Author Topic: Miscellaneous  (Read 1045 times)

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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #25 on: March 19, 2021, 11:35:52 AM »
Boss, we really have to talk. I’ve got three other companies after me and I really deserve a raise.

Three other companies? Which three?

Gas , water and electric.
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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #26 on: March 19, 2021, 11:36:59 AM »
Tell me a good roof joke.

Naw, they’re all over your head.
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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #27 on: March 23, 2021, 04:42:35 PM »
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's back end”
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
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Offline Workover

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Softball in heaven
« Reply #28 on: March 24, 2021, 07:29:40 PM »
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
 
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School.
 
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
 
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
 
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
 
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
 
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly, 'Who is it?'
 
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
 
'You're not Rose.  Rose just died.'
 
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
 
'Rose!  Where are you?'
 
'In Heaven,' replied Rose, "I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
 
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
 
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven.  Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.
 
Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.  And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
 
'That's fantastic!,' said Barb,  'It's beyond my wildest dreams!
 
So what's the bad news?'
 
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
 
 Life is uncertain - eat dessert

 
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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #29 on: March 26, 2021, 09:35:30 PM »
Once you understand why

Pizza is round

Packed in a square box and

Eaten in triangles

Then you will understand women.
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Offline Workover

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Good advice
« Reply #30 on: March 26, 2021, 09:42:38 PM »
Good advice

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!       

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.       

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.       

4* Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.       

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.       

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.       

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.       

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.       

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.       

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.       

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.   

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.       

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.       

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.   
   
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.     
 
18* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.      



19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.


      AND MOST IMPORTANTLY     
20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*                

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Offline Workover

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Senior sex
« Reply #31 on: March 26, 2021, 09:45:05 PM »
Sexual Activity of Senior Males
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
 
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations, reveal that:
 
• North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week.

• Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
 
This is very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies.  None of us knew we were Japanese!
 
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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #32 on: March 26, 2021, 09:52:48 PM »
Did you know-

The same people used the same method to name both Canada and the Sahara desert?

They tossed all the letter of the alphabet and then pulled them out one at a time

C eh N eh D eh
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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #33 on: April 03, 2021, 09:23:12 PM »
We should train all Amazon drivers to give vaccines. That way the entire country would be vaccinated by Saturday. Thursday if you have Prime.
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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #34 on: April 03, 2021, 09:24:34 PM »
We all know that mirrors don’t lie.
I’m just glad they don’t laugh.
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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #35 on: April 07, 2021, 07:47:58 PM »

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

So the local folks did some research and found that they could either buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles,

or one from Minsk for 500 rubles.

Knowing how to count, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were upset and decided to ask the rabbi what to do.

They told him what was happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi considered this carefully and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”

The people were amazed, even dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.

"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

"My wife is from Minsk."

 
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Offline Workover

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Moments of Clarity
« Reply #36 on: April 10, 2021, 08:53:02 PM »
As I sat, strapped in my seat waiting during the countdown, one thought kept crossing my mind .....every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.  -John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.  They said 'Let us pray.'  We closed our eyes.  When we opened them we  had the Bible and they had the land.  - Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.  - David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.  - Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.  - Italian proverb

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. - Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. - Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree  - Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. - Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. - Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars, but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. - W. H. Auden

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. - Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. - Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. - George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. - Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. - Robert Benchley

The weather person is the only person that I know, that can be wrong 99.9 % of the time and still have a job the next day. - Johnny Carson
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Offline Workover

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Clever words
« Reply #37 on: April 12, 2021, 04:23:02 PM »
IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN WINNIPEG THAT READ:" We will heel you.  We will save your sole.  We will even dye for you."   

AT AN OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

ON A PLUMBER'S TRUCK: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.     Sit...     Stay."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This truck is full of Political Promises.
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Offline Zathras

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #38 on: April 12, 2021, 08:30:02 PM »
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

:rimshot:
« Last Edit: April 12, 2021, 08:32:12 PM by Zathras »
Solve a man's problem with violence and help him for a day. Teach a man how to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime - Belkar Bitterleaf

If racist dog whistles are meant to be only heard by racists, then it is quite interesting how progressives seem to be the only people who can hear them. - Leonydus Johnson

What makes a good soldier? The ability to fire 3 rounds a minute in any weather. - Major Richard Sharpe

Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #39 on: April 13, 2021, 04:09:50 PM »
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis
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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #40 on: April 13, 2021, 04:11:27 PM »
Husband: Honey, do you need anything at the store?

Wife: Why yes, I do.

Husband: Good. Here’s my list. No need in us both going.
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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #41 on: April 13, 2021, 04:12:26 PM »
What does a runner drink when he’s in last place?

Ketchup
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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #42 on: April 13, 2021, 04:14:09 PM »
Saul: So what does your wife do?

Paul: It’s hard to say.

Saul: Try me.

Paul: She sells seashells by the seashore.
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Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #43 on: April 13, 2021, 04:15:24 PM »
It only takes me five minutes to walk to the pub but a half hour to walk home.

The difference is staggering.
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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #44 on: April 13, 2021, 04:16:44 PM »
I tried growing a beard during the Covid lock down but I couldn’t pull it off.

Try a razor, it’s more effective.
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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #45 on: April 22, 2021, 07:44:57 PM »
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
 
If you can’t think of a word, say, “I forgot the English word for it.”  People will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
 
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
 
My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds.  Only have 14 to go.
 
Ate salad for dinner.  Mostly croutons and tomatoes.  Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese and pepperoni and sausage and anchovies.  FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now? 
 
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.  Is that true?
Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
 
Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked!  So remember; don’t sing! 

If 2020 were a math word-problem:
If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

If a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
 
Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
 
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

Offline Workover

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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #46 on: April 22, 2021, 07:47:01 PM »
As I was getting into bed she said “You’re drunk!”
I said “How do you know?”
She replied “You live next door.”
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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #47 on: April 22, 2021, 07:51:42 PM »
As I was walking home last night I decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. A group of 3 girls approached me and asked if they could walk with me as the cemetery frightened them.
I, of course, agreed and as we walked the girls dwelt on what made them afraid of the place.

I replied ... “Yes, I know. I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

Never have seen girls run that fast.
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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #48 on: April 22, 2021, 07:53:07 PM »
To the good oil’ days when we could make fun of each other and no one got their panties in a bunch.
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Re: Miscellaneous
« Reply #49 on: April 22, 2021, 07:56:20 PM »
A guy walked into a bar and waved a gun over his head. He said “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round mag and one in the chamber. Now I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”

A lone voice from the back replied “You’re going to need more ammo.”
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!