whenever i get a packet of m&ms, i make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
to this end, i hold m&m duels.
taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, i apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. that is the "loser," and i eat the inferior one immediately. the winner gets to go another round. i have found that, in general, the brown and red m&ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. i have hypothesized that the blue m&ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. occasionally i will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. in this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
when i reach the end of the pack, i am left with one m&m, the strongest of the herd. since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, i pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to m&m mars, a division of mars, inc., along with a 3x5 card reading, "please use this m&m for breeding purposes." this week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of m&ms. i consider this "grant money." i have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. from a field of hundreds, we will discover the true champion.
there can be only one!
