14 Things The FBI Found In Donald Trump's Safe

[Ralph Wiggum]

The FBI raided former President Trump's Mar-a-Lago home and found incriminating evidence that he was once President of the United States of America! While they were there they spent over four hours cracking open a solid gold safe.

Here's what they found:

- Thousands of McDonald's receipts: Immaculate record keeping!
- Three pallets of Norvell Premium Sunless Tanning Solution, Dark 1: Only the best for our President!
- World's best president mug: The mug has been detained for questioning.
- Barron's Xbox controller because he's grounded from Xbox: This is a relief. We thought he was ghosting us on Xbox Live.
- The kickstand for Biden's bike: Sneaky!
- Obama's actual birth certificate: Everyone was wrong. He was born in Zap, ND. Weird.
- A note that reads "You FBI guys are low IQ. Sad! Not good!": This was found in a safe within a safe.
- Free verse, reflective poems: So sensitive!
- Several dozen copies of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: Probably the inspiration for all the booby traps federal agents had to evade.
- The actual nuclear codes and not the fake ones he slipped to Biden: Wait a minute, wouldn't the real president have the nuclear codes?
- Little tiny shampoos which were stolen from the White House bathroom: Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!
- Over a million unsent tweets: Carefully recorded and cataloged on papyrus scrolls.
- A signed agreement between Trump and Pence that he would not "mean tweet" Pence: Appears to be scrawled in crayon on a KFC napkin.
- The Mirror of Erised: When he looks into it he sees world peace.

Could It BEE True?

[Eupher]

The kickstand for Biden's bike.

 

[SVPete]

The kickstand for Biden's bike: Sneaky!

So Trump is to blame for DE's newest national historical site, Biden Falls.

[Ralph Wiggum]

Most of that list were kind of dumb and not funny, but the kickstand one was excellent. Before I read it, was hoping there'd be an Al Capone's real vault or any dig at Geraldo Rivera.

And the Bee came up with a better gem today:

4D Chess: Trump Saves His Cache Of Classified Documents From FBI Confiscation By Labeling Them 'Epstein’s Client List'



PALM BEACH, FL — Federal agents left empty-handed following a raid on Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate. Sources say Trump cleverly hid his cache of classified documents in plain sight by labeling them "Epstein's Client List."

"Hmm. Nothing to see here!" said Special Agent Cornelius Weatherdowel as he took note of the label on the suspicious-looking cache of files. "Almost thought these might be highly incriminating but I guess it's nothing!"

"In fact, I don't see anything. What files?"

Agents shouted that the room was clear and promptly evacuated the building.

"Yeah, it's a real bust," admitted FBI Director Christopher Wray. "We did confiscate some ten boxes that we believe might be an AR-15 — I don't know, we haven't opened them yet — but we couldn't find anything pertaining to the scope of our warrant."

https://babylonbee.com/news/brilliant-trump-saves-his-cache-of-classified-documents-from-fbi-confiscation-by-labeling-them-epsteins-client-list

[Old n Grumpy]

[Eupher]

The only thing better than that would be side-by-side shots of Barry and Hillary, both of whom are destined for the bottom of a toilet.

h5

[Old n Grumpy]