Lady Squawk primitive gets a crossed mind

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=276x8997

Oh my.

Ladyhawk  (1000+ posts)        Sun Apr-05-09 12:02 PM
Original message
 
The first thing that crossed my mind this morning was, "I've lost my faith in humanity."

I HAVE lost my faith in humanity. And it upsets me.

In the year 2000, I underwent ECT. Afterward, I told myself I was starting over. I was going to forget about the betrayals of the past and live my life as best I could, but there was a whole new string of betrayals.

I came out of the closet as an atheist and my mother flipped. The friends I had wouldn't accept me and told me my depression would be cured if I would just return to Jesus. (Sorry, no. I was depressed as a Christian, too.) I lost a boyfriend who was cheating on me and an online friend of many years.

My last two relationship failures were the final straw. Two of my music teachers insisted if I would just follow their paths, I'd be okey-dokey. One was a Christian. I thought he was a good friend, but he cornered me and tried to proselytize me. The other was a Buddhist who thought if I'd just do good Buddhist things I'd be all right. I saw each as a rejection because, basically, they were saying I wasn't OK the way I was.

I didn't even share anything personal with the Buddhist lady. She just thought I was "negative." It freaked me out that I wasn't able to fool her into thinking I was normal. I really thought I always put on my "happy" face when I was around her.

Now I've run into someone on Facebook that I knew way back in high school and college. What do I say? I'm on disability and my life sucks? There are some very positive things going for me, but in my current depressed state, I don't know if I can fool her for long. There's also the small problem that I no longer believe in God. We went to fundy school together. I have no idea what she believes, but it's been my experience that Christians will not accept atheists. And no, I'm not going to hide my beliefs. I got sick of doing that.

Recently, it struck me that all my art and photos focus on animals and nature. There were only a few pictures of people and they were always last on my list of favorites.

I really don't like the human beast much anymore. It upsets me, but I can't change the way I feel. A quick look at GD these days merely confirms what I already feel.

This morning I realized that getting back in touch with someone from my past has a lot of repercussions and that it's nearly certain my old friend would run for the hills if she knew about my atheism and severe depression. I will hide the depression as best I can, but it makes me hate myself and other people for judging, judging, ALWAYS judging.

I really hope we're right that it's not my fault, because if it is, I've wasted my entire life. I've tried hard to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, but no effort was good enough. I wasn't good enough. I ****ed up.

People are social animals, but I'm so afraid of them, I stay in my apartment and get more and more depressed. It doesn't help that I don't have the energy to expend (been suffering from hypersomnia).

People freak me out and I don't know how to fix that.

By the way, in regards to the "music teachers," remember, the Lady Squawk primitive aspires to be an opera singer.  I dunno how the voice part is coming along, but thus far she has the weight part down pat.

First up to bat, the forked lad primitive, the primitive who has the gall, the nerve, the chutzpah, the arrogance, to think he knows more about sports than the cboy4 primitive, which is like a 3-year-old thinking he knows more about things than a 33-year-old:

Forkboy  (1000+ posts)      Sun Apr-05-09 03:22 PM
Response to Original message
 
1. I've pretty much ended all social contact with the exception of two people.

One I've known for 27 years and he knows all about my whole life, so there's nothing to hide. And the other friend is Buddhamama from here, and she's the most understanding person I've ever met. She's really the only thing that gives me any hope for humans, though there's some great people right in this forum here that help in their own unknown ways.

One thing that stands out in your post is your blaming yourself, and I think that's the wrong thing to do (though I can be just as guilty of that myself). I know from my own experience with depression that it distorts reality in a way, and sometimes we read into things that aren't the truth, and we can ascribe things to people based on own fears more than anything else. But you can't blame yourself for your depression and your situation. It's clear you've tried very hard to handle things as best you can, and what else can anyone do?

I think you're right to reject the two "friends" who wanted to impose their concept of happiness onto you. To me that's not being a friend. I also think with your old school friend that you should just be honest about your life. If they have problems with it are they really that good of a friend anyways? I don't think so. If they understand then you've gained an ally. If they don't then you've really lost nothing. I tell people straight up about me being bipolar and manic depressive. If they can't accept it that's their problem, not mine. After you do it for awhile you no longer fear a negative reaction from someone.

People freak me out, too, and I now spend about 99% of my time alone. According to my father, the male side of my family have always been complete loners going back to my great grandfather at least, so I'm just carrying on tradition. I'm a curmudgeon so I really don't mind it for the most part, but I do sympathize with people who want to be social.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Depression can be so debilitating.

