primitive needs advice about husband's son

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1160211

Oh my.

I'm not sure what to make of this, myself.

Maybe somebody else can figure it out.

onlyadream (957 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

Need advice about husband's son

I'm so sickened that I don't know what to do.

Here's the lowdown:

My husband and I have been together since 1990, now married 17 years with two kids (15 and 12). After we were together for 6 months, he broke down and told me that his ex had a baby and claimed he was the dad. They broke up due to her infidelity, so he was convinced that the baby wasn't his. I asked a lot of questions, feeling somewhat betrayed having been kept in the dark for those months. The baby was born about a month after we started dating.

I don't remember what happened after that, but it has been in the back of my mind for many years, however, I really thought (or WANTED to think) that he was right, that he wasn't the father. In 1999, we received papers; the step-dad wanted to adopt. My husband signed and that was the end of it.

Well, the other day the universe spoke and literally put information in front of my face, which (with a little sleuthing) led me to find the now 21 year old boy on the internet. He is the spitting image of my husband, and what's more is that he is in college in the SAME two majors (double major) that my husband was in when I met him. There is NO DOUBT now that this is my husband's child.

I'm sickened. My thoughts about my husband are horrific. How could he? How could he!!!??? With more sleuthing, I find that the mom was ONLY 17. I'm even sicker now. HOW COULD HE!!!??? I told him that he DID have a son and his reaction was visceral. He calmed down and slowly, each day, he's asking questions (but still not wanting to view the pictures I've found - I think it would be too much).

I want to know more - did he EVER give so much as a dime to this boy? - but it's not my place (or is it?) I don't understand why they didn't have a paternity test - or whatever. I can't believe my husband is a huge deadbeat. The boy is in his 3rd year of college, and I honestly would love to send a check to pay for the rest of his schooling, but (again) that's not my place (or is it?). He looks to be a great boy, REALLY great. I feel sorry that my husband missed out on knowing him.

So, what should I do (if anything)? There's also the entire issue of how this relates to my kids.

seabeyond (71,538 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

1. first....

you ought to be getting all the info and answers from your husband that you are asking on this board.

you could contact the mother and if your husband is open to contact can leave it with her. she can talk to son, and son can decide.

she was 17, i doubt your husband was much older. if not, then there is that. if he was quite a bit older, that is different.

so much of this depends on your husbands willingness to open up to him ****in up, how he feels and what he wants to do.

Yooperman (309 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

2. He is not the first nor will he be the last....

to have an unexpected child. Please don't judge him for how he chose to handle things. It sounds as though his son had a good family. It sounds as though his son is doing well. He is in college and will create his life according to his own wishes. Don't lose sleep over things that happened years ago... has your husband been a good father to your children? Has he been a good husband to you? Those are more important issues than a son that he had previous to your relationship.

I would strongly suggest seeing a counselor on this issue as it sounds as though the emotions are running very high with both of you. A good counselor will help walk you through these emotions and help you realize how to move forward and not let this issue tear you apart. Also a counselor will discuss how to broach the subject of contact. For all you know his son may not even be aware that he has a different father than he was raised by. So be careful and respect the parents wishes.

Their is much more to the world we create for ourselves than we can generally see. Take it slow ... time is not an issue here. If it is meant for them to have a relationship it will happen. If not that is ok also.

Arkansas Granny (12,779 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

3. Calm down and really think this through. I know this has been a real shocker, but it may not be as bad as it appears on the surface. If I have read your story correctly, you don't suspect your husband of infidelity to you, but you are obviously upset about not knowing all the details of the situation. You don't give any indication of how old your husband was when this child was conceived by a 17 year old girl. Twenty years ago in many states, 17 years of age was above the age of consent. Relationships which are illegal now were not considered to be more than inappropriate just a few years ago.

I don't mean for this next statement to sound harsh, but I don't know any other way to say it. Whether or not your husband knew he had fathered a child or not, he gave up any paternal rights he might have had in 1999. If the step-dad adopted the boy, he now has a father and may not want to have any contact with someone who has not been in his life. Before you take any action at all, you should consider the effect that it may have on this young man, who may or may not know anything about your husband. As far as the issue of support, if your husband did not believe the child to be his and the mother did not pursue the matter, I'm not sure what you expect that he should have done.

