25 Reasons You Might Be a Liberal by John Hawkins

[tuolumnejim]

Just saw this one.  

25 Reasons You Might Be a Liberal by John Hawkins

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, you just might be a liberal if…

* You're sure the Constitution explicitly guarantees the right to abortion and gay marriage, but not the right to own a handgun.
* You think Dan Quayle is the dumbest Vice-President we ever had because he believed a flash card that misspelled "potato," but think Obama is a genius despite the fact he believes we have more than 57 states.
* You'd be more upset about your favorite candidate being endorsed by the NRA than the Communist Party.
* You think the same criminals who use guns in the commission of a crime will just hand them over to comply with the law if guns are made illegal.
* You know that 86% of all income taxes are paid by the top 25% of income earners and you still feel that the rich "aren't paying their fair share of the taxes."
* You put a higher priority on oil pipelines possibly inconveniencing a few caribou than you do on lowering the price of gas for everyone in the country by drilling ANWR.
* You're worried that Osama Bin Laden might not get a fair trial if we capture him, but want George Bush thrown in prison for being too zealous in protecting us from Al-Qaeda.
* You get infuriated when you hear about the CEO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions of dollars, but don't see a problem with an actor, basketball player, or trial lawyer making the same amount.
* You're constantly seeing subtle, coded racism in campaign ads, but see nothing racist about blacks being promoted over more qualified white applicants because of Affirmative Action.
* You think it's obscene that oil companies are allowed to make 8.3 cents per gallon in profit with gas prices this high, but would never suggest cutting the 13 cents per gallon they pay on taxes to reduce the price of gas.
* You think George Bush is a chickenhawk because he wanted to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan despite the fact that he only served in the National Guard, but you don't think the same about Barack Obama, who has never served in the military and probably couldn't find either country on a map without help.
* You think protesting outside of abortion clinics is extremism and should be illegal, but carrying around giant puppet heads while wearing a t-shirt that compares Bush to Hitler is just exercising your First Amendment rights.
* You think the case for global warming is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if capitalism and free markets work better than socialism.
* You believe the best way to fix the government screwing something up in the market is with...drumroll, please...more government intervention.
* You think the first thing we should have done when Russia invaded Georgia was to take the matter to the United Nations, where Russia sits on the UN Security Council.
* You spend your days criticizing the use of private jets, SUVS, and luxurious houses that consume enormous amounts of resources and then ride in an SUV to the airport, get on your private plane, and fly home to your luxurious house.
* You have more nice things to say about countries like Cuba and France than you do about your own country.
* You think the war in Iraq is unwinnable, but victory in the war on poverty is going to happen any day now if we can just get the Democrats back in charge.
* You won't even support English as our national language, but can't seem to understand why people worry about tens of millions of illegal aliens changing our culture.
* You think censorship is absolutely wrong; except when it's applied to conservatives on college campuses or on talk radio via the fairness doctrine.
* You get more upset about an American soldier accidentally killing a civilian than you do about a terrorist deliberately blowing up a school bus full of kids.
* You think Fox News is hopelessly biased to the right, but MSNBC, CNN, NBC, ABC, and CBS call it right down the middle.
* You think the real hero of the Cold War was Mikhail Gorbachev.
* You couldn't care less about what Americans in states like Kansas or Virginia think of you, but you would be greatly upset if a Frenchman gave you a dirty look because you're an American.
* You think kids in public schools should have to watchEarth in the Balance and read Heather Has Two Mommies, but no piece of literature with the word "Jesus" on it should be allowed within a hundred yards of a school.

[SSG Snuggle Bunny]

* You bemoan the fact that US soldiers with revolvers, lever-action rifles and horses defeated millions of native inhabitants in a guerrilla war but you think the high-tech army of the 21st century has no hope of defeating terrorists.

* You think the schools that can't teach reading and math are the best venue to distribute condom and teach about the myriad of implications thereof.

* You wave signs denouncing the fascist police state that unflinchingly murdered 3,000 of its own on 9/11...yet you fail to note the irony that such a ruthless cabal would have silenced you annoying, unemployed, hemp-reeking ass years ago if it were really true.

* You think Bush is an adle-minded drunk advancing through life by the worse case of nepotism known to American political culture and he kills his constituents through incompetence, neglect and personal expediency...but Ted Kennedy gives one helluva speech.

* Political freedom will never be achieved until every right-wing conservative fundamentalist fascist is shoved up against a wall and shot and their books are burned.

* You think convicted killers have a right to life but babies don't.

* You think convicted felons have a right to vote but Christians don't.

* You think homosexuality is normal but marriage is a patriarchal, mysogynist construct of privatized prostitution to advance the capitalist paradigm to deny rightful ownership of property to the proliteriat by means of child-bearing and inheritance.

* You call Rush Limbaugh a bloviating fat slob because he pointed out the errors in the latest Michael Moore schlockumentary.

* You can tell the difference between a Cindy Sheehan speech and an audio recording of a train wreck played at 1/3 speed.

* You think buying designer clothes from a thrift store suddenly makes them NOT made by 3rd world peasent labor.

* You think you're enlightened because your professor told you not to let anyone tell you what to think.

* A teenager who thinks he's gay should be allowed to experiment with his confusion but a teenager says he's gay is never confused.