That's pretty funny about getting soaked with the bidet. Could be in a sitcom!
I've worked in the paper industry. Indeed we did plant trees, on farms. A constant and fulltime process. Just like soybeans. We didn't decimate beautiful virgin forest, because we liked to precisely engineer the type of fiber we wanted. That way you get consistency and quality, of course.
The thing about recycled paper products...the moonbats can jump up and down about recycling all they want. The stuff is hard to sell. The printed image of a product in an ad looks terrible. The publisher won't buy it. It also takes a tremendous amount of water, chemical, and energy to de-ink and process. The enviros never think of that.