As far as how this will affect your relationship with your husband and your children, please consider counseling. This is obviously causing you great distress. If your husband doesn't want to attend, go by yourself. Sometimes an impartial listener can help you work your way through a problem and find your own answers.

onlyadream (957 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

4. more info

My husband was about 21 when this happened, I met him when he just turned 22 (right on his bday). The baby was born a month later (I had no idea until about 6 months later). My husband certainly knew about the baby but really went into a deep denial for so many years, just so sure that the baby was fathered by someone else. At least that's what I'm told.

From my investigating, I know for sure that the boy (now a 21 yo man, really) knows he was adopted. And, yes, he was raised well, and the dad was a good father (although they'd id divorce a while back).

The thing about going into the same exact majors - could it be a coincidence (due to genetics)? Or did the boy know what my husband was and in some kind of attempt to be "good enough" decided (on a subconscious level) to pursue the same field? I know that no one knows this, but it's running thru my head.

Counseling definitely sounds like it's needed (I was just looking into this earlier today). I did open up a can of worms here, but the truth needs to come out, one way or another. And the way it all came out was kind of amazing, like it was really meant to happen.

Happyhippychick (4,864 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

8. I'm a therapist, here's a freebie

I am curious as to why this has occurred now, were there are other issues you have with your husband and you are motivated to take a closer look?

He was in denial over the pregnancy but you were as well. You didn't insist on a paternity test in order to stay in the relationship, you took him at his word. I'm not saying this in a blaming way, I'm saying that there is some shared responsibility for keeping yourselves in the dark.

It sounds as if you have lost some respect for your husband over the way he handled this. And he handled it poorly, no doubt. However he is twice as old now and may not make the same choices today. Try to look at the man he is, not the boy he was.

If your issues are more about the man he is now, by all means get some guidance from a therapist.

I think your children must know about this from you and your husband because there is a strong possibility that they could find out from the other son one day and that would be shocking. Protect them first, above the fear of how they may view your husband once they know the truth. This would be my first priority in couples counseling, I think it's the most important issue.

Good luck to all of you. This is a difficult hurdle but not insurmountable.

onlyadream (957 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

9. I agree

And appreciate your advice. Since its now more than a week later, I'm calming down and my initial anger has subsided.

Yes, I know that we were both in denial. We both swept it under th rug. When he told me, we were both working our way through college, so it was easy to block it out since we were so busy with our lives, but it was in the back of my mind for sure. All this came out now because I found, quite by accident, the last name of the mom, which I never knew. Then I did some searches and it was all on Facebook... So much info (people need to privatize their accounts).

I know the boy knows his dad adopted him (saw the declaration on the dads Facebook time line).

I wonder why the boy is double majoring in the exact same majors as my husband. Could it be genetics? Or could it be the boy is aspiring to be like this birth father ( assuming the mom told him) or to provide a link between the two?

As for telling our children; should we wait until they're older (right now they're 12 and 15)?

Happyhippychick (4,864 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

10. I'm glad you are feeling better!

I can't tell you when to tell your children. I just hope you tell them before that other boy (possibly) enters the picture because it is as simple as a few keystrokes to figure it out as you well know. The double major thing is interesting, genetics work in very mysterious ways!

I think you and your husband need to be on the same page going forward and this is probably work to be done with a therapist. Take time to figure out what you want to do and see if he can do the same, then the discussions can take place and the plan can be worked out. The most important consideration in all of this is the boy and how this can impact him and your children and how this can impact them. If you start there it will make it easier to agree on a plan.

jeff47 (3,703 posts) Profile Journal Send DU Mail Ignore

11. On Genetics

I wonder why the boy is double majoring in the exact same majors as my husband. Could it be genetics?

Maybe. Depends on what the majors are, why he chose them, and a host of other factors. We're all hybrids of genetics and upbringing.

On the other hand, it could be completely coincidental.

You shouldn't take that as evidence of trying to be like "birth dad", unless there's a lot of other evidence to corroborate that.

I think the onlyanightmare primitive should just mind her own business.

[Chris_]

Liberal family values...

[Delmar]

Liberal family values...

We can all be thankful that at least the kid wasn't raised by DUmmy onlyadream. 

