Lots of military vets here in the Conservative Cave. A big part of the military life is coming up with funny shit to uncork on your buddies, your Sergeant, your Chief, your bunkie or just aping to break the monotony, blowing a fuse due to stress that ends in hilarity or maybe six months after you were the butt of it, duh! you finally got it and just busted out laughing in the middle of nowhere on guard duty, maybe some shellback shenanigans flogging the 'wogs Whaddya got??? Jokes -good jokes- are an ever present part of serving.
Some of the practical jokes, spontaneous happenings, one liners off the cuff and such are legendary and deserve not to be lost in the empty vapors of time.
I'll start it off with one I heard in the E Club at Kaneohe Bay in the eighties-
___________________________________________________________________________________________
The Brass was out golfing one day, an Admiral, an Army General, an Air Force General and a Marine General were nearing the end of their round and running out of bets. At the 19th hole they got into debating which service was the best, the toughest, etc. but their wives all showed up so they had to cool it.
The next day the same officers were all together again aboard a battleship for a ceremony and got right back into the bickering before the band even started. The Air force General had enough and called out one of his special ops commandos who came right up and stood at attention before the General and saluted.
"Airman" the General said, "You see that aircraft carrier parked next to us"? "Sir, Yes Sir"! "Well I want you to leap from the deck of this ship onto the flightdeck over there, rip a wing off that F-14, crumple it up in your bare hands like a ball of tin foil and bring it back here ASAP". This the Airman did in no time flat, presenting the ball to the General, saluting and returned to the ranks.
The rest of the Brass agreed, that took balls.
Without hesitation the Army General summoned a Green Beret and sent him off as well, just as crisply on a task even more perilous. "Soldier, you see the zoo over there next to the harbor"? "Sir, Yes Sir"! "Bring me back a lion".
Mere minutes later the General had at his feet not one, but TWO hog tied lions at his feet, one brought back under each arm snarling and snapping and the Green Beret returned to the ranks.
The rest of the Brass agreed, that took balls.
Before the Soldier could even complete his about face in his place in the ranks the Admiral called out his best SeAL who instantly appeared before the Admiral from the ranks but no one actually witnessed this, he simply materialized at attention before the Admiral and saluted. "Sailor, the Navy cannot be outdone here, do you understand? "Sir, Yes Sir" replied the SeAL. He climed up from the deck and dove from the bridge and seemed to vanish for almost a minute, the rest of the Brass snickered. Suddenly an eruption of seawater drenched all and left the deck awash as he shot vertically from the sea with an Iranian submarine clenched verily in his muscled arms and wadded it up like a ball of tinfoil with his bare hands and dropped it at the Admiral's feet, saluted and returned to the ranks.
The rest of the Brass agreed, that took balls.
There was a moment of hush and all eyes were on the Marine General. All present had seen a lot so far.
The General looked towards his contingent, just an ad hoc bunch thrown together at the last minute to be at the ceremony from various surrounding commands, a few grunts, a special services Corporal, some pogues from admin, and a few members of the band. He gazed at his platoon. Just then amidst the silence a porter appeared out of a hatch and made his rounds with a tray, a pitcher of ice water and glasses for the Brass. Each were served a glass of ice water and gladly drank it in the heat of the day on deck, the Marine General accepted one as well but set his down on the deck. He glanced at his Marines, none in particular, just the one that happened to be at the end of the ranks in the front row. Eye contact, a simple nod. The Lance Corporal advanced and reported with a crisp salute. The General said to him, "Son, you see that mast up there,"? "Sir, Yes Sir" said the Marine. "Get up there to the top, past the crow's nest, right to the tippy top of that mast and perform a swan dive into this glass of water and then give me fifty push ups right here".
Without a blink of hesitation the Lance Corporal replied "Sir, with all due respect, are you out of your ****ing mind"?
Now that, Gentlemen, TOOK BALLS !
