Author Topic: Punny  (Read 352 times)

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Offline Workover

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Punny
« on: February 12, 2021, 02:34:25 PM »
A perfectionist walked into a bar.

Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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Offline Workover

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Re: Punny
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2021, 02:36:02 PM »
Police car loses wheels.

Police are working tirelessly to nab suspect.
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

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Re: Punny
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2021, 04:07:42 PM »
Where did the Terminator get his toilet paper?

Aisle B back.
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Offline Workover

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Re: Punny
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2021, 04:08:31 PM »
Due to the quarantine...

I’ll only be doing inside jokes.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2021, 04:09:32 PM »
Have you noticed?

The and IRS spells “theirs”
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

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Re: Punny
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2021, 04:10:21 PM »
I wanted to be a monk.

But I never got the chants.
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

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Re: Punny
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2021, 04:11:24 PM »
If your guy doesn’t appreciate fresh fruit jokes...

Let that mango.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2021, 04:12:44 PM »
NEW! CBD infused toilet paper.

Now everyone can calm their butt down.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2021, 04:13:52 PM »
To the thief who stole my glasses...

I wii fi d you. I have contacts.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2021, 04:15:41 PM »
I went to a horrible bar called “the fiddle”.

It was a vile inn.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2021, 04:17:54 PM »
My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he’s just Dav.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2021, 04:19:08 PM »
Cold? Go stand in the corner.

It’s 90 degrees.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2021, 04:20:16 PM »
Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident.

He’s in ICU.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2021, 08:41:32 PM »
Nothing tops a plain pizza
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Re: Punny
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2021, 08:42:30 PM »
Lego store reopens after lockdown.

People lined up for blocks!
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Re: Punny
« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2021, 08:43:25 PM »
Be careful when you eat at Sam & Ella’s diner.
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Re: Punny
« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2021, 11:06:37 AM »
Be careful when you eat at Sam & Ella’s diner.

Yeah, but they keep their chicken from cross-contaminating everything else.  :shrug:
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Re: Punny
« Reply #17 on: March 28, 2021, 09:13:52 PM »
When I first started on forums this would have been better than 20 posts just for the count. Now it’s too much trouble.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
 
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

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Re: Punny
« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2021, 09:38:58 AM »
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on ahead.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the highest bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!

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Re: Punny
« Reply #19 on: April 24, 2021, 06:54:05 PM »
The Black Eyed Peas can sing a tune but the Chick Peas can only hummus one.
If you’re not having fun it’s your own damn fault!