Dog Checks Democrat Owner Into Therapy After Traumatic 4th Of July Fireworks ShowAccording to sources, Sammy, a local Beagle, has checked his progressive owner Carl Sphincter into therapy for post-traumatic stress after last night's fireworks show.
Witnesses say the show featured excessive displays of patriotism, flag-waving, and rockets' red glare, which caused Sammy's liberal owner to run and hide under his bed and whimper for several hours.
"Look at all this American pride, even though America is on stolen land and minorities are still oppressed!" said Sphincter, according to a close family member. "Every explosion is like a big 'white supremacy bomb' in the sky! And they're loud and scary!"
He then tweeted angrily about how awful America is and then wet his pants.
In related news, another dog named Bullitt also checked his Trump-supporting owner into therapy after he read Sphincter's anti-American tweet.
George Washington To Be Replaced On Mount Rushmore By George FloydKEYSTONE, SD—Racial equity and advocacy groups are celebrating today after the announcement that George Washington's face will be removed from Mount Rushmore and replaced with a likeness of civil rights icon George Floyd.
State and federal authorities confirmed today that the demolition will begin in August, with hopes to have a fresh carving of George Floyd taking its place by next spring. In a compromise with Republicans, authorities are letting the first name of "George" remain unchanged.
"We are overjoyed," said BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors from the balcony of her new three-story seaside villa in the Bahamas. "George Floyd has done more for America than George Washington could ever dream of. I mean-- what did Washington ever do? Wear a wig and have bad teeth?"
"This will be an everlasting monument to the integrity, wisdom, and pure angelic goodness of Saint Floyd-- the man who saved America by giving us an excuse to dismantle it."
"We are also overjoyed," said Bob Three Eagle, a Sioux Nation Tribal Council member. "Mount Rushmore stands as an everlasting symbol of the theft and desecration of our lands. But if our land and memory are going to be desecrated, we want them to be desecrated by George Floyd-- the hero of the oppressed."
Nancy Pelosi has announced she will be at the unveiling ceremony to offer up a prayer and thank George Floyd for dying for the cause of justice. They will then play music as the citizens of South Dakota collectively face the monument and bow down before it.
Democrats hope this change will be the first step to replacing the remaining faces with likenesses of Malcolm X, Joseph Stalin, and Karl Marx.
Democrat Baker Sued For Refusing To Write ‘TRUMP WON’ Message On CakeBIRMINGHAM, AL—A new front has opened in the cake wars, this time with the owner of 'Do Better Bakery' coming under fire for refusing to bake a Trump-themed cake for local man Beau Nelson.
"All I wanted was to have a Trump-themed birthday," said Mr. Nelson. "We had it all set up-- pin the crack pipe on Hunter, a Mike Pence piñata-- then the baker throws a fit about writing 'Trump Won' on a cake! Said he refused to 'spread the yeast of insurrection'...is this knuckle-head using yeast in cakes?"
The owner of the bakery, Mr. Oliver Bennett, has steadfastly refused to back down. "We here at the 'Do Better Bakery' exist to support diversity, equity, and inclusion. It's why I've moved to using only black flour, baking bread that identifies as cake, and occasionally firing myself out of guilt. And this guy wants me to bless the Big Lie with cake? I'd rather take this mask off, catch COVID, not take hydroxychloroquine, and die!"
Attorney General Merrick Garland, his schedule cleared after recently being smacked down by the Supreme Court, took time to weigh in on the case. "It's such a terrible violation of rights to be asked to write a lie with delicious frosting. A business should always have the right to refuse a customer asking them to violate their own conscience. To be clear, that's totally different from the Masterpiece Cakeshop guy being asked to violate his conscience. Why? Because I say so! Hahahahahaha oh man this job is the best!"
According to sources, Mr. Nelson did consider going to the 'MAGA Bakery' to get his cake, but it was all the way across the street and he thought it would be more fun to trigger a "liberal snowflake" baker.
Gender Inequality: Women Will Only Save 12 Cents On Their Cookouts This YearU.S.—America is celebrating today after the Biden administration announced that people will save a full 16 cents on their cookouts this year. While this has been welcome news for most, it has also exposed the dark underbelly of America's continuing struggle against gender inequality.
This is because for every 16 cents a man saves on his cookout, the average woman will only save 12 cents.
"I wish I could say I was surprised by this," said Senator and equality expert Elizabeth Warren. "I'm actually not surprised in the least since we live in an evil, sexist country. Please donate to my campaign now, since I said a really progressive thing."
An uprising of 6 women across the country has taken to the streets to protest this injustice, demanding legislation to enact price controls on all food forever. "We think this is a reasonable proposal," said one organizer.
Opposition to the legislation insists that the savings gap between men and women would even out if women didn't keep getting suckered by that little knick-knack section by the entrance to Target.
And finally for dessert:
Journalists Facing Slow News Day As Biden Has Not Eaten Ice Cream YetU.S.—Journalists across the country are struggling to fill broadcast time and newspaper space today. According to sources, there is almost nothing interesting or important to cover in the news, since Biden hasn't eaten an ice cream cone yet.
"Ugh... why is this so hard?" said Washington Post correspondent Sethro McBubbles as he banged his head against the keyboard. "Crimewave in Chicago? Meh. Crackdown in Hong Kong? Boring. Oh, WHY can't President Biden go get another chocolate chocolate chip waffle cone? Now THAT would be newsworthy. I hate slow news days."
According to sources, McBubbles was torn between filling space with coverage of a local story where a rabid squirrel disrupted a pie-eating contest, or starting an investigation into why tube socks are racist.
His thoughts were interrupted by a blaring siren and red light in the newsroom indicating breaking news.
"Biden's making a stop at Dairy Queen! WE NEED SOMEONE ON-SITE TO FIND OUT WHAT FLAVOR HE ORDERED!"
"Yes! Here we go!" said McBubbles while grabbing his equipment and running out the door as fast as he could. "I love my job!"
