Author Topic: Stories from about....  (Read 144 times)

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Stories from about....
« on: January 22, 2021, 01:53:09 PM »
HEART WARMING LAWYER STORY

  One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men  along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
 "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."
 "Well, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
 "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated,
"You may come with us, also."
 The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
 "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

 Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,  "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
 
 Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?
 Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

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Re: Stories from about....
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2021, 01:55:44 PM »
Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

Later, the priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without   your hat than burn in hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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Re: Stories from about....
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2021, 01:59:45 PM »
Drafting Guys Over 70.

I am over 70 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.  You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got   the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.  You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  'My back hurts!??  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'.  We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am.  Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.  Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at by the wives and we're used to soft food  We've also developed an appreciation for guns.  We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.  I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.  He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!??

How about recruiting Women over 50... in Menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol.  They'll have it secured the first night!
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Re: Stories from about....
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2021, 02:05:58 PM »
British Speech Therapist

Over in the U.K. , a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

 
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
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Re: Stories from about....
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2021, 04:15:18 PM »
NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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Re: Stories from about....
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2021, 04:16:57 PM »
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool "OLD" people.
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh, quit whining, I fell for it, too!
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!