Tell me a funny joke and recieve a Hi5 ...

[A7X_foREVer]

These have been funny

[Kyle Ricky]

These have been funny

Yeah, I like reading them.

[CG6468]

A  WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
 
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
 
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
 
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
 
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his  aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
 
Christo was  encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
 
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I  drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo  made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I  made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I  feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for  me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can  brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both  pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
 
Christo was impatient  with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that  early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
 
My chest hurt when I  got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why  the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit  too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was  waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips  were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an  hour late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
 
He took me to work  out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the toilet. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I  sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that  bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
 
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a Mars Bar.
 
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Kyle Ricky]

LOL. I like that CG. I just started working out again after a few years of not doing it. So I can relate to her pretty well. 

[CG6468]

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail. This 55th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table, the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!" The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her: "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

[CG6468]

Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough.

After awhile, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar"? The woman shakes her head NO! "Kin ya breathe"? The woman begins to turn BLUE, eyes widen and again shakes her head NO!

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right cheek a long lick....

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstrution flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never see nobody do it!"

[Eupher]

Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough.

After awhile, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar"? The woman shakes her head NO! "Kin ya breathe"? The woman begins to turn BLUE, eyes widen and again shakes her head NO!

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right cheek a long lick....

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstrution flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never see nobody do it!"

 

h5

[CG6468]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman enter the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. What luck he thought as she took the seat right beside his!

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in New York.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he exclaimed. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
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"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."

[CG6468]

On a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans...

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Kyle Ricky]

Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough.

After awhile, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar"? The woman shakes her head NO! "Kin ya breathe"? The woman begins to turn BLUE, eyes widen and again shakes her head NO!

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right cheek a long lick....

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstrution flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never see nobody do it!"

  Good one.

[ExGeeEye]

Todd Palin was out fishing with a couple of his daughters; he had remembered to pack them lunches of moose bologna sandwiches and filet of walrus, but forgot to bring anything for himself.

He took his cell phone out and called back to the house and explained the situation.  Sarah dutifully got up and made him a sandwich-- polar bear sirloin, I think-- and one for herself, and









walked out to the boat with them.



You know, that was funnier in my head.  What do you think?

[Eupher]

Well, you're missing a punch line.

Like what Sarah said when she got out to the boat:

"When I stand on this sandwich, I can see Russia from here!"

Something like that, anyway....

[obumazombie]

Well, you're missing a punch line.

Like what Sarah said when she got out to the boat:

"When I stand on this sandwich, I can see Russia from here!"

Something like that, anyway....

But first, I have to stack the sandwich on top of all the magazines I read.

[Eupher]

But first, I have to stack the sandwich on top of all the magazines I read.

Well, that's better than stacking the magazines on top of the sandwich.

[CG6468]

When I was 13, I hoped one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so, I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Kyle Ricky]

When I was 13, I hoped one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so, I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

haha. My first "Real" girlfriend had a nice set on her. We were both 18 and she was a DD redhead. Man was she fun.. ^5

[obumazombie]

I would like to date a girl with huge...tracts of land.

[Kyle Ricky]

I would like to date a girl with huge...tracts of land.

It was great. That is for sure.

[CG6468]

Subject: FW: THE DAUGHTER
THE DAUGHTER
 
My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.

Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."
 
 
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. She actually said...
 
 
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President
Obama's reelection campaign."

[Eupher]

Subject: FW: THE DAUGHTER
THE DAUGHTER
 
My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.

Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."
 
 
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. She actually said...
 
 
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President
Obama's reelection campaign. Before the baby's born, of course."

FIFY

[Kyle Ricky]

Subject: FW: THE DAUGHTER
THE DAUGHTER
 
My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.

Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."
 
 
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. She actually said...
 
 
"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on President
Obama's reelection campaign."

^5. Good one.

[Zeus]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[obumazombie]

A pilot dies and goes to "H" "e" double toothpicks.
Satan is there to meet him and give him the grand tour.
Satan tells the pilot he is able to in effect choose his own eternal damnation fate.
Satan leads our intrepid pilot down a corridor that is populated with many doors.
The first door leads into the cockpit of an airliner filled with passengers queasy because of the weather they are stuck in.
The copilot is at the controls sweating bullets because he is low on fuel, only enough to land immediately, and still in the clouds, just above decision height, where hopefully he will break out of the clouds, see the runway a half mile, and safely land.
But he is stuck in that moment for the rest of eternity.
The next door is materially the same except the airliner is at decision height, and although weather is reported to be at minimums, there is still no visibility in any direction, and that crew will be there trapped in that moment for the rest of eternity.
By now they reach the end of the hall with an arrow pointing to the right that says "pilots"
Of course, our intrepid pilot ignores the sign, turns left, and before Satan can stop him, he opens the next door.
This cockpit is staffed with beautiful stewardesses, the weather is great, the fuel tanks are full, the scenery is beautiful....

I have to go now, but I will finish when I get back. Don't worry, it's worth waiting for, I hope !

[Revolution]

Obama fell in the mud.

[Revolution]

An older guy suspected his wife of fooling around on him due to past suspicious activity. So he decided to go find a sor of "guard. He goes to the pet shop, and searches feverishly for animals that may work. After searching for a while, he comes across an unusual parrot with no legs. He consults the guy behind the counter, and asks him how he's staying on the perch, and if it's a good guard animal.

Well, he hears everything that goes on in the pet shop all the time, but he doesn't have any legs. The only way he stays on that perch is wrapping his dick around it."

The husband think for a while, and decides to take the bird home with him. So he gotes to work the next day like always. When he comes home, he consults his new pet.

"What happened while I was gone, bird?"

"Well, about an hour after you left, a different man came through the door. He and your wife went at it right away. There was kissing, massaging, rubbing, and touching. Then they got undrressed, and went into the living room...."

The bird paused for a minute.

What happened next, bird!?"

"I dunno. I got a hard on, and fell off the perch."