Droopy  (1000+ posts)      Sun Apr-05-09 06:54 PM
Response to Original message
 
2. People can be scary. Especially when your brain isn't working right.

You say that you worry that your depression is your fault. That's probably not the case, but what if it was? Would that make it worse? My symptoms first appeared after a bad acid trip. To this day I don't know if it was the drug that did it or just coincidental timing. Either way it does not change the fact that I have this illness. There is no point in dwelling on it. I just need to keep doing the right things to treat it.

I have experience with depression as an aspect of my illness. It was always mixed with psychotic symptoms, but I do understand how crushing clinical depression can be. It leads a lot of people to an early grave.

I limit my contact with toxic people. They never do anything but bring me down. It seems like it's a sport to them and the ones who play head games just do not know what they are fooling with. You simply should not **** with people who have brain problems. I like people who tell it like it is, who are honest, and who don't have some ****ed up agenda to see how many people they can piss off in any given day. I like genuinely nice people. Those are the kind of people I try to surround myself with.

I think you should contact your old friend on Facebook and just ask her straight up about her religious beliefs. Tell her you're an atheist. I'm an agnostic and I can get along with anybody as long as they aren't thumping me over the head with a bible. The problem is that a lot of Christians like to do that. They can't just accept me for who I am and get on with the business of being friends. I think they are afraid they will get black marks on their records upstairs if they aren't constantly recruiting.

There are lots of good people out there and several of them are probably going to reply to this very thread. I'm a good person. Forkboy is a good person. You are a good person.

I think it's very good that you can express yourself through art. Keep painting them critters. Maybe some day soon you'll feel like painting people again.

no name no slogan  (1000+ posts)        Sun Apr-05-09 08:27 PM
Response to Original message
 
3. In some ways, your turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy when it comes to old friends

I, too, have gotten back in touch with a lot of old high school friends via Facebook. I had not even talked to anybody from my high school in fifteen years (my school had 2300 students in three grades, my graduating class had 700). I hated high school. I had very few friends, and was convinced that everybody hated me. In my senior year yearbook, I didn't have a single autograph.

Naturally, I was leery of friending any high school classmates. I missed our 20th reunion two years ago because I was in the hospital due to a bipolar episode. In the end, I ended up friending a bunch of them. I was quite open about my bipolar disorder, and they were all (surprisingly) very accepting and understanding. In fact, I had one of the most popular girls from high school compliment me on my blog (which is about my experiences living with manic depression). In fact, EVERYONE has been very kind, caring and extremely supportive of me. Even when I went though a small problem with lithium toxicity over the past month, they were all encouraging and sent many a kind note saying they were thinking of me.

I know it's the depression talking when you say you think that everybody will judge you, or won't like you because you're an athiest, or won't like you because you're depressed. Most people are more understanding than you think. Sometimes, you just have to take the risk, and give them a chance.

What is it about atheists that they can never spell the damned word correctly?

Ladyhawk  (1000+ posts)        Sun Apr-05-09 09:45 PM
Response to Reply #3
 
4. Yeah, I've thought of that.

However, I also think about the many, many times I've been blindsided by people I thought were trustworthy.

Also, I neglected to mention an extremely nasty incident in college. This particular person was on the periphery, but she WAS there. What happened actually led to my first depressive episode since high school, a depressive episode which has basically lasted 25 years or more.

I have reason to be wary.

Ladyhawk  (1000+ posts)        Sun Apr-05-09 10:00 PM
Response to Reply #3
 
5. Also, don't you think your post is perhaps a tiny bit judgmental?

I'd already thought of the possibility of self-fulfilling prophecy, but as it concerns the person on Facebook, I mostly dismissed the idea because of prior experiences with this person. It's possible she's changed. I know I have. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt for now.

My prior experiences with people have made me gun-shy, but considering some of the things I've gone through, it's perfectly understandable. It's also understandable that I've lost faith in humanity. I'd like to regain some faith in our species, but even when I "start over" as I have so many times--clean slate; no baggage--there have been serious problems before too long. I've tried many different approaches. Currently, I mostly don't care, but care enough to wish I cared.

[Chris_]

but it's been my experience that Christians will not accept atheists.

For the record, most Christians have no problem "accepting" atheists. We just think you are wrong and are going to hell. When we do proselytize to you it is because we don't want you to go to hell.

Now on the other hand, most atheists seem to hate Christians and long to make their lives hell.

On the bright side, even though you are screwed up in the head, even though you are leeching off of society, even though you are associating with psychopaths on DU, and even though you hate God and His children, He's still willing to love you.

[Carl]

It is more then a coincedence that all these folks claim to suffer from mental illness of one form or another.

They spend their entire lives believing that they are being treated unfairly and making it an excuse for their failures.