[BEG]

So her husband should be forgiven for his youthful indescression but Romney should be labeled a bigot for the rest of his life for some something he may or may not have done and even if he did he may or may not have known the person was gay.

Romney was 18, her husband was 21 when the kid was born, had 9 years to find out for sure if the kid was his but decided to sign over his parental rights to let some other man take care of his responsibilities instead of doing the right thing. 21 years later and he is still rejecting his own flesh and blood.

I think her first reaction was correct, she should be horrified and ask herself, "Who the **** did I marry?"

[USA4ME]

onlyadream

The thing about going into the same exact majors - could it be a coincidence (due to genetics)? Or did the boy know what my husband was and in some kind of attempt to be "good enough" decided (on a subconscious level) to pursue the same field? I know that no one knows this, but it's running thru my head.

(snip)

I wonder why the boy is double majoring in the exact same majors as my husband. Could it be genetics? Or could it be the boy is aspiring to be like this birth father ( assuming the mom told him) or to provide a link between the two?

There's nothing in your head to "run."  You're a kook.

.

[Chris_]

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

[Traveshamockery]

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Maury!  Maury!  Maury! 

 

[DumbAss Tanker]

Until a fit of neo-Puritanism struck in the 90s, 16 was the age of consent in about half the States, there is not necessarily anything particularly scandalous about the kid's mother being 17.  Shit happens, we don't get bonked on the head with a fairy wand the day we turn 18 and magically change.  It sounds like ol' onlyadream has been hoarding and polishing this grievance for many a year and now feels ready to use it as a sword to humiliate and dominate her poor bastard of a husband for the rest of his days.

Yes, a typical healthy DUmmie relationship.

[Celtic Rose]

I'm not a family law expert by any means, but if her husband's signature was needed for the boy's adoption, then wouldn't he have needed to have been listed on the birth certificate or otherwise listed as the boy's father?

Another thing, while appearance may suggest that he is the boy's father, it is not guaranteed.  My God sister looks enough like me that I am frequently mistaken for her mother when we are together, and her personality is amazingly like mine was at her age.  I found a picture of Philip I of France that looks just like my dad when he was in his early twenties.  While we may be descended from French Royalty, that resemblance would hardly be enough to attempt to claim the throne  

Either way, I would leave it up to the boy to contact them. 

[Kyle Ricky]

She is probably more upset over the mother not aborting than anything.

This does sound like a case for Maury. I will email him the the information and let him take it from there.

[Vagabond]

She knew he had a kid out there that might be his.  Strip away all logic that a conservative (or a man, as I duck) might apply to the situation and see what makes sense.  She feels guilty about something she is currently doing.  She feels the need to justify her actions.  So, She dredges up this incident, that really had jack nothing to do with her, from twenty plus years ago......bada-bing, bada-boom instant justification in her mind.  I don't know for what, exactly.  This is a justification trip all the same.

If I were her husband's friend, I would advise him start moving money into accounts in his name only and get her name off as many property titles as possible.  She's a shitstorm about to hit.

[GOBUCKS]

I'm not a family law expert by any means, but if her husband's signature was needed for the boy's adoption, then wouldn't he have needed to have been listed on the birth certificate or otherwise listed as the boy's father?

Bingo.

And just like that, another lame DUmpmonkey lie is laid to rest.

[seahorse513]

I am not a legal either, but since the "stepdad" adopted him, the husband should be free of any financial obligation, right??

[Chris_]

I am not a legal either, but since the "stepdad" adopted him, the husband should be free of any financial obligation, right??

You'd think that, but you would probably be wrong.

[commonguymd]

She knew he had a kid out there that might be his.  Strip away all logic that a conservative (or a man, as I duck) might apply to the situation and see what makes sense.  She feels guilty about something she is currently doing.  She feels the need to justify her actions.  So, She dredges up this incident, that really had jack nothing to do with her, from twenty plus years ago......bada-bing, bada-boom instant justification in her mind.  I don't know for what, exactly.  This is a justification trip all the same.

If I were her husband's friend, I would advise him start moving money into accounts in his name only and get her name off as many property titles as possible.  She's a shitstorm about to hit.

I like your logic. I think you likely nailed it.  Curious to see what transpires down the road. 

[txradioguy]

You'd think that, but you would probably be wrong.

