Author Topic: Paraprosdokians  (Read 138 times)

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Offline Workover

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Paraprosdokians
« on: March 30, 2021, 09:23:12 AM »

 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'.

 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .

 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.

 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

Offline Workover

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Re: Paraprosdokians
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2021, 06:40:18 PM »
Comedians:
“Take my wife – please!” -Henny Youngman
 
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. –Groucho Marx

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. –Mitch Hedberg

Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me. –Stewart Francis

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. –Rodney Dangerfield

My husband can't stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house – he can't stand the competition. –Phyllis Diller

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. –George Carlin

There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t. –Unknown

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. –Jack Handey

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. –Milton Berle

I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge. –Robin Williams

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,'”but I don't have that much time. –Stephen Wright

Always remember my grandfather’s last words: “A truck!” –Emo Phillips

Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones. –Joan Rivers
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

Offline Workover

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Re: Paraprosdokians
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2021, 06:40:56 PM »
On TV:
If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker. –The Simpsons (1989)

You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die. –Golden Girls

If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer. –Friends 

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.” –Seinfeld

When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome. And then you spoke. –As Good as It Gets (1997)

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. –The Office

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room! –Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

I hope that someday you'll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying someone else to raise them. –The Addams Family

Her lips said “No," but her eyes said “read my lips.” –Frasier

She thinks I’m too critical. That’s another fault of hers. –Arrested Development
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

Offline Workover

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Re: Paraprosdokians
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2021, 06:41:41 PM »
Writers:

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. –Mark Twain

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. -Peter De Vries

I have the heart of a small boy – in a glass jar on my desk. –Stephen King

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. –A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him. –Joseph Heller, Catch 22

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. –Robert Benchley

Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. –Dave Barry

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is. – Oscar Wilde

He’s a writer for the ages…for the ages of four to eight. –Dorothy Parker
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

Offline Workover

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Re: Paraprosdokians
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2021, 06:46:25 PM »
Politicians:

Thomas Jefferson once said, “We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.” And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying. –Ronald Reagan

You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure. –John F. Kennedy

We can always count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all the other possibilities. –Winston Churchill

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. –Herbert Hoover

People say I'm indecisive, but I don't know about that. –George H.W. Bush

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. –Benjamin Franklin

If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome. –Barack Obama (Strike three. He has no strength. He has no humility. He’s far from “awesome”)
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

Offline Ralph Wiggum

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Re: Paraprosdokians
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2021, 07:08:42 PM »
#13 on your first list of the thread always makes me laugh.

Remember someone saying something similar.  Your line:

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

An alternative: "Maybe I'll be more decisive today"
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Offline Workover

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Re: Paraprosdokians
« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2021, 07:54:04 PM »
#13 on your first list of the thread always makes me laugh.

Remember someone saying something similar.  Your line:

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

An alternative: "Maybe I'll be more decisive today"

That one is attributed to W in the politician’s section.
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

Offline ABC-2

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Re: Paraprosdokians
« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2021, 08:14:50 PM »
#6 on your list is my favorite, Workover ...

Quote
" War does not determine who is right - only who is left."

Can be taken both ways & both would correct!   :)

RATS!  Forgot to look up the word "Paraprosdokians"  whoever they are!


« Last Edit: March 31, 2021, 08:17:38 PM by ABC-2 »
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