Morning light hit Steve’s sleeping face. He snorted and grimaced, passed wind noisily, and stirred on the cot. The loud click of the electric lock on his cell door intruded into his brain, reminding him that this was the day of his escape from the medical holding unit. The door creaked on its hinges, and Goodboy entered the cell. Steve mumbled incoherently at Goodboy, who deduced that Steve wanted to be rolled to the latrine.
Goodboy left Steve on the toilet and returned to the cell. He took the Mountain Dew bottle filled with medication, and hid it in his own cell with the bottle of urine. He saw Nadin leave the shower room and return the electric shaver to the nurse’s station. Nadin went into the latrine, and a moment later pushed Steve to the nurse’s station, whispering as she rolled him along.
Goodboy grabbed one of the Mountain Dew bottles, and realized that he couldn’t tell which bottle contained his urine. He opened the bottle and sniffed. It didn’t smell like his urine, so he put it back under his mattress. He slipped into Steve’s cell and put the other bottle in the hiding place under Steve’s mattress, then returned to the dayroom.
Steve was still in the shower room with Nadin. Goodboy muttered to himself, “I’m a good boy, I’m a good boyâ€, as he thought about Steve cheating on him with the androgynous dwarf. He grew more agitated, looking around the dayroom for something, anything, he could break to make himself feel better.
The dayroom detention officer noticed Goodboy’s agitation, and notified the nurse. The psychiatrist had left standing orders for strong sedatives, so the nurse called Goodboy over for an extra dose. The nurse offered the young man the pill cup and a bottle of Mountain Dew to wash it down; the nurse knew how much the Neckbeards liked their Mountain Dew.
Goodboy didn’t want to take the pills, but he didn’t want to be forced into taking them either, so he poured the sedative tablets from the paper cup into his mouth, and raised the bottle to his lips. The nurse didn’t notice that he washed the tablets back into the soda bottle, instead of swallowing them. He smiled at the nurse, said “I’m a good boyâ€, and shuffled back into the dayroom.
Steve and Nadin were sitting at the table of the dayroom. Nadin watched Goodboy closely, as Steve looked furtively around the room. Nadin noticed the bottle of Mountain Dew in Goodboy’s hand, and asked him, “Can I have some of your soda?†Goodboy held the bottle close, refusing to share the soda with her. He ducked his head and raced to his cell.
Nadin waddled to Goodboy’s cell, stopping in Steve’s cell along the way to grab the bottle of Mountain Dew hidden there. When she entered Goodboy’s cell, her face was contorted with an approximation of concern. “Goodboyâ€, she said. “I am worried about you, dollink. What’s wrong?â€
“I’m a good boy!†he growled.
“I know you are, I know you are. Look, I brought you a Mountain Dew.†Nadin waved the bottle from Steve’s room. “Can we trade?â€
Goodboy thought for a second, and held out the bottle of soda in his hand. Nadin smiled faintly and traded bottles with him. Goodboy offered a second bottle and said plaintively, “I’m a good boy?†Nadin took the second bottle and left the cell.
Back in the dayroom, Nadin handed a Mountain Dew bottle to Steve. His mouth was dry, so he sipped on the soda, which was warm and flat. He didn’t mind. Nadin drank deeply from the other bottle of Mountain Dew, which was cold and bubbly.
Nadin said, “When Goodboy reacts to the medication, we take off all our clothes and walk to the big door at the end of the hall. The guards will open the door to come in and check on him, and we’ll walk right out past them!â€
Steve scowled and said, “But I’m in a wheelchair. I can’t walk.â€
Nadin replied, “That’s all right, dollink. The other members of the Neckbeard Gang will carry you out on their backs, like beasts of burden.†To Steve, it was brilliant.
As he and Nadin waited, Steve began to feel strange. He was simultaneously sleepy and jumpy, and the room around him started to move far away. He looked at Nadin, whose eyelids were starting to droop.
Nadin forgot that her plan required Goodboy to distract the guards with a drug reaction. She slurred at Steve, “Let’s go, dollink!â€, stood up, and removed her clothes, standing before Steve completely nude. Steve saw, or thought he saw, her body completely covered with grey fur, except for a two inch wide patch from her navel to her pubis.
“Whassat?†he asked, pointing at her crotch.
“It’s my reverse Brazilian, dollink! Don’t you love it? It's the latest thing, south of the border!†Steve realized that she had used a double entendre, but didn't know if it was by accident or design. He thought blurrily about her attempt to shave him earlier, resulting in nothing but the removal of his left eyebrow and a patch of neckbeard. He shrugged and rolled out of the chair, pulling at his clothes.
Nadin was herding the naked members of the Neckbeard Gang into a raft-shaped mass on the floor. Steve lay on them, as Nadin tried like a drunken Border Collie to guide them toward the exit door. Steve thought it was odd that she was stumbling and yipping behind the Neckbeard Gang, but she was succeeding in moving them.
The dayroom officer and nurse looked on, unable to figure out what was happening or how to react to it. The few seconds of astonishment allowed the mass of naked Neckbeards to move toward the door like a millipede carrying a turtle.
Just then, the door opened. Steve felt Nadin’s hand on his, pulling him. He rolled onto one knee, stood unsteadily, and lumbered through the door into a carpeted, paneled room with an American flag on the wall, a table, and chairs. He recognized his attorney standing just inside the doorway, with two deputies. He didn’t know who the other people were, but they were wearing suits.
The naked escapees and the deputies looked at each other. The first person to break the stunned silence was Steve’s attorney, who said, “Mr. Dawes, it is time for your competency hearingâ€.
Steve Dawes blacked out and fell to the floor. Nadin curled up to him, quickly falling asleep. The deputies looked at each other, shrugged, and covered the escapees with a blanket. The judge, the prosecutor, and Steve’s attorney looked on.