There is no possible way one could keep a practical or healthy mindset coming from that initial conclusion.

[LC EFA]

For the record, most Christians have no problem "accepting" atheists. We just think you are wrong and are going to hell. When we do proselytize to you it is because we don't want you to go to hell.

Now on the other hand, most atheists seem to hate Christians and long to make their lives hell.

On the bright side, even though you are screwed up in the head, even though you are leeching off of society, even though you are associating with psychopaths on DU, and even though you hate God and His children, He's still willing to love you.

That right there is the main reason why I don't label myself as an atheist despite being totally non religious. I've found that most of the people that claim to be atheists are actually anti-theists or more accurately anti-christian bigots.

[USA4ME]

The freak show continues.

Ladyhawk

People are social animals, but I'm so afraid of them, I stay in my apartment and get more and more depressed.

If there were some way to bottle this, I'd do it and give it away to every liberal on the planet.

.

[Chris]

They still do electroshock?  Holy crap.  This one needs to move to Baltimore and hang out with Underground Panther.

That thread is a whole lot of crazy.

[Chris_]

That right there is the main reason why I don't label myself as an atheist despite being totally non religious. I've found that most of the people that claim to be atheists are actually anti-theists or more accurately anti-christian bigots.

I agree somewhat. I'm a Christian. I've had friends who were atheists. They were real good friends, and they were real atheists. We never had any problems.

Now the fake atheists (like most of the DUmp) are a completely different story. I couldn't get along with them for even the shortest amount of time. My thoughts are that deep inside they really do believe in God but don't want to. They hope if they scream loud enough they'll convince themselves that they don't believe.

[MrsSmith]

They still do electroshock?   Holy crap.  This one needs to move to Baltimore and hang out with Underground Panther.

That thread is a whole lot of crazy.

Yes, they still do electroshock...though rarely.  They still do it because it works.  For those few people who can't be helped in any other way, it almost always does wonders...at least, according to the Dr. that explained it to me and my coworkers.

I think Lady and UP both need it...

[franksolich]

Yes, they still do electroshock...though rarely.  They still do it because it works.  For those few people who can't be helped in any other way, it almost always does wonders...at least, according to the Dr. that explained it to me and my coworkers.

I think Lady and UP both need it...

Don't forget the phalloscraping primitive, too, madam.

And also Playboy Pedro, who is seriously deluded into thinking he's a better person, a smarter person, a higher-quality person, than my fellow alum Skins.

People have gotten lobotomized for delusions milder than that.

[MrsSmith]

Don't forget the phalloscraping primitive, too, madam.

And also Playboy Pedro, who is seriously deluded into thinking he's a better person, a smarter person, a higher-quality person, than my fellow alum Skins.

People have gotten lobotomized for delusions milder than that.

Electroshock is only supposed to help depression...I'm not sure it does much for the ravages of drug abuse, or just overwhelming insanity...   

[thundley4]

Electroshock is only supposed to help depression...I'm not sure it does much for the ravages of drug abuse, or just overwhelming insanity...   

If the current and voltage are high enough and applied long enough, it will fix any DUmmies problem.  I'm thinking along the lines of a lightning strike, but one that lasts at least for 10-15 seconds.   

[Splashdown]

Wow. These people make undergroundpanther look only midly crazy.

[dutch508]

Ok. I stopped reading at, "I came out of the closet as an athiest."


One, why were you hiding the fact your were, I am assuming, a Christian? Were you living in SF and knew you would be attacked by leftist ****s? Maybe you were living in a Muslim country and didn't wwant your head cut off....but they'll do the same for athiests too, you know.

You'd have to be hiding the fact you were having trouble with your faith, becuase them dammed X-ers would burn you at the stake! Hell, they'll make you maryy someone you don't love just to have a bunch of kids- it says to do so in the Bible!

So, you came out of the closet not believing anything.

Then I read a bit further. You've gone through two relationships because, in your words: I saw each as a rejection because, basically, they were saying I wasn't OK the way I was.

Holy shit, lady, YOU are the one telling us you're not ok! Maybe these two...people...were trying to help you find happiness?

my old friend would run for the hills if she knew about my atheism and severe depression You are depressed because you don't have anything to believe in.

[Ree]

It is more then a coincedence that all these folks claim to suffer from mental illness of one form or another.

They spend their entire lives believing that they are being treated unfairly and making it an excuse for their failures.

There is no possible way one could keep a practical or healthy mindset coming from that initial conclusion.

I think the only mental illness they suffer from is liberalism......
I',m bi-polor and I don't act like these assholes.
except i can[t type for shit

[The Village Idiot]

maybe suicide is their answer?