.
The victim was found wearing fishnet stockings, garter belt, thong, hot pink lipstick and an Obama T-shirt.
Police removed the Obama T-shirt so as to spare the family any embarrassment.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Big Don on July 11, 2011, 12:35:57 PM
I can't be a gynecologist, I can't even look a woman in the EYE.
Raj, The Big Bang Theory
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: DefiantSix on July 12, 2011, 02:23:11 PM
Obama  goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.  After  his talk he offers question time.  One little boy puts up his hand and  Obama asks him his name.
 
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
 
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
 
"I have 4 questions:
 
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
 
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more  votes?
 
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden ?"
 
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all  Americans don't have health insurance?
 
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
 
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:  question time . Who has a question?"
 
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
 
"Steve," he responds.
 
"And what is your question, Steve?"
 
Actually, I have 6 questions.
 
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
 
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
 
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
 
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
 
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
 
And sixth, what the heck happened to Stanley ?"
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 15, 2011, 10:00:41 AM
Banjo 1 (http://banjohitler.ytmnd.com/)

Banjo 2 (http://hitleronabanjo.ytmnd.com/)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 15, 2011, 11:44:50 AM
(http://i54.tinypic.com/t0t4ly.gif)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on July 22, 2011, 07:24:39 PM
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming...

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die".
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on July 22, 2011, 10:08:19 PM
Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,


'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 24, 2011, 11:41:56 AM
This guy goes to the doctor and says to him, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I fart it sounds like the word 'Honda'."

"That's interesting. Never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy says, "Sure." He farts and sure enough the doctor hears, "Honda."

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts say, "Honda." It is a completely out-of-this-world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opens up the guy's mouth and examines it.

The dentist says "A-ha! I have solved the problem."

The patient says "What is it? What is it? Please tell me doc."

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

The guy says "Yeah. So what has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 24, 2011, 08:10:09 PM
Alexander the Great and his staff meetings

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6.00 p.m. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6.00 p.m. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6.00 p.m. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6.00 p.m.," he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6.00 p.m. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6.00 p.m. by the colour change, and could consistently get to the 6.00 p.m. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6.00 p.m., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a time-band, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... Alexander's Rag Time-band!"
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 25, 2011, 12:37:30 PM
To those of you celebrating birthdays today:

(http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/filestorage/todays-anniversary-being-expelled-birthday-ecard-someecards.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Big Don on July 25, 2011, 06:13:16 PM
If you think about it, Father's day is Mother ****er's day
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 26, 2011, 04:03:09 PM
(http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/song-chart-memes-happy-dog.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 29, 2011, 12:12:06 PM
[youtube=640,390]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a69RpEBJFAY[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on July 29, 2011, 12:24:08 PM
Ha!  That was excellent. :lmao:

I'm going to go post this on Facebook now....
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: JLO on August 05, 2011, 10:18:37 PM
Ha!  That was excellent. :lmao:

I'm going to go post this on Facebook now....

Ha!  I would also, if I had a Facebook   :rofl:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on August 18, 2011, 07:27:18 PM
A little old man went into a drug store to buy Viagra. He says "Can I have six tablets and can you cut them into quarters for me?" "I can cut them into quarters, sir" says the pharmacist "but a quarter won't give you a full erection." "I don't mind" says the old man. "I'm 96 and don't have any use for an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my feet".

--

I spent three hours at the wife's grave this afternoon... bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

--

A little old lady walks into a neighbourhood vegetable market. She says "Luigi, I will take 3lbs of tomatoes, 5lbs of potatoes, 1/2 dozen oranges and 6 bananas".

Luigi says "Looka lady, we ain't got no bananas. The lady then says "Thats okay Luigi, I am changing my order. You better make that 7lbs of tomatoes, 1 dozen of oranges, 10 lbs. of potatoes and I really need 9 bananas.

Luigi says "Looka lady, I been a telling you we got no bananas. The lady says "That's okay Luigi, I am changing my order. Give me 5lbs of tomatoes, 10 lbs. of potatoes, 1/2 dozen oranges, 5 lbs. of grapes and you better make that 12 bananas.

Luigi says "Looka lady, ifa you takea the 'to' out of tomato, what do you got?" The lady says 'Mato'. Luigi says "If you takea the 'po' out of potato, what do you got?" The lady says 'Tato'. Luigi says "Good, and ifa you takea the '****' out of banana, what do you got?" The lady says "There ain't no **** in banana". Luigi says "Thatsa what I have been trying to tellin you - there ain't no ****in' bananas".
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on August 18, 2011, 08:07:28 PM
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/13.jpg)

99-cent underwear may sound like a deal, but don't be fooled.  You get what you pay for.
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: namvet on August 18, 2011, 08:23:48 PM
why do muslims hate pigs???

they envy the cork screw dick
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Chris_ on August 28, 2011, 09:26:17 PM
(http://thisisphotobomb.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/photobomb-that-guy-wait-for-it-wait-for-it.jpg)
 :o :-)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 20, 2011, 12:07:59 PM
(http://i55.tinypic.com/2urxws1.jpg)
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 20, 2011, 10:30:14 PM
At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Navy fighter pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on September 27, 2011, 10:51:42 AM
[youtube=700,420]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJP1DphOWPs[/youtube]
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Golem on July 22, 2012, 02:26:21 PM
My daughter walked into the family living room last night and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone that wants it."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that.

She actually said, "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Muhammed. We're going to work together on President Obama's re-election campaign."
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Bondai on August 29, 2012, 10:24:30 AM
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender say's "That's cool as hell where did you get it?" The parrot say's "Africa, there's million's of them". :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
Title: Re: General humor thread
Post by: Big Don on October 29, 2012, 10:50:06 PM
Did you hear about the woman who got oak breast implants?
…this joke would probably be better if it had a punchline, wooden tit?
Title: Re: The Coach/Humor
Post by: sneakypete on August 05, 2017, 06:24:11 PM
 Someone send me this in an email,and it's too good to not share.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the  coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

=====================================================================================================

You know who you are........