ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment.
This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke
or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not
panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop
log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs
of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't
forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
