Farts Defined

[CG6468]

FART DICTIONARY
PART 1

PREFACE

For purposes of identification, farts described herein are separated into two classifications:

Group 1 – General, run-of-the-mill, every-day farts.

Group 2 – Truly exceptional, natural, and unpracticed stand-alone farts that could, if such a document existed, be entered into the charts as World Class, Gold Medal Farts.

NOTE: For both groups, sub-classifications, such as Group 1a, are permitted.

DEFINITIONS

THE ALARM FART.

This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. When it occurs you will know immediately why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart, however, is rare. Group 1.

THE AMPLIFIED FART.

This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table, an empty 55-gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong enough. These are common farts under the right conditions. Group 1.

THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART.

Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a Group 1 or a Group 2 fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a Group 2 classification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and has just sat down.

It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size. Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters. Group 2.

THE BURNING BRAKES FART.

A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually an adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes and seems to hang around longer than most farts, which gives the farter a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart. Group 1a.

THE BATHTUB FART.

People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is (are) the bubble(s). The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple-noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound, I should point out, depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more so on the tub style. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs, you can get terrific sound effects, while one of the new thin ones half-buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, or whatever the sound, up come(s) the bubble(s). You must be quick, but glance back over your shoulder and you will see it, the Bathtub Fart, the most positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly Group 1 unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your friends.

THE CAR DOOR FART.

Either a Group 1 or a Group 2 fart. Very tricky. It is intended that it be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, with the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.

THE CELESTIAL FART.

Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare. Group 2.

THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART.

This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Rare. Group 2.

THE CROWD FART.

The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, which is strong enough to make many people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common. Group 1.

THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART.

This is any loud fart in church. My father first called this fart to my attention. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found. Group 1a.

THE S.B.D. (SILENT-BUT-DEADLY) FART.

This quiet and often moist fart can have such an offensive stench that most people, including the farter, will rapidly flee any enclosed area affected by the fart. It often used by prankster farters in cars, whereupon the farter will yell to everyone in the car, “Oh Geez! Hurry, roll up your windows!” The farter will then let the S.B.D. Fart sneak out while his buddies are trying to figure out what caused the so-called panic. After they are revived in fresh air, almost all fart aficionados will applaud this fart even as the affected area is being ventilated. Group 2.

THE RAZOR FART.

A protracted, gassy, and odoriferous fart, emitted by those people who have eaten hot peppers and/or spicy food. This fart generally cannot be controlled as to time or location, and may cause the farter to grimace and/or dance around the room. Very common. Group 1.

THE BEER FART.

Even experienced beer drinkers may be emit by this loud and voluminous fart when they change brands of beer. It is deadly when combined with the RAZOR FART (see above). Although classified as a Group 1 fart, it may at times be a sub-classification of the higher-rated S.B.D. FART (see above.) Very common.

THE WHISPER FART.

If planned well, this fart can be of tremendous benefit to the farter in such places as ticket lines and lines at checkout counters. It is barely audible, yet people in close proximity to the farter know who was responsible and are immediately offended, even if there is little or no odor associated with the fart. One observer documented a ten-space advancement for an experienced and professional supermarket checkout line Whisper Farter. Group 2.

[Eupher]

There are a couple more:

The "do farts have lumps? (DFHL)" Fart.

This one requires a trip to the bathroom and probable change of underwear. Somewhat rare. Group 1A.

The Carbohydrates Fart. This one is similar to the beer/razor fart in that they are loud and voluminous, but they always stink. And there could be a bit of carryover into the DFHL fart. Fairly common, especially among those with a weight problem. Group 1.

[Wineslob]

This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Rare. Group 2.

My daughter pulled this one off last night. Thought I was gonna die laughing.

 

[vesta111]

My daughter pulled this one off last night. Thought I was gonna die laughing.

 

Why are farts so different from a cough, or sneeze. 

The worse farts to my mind is when I am in bed and my Hubby suddenly pulls the sheet over my head and blows a bugle.   

And men wonder why their wives divorce them.

Then there are sex farts that come from the woman, I best not think about that, at my age any kind of sex would cause me to fart out my nose.

[Gina]

I am crying here in bed.  Hubby is getting mad my hysterical laughing

[Gina]

Then there are sex farts that come from the woman, I best not think about that, at my age any kind of sex would cause me to fart out my nose.

Think that is a queef and it comes from the vagina

[thundley4]

Think that is a queef and it comes from the vagina

I thought Queef was on Al Gore's network?

[Big Don]

The worse farts to my mind is when I am in bed and my Hubby suddenly pulls the sheet over my head and blows a bugle.   

That is called a Dutch Oven

[Gina]

I love to turn on the window lock when I am driving and let a silent one out    my son flips his lid begging me to let the window down and my hubby pulls his hat over his face.  He says his sweat is so much better.  I am trying to get scientific proof when someone gets their distaste for other's farts because my little one's don't seem to react yet.  

[Eupher]

I love to turn on the window lock when I am driving and let a silent one out    my son flips his lid begging me to let the window down and my hubby pulls his hat over his face.  He says his sweat is so much better.  I am trying to get scientific proof when someone gets their distaste for other's farts because my little one's don't seem to react yet.  

Gina, did you have a gas attack at 6:30 this morning which compelled you to go to this thread and enlighten us as to the quality of your farts?   

[Gina]

Gina, did you have a gas attack at 6:30 this morning which compelled you to go to this thread and enlighten us as to the quality of your farts?   

Ohhhhhh you know it makes you want me 

I truly think God gave everyone the ability to fart because even if you are having your WORST day of your life, someone can crack a fart and you will giggle .  I am that woman your mom warned you about.   

[Eupher]

Ohhhhhh you know it makes you want me 

I truly think God gave everyone the ability to fart because even if you are having your WORST day of your life, someone can crack a fart and you will giggle .  I am that woman your mom warned you about.   

She never warned me about women like that, because with her colitis, she was not bashful at all about blowing them out her ass -- loudly and with malice aforethought.

I don't recall them stinking, though.....

[Gina]

I don't recall them stinking, though.....

I am nicknamed "Sewerbutt"   

[Eupher]

I am nicknamed "Sewerbutt"   

Why am I not surprised to hear this? 

[Gina]

Why am I not surprised to hear this? 

  Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?  don'tca?   

[Eupher]

  Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?  don'tca?   

Girlfriend? Mrs E is hardly my "girlfriend," though she is hot by my own definition. 

But she doesn't blow 'em out her ass, either. I think she reverts to the SBDs when the urge to let one loose confronts her.

[Gina]

"Happiness is only a fart away....."

[Eupher]

"Happiness is only a fart away....."

Just as long as they don't have lumps. That's my only condition. 

[Gina]

Just as long as they don't have lumps. That's my only condition. 

those are called Sharts