And you would be correct.

When I adopted my two kids...the sperm donor's signature was not on the BC for my son but was for my daughter...he still had to sign away parental rights for both of my kids.

I think what this DUmmie is really afraid of is that the newly discoverd "child" will want to horn in on the family and possibly want money...she's afraid that this kid will want to spend time with "dad" and in turn take time away from the father spending time with the two kids they ahve together.  It's jealously pure and simple.  If she was always this suspcious...which I can guarentee youshe was...a request that he take a DNA test way back when would have solved all of this.

[vesta111]

WTF is this woman doing or thinking ????

Had this been turned around and she have given up a child for adoption in her youth, would she want her husband to at this time use it over her head, go looking for the child and want her to support the child ???????

On one hand we have the idea that to release a child to an adopted family is a gift of loving.    On the other side we have a woman 17 years after the fact knowing the child was out there could possibly be her husbands and was married to him when he signed off to allow he child be adopted by it seems a very good family, now has a problem with that ???

Possibility's here.   Hubby came into money or soon will.  She wants to find a way to keep this child from claiming any of his estate. 

She fears that her Hubby Will fall into guilt and have a relationship with his son that that is outside her control.

She is high on wanting a paternity test,  Why go looking for the child now when this is NOT her child but a possible step child.

This woman is up to no good, the decisions made by her husband before they were married or even after the marriage  regarding this child are quite frankly none of her business.   Now 17 years later she decides to track down the child is spooky to say the least.

[jukin]

Steve McQueen must be my father because I look exactly like him and I had 67 Fastback Mustang.

[DumbAss Tanker]

You'd think that, but you would probably be wrong.

No, actually adoption does sever all legal ties to the parent giving up the child, including support and inheritance.  Actually this is related to why a biological father's consent generally has to be obtained for adoption (Or all reasonable approaches to tracking him down exhausted) even if his name isn't on the BC.

This isn't about the kid or the family fortune, it's about dominance and power in the relationship.

[vesta111]

No, actually adoption does sever all legal ties to the parent giving up the child, including support and inheritance.  Actually this is related to why a biological father's consent generally has to be obtained for adoption (Or all reasonable approaches to tracking him down exhausted) even if his name isn't on the BC.

This isn't about the kid or the family fortune, it's about dominance and power in the relationship.

What kind of a relationship such as theirs can give dominance to either.  Sounds rather sick and perverted to me.

If a parent signs off for adoption on a child , not knowing if the child is theirs or not, is this not a crime ?

Just because a woman puts a mans name down as the father does without any questions asked make it so.

So the male of said child without question signs that he is the father.   What does he know only the mother may or may not know who the father is.

Interesting case in Florida a man who had paid child support for a child for 15 years finally got a DNA test and found the child was not his.   In all those years he had helped raise the child thinking it was his. Now to the fun part.

Once the man stopped paying support for a child that he found was not his, the Florida courts decided it was in the best interest of the child for the non related man to continue child support until the child was 18.   

Investigates found the father of the child was the mothers  husband who she had been married to for 20 years,  this poor sap, a few nights stand had paid all those years for a child not his own.  The defence brought in medical records that proved the woman was 3 months pregnant when she met this man, So sorry the poor man still had to pay child support.

Goes to show that  when one dips his dick in a honey pot, the Bees will come out to sting you if not sooner then later.

[DumbAss Tanker]

Whatever floats yer boat, vesta.

[BannedFromDU]

     So, the if-it-feels-good-do-it, ****-happy, morals-and-ethics-are-for-fundies, let-the-good-times-roll liberals do exactly what they swear we all ought to have complete freedom to do, and this woman has a problem with it?

     I can see why they regard abortion as a basic human right: without it, they'd have to DEAL with things.

     

[obumazombie]

     So, the if-it-feels-good-do-it, ****-happy, morals-and-ethics-are-for-fundies, let-the-good-times-roll liberals do exactly what they swear we all ought to have complete freedom to do, and this woman has a problem with it?

     I can see why they regard abortion as a basic human right: without it, they'd have to DEAL with things.

     

Yes, as it is now it's a lib punch line that's funny to them, but when hurled at a conservative, they mean it literally, and all too often conservatives are forced to deal with lib/dem/socialists messes.